Let's be nice to ourselves, shall we?

Tonight was my oldest son's band concert.  It went really well, but he told me that it started at 7.  We arrived at 6:30 to get him there early, and made our way to the theater.  Me and the other five kids.  We waited and waited, and the concert started at 7:30.  So my kids sat for an hour.  By the time it was over - and it was really a good concert - my kids were either a) asleep b) crying or c) trying to do either.  It wasn't fun for any of us, and I wondered why I put all of us through it.

Earlier in the week I fielded a call from a friend, who was in tears.  She is a great person, who is having a really hard time.  She is a perfectionist about lots of stuff, painting her own house and growing her own veggies, making all foods from scratch and homeschooling her preschoolers.  She sews her own clothing and that of her kids and basically holds herself to a really high standard. Much higher than I think is a good idea for anyone. I was able to understand a lot of what she was talking about as I saw it all in my own self. 

She was sad and I was sad for her.  The things I told her made me think of things that I probably need to work on.

1) Am I guilty of wanting to do everything exactly perfect for Christmas?  Will my kids care if we order pizza or make it homemade?  Will they care if the ornaments on the tree are organized according to size and color scheme?  Will they be able to tell if I bought exactly what I should have?

2) Am I trying to impress everyone else?  Do I stay up much too late, making cookies and cakes to impress people who won't remember what they ate in two days?

3) Am I so stressed out that I snap at everyone?  Do I call other drivers "idiot" and cut people off who aren't driving just like I want them to?   

4) Do my meals contain a fruit and veg and protein, or are they focused primarily on fats and carbs?  I know that I will feel so much better if I eat correctly, and it's not hard to do.  Am I drinking my water?  Taking my vitamins?

5) Do I spend time each day playing with and talking to the people who are most important to me, or do I push them away in my desire to get more done?  My girls love playdoh, playing outside and riding bikes.  Also bubble baths.  Do I give them time to do those things?  Do I chat with The Hubster, and call out spelling words to bigger kids?  Do I take time to hear about the challenges of being a teenager?

6) Do I try to stick to a routine each day, helping all of us to know what needs to be done and what comes next, or do I try to cram it all in without knowing what comes next?

Oh, I have much to work on.  Let's all think about these questions - I'm sure that most of us feel like we just need a break, for someone else to take the kids so we can do IT, whatever IT is.  Are you doing too much?  Stop, sit down and put your feet up.  Remember who you and doing and what you are doing it for.  Odds are, it's not some kind of bonus for being Martha Stewart.

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New function:  Every day I'm going to add an addendum with my exercise total.  I need to be accountable, so I'm hoping that you will keep me going.  Join me, if you want.  Wed I ran 4.02 miles - walking a block or two here and there when I was so exhausted, and did 25 pushups.

Comments

[margalit]

I think I've finally let a lot of things go, mostly because I have no other choice. It's difficult for me because I've always been terribly house proud and now my house is...shall we say...lived in. I hate it, but I accept that this is how it's going to be.

But today I was waiting for my daughter while she was in therapy and ran into my son's therapist. She took me aside and told me that my kid was worried about me because I wasn't taking care of myself and he thought I was unhappy. It made me cry. I din't think he even was aware of who I was, but I was wrong. The moral is, our kids see when we aren't being kind to ourselves. They worry, too. I need to be more aware of taking some 'me time', something I always deny myself.

[MsShad]

Love that addendum idea - think I'll do the same. I've also lost 50 pounds, but am at a stalemate, it seems.

[Christina]

How did you know? Last night I asked my oldest if she was worn out from our week already like I was and she said she thought we could use an easy day. So today I have declared lazy day, we are all still in our pj's and watching extra TV with no plans to go anywhere until lunchtime when I'm taking the kids out to buy their own lunches with some of the early Christmas money. My original plan today was to load up everyone and head out for the children's museum and some Christmas displays but I just didn't have that in me. As our family grows I've found it easier to let go but I still have a long way to go. Merry Christmas!

[KatieButler]

I hit this point earlier in the week. I had planned send bake cookies to send as gifts, woke up Monday morning, and said 'Nope!' Online booksellers are your friends. ;)
There are a few other things that I had planned to do that will stay, well, undone.

[Katie]

This is a tough one. It's just that some of the stuff that seems to stress me out (like knitting 5 sweaters) is also something I really enjoy. I need 27 hour days.

[Brandy]

I have slacked off this year, for about the last 3 months. I used to keep everything sparkly and now, it's clean, just not sparkly. I need a break.

[Queen B]

I am a fairly new reader and first I would just like to say that I really enjoy reading your blog. This post I can totally relate to as I am a perfectionist to a fault. I feel myself starting to break down as my family grows and my responsibilities expand at an incredible rate. It's nice to hear that other moms feel the same way. Here's to a little R&R for everyone!

[Cookie]

I definitely needed the #5 reminder. Things have been crazy getting ready for visitors here... and it's hard to incorporate my 7 month pregnant limitations and my 2.5 yr old toddler kindly into that. I'm looking forward to some serious downtime and someone ELSE doing the dishes!!

[Heather]

Oh boy, I can use this advice. I need to be kinder to myself. I notice that I'm quick to remind my kids that they need to give themselves a break when they can't quite get things perfectly the way they want them. Then, I turn around and find myself frustrated when I am not living up to my own realistic expectations. Wonder where they get that from? Yes, this was much needed reminder for today. I'm afraid you are going to have to start charging me for this therapy :)

[ben]

Remember the 80/20 rule.

You'll get 80% of something done in 20% of the time. The rest of the time you are perfecting it.

So if you can let go of a _little_ perfection, you can get a lot more accomplished.

That's the theory, anyway, I can't seem to listen to my own advice :)

[rachel]

what a wonderful lesson. thank you. it's something I need to work on. That and accepting help - I'm much better at giving it!

[Renee]

I needed number 6, and I need to f i x it soon, or this house is going to sink into chaos. But first I am going to have some tea!

[Still Standing]

I am so frustrated with myself right now.I have company coming in 6 hours and I still have so very much to do, on top of all the everyday stuff. My problem is that I can't seem to get started today. I've made
breakfast, changed diapers, feed the baby, and now I'm on this computer . . .I'm not a procrastinator, really. I don't know what my problem is. But I was thinking in the same regards as your post last night. I wanted to cook a favorite meal of one of my quest ahead of time, and decided to make a double batch. I was in the kitchen cooking for 5 hours, and cleaning for 1. At first I was thinking this was "do-able", by the 3rd hour I was betting that the pre-made frozen variety was better anyway. What am I doing to myself?!

[Mia]

Well, I have to say that 3,4, and 5 hit me where it hurts - but I don't know if it's me that is trying to do too much, or I am just surrounded by imbeciles. Is that a sure sign?