Personality defects

Questions and heavy thoughts for a Monday......

How well do you really know someone?

I mean, really, if you really like/love someone, how much do you know about that person?  If you knew everything about that person, would you still like him/her?

What about, if you found out that your best friend had a terrible habit, say, she was a shoplifter?  Or a child abuser?  Could you still be friendly with her?  What about the woman you know who is a bit too frank with her judgements?  Or a person who turned every conversation that you had with him into his own private gripe fest?

If you start to cut people out of your life, or your circle of influence, because that person doesn't measure up to your standards, what's to stop that from coming back to bite you on the ass? 

Do you think a person who is overly frank is worse than a person who tells everyone that everything is fine all the time?  How truthful are you?  If someone bugs the snot out of you, repeatedly, and you can't stand to be around them, do you still hang in there, hoping that it'll get better?  Or do you bag and run?  Is it better just to shut your mouth and keep your head down, swallowing your feelings and letting all of it go, or to tell it like it is?

What if you had the ability to know what everyone you ran into thought of you?  How incredibly embarrassing that would be, if you were walking by an acquaintance, someone who smiles and greets you daily, and a sign popped up:  "thinks you are a pompous, full of yourself, jerk".  Soon, there'd be no one in the entire world speaking to anyone, since we all have those kinds of thoughts about every other person. Really, can you honestly say that you've never had an uncharitable thought about ANYONE?  Tell the truth, now........

In a related thought, I was told once that, in every relationship, there is one person who is more liked than the other.  That is to say, either the wife or the husband is more well liked, and people go along with the offensive one to be around the "good" one.  And that preferred person changes, depending upon your circumstances.  People at school might like you better, whereas when you go to your spouse's job, you are persona non grata. Thinking about five couples you know, do you agree or disagree?

Comments

[chris]

I think it is true. There is always one person in a couple that is more likeable or personable.

In my marriage that person is my husband. He is so darn nice, people love him and gravitate toward him. People don't love me like that. I'm pretty shy and reserved in real life and it comes off as being stand offish and bitchy.

[Stephanie C.]

Agree about the couples, although I can think of lots of married friends who I like equally. I think it's true generally, though. And I think I'm the one they don't like as much.

[jody]

Hmm, I would have to say that it is true. I do know some couples who I like both fairly equally, but most tend to have a dominant magnetic personality partner.

My husband and I are similiar to Chris and her husband. Everyone loves Bill. He is just a nice person all around. I am awkward in social situations unless I really know the person or persons.

Great post.

[Annika]

Interesting. I "broke up" with an entire circle of friends in the past year, only to find that my suspicions that they all liked my husband and tolerated me were true.

I think you should only remain friendly with people who are good for you. Yes, ending friendships may bite you in the ass, but you are better off in the long run. If someone doesn't respect you or drags you into their Jerry Springer drama, the friendship isn't worth it.

I know a lot of people who believe that real friends can get through anything. I don't believe this is true.

If I sound extra bitter today, I think it is because I just woke up and am not choosing my wording carefully.

[Hayes]

What have you heard about me? Honestly, I have lots of "superficial" friends. We playgroup (when the heck did THAT become a verb) and go to the park etc. We have fun, but we don't have deep thoughts together, not often anyway.
But there are a few really close folks. Honestly, we are so weird no one could like us all that mcuh. For the homebirthing, no drinking, but my husband is a lwyer ina big firm where there are cocktail parties all summer, homebirthing in an induction happy world, going to church with serious folks but we like to joke about porn. We, that is my DH and I, spend a lot of time together, with each other, and we like it that way!

[Heth]

I think it's true, for the most part. There are some really fun couples that are both just plain awesome.

Now you've got me all suspicious. What do people REALLY think of me? ACK!

[Xenia Kathryn]

I know there are some social situations where my husband is probably more favored... in fact, in general I think he is more well-liked or well-respected than I am. But then I have my own friends who like me for me, and they don't necessarily connect as well with my husband. Some folks are just more extroverted and they can please anyone they meet, while others are less so, and need to warm up to others first.

To answer your other question, if you have a "friend" who is dominating or demeaning, then I've found it beneficial to keep my distance. My passive nature seems to attract these types of people, and I end up getting so overwhelmed and hurt. Eh... just my thoughts. Great post Carmen.

[Sandra]

Gotta to agree w/ you on the liking one person more than another in a coupledom. I can't think of one couple that I like each person equally. And, in our marriage I'm the outgoing talkative one. Scott doesn't like being around people and in large crowds, where as I thrive on that. I try to make sure he has a few people he knows well, and then I don't feel guilty about leaving him to talk to other people.

[Dollymama]

Of the couples we hang out with I think we like both people about the same. I don't think we have any people that we socialize with that we actually don't like one of the people.

As for being honest and all of that, I don't think it's safe to be completely oneself. Or at least I don't think I can really be myself. I think everybody has a "dark side" or just things about them that aren't very likable. Frankly, I think they're best kept under wraps, or at least just spread around your True Self Revelations one by one with friends that live far away or something. :)

[kalisah]

whoa. That's a lot to contemplate.

I may or may not desert a friendship based on something I find out about them. It depends on what the "thing" is. If I find them utterly annoying and being around them makes me miserable, I may not subject myself to that. Friendships should bring you happiness and joy.

If I found out they had a problem to the tune of shoplifting or child abuse (to use your examples), I would try to help them. I'm living proof that you need your friends to support you in those times of need.

I make a distinction between what I call "brutal honesty" and "vigorous honesty." I don't think honesty that hurts others gains you any points.

My husband is of the "brutal honesty" division. He can be a real ass actually, and so I'd say that most people would "like me" better. But it depends on the person really. If someone's a techie, then they probably think my husband is the more interesting of the couple.

And I would never, EVER want to know what everybody secretly thinks about me. Just as I would not want my true feelings posted for them. It would all be too, too embarrassing.

[Mrs. Fun]

i have to disagree. i can think of 5 couples easily and then another 5 and i think that both partners are great. i would hang with either of them without the other around.
now i can think of a few couples that i don't care for either one but they're family, whatcha gonna do?

[Karyn]

I'm so with you on this. We have a number of "couple" friends with whom we are friends on various 'levels'.

ie: we hate her, but love him or vice versa.

Sometimes, we love them but HATE their kids.

As I've grown older, wiser and more mellow, my ability to tolerate "deal breaker" flaws has expanded.

Generally I can put up with most things, but if people are whiney, in my face, lack humour and/or intelligence, or are annoying, then I can't deal with that.

For example: We are fairly close friends with a couple who are from a background that is culturally very different from ours. The way they bring up their children (discipline, expectations, attitudes etc) are almost beyond our comprehension, but we just accept that it's their way, and leave them to it.

That said, they aren't child abusers, arsonists, spouse beaters, bigots, zealots, racists etc. These are pretty much deal breakers.

I suppose, as with everything it's all on a case by case basis.

Great post!

[Nutmeg]

Awesome post.

This is something that cuts right to the heart of relationships. The friends I have all come from similar backgrounds, and we all have similar views on basic family values and since we are all Catholic, you'd think there'd be no "disagreements" about anything.... ha ha.

I've found that it's easiest to be amongst like-minded people who are kindred spirits. There are a few women I 'tolerate' because they are friends with my close friends, but I would never seek them out on my own...

As for being brutally honest? Of course, I have my uncharitable thoughts! But I keep them to myself. I am content with being honest with who I am and not try to be what I think others want me to be. It may seem silly, but in my circle, a mom (to 5 kids!) who wears jeans and tank tops, plays soccer and listens to Barenaked Ladies may be looked down upon. :)

Treating others with kindness can come full circle back to you...
Why make enemies?

[Mimi]

Interesting. I'm going to have to think on that.

[Jessica]

I used to think that what others thought of me was the most important thing in the world and I did everything in my power to be someone likeable.
Then I met some people who liked me for me and I found that incredibly empowering.
If someone doesn't like me, too bad for them. I like me and I have some close friends (including my husband) who like me for me and that's good enough!

On the friend side, my rule of thumb is that I'll hang onto a relationship that is going through hard times as long as the person doesn't make me feel bad, about myself or in general. For example, I had a friend who would constantly make little digs at me and who wore down my self esteem. I stopped returning her calls and seeing her. Years later when a boyfriend called her on this attitude (when I did she popooed me) she realized how many friends she had lost because of this. Today we are friends again.

The couple thing is very true. Unless they were close friends of ours before they got together, then odds are there is one we like better than the other. (Although to be fair, it also sometimes depends on our mood at the time!)
Great post!

[Fiona]

Jessica, I agree with you. I have learned not to expect things from people. If someone becomes a friend, it's a bonus. When I meet people, I no longer harbor the idea that we might become friends.

It's one of the hardest lessons of my life.