The humility of bra

The humility of bra shopping

OK, if you are a guy, this next post won't be relevant for you at all. Not that I think I have many male readers, but you never know......

So, having nursed 6 kids, for a total so far of 107 months (I had to add it twice, I couldn't quite believe it!), I've worn just about every bra size that there is. Lately though, I've got boobs the size of Manahattan. None of my current bras fit, and my shirts are too snug. I decided that I would invest the time and money to get properly fitted, since I thought that would make my clothes look better. (Hey, don't burst my bubble, ok? A girl's gotta have something to dream about!)

I went to Victoria's Secret, and was measured. She came up with a 36H. Nothing that big there, so she sent me over to Lane Bryant. I walked in, and was accousted by an enormous black woman. Think Mammy, only plus another half. I explained my dilemma to her, and she said "There ain't no way you wear that size. Them Victoria's Secret girls can't measure anything above a B cup. Take off your top and let me have a look at your girls." Um, ok, right here?

We went into the dressing room, and thank God I have no modesty. She stripped off my shirt,grabbed the girls from below, and pronounced that my first problem was a lack of support. This I already knew. Apparently, the girls should be sitting nice and perky, not down near my navel. She wedged one hand under each boob and slipped the tape measure between her ice cube hand and my hot, sweaty flesh. She repeated the process on the other side, and came up with the same band size - 36. Then she grabbed one boob, and thrust it to the sky, and instructed me to hold it there. With what - willpower? No, my hand. She flipped the other one up, and strapped the tape measure around, and came up with a different cup size - an I. Holy Toledo, they make 'em that big????

When we were finished with our intimacy, I requested to be shown where I could find a bra of this magnitude. Mammy tossed her head back and cackled,"Girl, we don't sell them that big here! You gotta get to a big black woman bra store!" She shuffled off, still chuckling, and I stumbled out of the store in a daze. Where could I get something like this? It has to be a nursing bra, since baby R is still making pit stops at the crawl up Dairy Queen. She can get me out of my bra faster than any homecoming date ever could - but that's another story. I've tried to find them online, and so far come up with several that didn't fit, and one that was uncomfortable.

I went to the only big bra store I could find on short notice, and looked around. What is the deal with the little bow between the breasts? Is it supposed to be cute? "Pardon me, I couldn't help but be attracted to you. You are wearing a German Prison Matron bra, with cups that are bigger than my head, but - that BOW! It attracted me like no other!"

I'm still on the hunt. Tomorrow is a new day - I'm planning to scoop the girls up from their comfy under-the-armpits resting place, and trek out again.