Questions of the day

So, the kid who you all lauded in the last post?  Yeah, that one.  She was horrendously rude to me at lunch today, and misbehaved so badly at the Choir concert tonight that I made her apologize to the choir director.  Life has a funny way of biting me in the butt sometimes.

I'm pondering some things, though.

When kids are small, adults are the be all, do all.  They are the authorities.  Kids believe that all adults like them, that they have their best interests at heart.  They are secure.  By the time they are teenagers, all of that has changed.  Adults are the enemy.  When does the security leave?

What brings that about?  At what age does all of this transformation take place?  Is it a gradual or sudden change?  Do you remember when it happened for you, or for your kids?

Comments

[mmamallama]

Truthfully it depends on the kid but somewhere around 12 girls at least start being embarrassed to admit that they even HAVE parents much less live with them. The good news is that by the time they get to 20 they start to appreciate you again.

You'll get through it and so will they. Just hang on tight to the good moments, they really do outnumber the not-so-good.

[amy]

I am not a psychologist, so let me just offer my humble opinion...kids actually have to rebel (and one hopes it is "safe" rebellion such as rudeness, messy rooms, back talk, swearing and such and not dangerous rebellion like sex, drugs, drinking and other frightening things). They have to rebel so that they can figure out who they are and actually safely separate from their parents. If they do not rebel, then often what happens is anxiety and dependence just when they are needing to be strong and independent. If you can keep this in mind while they are busy growing up and being teenagers, it feels a bit less infuriating. I would just add as a caveat that one of the tricks of parenting teenagers is watching the rebellion carefully so that it does not end up being dangerous. Then you have a whole 'nother set of problems on your hands. Right now you are in the safe rebellion stage, and I feel you will probably stay there! (you probably know all this stuff anyway!!!)

[margalit]

For my daughter it was 11. She turned from a fairly level-headed and sweet kid into a reincanation of the devil child in the Exorcist. HOrrible, rude, untrustworthy, sneaky, defiant... all that and more! But at 13 it totally changed back to her sweet self and now we get along great. Note: menstruation definately played a HUGE part in this.

For my son, who is well behind his twin in the mysteries of puberty, it really took off this year. He's a real pip, that one. Foul mouthed, backtalk, filthy and messy, annoying, etc. I'm ready to ship him off to boarding school, but nobody would take him. He's that bad. I know he'll turn back, but because he's so far behind the hormone challanges, I don't expect him to be nice until he's out of high school. Yeah. FUN!

[Shelly]

I think it's typically middle school age when they begin that process of questioning everything.

[Katie]

It's a hormonal, puberty thing. I am so not looking forward to that and I'm a few years away still. Can we go back to the Terrible 2's please?

[Jennifer]

The big mistake I make with my son (who is 12) is that I tend to think he is a little adult, and in reality he is still a little kid. I think kids act out when they have difficulty solving problems and rather than admit that they are stumped, they shout or pout or act completely obnoxious. My husband and I have been really trying to remain calm and to put an end to the obnoxiousness that sometimes escalates in our house. It's a battle.

[Tim]

For my daughter, it was age 12. Sixth grade. The dreaded day when she begged me to stay in the car to avoid worse-than-death embarrassment when I picked her up from school. The security blanket was officially stowed in the bottom drawer that day.

Jump ahead four years to age 16. We frequent Starbucks together at least once each week, sitting and talking about her day (oh no......being seen in public with Dad). Once I understood and started to respect her need for independence her attitude towards me did a 180.

[Mama Bear]

Aaah, that fun age when they "outgrow" you. I have a friend who always says, "if they stay well behaved and you don't argue with them, what incentive do they have to move out?" Just think, they would live with you forever! Heh!
I have 2 teens and one early puberty 9 year old. Not easy those teen years. The boy is moody, messy and grumpy; thought it was all normal until he came to me just last night. He'd been to the counselor at school and she thinks he is suffering from some depression and should see a psychaitrist. I keep kicking myself and wondering why I didn't see it... sigh... just thought it was all normal behaviors. Keep a close eye!

[Sandra]

My daughter Lyndsey just turned 12 Wednesday. I'd say I've been as dumb as a rock to her since she was 10 or so. LOL She still is my little girl from time to time and then semi-adult sometimes. It depends upon her hormonal mood!! Arg!

[marta]

From what I read in your About Me column up there in the blog this daughter of yours is 9. That surely is not when teenage begins, is it? Because my eldest is just 7 and I was hoping for at least more 5 to 6 years of childhood bliss... oh no!