Topic Tuesday: Idiocy

Oh, can I be an idiot.

In fact, there are several circumstances that come to mind.  When I was driving to school for pick up this afternoon, I could hardly write fast enough at the stop lights to get it all down.  Every time that I began to write one down, another would jump into my brain.  For example:

I bought Maury's gourmet cookie dough while I was visiting a friend in NJ.  Really, really yummy, organic cookie dough.  Seriously, the very best EVAH, and I'd totally pay someone to ship it to me.  (I've brought it back in the plane with me from Chicago and NY.)  We went to her house to bake it, and I sliced the gingerbread log really thinly and slid the pan into the oven.  She asked me how long to set the timer, and, with more than a touch of asperity, I informed her that I cook by scent and not by time.  Well, this time I failed the old "cook by scent" challenge and ended up burning the cookies beyond recognition.  In fact, I set off her smoke alarm.  Exactly what scent was I looking for?

When I was 20, and therefore old enough to know MUCH better, I was in a theater show, and the female director was really annoyed with the girls in the show, who were supposed to perform a provocative number - we were the Hat Box dancers in Guys and Dolls, and we were supposed to dance in lingerie.  She insulted us by claiming that we had no idea of how to dance provocatively, and told us not to come back to rehearsal until we could.  I decided to learn a dance from a dancer friend of mine, one who happened to work at a "gentleman's club".  At the next practice, I proceeded to tell the director that I was ready to show her I could do it.  However, I was the ONLY member of the cast who did NOT know that the director was a lesbian.

I've written on this blog many, MANY times about walking off the path and into the mud, or spilling my coffee down my shirt, or talking to people with foam from my coffee on my face, and, oh, about a million other instances.  The only time I went skiing I fell OFF the chair lift and couldn't stop while skiing and went OVER the side of the mountain.  Into a pile of brush. 

While I was waiting for the bank teller to give me my money at the drive thru today, I noticed that she was giving me some strange looks.  I realized that I was singing "Hollaback Girl" along with my radio.  Except that  she couldn't hear the radio - just me.

I've asked people who aren't pregnant when their baby is due.  (As an aside, someone asked me that this past week.  Maybe I've not lost as much weight as I think?) I've said things that I meant innocently, and others have taken in a much more, um, wordly way - never, EVER tell someone that you are having an eating contest with that you can eat them under the table any old day.  Trust me on that one.

Once, I went to a photography place inside KMart, and saw this kid having his portrait done.  He was AWFUL, really a bratty kid.  About a month later, I saw the same kid having his picture taken with Santa, and I leaned over to tell the "elf" taking the pictures that this kid was so annoying and had really caused a ton of havoc at the studio.  Man, can I be a jerk.  You guessed it, the kid turned out to be the son of her best, and very present, friend.

While performing ballet, I've had costumes come unhooked, elastic straps snap, and fallen smack on my face.  I've gone out on stage and waited, and waited, for the music to start.  I've had shoes fall off, before I learned to glue them onto my feet.  I've done the action of all breastfeeding mothers worldwide and answered the door unhooked and forgotten to rebutton the blouse.  I can't really count that one since every single mother who has EVER nursed a child can lay claim to that one.

I'm ALLLL about sharing the humiliation.  I've let you in on my idiocy.  Most of my problems stem from my assertation that I'm always right, and determined to show others how they are wrong.  Gah.

Care to share any of your experiences with me?  Can you top my embarrassment?

Comments

[Elizabeth]

I have a friend who happens to be a lesbian, and I once tried to tell her a joke I had heard Ellen Degeneres tell, except I screwed up the punchline and it came out all wrong. She was just standing there going "um...okay..." and I wanted a hole to open up and swallow me.

When I was going through Sorority Rush in college, one of the sisters asked me what I thought of the guys at the college, and I said "the guys here only want one thing". She said "oh REALLY? What would that be?" I felt like a huge slut.

At my cousin's wedding reception I came out of the bathroom with my dress tucked into the back of my pantyhose. I had walked almost all the way back to my table before someone grabbed my arm and pointed it out.

Do ballet dancers really glue the shoes to their feet? Ouch!

[margalit]

I once wore a long t-shirt type dress for an entire day at my job in a high tech company in Cambridge inside out and backwards. My boss finally clued me in sometime around 4 pm. And I had been to the bathroom countless times and never once noticed that the tag was showing AND the dress had no design on it, which it would normally have had it been on RIGHT.

Because I'm a moron!

[Elizabeth]

I could spend all day answering this, but just yesterday I met an acquaintance, and I said how smart she was looking (Dumb thing to say , I know, as it implied she doesn`t usually look smart) and then it turned out she had just come from a funeral.
I felt about 2 inches tall.
Sigh.
I am so good at putting my foot in my mouth :-(

[Kelli]

My most embarrasing moment was when I was 15 and decided to flirt with the college age guy down the road who was mowing without a shirt on. I walked by all cool and waving in a low key I am cool sorta way, when I tripped fell in the ditch broke my foot, and he had to carry me home to my mom so I could go to ER and have my ankle set. I have done numerous other things too, but that one will always stand out.

[Kelli]

My most embarrasing moment was when I was 15 and decided to flirt with the college age guy down the road who was mowing without a shirt on. I walked by all cool and waving in a low key I am cool sorta way, when I tripped fell in the ditch broke my foot, and he had to carry me home to my mom so I could go to ER and have my ankle set. I have done numerous other things too, but that one will always stand out.

[wookie]

I made a holocaust wisecrack in front of a German professor. How I could have even thought holocaust and wisecrack were possible to combine I don't know.

I've also used racial slurs (which I normally NEVER EVER USE) in front of people who the ethenticity would apply too.

Basically, I have social-panic to no small degree, and the more stressed I am the worse it becomes. I either raise my voice inappropriately, bring up inappropriate topics or even worse, sometimes all three at once. I say things that even drunk assholes would realize are stupid, EXCEPT I DON'T DRINK.

It would be easier if I could just keep silent, like, all the time. But I love talking and when I calm down I can have a really good conversation. It's improved over the decades (I'm 30 now) but on occasion it still sneaks up and grabs me.

I don't know if I'm just an idiot or if I honestly have some kind of personality disorder that should be medicated. Or if maybe I'm just really freaking lonely and a chance to talk to an adult results in several trains of thought that are begging for discussion in my mind to spill forth.

[rachel]

I do idiotic things on such a regular basis, I'm not sure what's the worst one most recently. There's forgetting to get an extra pair of gloves when dying my hair, so they are now fuscia.

And then there was the time I said I didn't like staying at my dad's house in front of an 8yo girl who was just about to do her first sleepover at her newly-separated dad's house.

Never mind the times I've forgotten (truly!) to pay the cable bill, so we had to pay the reconnect fee. the list goes on and on.

I'm glad to see I'm in good company at least!

[crunchy carpets]

I think this is a long enough tale that I will share it at my blog...

http://www.crunchy-carpets.blogspot.com/

[FishyGirl]

I have countless moments like these, but one of the moments that ranks in the top five is I was about 15 years old at the time, and I had gone to the beach with my father and my two best friends. We were in a bathing suit shop and one of my boyfriends had once told me that I'd look good in a string bikini, so I decided to try one on. You know how you have to leave your underwear on under a bathing suit when trying it on? Well, I did that, and of course had my most granny underwear on, and I WENT OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM TO SHOW MY FRIENDS. Of course, we were not alone, and I hear a voice behind me say "Perfect! You should get it!" I whirled around, and there were about 5 guys all around our age. I just about died. My girlfriends still tease me to this day about my Perfect bathing suit (which I wore until I had kids, I might add).

I also tend to be an, um, emphatic talker, and embarass myself completely almost daily because I tend to come on too strong. That combined with just wanting desperately to have some mom friends makes for some, um, stupid moments, that's for sure.

[Christina]

HMMM, let me count the ways.... I seem to always say the wrong thing at the bus stop with the neighbors while waiting for my Kindergartener, we've lived on this same street with these same people for almost 8 years yet I don't know enough about them to hold a normal 2 minute conversation everyday?? I regularly count my kids out loud to make sure I have all 3 of them with me, making people turn around and stare like I can't keep track of my kids by myself. I can never retell a joke once I've heard it, I always mess it up. I also regularly do stupid things around my husband, fortunately he has learned by now that they are best ignored; he loves me anyway :)

[Hayes]

My water broke Saturday morning and I still don't have a baby? HA!

[Allie]

My mother had moments. My dad called them lorriemoments because they were things that only my mother could do. Once she screamed at me for 10 minutes for losing the portable phone...while talking to me over...you guessed it... the portable phone.

Well despite my dread at some day becoming my mother I awoke a few months ago and stepped firmly into my mothers shoes. I freaked out, searching the whole house for my wedding ring, I checked every jewelry box, every dish, every counter... finally in a panic I call my husband. Bless his heart he offered to help me in exchange for some "newlywed rewards" and I agreed after shooting him a dirty look for underestimating the gravity of the moment. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said Lorriemoment.

Yep that wedding ring... it was on my hand. The wrong hand mind you... but attached to my body in plain site.

Sigh. I guess we do all eventually become our mothers.

[theotherbear]

Haha I just got a really good laugh out of this (and trust me, I needed it today). I do things like this all the time. Once I got into a cab, told the driver what suburb to go to, got p'd off with him when he stopped half way and said that was as far as he was going, and he said to me "What do you think this is, a cab?". OMG, I had just absent mindedly gotten into a strangers car and thought it was a taxi. And he drove me half way home! Eeek! I could tell you more but have probably humiliated myself enough now.

[Amah]

Here is yesterdays entry by my sister. She wasn't trying to get in on the idiocy Tuesday but it is hilarious anyhow http://blandscape.blogspot.com/

She is trying so hard. . and things just sometimes don't happen just right. . .

[Karen]

Ok, just two days ago my daughter had to go for her eye testing (she has the beginnings of glaucoma) They had her stare straight ahead at a picture of a pug dog dressed in a superman costume. At the end of whatever they had to do I said "hey, KT, at least they could have put up a picture of a CUTE dog." Uh...yeah, you guessed it....it was the technician's dog!! Couldn't get out of that office fast enough.

But my MOST embarrassing moment was when I was a junior in high school and we went to Hawaii. My siblings and I were shopping around the souvenir shops and there was a mannequin holding up these "flip flops" that glue to the bottom of your feet--yup, no straps or tan lines. So the employee hawking these things says to me "go ahead, squeeze them" (meaning the sandals, of course) but I squeezed the mannequin's butt cheek. My sibs and I laughed and walked into the store. 10 minutes later I see the "mannequin" get down off his box and come into the store for his break.....smiling at me the whole time.

I'd say I felt two inches tall, but I don't even think I felt THAT tall!!!!