Nothing pithy or funny here today

I belong to an email group for mothers with large families.  Recently the topic of leaving your family  and going off by yourself came up.  Many, many of the mommys said that they didn't think it was a good idea.  Some of the words used were "not allowed", "selfish" and some other things I can't remember.  Some women felt that leaving their families was unacceptable - that if their husbands ever wanted to get away from the family, they would be really offended.

I'm of conflicted thoughts on this.  I know myself that I need time away.  A-W-A-Y.  Alone.  By myself.  Every day that The Hubster is off, I go somewhere by myself.  I need to.  I have to. I crave time to just be me.  Not to wipe butts, cut food, referee fights, listen to tattles.  I dream every day of what I will do with my free time, on that day.  Sometimes I go to lunch by myself.  Other times I go shopping.  I might go sit in the bookstore and read with a coffee.  I've even sat in a parking lot, when it was cooler, and talked on the phone.  Once a year I go away.  I usually take the smallest baby, since I'm nursing, and go spend time with friends for a long weekend.  Last year I took three kids. 

I was really hurt by the moms who said that it would be insulting to ask for time away from the family.  That they would be offended if their husbands asked to have a break. That no one should need a break.  The implication being that one was less of a parent if you needed to get away from those you love most.  Maybe - probably - it was my own insecurity that led me to feel judged.

I was heartened, though, by the commenters who said that they too needed to get away.  That they needed a break, and that there wasn't anything wrong with that desire. 

In my mind, being home with my family is a blessing.  It's wonderful for me.  The Hubster enjoys his job.  But he leaves his job daily.  He has a 20 minute drive home, and he leaves all of the stress of work behind.  He comes home to his family.  He doesn't spend a lot of time here.  He does what he wants.

I don't get away from my work.  Ever.  I'm on call all the time.  When I walk in the door, I go straight into some form of work.  Any time I walk around, I see work in my face.  Wash to be done, rooms to clean, socks to match (!!!!), dusting and cooking, yadda yadda.  I'm the default parent.  Don't say a word about "just let your husband do it, and he will rise to the occasion".  Not here.  I've tried that.

So, I'm still going to go away. Still going to plan for it and look forward to it.  Not without guilt, though.  I always feel guilty that I spend time looking forward to it.  But I'll still do it.

One thing I don't get, though, is the school of thought that "My husband won't let me go".  Um, why?  Is he afraid that he can't handle it?  Is he afraid that she will have so much fun she won't come back?  Doesn't everyone deserve a good time once in a while, free from responsibility? 

I know when I go away I come back with a renewed spirit.  I have more patience and understanding.  How can that be a bad thing?

Comments

[m`lynn]

Lemme see . . . guilt, feelings of fear and desperation, self-righteousness, denial, self-denial, martyrdom, and the very real inability to get away all could lead someone to state that they don't think mothers should *ever* get away for some private time. You know well that everyone comes to the table dragging a load of emotional baggage-- it's not your job to drag their baggage, so just ignore what they're saying. I know that, in my younger years, I probably said similar things about the proper role of a mother and a lot of nonsense about how I loved my children so much I never wanted to be away from them.

Now, I just cringe and wait for school to get back in session so that someone else can deal with the little darlings for a couple hours and I can do my grocery shopping in peace and have a few minutes of time JUST FOR ME. There's only so much of me to go around, and if I let them, my children would devour every bit of it. Some people feel revitalized and energized when people are making demands of them-- sometimes I feel that way, but sometimes I just need to get away, just to sit in my truck and drink a soda or to sit in a shop and read a book for fifteen minutes. I'm an introvert, I need silence and isolation to revitalize myself. In a house with little kids, there is no such thing as silence!!!

[NinaKaye]

I feel the need for time to myself all the time. And I only have 2 kids. Of course, I rarely ever leave both of them for anything. I wouldn't pass the two of them off on anyone at the same time.

[AmyH]

Only two children here, but I like to get away by myself too. Don't get to do it as often as I like, and often it means getting up extra early to get a morning walk in before everyone's awake. It does not mean you love your kids any less if you need and look forward to alone time. Sounds like the husband getting away/understanding the mom's need for alone time is one of those things families have to negotiate individually. If it works for a mom to never leave her kids, great. Unusual, but great! The rest of us will be at Border's on Saturday afternoon. :)

[Denise]

AMEN sister!!

AMEN!!!!
My husband and I each have a night every week that is our night off. We are free to go and do what we want. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't but it is nice to have that option!
You are sooo right about them being able to leave their jobs, go to lunch anywhere they want have a drive in and out without a bunch of little people whining!!
I have read from one extreme to the other on this today and I think that I have almost got the right balance of the two extremes!

[Jamie]

Have you read A Mother's Rule of Life? She takes a full day off on her own every other Saturday. Nobody could read her book and think she was a slacker or selfish.

One of my very favorite things about summer is that there are no socks to pair.

[judy]

Hmmm. My kids are all grown up. If I didn't get away from them from time to time as they were growing up, I would be totally insane. My personality requires A LOT of alone time to process things. Without it, I'm nasty.

Also, it was good for them to be away from me. Nothing like being all overjoyed to see each other again.

I remember the exact spot I was when my husband and I met friends who didn't have their kids with them. We inquired about them, and they said they were ALL at summer camp! I felt like they gave me hope and a reason to go on living.

The next year, all three went to summer camp THE SAME WEEK.

Ahhh. Yes. Alone time is a GOOD thing!

(but i wouldn't trade those crazy years for anything)

[Mel]

I'm with you! I crave time away from my family--and I encourage my husband to get away, too. He gets away more often than me (I do home daycare, so I "work" full-time), but my day will come and when it does, he'll "owe" me. :)

[Karnak]

My idea of joy would be to spend a week in solitay confimement in prison, Carmen as long as I could read books. Having time off is a way to recharge the batteries and refresh the soul, isn't there a bible verse somewhere along those lines. When we had our autistic daughter living at home, we use to get repsite to enable us to survive another week of caring for her.
I thnk any mother or father caring fulltime for kids needs a break just to cope otherwise you would crack. So who cares what the mummy paragons think, maybe I will see you in soliatary?!

[lucy]

It's not as bad now that they are older, because they go off on their own more, but I remember when my boys (3 in 4 1/2 years) were little, I desperately needed time away. I tried to build it into my life as much as I could (which, with very young children, wasn't often enough!) because if I didn't take care of *me* now and again, I had less to give to them.

Bah humbug to anyone who says differently......it's utter nonsense to say (or imply) that wanting space for yourself makes you less a mother, or less committed to your family.

Fuck 'em.

[dollymama]

Well, you know I know what group you're talking about. I don't know how long you've been on there, but I can assure you that the extremist views presented are typical there. Creating mothers ripe for burnout, if you ask me!

I encourage you to continue to take good care of yourself! Not only are you WORTH IT, but so many people are counting on you to be able to keep on keeping on.

[Karen]

It took having the 4th kid for me to start craving "me" time. And that last kid was the one who could handle it at a younger age than any of the others, so good for me, I guess. I never spent a night apart from any of them until he was 3 years old, and that was only one night. Right now my alone time consists mostly of grocery shopping, but I suppose it will change once we get to know some people here in our new home.

BTW, Michele sent me!

[Lisa C]

I managed to get to Mass this morning and the Old Testament reading was about the Jubilee Year. The priest commented that Pope Benedict is setting a good example for us by taking a month long vacation.
I tried to be on call 24/7, 365 days a year when I had my first child and nearly wound up with a nervous breakdown. It took a long time for me to realize that its okay to need and get some time alone. I'm much better able to deal with things when I have some time alone. My husband thinks its nuts that I usually use my time out to go to the library and read, but I think its natural to crave peace and quiet after all the pandemonium at home.

[Jean]

On the "my husband won't let me go" thing...

BS

I think that's a made-up excuse. The truth is the women who say that are really afraid that they'll go and their husbands will heave a huge sigh of relief. Or call 1-800-HOOKER.

If some women want to stay home and play the martyr game, let 'em. Who cares what they think. That's all about them and their egos. Go away. Have fun. You'll be a better parent for it. It's better to miss your family for a few days than to stick around forever and end up resenting them. It's nice to be missed, too, and it's good for the people who take you for granted to miss you.

And don't buy into that "my husband won't let me" nonsense. This is 2005. Any woman who is stupid enough to stick with a guy who "won't let her" do things deserves to be stuck under a mountain of laundry for the rest of her life. Good God! "Won't let me". Puke.

[Corrine]

Hi. I just found your blog and really like your writing. I was reading your archives and found this post and wanted to send you a message even if it is 3 months late.

I'm the 5th of 6 kids. My parents went dancing one night every weekend. Sometimes my mom "ran away from home." Which means she actually went shopping all alone or to a friends house with no children and didn't feel the need to answer to her children. We didn't have money for her to go on vacation anywhere, but she always made time for herself. I think it's the only way she stayed sane.

We're all adults now, the youngest is 27, and we all love, adore and respect our mother immensely. I think if she hadn't taken time for herself she would have been very hard to live with.

It's hard for me to leave my one child for a weekend so I can only imagine how hard it is to leave 6 with so many different needs, but really--a healthy, happy mother is a good mother. And sometimes, we need to be alone. Good luck! You sound like a wonderful mom.