Baby sitters

So, there was an anonymous comment left on my last post, in regards to the fact that I use a male babysitter.  The entire comment was:

The reason for my name is this however...are you sure you should be comfortable with a male sitter? Maybe it shouldn't matter to me or anyone at all, but it just struck me weird and I got a strange feeling. Blow me off if you wish, but I had to ask.

Signed, concerned reader

Well, I won't tell you to blow off, unless you are, well, you know who you are.  Yes, you in the back.  The one with the striped shirt.

Thanks for your concern.  HOWEVER.  I am most comfortable with my two male babysitters. 

Found here. It is interesting to note in the study by Kaufman et al., (1995), that 8% of the female perpetrators were teachers and 23% were baby-sitters, compared to male perpetrators who were 0% and 8% respectively. Finkelhor et al., (1988) also report significantly higher rates of sexual abuse of children by females in daycare settings.

Note:  I've tried THREE times to fix that HTML, and it ain't going nowhere.

Found here. -Young female accused tended to be babysitters (40 percent) or siblings (23 percent) compared to young male accused who tended to be friends (32 percent), siblings (21 percent), or babysitters (15 percent).

So.  From reading the studies, which I spent a great deal of time doing today, and now I need a shower, thank you, it appears that just by virtue of being male, the chances of sexual abuse are not any higher.  In fact, the studies that I read today indicate a much higher rate of sexual abuse in daycare facilities than by an at home babysitter.  (Let's agree to NOT open that whole can of worms, shall we?)

The two boys that I use for sitters are not, in fact, boys.  They are twin college students that I have known since we moved into our neighborhood.  They sit for the families in our neighborhood, and have for years.  My children adore them, and in particular it's very nice for Nikolas.  He gets an older guy to toss the football with, to wrestle with, and to just talk to.  Not only that, Nikolas is beginning to babysit some.  Should I tell him that he can't sit for other people's children, just because he's male?  Does that mean that I shouldn't leave my kids with their father, or their grandfather, or uncle?  What about a male teacher? 

I've also had female baby sitters who were REALLY awful, including the one who put my daughter's helmet on her head and pinched her chin THREE times with the buckle, just because my daughter wasn't moving quickly enough.  Oh, and let's not forget the one girl who locked my kids in the back yard until I got home.  For two hours.

With these boys, I know my kids are played with, watched over, and get most of their energy out.

I trust my babysitters implicitly.  To me, to say that a male shouldn't be a babysitter is on the same level as saying that a female shouldn't be a coach for a boys sports team. 

I think that you need to take each situation and weigh it for yourself.  I've done this and been extremely happy with my sitters.  The rest of the neighborhood must be as well, since these boys are booked solid for the entire summer.

Do you ever use a male babysitter?  Why or why not?

Comments

[Katie]

A friend of mine was abused by a female sitter so I do think those statistics are very real.

I haven't had a male babysitter mostly because I haven't found one. We had a neighbor girl mow our grass a few times so I'm all for equal opportunity employment.

[Jen]

I've never used a male sitter but that is only because we don't happen to know any young men that are interested and that we feel are responsible enough.

(To be fair to both genders - it took us awhile to find a teenage female sitter that we felt was responsible enough ! )

My husband used to babysit for two different families all through high school - said it was the easiest job he's ever had!

As our son gets older (only 6 right now) I would prefer he has a male sitter for all the reasons you stated. Hopefully we'll be lucky enough to find one.

[kalisah]

I have no opinion either way on male babysitters. I see no problem with it. You chose a sitter based on trust and responsibility and sex has no more to do with it than race or religion.

But I think the numbers are misleading. There are obviously a lot more female than male sitters, so wouldn't it naturally make sense that a larger percentage of babysitter molesters would be girls?

[Mary]

I was going to say the same as Jen.

I have only had ONE boy ever want to babysit. My son would be wonderful at it but there is a stigma attached I guess because he won't consider doing it for money.

But anyone who thinks that a female isn't capable of sexually abusing a child...well, that is just wrong.

There are nuts in every gender, class and race!

[concerned again]

http://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/jjbul2001_9_4/page2.html

http://www.safety.com/articles/bad-and-abusive-babysitters.html
"61% of male sexual abusers are male, 28% are female, and 11% reported being assaulted by both males and females."

I admit that sexual abuse can come from anywhere, meaning father, grandfather, babysitter, guy/girl next door, etc. My worry however is that male sexual urges are very strong around middle school to college, and it doesnt seem to be wise to place them in opportunities like that. I am not saying at all whatsover that every male is a walking erection just waiting to attack, but you never know. I read Chris the big yellow house latest blog entry and she feels that bathrooms etc are not a place for children to go unattended. I agree with that and it stems from the same kind of worry. Non related males fit the profile. Yes, I am sure some of you will say the most worry is in your own home, and yes, I was molested by my step father so it is somewhat true, however unrelated males are just as driven sometimes.

You just have to be very cautious....And lastly, a college boy is going to a high school prom?

[Denise]

It's funny I was thinking about this last night and I was going to comment that it's great that you have a male babysitter~ me.. I would just like a baby sitter.. any baby sitter I can trust!! (and I only have 4 kids.. go figure) There is a boy down the street who had 4 siblings of whom he is the oldest.. so I have my eye on him!! We shall see!!
And you are right it is a matter of evaluating your situation and deciding what is right for you.

[Carmen]

Oh, my God, concerned. He's got friends in high school, he graduated last year.

And I am very cautious. I'm thinking maybe you and I need to agree to disagree on this one.

I think if I was a high school boy, to be thought of as unable to control myself with regards to a younger child would be offensive. Heck, it is to me, as the mother of a teenage boy.

[Arwen]

I really like this sentence: "To me, to say that a male shouldn't be a babysitter is on the same level as saying that a female shouldn't be a coach for a boys sports team."

Because when I read that person's comment, I definitely sensed some sexism. People make assumptions all the time that have little to do with reality, and I'm so glad you pulled out the statistics to show that this person's assumption was wrong.

I don't have kids yet (except one in utero) but in the future I would definitely consider having a male babysitter if I knew anyone who wanted the job. Incidentally, my little brother, who's seventeen, is a fantastic babysitter. Age-wise, he's sandwiched between my two sisters (nineteen and fifteen) and one time when one of their regular babysitting customers called wanting a sitter for that afternoon, neither of my sisters could do it so he volunteered himself. The mom was apparently hesitant, but he convinced her by telling her he's CPR-trained (which neither of my sisters is). The lady's kids (three of them, not yet school-age, very high-energy) loved my brother so much that he became their regular babysitter, and sat for them several times a week for more than a year until they moved to a different state.

Anyway, I don't want to be too long-winded in your comments section but I just wanted to say I definitely agree with you on this post!

[concerned again]

I'm sorry, really. If you feel comfortable with him and have used him for a long time, then by all means continue. I am the mother of a teen boy also and while I dont think he would sexually abuse anyone, I wouldnt really want to put him in that situation. Maybe I am completely wrong, but for his sake and others, you just dont know. It is sexist, and goes along with the norm of male bad, female good, which is wrong, but you just hear about the bad.

[Beth]

I use male babysitters (and females) AND my prom date was a year older than me so he was in college at my prom.
Beth

[Megan]

I've always used female sitters, but only b/c my girls were going through a "teenage boys are scary" phase....(no, they never have been abused, I was told by a psychologist that this phase is normal, so please don't be concerned for my girls..I already had a freak out back then!)

You just have to do your homework...and ask your kids! When I am trying out a new sitter, they come recommended from friends, and then I ask my kids how they liked them! If the sitter doesn't play with them, or lets them watch too much tv (easy money for them!) then they never get hired again. Period.

(I wish I could hire a male sitter for my boys...they would love it!)

[Mrs. CPA]

My husband is a babysitter.

He and I both keep the nursery on Sundays. When his graduate school grant ran out and he didn't have a degree or a job, he went to work for our church's day care. Some of the boys in the daycare had no day to day contact with a male, and almost all of the mothers told him how great he was to their children.

His Sunday school class is FULL of little girls who think "Mr. Timmi Tim" is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Due to this, he has made a ton of money babysitting for people in the church and from the daycare - the kids ask for him to come over. Hi will be 30 this year, but still has plenty of "kid" in him yet.

We have a 3 month old at home, so we will be entering the land of babysitting soon. I would treat hiring male babysitters as I would any babysitter, male or female.

[MamaKaren]

I've never used a male babysitter, but I am not opposed to doing so. when I was a child, I was sometimes cared for by a male sitter (the older brother of my best friend). Most of my sitters are adult women, simply because I don't have many teenagers in the neighborhood who babysit. I have the same level of comfort having male sitters for my daughter as female ones for my sons.

I think there is an additional suspicions of males in child care situations in general, though. When a former teacher from my daughter's school was accused of misconduct, and it made me uneasy to think of how her current teacher would be under a bit of suspicion, just because he is a man teaching young children. As the wife of a high school teacher, I am all too aware of appearances of impropriety, and how careful teachers/child care workers have to be to avoid any opportunity for accusations (even in the most innocent of situations, a career can be ruined by an accusation). It's a constant balance when you are protecting children, yet keeping qualified and caring people from being part of the profession.

[madge]

Good for you for supporting equal rights! I'm all for boy babysitters (or as we like to call them, Mannies). I don't see any evidence demonstrating that a teen girl is automatically better. It's nice for kids to get explosure to caring, responsible young men AND women. It's also a wonderful example for all your kids.

Obviously you should be completely comfortable with ANY person with whom you leave your children.

[Elaine]

My girls are still young enough that we've not left them with a paid babysitter more than a couple of times. My mom lives in town as well, so they often go there. But I agree, why would a guy being a guy make his suspect? My cousin babysits other kids all the time and he's awesome with them from what I've seen. It's not like you went down to the docks and picked up a guy for the day!

[Michelle]

We do not often use a babysitter, but when we do we use a male babysitter. Usually his girl friend (also a very close friend to the family) will come with. It is great for my children to actually see that they do not have to bend to the "gender roles" that most of society feels that they need to impose on young children.

[rachel]

we don't have any paid babysitters currently. the best out-of-home caretaker my girls have had is my step-dad, though. :)

the only teenager I know well right now is a teenage boy. If he could drive, I'd trust him with my kids in a heartbeat (have a kid who has an epipen, need to have someone who can drive). He also has a younger sister about the same age as my oldest, so he knows the kids well.

Someday we'll have sitters, and I bet a teenage boy would keep up with my kids better than most teenage girls. I'm just waiting for the youngest to be out of diapers.

[Toni]

Carmen: LOVED your response to this. I'd have either 1) ignored any comments by anonymous posters or 2) not responded with reason as you did. And I learned a lot from the research you cited. As a mom to three boys, I do get the stigma attached to males associating themselves with youth-oriented activities (and in fact have proposed the band name "Unmarried Scout Leader" on more than one occasion). But I think we need to not only be vigilant--there is a kernel of reason tucked within "concerned's" concerns--but to also break the stereotypes that men and boys can't/shouldn't be nurturing or caregivers or teachers.

[concerned again]

this is just a question that I am asking simply to get your reasoning... If your oldest is 14, why do you feel the need for a babysitter? Is he not interested in watching your other children? Obviously if he is beginning to babysit others, he must be ready to watch his own siblings, right?

[xenia kathryn]

My husband and I babysat together while we were dating and engaged. The kids we babysat LOVED having him! It was a great experience, as it gave us some valuable pre-parenting experience! Obviously choosing a male or ANY babysitter takes discernment (i.e. "Is 18 year old Tiffany going to talk on the phone while she's supposed to watch my kids?"), but trustworthy young men make great sitters!

[Carmen]

Concerned, why are you so concerned? Why do I need to explain myself to you?

I need a baby sitter because I need a baby sitter. Period. It's my money, my family, and it's none of your business. If you've been reading my blog at all, you'd know that I have two kids with some special needs. A 14 year old boy, no matter how good, grown up and mature, can't care for five other kids including two with special concerns. It's too much for him. When my son does sit, it's for one or two kids.

Now, I'm not interested in continuing this conversation any longer. Since you have chosen to comment anonymously, and not give any credence to your ramblings by leaving a name and or email, I won't discuss my thought processes with you further.

And if you are who I think you are, based on my stat perusal today, you've got some, shall we say, issues that I can't help you with. If you want to come out from your cloak of anonomity, we'll chat.

[Arielle]

I worked in a small, really wonderful day care for three years, and can say the BEST teachers we had (and this was a day care for kids ages 12 months to 4 years) were the guys in their 20s. They were wonderful with the kids, the boys looked up to them and thought they were SO cool, and they were just really fun for the rest of us to have around. I wish more boys did childcare.

[Gigi]

I have 3 teenage sons (and 2 younger children). My sons are great babysitters. They keep the kids moving and moving and moving. The parents like it because the kids are exhausted when they get back:) My 17 year old (who is homeschooled) watches a 2 year old little boy 5 days a week and they get along famously.

In regards to "Mary's" comment. I do agree that hormones are abounding in the teen years. But that doesn't make their braines and morals go right out the window. And have you been around teenage girls? Nuf said!

[concerned]

You don't have any idea who I am, so you can say you do all you want. I am just a reader who is full aware of your special needs children etc. I have chosen to post anonymous with this post because I knew I would be in the minority of this and didnt want to deal with a bunch of emails lambasting me for my opinion. Granted, its my own, but it had credence and you know it does. Too many parents are just careless with their children and dont change their ways until its too late, and is that any good? I am also aware that I have pushed some of your buttons, and I have already apologized for that. If your comfortable, be comfortable. It was simply brought up for picking brains and awareness. Thats all. I dont wish to argue anymore than you do. I like your blog. We have alot of similarities family wise. The only other issue I have ever had with you is your child peeing in the trash can??? But I didnt bring that one up, because..well I really dont know why I didnt mention it. There is no need to get so upset. You and others are fine with your choices, and thats great! As long as everyone reading does their damndest to protect their children, then wonderful!

[Shelly]

I have 4 boys. I use male sitters. They will play with my boys as opposed to the girls I have had come in who destroy my home and leave me a mess. My boys love our male sitters.

One anotherh note of having male:
For Sean, my special needs son, I requested a Male nurse. So I have a male nurse 5 nights a wk in my home so I can get the sleep needed to function half way decent during the day. When Sean is in the hospital the best nurses have been the male ones. pray for us as we might be losing our nurse if the insurance company doesn't get paying!