One song lyric to sum up my current state of being

Coldplay – The Scientist (from A Rush of Blood to the Head). :

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard…

(Swiped from being enough)

I've been thinking this over recently, after I read a comment in another blog that talked about me. The post in question talked about how I (and one other mom with a similar amount of children) made it look so easy, raising so many kids, and she was struggling with her smaller amount.  She questioned her ability, and a comment was left that said something along the lines of "What's up with these women with freakin' bluebirds on their shoulders, and I can't deal with my kid's grinding of his molars?"  Total paraphrase, but I distinctly remember the part about the"freakin' bluebirds on their shoulders", cuz it made me cry.

Cry, people.  (As in, literal tears coming from the eyes on my face. For about five whole minutes.  Which is a long time, if you really sit down and time it out.)  And obsess over it for at least five weeks. 

The thing is, I don't have it together.  My kids fight, whine, cry and complain more than just about any kids I've ever seen.  I certainly don't think that I'm doing any great shakes in that department.  They are, for the most part, well behaved and obedient in public, and that's good.  To me, they are less so.  But, when I see and hear other families whose kids don't fight, it hurts me to see what I'm screwing up.

Last week, I decided not to sign my daughter up for ballet classes - an art at which she is very good.  Not because she couldn't do it, but because I couldn't do it.  I've not gotten anyone late to any soccer practices/piano lessons/school/games/scout meetings, but I know it's only a matter of time. 

This week, one of my kids ran out of asthma medication. A simple remedy, really, just a quick phone call and a trip to the drive through pharmacy.  I forgot to sign one kid's test folder.  I forgot to check and sign homework.  Dinner on Tuesday night was sandwiches.  I frequently yell at my kids, and call them by the wrong name.  I am often exasperated and annoyed, and I've misplaced my very favorite piece of jewelry - next to my wedding ring, of course.  I am totally SICK that I can't find my ring.

Each night I count down to the time after dinner so that I can put my little people to bed.  My laundry is always behind, I've always got some piece of clothing soaking to remove some nefarious stain, and there are ALWAYS at least one set of nails in need of trimming. 

I made a pan of low fat brownies, aptly named Light Fantastic.  I ate six of them the first night. My daughter forgets a book for homework every.single.night, and I am no longer sympathetic.  One night, vocabulary, one night science, one night spelling.  For the first two weeks of soccer, my son wore his father's black work socks over his shin guards, because I couldn't find the brand new black soccer socks I bought in the summer.  One of my girls was wearing a pair with the entire heel cut out. Now I've remedied that by stocking every single thing that we could need in their bags.

The thing is?

I think, for the most part and in some fashion, we are all this way. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but not one of us has it all together.  We're all doing the best that we can.  I'd venture to say that any one of you could fill a post with the same type of stuff.  Why do we all insist on comparing our insides to each other's outsides?

Raising children is H-A-R-D work.  If it's one child, it's your first shot at it, and you don't want to screw anything up.  You try your hardest at that.  It's all new, and overwhelming.  You are just learning to exist on a lack of sleep, and how to deal with a personality that may be completely different than any you've dealt with thus far - namely, your own.  When you have your first, the flashbacks of your life pre kid, and the trials with which you dealt, seem miniscule.

If it's two, then you have to learn to split your time.  It's not always even, it's not always fair.  Sometimes it's really cockeyed in terms of balance.  You are learning to be there for two people at the same time, usually both polar opposites in terms of needs, wants and desires.  When you have two, you can't IMAGINE how one ever felt SO hard.

With the third, you begin to move into a tag team defense.  No longer can you use the one on one method, now the criminals darlings outnumber the rulers parents.  So you divide and conquer, and two seems like a so long ago piece of cake.  More than four babies in your life, you are into zone defense. 

And so on and so on.  I don't think that I've been a "mom with a bluebird on my shoulder" here. I think I've been pretty vocal on this site about the difficulties that I have with my family.  The 20+ loads of laundry, the 6 gallons of milk and two of orange juice, the five loaves of bread and the 2 30 gallon tanks of gas in the van each week.  The arguments, the frustrations, the foibles. The thing is, it's hard for all of us.  Even those of us who say it's not, who say that they never have any problems, never struggle with insecurity - they are flat out, bald faced liars.  I might look like I have it together, but, really, that's smoke and mirrors.  I am pretty organized and spend lots of time trying to get that way.  But, that's because I know what I need to be, in order to be able to carry this heavy of a load.  And I grew into this family. The children came one by one and I was able to stretch slowly to fill the needs.  If I'd been dropped into a family of eight, I'd more than likely be dead right now.  I APPEAR to have it together, but I've been doing this for 15 years and I've learned a thing or twelve about shortcuts.

I have a friend with seven, one with eight, and one expecting her ninth.  They impress me.  I can't imagine how hard they work.  But I've got a friend with one child, and she's not exactly a slacker in the work department.  She impresses me as well.  We ALL work hard. 

So, let's kill the put downs, the comparisons, the bad feelings, shall we?

And if you need me, I'll be hunting for my ring and trying frantically to sew up the holes in the soccer socks. 

Comments

[Mary Poppins (NOT)]

***LOUD WHISTLING*** *****Frantic Clapping**** Here here!!!! Encore, encore!!!! That is the most true thing I have ever read, I do believe. I have seven children, and my life vacilates from "I think you must be a saint" to "wow, you total slacker loser". Maybe, perhaps, somewhere in the middle is the reality, and I AM OKAY WITH THAT. I think.

[owlhaven]

Awesome post, Carmen. How very true.

Mary, also mom to many

[Patricia]

True THAT. Wow, I don't think you could have said it better than that. I find I repeat my mother all the time saying "motherhood isn't for wimps" and it so true. And while, I'm a mom to one (and unless I trade in my husband -- not going to happen -- I'm done); I know how hard you work to make it LOOK easy. I don't think one is easy -- but I also know that 6+ isn't impossible either.
If you are mom, who is at all vested in her family, then you deserve the gold star -- the same gold star goes to the mommy who stays home with 6 kids and the one who works all day and comes home to cook, clean, do all the other things for the 1 to 2 kids. It is the SAME gold star. You don't get bonus points or deductions as long as you raise decent kids to adulthood who become productive parts of society. (Even if they fight a little and embarass the heck out of you along the way).

[Shannon @ Rocks in my Dryer]

Excellent, excellent post!

[owlhaven]

Carmen, I posted something on this issue too and directed people your way. Really an excellent post.

Mary

[bella]

Here, here!

Bella, proud mom of 7 (occasionally on the hunt for gypsies to sell them to, more often so pleased with where they are in spite of my mothering!)

[Jen]

Amen to that sister! We don't know what various hells other moms are living, we only know our own and can't see theirs. But we all have our own personal hells. Thanks for a great post.

[Heth]

Awesome post Carmen.

[Diane J.]

Here by way of Mary at Owlhaven...

Right on, sister!! You go, girl!!

Excellent post, and I agree 100%.

[Maureen]

What an awesome post. Sometimes it frustrates me how we as women who so need each others' support spend so much time comparing and criticizing each other. We never really no what goes on behing closed doors - I wish we weren't all so quick to judge each other.

Thanks for a gtrat post...after a really hard week! Maureen

[Chaotic Mom]

I haven't read the post in question. Was the poster maybe commenting that she feels bad that she can't keep it together while others maybe can? Not dissing you, but dissing herself, not knowing your true reality?

I love your post. It made me feel better about me and my three boys. I've always said I'd consider more children, but just don't know if I could handle more disabilities, too. All kids have "issues", I think I've reached my limit of what I can handle.

But I know with God's grace and only HIS strength could I do more, if He so chose for me to do so. I've been trying to keep that in mind lately.

But I'm still going a bit bonkers. Each and every day... ;)

[Jill]

I only have two, and I frequently threaten to sell them on eBay. My firstborn thought eBay was another word for timeout when he was little.

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

I totally agree with you! I am considered the "together" mom amongst my friends. I always tell them I am not nearly as together as they think I am. I too yell, forget and feel generally overwhelmed (just posted about that today as a matter of fact).

Don't fret about the "bluebird" comment. Sounds like someone is trying to build themself up by putting someone else down. I really don't respect people who do that. Hang in there mama!

[rachel]

Wonderful post. Thank you for admitting you don't have it all together. You're right - I could write an entire post that said "ditto what Carmen said" over and over and over.

Except that I have been late to soccer. I'm blaming the fibro, but honestly, I was worn out and overwhelmed at times before that. And I always call kids by the wrong names. Kharmic payback for teasing my Nana when she did it!

[FishyGirl]

Amen, Carmen! With the fourth on its way, I get the "Better you than me" "You have it so together" such things all the time, and it drives me crazy, because really, I am one really tiny hairline fracture away from total implosion and collapse. And my house is a disaster and it drives DH crazy. I wish we would just remember when we look at someone else that no matter what they are doing, we don't know the whole story, and we all do things well and not so well, and that's okay, cuz we're just doing the best we can.

[ann marie]

wow was that an honest chat about raising kids. you do what you think is the best for your kids,and let me tell you when they become adults, and you see your parenting skills worked because they have good values,that's your greatest reward in life. it's a lifetime commitment having children,but one most of us never regret.My daughter Jennifer is teaching fourth grade,so she's getting to see how nine and ten yr.olds react to different situiations,and often talk about their family life. it comes down to one thing no one's life is picture perfect,and like you said if they say all is well all the time one word LLLLLLLLLLIAR!

[Paige]

Don't we all feel that way? And when we compare ourselves to others, we usually look at their best points and compare them to our worst points.

But really, a Mom's job is to do the best she can with what she has (be that two kids or a dozen) and try to instil love in the family.

[Heather]

Isnt it amazing how blogs can turn into such a popularity contest? All the huffing and puffing that can take place is just, well funny really.

Reading your blog is like a breath of "real" air. I think you blog about the real day to day stuff that takes place in your life. I have never ever thought you had blue birds on your shoulders.

Why is it that we as women are so critical of one another? Especially as mothers. Thats just bad.

Sorry you got so upset that it brought you to tears. I could see feeling that way. Just keep doing what you do, your awesome! :)

[Lela]

Hey Carmen, I came to your blog today specifically to get a little inspiration.You're organized and I was feeling a little tired and overwhelmed, and I thought, I know where I can go. You tell us your successes and your not so successes, and it makes me feel.... all right. Thanks for being real.

[the womom]

I really liked this, carmen. It's important to keep things real.

[the womom]

and you know what?
You do have bluebirds on your shoulder. We *all* do from time to time. Some people's bluebirds chirp louder than others--and some people are thankful for the bluebirds, look forward to them, and sing right along---loud and joyful. And that's okay. That's beautiful, actually.
I have learned an enormous deal from you over the years. Bluebirds are okay. Scarecrows have no brains.

[earthgirl]

My niece, mother of 4, called me last Sunday to see if she could come over to talk. I met her at the car, because I knew she really needed a hug. "How did you know that's what I needed, Auntie?" Because I'm a mother of teenagers also. She was caring for her 16 yo who lost a classmate to suicide and missed taking her 14 yo to a travel baseball team tryout. She sobbed, "I just need someone to tell me I'm a good mother." Don't we all? My prayer is that you have someone to give you a hug, love and encouragement when you need it.

[txmommy]

AMEN!

[judy]

Well said, Carmen.

Even though I'm old (48) and done with so many of the things you write about, what keeps me coming back is your HONESTY.

I've hung on to a particular issue of a homeschooling magazine for YEARS simply because of the cover. A large family - all wearing WHITE. I was SO impressed. I could never get my family out the door in solid black without globs of something or other stuck all over them.

It's hard for all of us. I can't say that it really gets easier either. Just - different. Yes. That's it. It gets different.

[Homeschool Mama]

I was just going to write about my feelings lately, when I ran across Mary's post and the yours. I hope you don't mind that I put a link in my blog entry to your entry.
Thank you for reminding us we are all doing the best we can.