Snoop Dog's Shizzolator

OMG, is this funny.  Thanks to American Mom, I've Shizzolated one of my blog entries.  Go here to do your own.  Wear your Depends.

Before I had kids, I thought I knew everything n' shit. I had worked as a nanny fo' four years, after izzall, know what I'm sayin'? I knew diapers, bottles, 'n strollers, know what I'm sayin'? How much mo' wuz there learn?

I had no idea how much there wuz I didn't know."

Before I had kids I thought I knew a fair amount 'bout numerous 'n varied subjects." Now that I has kids, I never realized that I wuz such an idiot n' shit.

I remember asking my mom questions, 'n her answers wuz usually "I don't know." " I pledged, sometime in my 14th year, that no matter what my child would ax, I would always has a ready answer." Riiiight." Most of da time, I haven't recovered from da first question 'nuff answer da subsequent ones n' shit. 'n there are times when I flat out just don't want answer one.mo'.question, know what I'm sayin'?

Before I had kids, I never knew that one rug could contain so much sand n' shit. We has a sand box in izzle back yard, 'n that shiznit holds 'bout 2 tons of sand." We has replace this sand every year, 'n I'm certain that almost izzall of that shiznit gets vacummed up n' shit. By me."

Before I had kids, I never knew that raisins, corn 'n peas come out pretty much da way they went in."

I didn't know exactly how many soccer games I would watch, in either freezing cold or blistering heat." I didn't know what that shiznit would feel like see my daughter carried off da field, when brizzle wuz hit wit a soccer ball in da stomach n' shit.

I didn't know what that shiznit would feel like see my one week old daughter intubated n' shit. Or see her lose consciousness, right after n' shit. I didn't know how that shiznit would feel when my daughter, at 14 months, wuz hospitalized fo' rotavirus, or when brizzle broke her leg at age 4.

Before I had kids, I wuz smug 'bout food." I love food." Any kind of food, know what I'm sayin'? Those muthas wit kids who don't eat - well, they just didn't know what I did." Give da kid da food 'n make tha dude's ass eat, know what I'm sayin'? Whoo-boy! Was I in fo' that shiznit, know what I'm sayin'? I didn't know there wuz so many ways disguise meat in casseroles, or vegetables in sauces, know what I'm sayin'? I still can't figure out how hide da chicken, though n' shit.

I didn't know that I could survive on 2 hours of sleep." Or that I would argue fo' hours wit my husband over da stupidest stuff, know what I'm sayin'? I didn't know that I would define matronly wit my looks, after having 6 babies in 12 years, know what I'm sayin'? And that I would be comfortable wit my shape."

I didn't know I would buy $48 stride rites, 'n do so without a shiver n' shit. Or $30 ballet shoes." Or a wool diaper cover fo' $30.

I has amazed myself by being strong in confrontations wit teachers 'n principals, know what I'm sayin'? By standing up da doctor who made fun of me fo' being pregnant again, 'n wrote da Hubster a prescription fo' a vasectomy." Vocalizing my displeasure wit da allergist's receptionist who decorated her desk wit potpourri n' shit.

Before I had kids, I never knew that my heart could ride outside my body." I didn't know that da equilibrium of my day could go south so fast, based upon da sleeping patterns of a 12 pound body, know what I'm sayin'? Or that there could be such joy in coloring, know what I'm sayin'?

In short, I didn't know anything, know what I'm sayin'?

Comments

[redsaid]

That is FUNNY!!!!!

I might steal it too! (I'll give you credit of course.)