Spouse

Thanks for the input with regards to family relationships.  I guess the two that I worry about the most are my oldest.  They fight allllll the time.  They are physical fighters - they punch, they hit, kick, pull hair.  They are punished every single time, and yet they keep on. I just really want them to know that family is forever.

On to the next hard question.  Who did you learn to be a spouse from?  Was it from your parents?  Even if you aren't married, either divorced or single, you still observed your parents.  In your relationship with your spouse, do you behave in a manner similar to your same sex parent?  Or completely differently?  Consciously or unconsciously? 

My parents are divorced.  When I was 20, my dad left my mother.  He had talked to me about it many times, and I never really took it seriously.  Here's the thing:  I didn't get it.  My dad was gone a lot, due to his military career.  By necessity, my mother became extraordinarily self sufficient, and raised us to be the same.  My dad, I think, felt very superfluous.  My mother did everything, and she had a hard time giving it up when he came home.  Both of them were at fault. 

When I was first married, I behaved in much the same way.  The Hubster was very adamant, though, that those traits get dropped.  In a big way.  Many, many fights later, and much growing up, and I completely see and respect what he was trying to say. 

Answers, please.

Comments

[kalisah]

My parents divorced when I was 14. My mom sucked at being a wife. And yes, I find myself acting much like her most of the time. I hate it. I hate that that has to be so ingrained in us that we seem to be powerless to prevent it.

Big Daddy is quick to point out when I am acting like my mother. Hell, I had ex-boyfriends point it out. It's that frigging obvious, apparently.

I'm not really sure how to overcome it and therapy never really did much for me. I guess this explains my previous "Family" comment about why I've almost completely disassociated with my mother.

Blogging...better than therapy.

[Annika]

I learned how NOT to be a spouse from watching my parents. I learned HOW to be a spouse from being married.

Gee, that was succinct. I thought I had more to say...

[lucy]

I think it takes tremendous skill of BOTH partners to prevent reenacting the poor interpersonal skills our parents (sometimes) showed us. It's when things get difficult, too, that it is so easy to fall back into those patterns, which make the difficult times more difficult. Of course.

I know that I have struggled with this, myself, and I know that my marriage failed because my ex husband and I, when things became difficult, retreated to our pasts- and those are polar opposites in terms of interpersonal skills.

Tough, tough subject, Carmen.

[Gretchen]

My parents have been married for 28 years, to each other. They appear to be happy despite the mental illness and abusiveness of my mother.

That being said I learned how to not be a spouse by watching my parents. I love them a lot and I respect my dad, but my mom can be a severely evil woman. She can hurt someone without a second thought to what she says.

My husband says I was a lot like her in the beginning of our marriage, but that I have become better. Thank goodness. He used to have to point out when I would act like her, but I have become aware of the signs myself now and usually back off.

My dad is a wonderful man, despite what my mom thinks at times. He is caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and willing to help out in any way he can. I think this is more what I want to be like.

However, in time I have come to realize that I am my own person and therefore I am a spouse based on my own opinions, thoughts and ideals. Rather than those of my parents.

I'm pretty sure the same can be said for my dh and his parents also....but he is mostly like his Dad (thank goodness...his mom drives me nuts).