Trying to be all things for all kids never works

Many, many thanks for the kind compliments regarding my weight loss.  I appreciate your words more than you will ever know.  Especially after today.  (Warning, much griping ahead.  Long, detailed, convuluted story here.  Trouble "finding the pony" in this one.)

Saturdays are always hard.  We've got three soccer games, usually at opposite ends of the sports complex.  The entire day is a balancing act.  Last night Allegra spent the night at a friend's house, so we were minus her and plus Nik, who doesn't always go with us.  He had a meeting at church to go over the Holy Week schedule.  So today looked like this.  Mackenzie - game, 9.  Allegra - game, 9 on the other side of the complex.  Nikolas, meeting ten minutes away, 9:30. A meeting he really didn't want to attend. Gabe - game, 10 - field close to Allegra's. 

So the game plan was to take Mackenzie, who had to be there at 8:30, drop her off, stay for a few minutes and talk to the coach.  Leave, take Nikolas to his meeting, come back to watch 10 minutes of Mackenzie's game, switch to Allegra's across the complex running with two little girls in a wagon game, watch ten minutes, drop Gabe with his coach, go back to Mackenzie and hope to see her play, and then repeat the entire mess.  Get the girls from their games, watch Gabe's game, and then pick up Nik.  Mackenzie was fine with this.  She knew that I couldn't watch most of her game, but she didn't mind.  In fact, at the beginning of the season, I had a conversation with all of the soccer kids and told them that if they really wanted to play, they'd have to realize that I wasn't going to be able to see all of each game.  They agreed that they could take it, and the fun of playing outweighed the chance that I'd miss a game or two.  We all talked and decided that it'd be a tough season, but they were all super duper excited and keyed up to play.  I told them that if they weren't comfortable with me missing a game or two, they should let me know and we'd drop immediately. 

All of my soccer players are asthmatic.  They have to pretreat with albuterol twenty minutes before they play.  Gabe did his, so did Mackenzie.  Never a problem with them.  Allegra NEVER wants to do it, and she's got an added inhaled medication. Intal.   She hates taking it and tries to skip whenever she can.  I dropped off Mackenzie, who ran all the way out to her team.  Very little rattles this kid - she's almost always happy.  Before I took Nik, I stopped over where Allegra's team was warming up.  When asked, she said she'd not used any of her medicine.  I reminded her, she rolled her eyes and walked off to be with her friends.  I stood with the other parents and watched her.  She used the albuterol, dropped the inhaler and ran off to warm up.  Huh. I watched her warm up for a minute, noticing that she kept to the far end of the field away from me.  Finally, warm ups were over and I ran around the field to catch up with her.  "You need to take your medicine."  "Oh, I did that," she said.  "Um, no you didn't, I was watching and you've got to take it," I insisted.  She argued with me, and I tried to remain calm.  "Allegra, if you don't take your medicine, you aren't playing today."  "MOM!  You can't do that!" she cried.

Yes, yes I can.  I turned around and said to the coach, "She's not playing."  She grabbed her inhaler, shot me a completely black look and shoved the spacer in her mouth.  She puffed and puffed and when she was finished, she threw it onto her bag as if she could shove it through the earth.  I smiled at her and said, "I'll be back in a little while."  "Don't hurry on my account," she muttered.

Oh, ouch.  I said to her, with my smile still firm, "Play well!"  She grumbled, "Not like you care.  And, by the way, your lips look weird with your new lip balm.  You look dumb."  I gathered the shredded remnants of my pride and left the field.  Returning to the car, I looked in the mirror and groaned.  My new lip balm, the one I'd bought at the vitamin shop, the new Burt's Bees lifeguard balm, is apparently white, mostly zinc oxide, and I looked as if I'd bathed in diaper cream.  All while I was arguing with my daughter over her meds.  I drove Nikolas to his meeting.  He grumped and grumbled and I did all I could to avoid kicking him out the door. I came back to Mackenzie's field, watched her for ten minutes, and then ran to Allegra's field.  I dropped Gabe off with his coach in the meantime.  I watched her play and Mackenzie's coach called me.  Her game was over and she'd scored a goal.  Her first one all season, on a team that has lost every game.  And I wasn't there to see it.  (Here is the email from her coach - Mackenzie, what the heck did you eat for breakfast. I want you to eat that every week. I congratulate you on your ability to penetrate their defense. That is proof that size doesn't matter. It is how fast you are, how precisely you move the ball, and great assistance from your team. I hope you have a good taste in your mouth, I want to see you do it again and again.  How incredible is that?)  Another mother agreed to bring Mackenzie to me, and I switched over to Gabe's game. In time to hear that HE'D scored a goal, and I missed it. And then I noticed that, somehow, Riley had cut her hand on some glass and she was bleeding everywhere.  I had no bandaids, no wipes, no tissues.  She was crying and crying, and I couldn't concentrate on the game at all.  Allegra was going on about the fact that I hadn't seen ANY of her game.  I felt the tears come to the surface - I was trying, honest to God I was, but I didn't seem to be doing a good job.

The game was finally finished, I took my grumpy, fighting kids to the van, and left to go back to the church to get Nik.  Where I discovered that confessions were going on, and we all needed to go before Easter.  Good timing, right?

Except that we waited and waited, and 40 minutes later, we still hadn't gotten in.  And we had to be at a hike for Boy Scouts in 45 minutes.  Fifteen miles away, and no one had lunch and we all had to change.  Plus, I had to drop off the little girls at my mother's house.

We drove like lunatics while I apologized to Gabe every chance I got that we'd probably be late.  He said he was fine with that. In fact, he told me just to "Relax, Mommy."  We arrived late - without getting lunch for myself or Nikolas, but everyone else was fed hot dogs from 7-11- and hiked a bit less than two miles.  THAT was a fun part, but I felt like crying the whole first part of the hike.   My throat was thick with tears and I wanted nothing but to jump in a shower and cry my eyes out for a while.  I'd tried so hard to do everything today, and did get it all in, but felt like I'd missed the important parts. 

I swear, I tried and I tried, and I tried.  I felt like crap.  My kids made goals and I missed them.  We didn't make confession.  We were late for the hike.   I didn't get lunch.  I didn't feed my son, and my other kids ate hot dogs for lunch.  The thing is, none of it seemed to phase them - except Allegra, today, which was unusual for her.  I felt like I was running and running and not getting anywhere.  I'm usually right on top of my game, never have troubles like this.  I'm hoping that today was just a fluke and the fact that we have the next two weeks off will allow me to decompress.  There isn't another day that we have games at the same time, so that should help. 

OH!  I forgot something. The Hubster transported a lawn mower in my van yesterday and the gas leaked.  I spent two incredibly cranky hours today taking every single thing out of my van - and if you know me, you'd know that's HUGE - and scrubbing it to get all the gas smell out.  I have a vinyl floor, but the dvd player is in a cubby which has a fabric bottom, and that cubby soaked the gas up like a sponge.  Two hours of Mr. Clean and me. 

I was able to have a great conversation on the hike with one of my best girlfriends, Sue, and she was reassurring and calming to me.  Thanks so much, Sue.  Girlfriends like you and Elizabeth, who I had a great phone call with, are the only way I make it through days like today.  And my readers from this blog, who said so many nice things about me today.

And the Kahlua in my coffee.

Comments

[Heather]

Carmen, take a breath! You are the most together woman I have heard of and the fact that you have an off day makes me feel better about myself :) So, there. There was some good out of this hellacious day! Kidding aside, hope the kahlua worked wonders :)

[Brandy]

You are a great Mom. I don't have a day that I don't feel as if I'm failing my children in some way. We all have doubts and days where we feel as if we can't do anything right.
Sending you BIG hugs and some peace.

[CharmingDriver]

Mmmmmm instead of listing what you didn't do how about thinking that everyone made it to their games, meds and all, you did your best to make confession, everyone hiked, you spent time with friends and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that none of your kids are in danger from one meal being delayed (or will complain about hot dogs)so...lighten up on yourself, babe. You work hard, do your best and that is all anyone can expect.

Allegra will have a better day tomorrow and in a few days the surfer zinc balm will be funny when you look back on it, hee. Honest.

Hugs to you svelte-momma!

[Tammy]

Don't beat yourself up so. You did everything you could to be in a jillion places at once. Just getting them all where they were supposed to be was a huge thing! I have only one and it's a challenge much of the time. I can't imagine how you do it with 6! Allegra's just going to have mood swings up and down for the next several years. Enjoy the up days and realize the down ones won't last long and whatever has her down will be irrelevant tomorrow. Your kids will all appreciate all you've done for them in time. Until they do, cherish the good days!!! There will be many more of those!

[Kristi]

Wow, that type of day would stress and upset the best of mothers so don't take it personally. I don't know how old Allegra is but I have 17 and 13 year old daughters (and a 19 yr old son) and her reaction seems perfectly normal for girls. I WILL tell you though that my daughter Ryan (the 17 yr old) told me that when she would be a smart mouth to me she'd instantly regret it whether she showed it or not.

My suggestion is find a little time to spend with just Allegra. Even if it's just running up to get an ice cream cone... just the two of you. You'll probably find a lot of comfort in that, or at least I did.

Maybe you even take that one on one time with ALL of your kids (6??? LOL) and each weekend have that alone time with just one of them. That's what I ended up doing and it made all the difference in the world.

Your kids sound delightful, by the way!!

[Nohe 5]

As my father is like to say, "You can't shove 10 pounds of manure into a 5 pound bag." That is what it sounds like you were trying to do today and it sounds to me like you did a pretty good job of it. How many parents out there would have stopped trying before their kids were even signed up for soccer let alone run around like a crazy person getting everyone where they needed to be and having taken their medication? So you weren't perfect. There is only one parent who is...God. The rest of us just need to keep doing our best and I would say that your best was pretty darn good this weekend.

[lyns]

as a mom of soon to be four these are the days that I can wait for!!! But you seemed to have handled it well... My mom used to tell me all the time that kids are adaptable and manage pretty well... it sounds like the "soccer" kids all seem to understand the "rules" about you not being able to be there for all game every game...

as a youth pastor... it sounds like Allegra was fighting you on taking her meds and then decided that since you were being so mean that she would just lash out at you in any way possible all b/c she's angry that she has asthma.... no worries... your a great mom...and you were doing what a mom needed to do... We've instilled in our oldest two that their "job" is to protect their younger brother and each other... this usually means not pushing and not touching eyes.... sometimes my oldest gets upset when I guard him....like not letting him jump off the "big" slide at the park... I tell him "its my job to protect you!!!" And that is what you were doing wiht Allegra... you were protecting her (not to mention saving yourself a trip to the ER!!) It sounds like you forgot about yourself all day simply b/c you love your kids!!! GO MOM... by the way congrats on the big 6-0!!! xo lyns

[liz]

You're right that you can't be all to all, but you can do what you did, which is to try to be there for all of them when they need you.

The ones who scored goals didn't need you to see it, they need you to be proud of them, and you are.

The one who didn't take her meds DID need you to do what you did, which is be the Mom. And you did a great job.

Big hugs and much love.

[FishyGirl]

Aw, Carmen, you do a great job. There's no way on God's green earth I could have managed half of what you did. At least you didn't forget anyone and leave them behind, which is probably what I would have done. And you fed them, which I might have forgotten to do, even if it was just hot dogs. Won't kill them to do that from time to time.

I know you know all this already; you also know Allegra's going to be acting that way more often then not for a little while. How many of us would go back to being 12 or 13 again if we had the chance? I know I wouldn't. Pretty much the worst years. And I am stubborn and headstrong and have to learn everything the hard way. I think I'm going to have the worst time when mine hit that age; finding the balance between stepping in and protecting them and stepping back and letting them make mistakes and learn for themselves why they need to do the thinks we want them to do is, I think, going to be the toughest part of being a parent.

Just know that whether we have 1 kid or 15, we've been there and sympathize. And we join you in the tears and mommy juice.

[FishyGirl]

thinGs, thinGs, not thinks we want them to do (though not a bad way to put it)

[Sue Willneff]

Carmen,
You are the most awesome mom. Whenever I am complaining about my ONE child, I stop and think of you and how amazing you are. Let yourself off the hook and take a breath. You children are well rounded and take the cues from them except Allegra until the demons are released from her body. HEHE. See you today at soccer. Sue

[Tessa]

Carmen--

Even with one child I feel like I miss so much. I work full time and during the week by the time we get home, get dinner cooked, get him fed and bathed... its time for bed. NO ONE can be all things for all people. You are doing a great job with them and FOR them. They know you're doing the best you can even if they are lil rebels sometimes. (I dunno about where you live but here there are some NASTY colds and stomach viruses going around and my kid gets pissy and mouthy just before he comes down sick...) Today will be better. (If its not add just a LITTLE extra Kaluah... heh)

Hugs

Tessa

[Alicia]

Where was your hubby during all of this? Mine would have at least had to clean out the car from the gas leak!

[Amy]

Hang in there! We all have days (weeks? months?) like that- but we are moms. We survive these things- somehow!!

we're here for ya!

[Paige]

Oh, the drama of the 12 year old girls. I'm so sorry that she was so terrible to you. We have some days that are like that--run here, run there, and that's just how it goes with multiple kids. If one of our kids scores a goal, we go out for lunch or dinner (as soon as we can work it into the schedule, that is).

Oh, and I got one of those Burt's Bees lipglosses in "Champagne". It looks kind of silver/white on my lips. It's now been relegated to a "Blend" lip gloss. It has to be worn over another color.

Hang in there, baby!

[theotherbear]

Wow, what a horrible day. No normal person would ever be able to fit all that in. I would have bawled (oh, and I too would have made my hubby clean out the car). I'm impressed you held it together. Oh, and now I desperately want hot dogs for lunch.

[Rebekah]

Sorry your day was so rough. Do you ever wonder if it's really worth it to run yourself ragged trying to get your kids from one activity to another? I know I've questioned it myself - just a thought....

[Kate]

Yes, where was your husband in all of this, woman?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Erin]

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I second all the above comments (didn't read them all, but got the general supportive gist). You sound like a very together and involved mom who had a busy day. Enjoy the time you have off. It will be better when you come back to it.

[rachel]

wow - you are an amazing mama. every time I read your blog I'm more and more impressed.

I think Allegra's acting pretty normal for her age, and hopefully she'll get through this phase soon.

We all do the best with what we've got, and while it wasn't perfect, you got to spend the day with your kids - you weren't at work like your Hubster!

[Beth]

I really enjoy reading your blog, and I just had to comment on the "My new lip balm, the one I'd bought at the vitamin shop, the new Burt's Bees lifeguard balm, is apparently white, mostly zinc oxide, and I looked as if I'd bathed in diaper cream" part...I bought the exact same lip balm a few weeks ago, and was getting WEIRD looks out in public. It wasn't until I happened to pass a mirror shortly after putting the lip balm on one day that I discovered why. My lips were white- snow white. WHY would they make and sell lip balm that does that? What a waste of money :(

Anyway, keep up the great blogging. You're an awesome mom- I am the oldest of 7 kids myself :)

[John]

Thanks for the information.