Mom to the Screaming Masses

Forgiveness

Angela of Fluid Pudding and Flawed but Authentic posted this list the other day. On the list, she labels ten ways that she can forgive herself. It is making the rounds as a "sort of meme."  Here's my version:

• I forgive myself for sometimes losing my shit with my kids - actually, this was on her list and it's so dramatic that I've keeping it.  Especially after this week. ;)
• I forgive myself for not always keeping a clean house - again, hers, but I'm digging it myself.
• I forgive myself for not finishing college. One day, but that day is not anytime soon.
• I forgive myself for being an awesome cook and serving grilled cheese to my kids instead of a gourmet meal designed to expose them to global cuisine.  Twice this week.  With fruit and carrots, but still....
• I forgive myself for not being very social.  Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere - not with the moms of preschoolers - most of them don't have older kids.  Not with the moms of older kids - most of them don't have smaller kids.  Not at the gym or in capoeira - I'm the only female.  Sometimes it's a struggle to feel like I belong, and I recognize that it's ok to feel that way.
• I forgive myself for having no idea how to apply the Bare Escentuals makeup my friend sent me, and even following the directions I don't think it's amazing. 
• I forgive myself for not yet scheduling my first mammogram.  Even though my midwife gave me orders two years ago.  (I know, I know!)
• I forgive myself for zoning out on the conversation with my five year old, where she probably planned world domination and how I would buy her a pony.
• I forgive myself for not being able to do the Soulja Boy dance, and for not even trying. And for not having the desire to participate in something so hip.
• I forgive myself for never ever being on top of the laundry, for always having a large pile on the sofa.
• I forgive myself for letting the phone go to voice mail, even if I'm sitting right next to it. (Except for when you call.  I ALWAYS answer the phone then.)
• I forgive myself for not caring that my son goes to school in wrinkly clothing.

There.  I feel better.  Who knew I had so much to forgive myself for? 

Care to play along?

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I didn't forget the questions that I promised to answer.  Tomorrow - pinky promise.

Scary times

So, I work in a kitchen.  We have a walk in freezer and refrigerator.  My boss has told me repeatedly that it is impossible to be trapped inside. She's shown me how that won't happen. She reminds me all the time how it could never happen, that there are safety features.  Despite her reassurances, I still worry.

For, you see, that is one of my biggest fears.

And it came to pass, Monday morning, that I went into the freezer to get some tortillas and the door closed behind me.  I grabbed the box and tried to open the door.  Nothing.  I put down the box and tried again. Nothing.  I hit the door, banged on the door, and

Nothing.

No biggie, I thought.  I'll grab my phone and call her - actually, both of my bosses were in the office and I'd just ask them to come let me out.  A very long fifteen seconds went by while I looked for my phone, ALWAYS on my belt.  Not there.

Fifteen more seconds went by as I tried the door again.  Finally, after it'd been a minute or so and I was steadily beginning to panic, I kicked the door and it nudged open a bit. I kicked it again and it popped open. 

My boss was outside the door.  "What happened?"  she asked.  When I explained, she said that it probably had gotten stuck because of the long weekend.  You never know how long a minute is until you are stuck in a freezer.

What's your biggest fear?
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Come check me out at Zwaggle again!  Did you all happen to see the awesome article about Zwaggle on News.com?  It gives a background and talks a bit about the site, which is one that I really like.  I'm not just saying that, either.  I'm planning on listing a ton of stuff when I actually have time to breathe!

Open house!

One of the good things about selling your house is that you get to go look at other houses that are for sale. 
You get to see some really nice houses, some really "interesting" decorating, and meet some, um, unusual folks out there.  Take the people I met this past weekend.

I pulled up in front of a nice looking two story.  As I got out of the car, I could see the other potential buyers leaving their cars and scoping me out.  They stared at me - whispering to themselves, I imagined, things like "Why is SHE looking at this house?  We are going to buy it!", and rushing to the front door to enter ahead of me.  Why it is a race I have NO idea. 

My first hint of weirdness wold be the fact that this was billed as an OPEN house, and yet, the front door was not only locked but apparently bolted as well.  I rang the bell and the bolt slid back.  The door opened a crack, and a face peered out.  "Can I help you?"  a voice called. 

"Um, yeah, isn't this an open house?"  I asked. "Can I come in and see?" 

She opened the door just a bit wider and said suspiciously, "Is it just you?  Are you alone?"  I looked around me for confirmation and nodded my head.  She opened the door and granted me entrance.  I wasn't sure if this was really where I wanted to go - she seemed a bit odd to me, but I thought it was worth a shot.  The house was in a great location and would fit our family, and even though our house isn't sold, I thought it'd be good to see what else was out there.

She offered to give a tour and I declined.  I'd much rather look at a house on my own, puttering around and thinking about how I'd set up if we moved into the house.  I spent a few minutes looking here and there, and came around the corner, running smack into the male owner of the house.  He, apparently, was of the "No personal space" era, pushing his face right into mine.  "Are you going to buy my house?"  he demanded. 

"Well, I'd like to look at it, if that's ok."  I said.  He breathed out - coffee, anyone? - and said, "I've got a contract on the house already, I'm just waiting to sign it until tomorrow.  You'd better not waste my time if you want to buy it."  he growled.

So, yeah.  Why have an open house if you have already SOLD the house?  It turns out that the selling price that the new buyer offered was $60,000 less than the asking price.  No wonder he wanted a different buyer.

Selling a house is a drag.  I'm just finding that out.  The hard way. 

Life is sneaky

Saturday was especially difficult for my sensory kiddo.  She spent a great deal of the day crying, screaming, throwing stuff, pulling off her clothes and tossing them, and being put BACK into the corner chair repeatedly.  And held there.  And being spoken to, and spitting at me and stomping her foot, and....

Sigh.  Just say it was a tough day and let it go at that.  I'm getting depressed just remembering.

She went to bed at 6:30 and, amazingly, went straight to sleep.  With no backtalk, and no fussing.  Just - turned over and went to sleep. 

I decided to take my son to see the movie Bella.  He wasn't thrilled to go, but he was bored and wanted to get out of the house, so he agreed.  We went to the mall and walked in to a theater with about 20 other people, and sat to watch what I had heard was a great movie.

PEOPLE.  Great movie does not even begin to describe this flick.  I cried and cried, sobbing my eyes out in parts.  I was gripped by the story line from the beginning. My son squirmed in his seat at first, but within thirty minutes he was still and focused. 

At one point in the movie, a little girl appeared.  She was four years old, and reminded me of my own daughter.  My difficult daughter, the one I had spent the vast majority of the day being frustrated and annoyed with. I watched the little girl on the screen laugh and play and I thought about my daughter.  The girl on screen, for a moment, BECAME my daughter - laughing and running, calling to her mother.  And then, in an instant, the little girl died.  I wasn't expecting that and felt a knife to my heart, almost as if it really had been my daughter. 

It could happen just like that.  I know it could.  no matter how frustrating she is, she is still here.  It was a great, timely lesson for me.

If you can possibly squeeze it into your busy days, go see this movie. It's a limited run and it's not playing everywhere, but it is so worth it. There is a strong pro life message, but whatever side of the fence you fall on, I know you will not leave the theater untouched. 

Mission Monday - hahahaha

I had an extremely productive weekend - how about you?  With all of the productiveness, though, came some crankiness.  Comes with the territory, I think.  Sometimes you get on a roll and you don't want to stop, no matter if all of the signs are pointing right in your face and screaming.

Ahem.

I worked on my book, (2500 words), did five product reviews ahead of the game, and wrote two complaint letters, as well as spent a hunk of time looking for comparable houses in my area.  When I finally emerged from my computer screen coma, I went upstairs to read to my little girls.  They were feeling silly and rolled around in their beds, giggling like mad and just generally enjoying themselves thoroughly.  I stood and watched them for a minute, and realized that I could jump in with them.  So I did.  I was stressed and grumpy, but the simple act of laying down with my little girls,tickling them and laughing at the dumbest knock knock jokes ever felt good.

So laugh.  Do something today that will make you laugh.  Read a funny story, check out youtube, sit around with the closest five year old, watch a comedian.  Whatever you need to do, do it.  Spend a few minutes in laughter today. 

I guarantee it will help your mood. It sure did mine.

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If you would, send up a prayer/positive thought for us.  We've got two people looking at our house tonight. 
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Also, check out Scrutiny By The Masses, where I share my feelings - and those of my girls - on the stupendous new Daring Book for Girls!

Black Friday Shopping

I was supremely aggravated Thanksgiving night, when I tried to open up a program on my computer.  See, I'm working on this book, maybe I've mentioned it a time or three, and I've been typing it in Word.  I got a new computer a while back, and mistakenly, I assumed that the version of Word that was installed was an actual VERSION, and not a TRIAL.  I must have been blind, or say, stupid, not to realize this.  So yesterday when I had spare time and I wanted to work on writing, the program was locked and I couldn't do anything.  My free trial was UP and I needed to buy the real program.  I looked at buying the download, but then remembered that I have a balance left on a gift card to Circuit City for over half of the amount of purchase.  I'd bought a gift card from school to buy gifts for my kids and didn't use it all, so I had money left over.  Great!  I'd use the extra to buy Microsoft Office and all would be well.  I'd go out Friday morning and buy it, and then I could spend all weekend writing.

Oh, you see where this is going, don't you?

Who says I have unrealistic expectations?

Who among us ate pie for breakfast?  So much for whole grain cereal - pumpkin pie is healthy, right?

Show of hands if you have dishes from yesterday still sitting in your sink, "drying", of course.  Yeah, those will get put away some time today.  Maybe.

Have you yelled at your kids 300 times today?  I think I did this in the first hour.

Who expected a Norman Rockwell Turkey day?  Who got The Simpsons instead?

The Hubster woke later than usual, and decided that we were going to watch the parade as a family together. TOGETHER, damnit! I tried to tell him that it wasn't a good idea.  I KNOW these kids, and they care nothing for the parade.  Truth be told, I'm not much of a parade person either.  I get bored watching them, even the MacGranDaddy Macy's Day Parade.  Three hours of parade watching is about 2.5 hours too long, if you ask me. 

But, dutifully, we all sat down.  He wanted family togetherness, he would get family togetherness.  "He's sitting next to me.  Move away, butthead!"  "This is booooring, can I go on the computer?"  "Stop bothering your sister.  Stop BOTHERING your SISTER!"  "I can talk if I want to.  Don't tell me to be quiet."  "This.is.SO.boring."  "Why do we have to be together?  I'd rather be alone."

Yeah, pretty much the whole first hour went like that. (Most all family things end up like this.)  One by one, the kids snuck away, until it was just the two of us on the couch. One kid was playing Game Cube, one was on the computer, two were trying to jump rope in the backyard, and two more were mysteriously just GONE.  He looked at me and said, "So much for family togetherness.  I think it's overrated, anyway."  Me too, buddy.  Me too.

T minus 12 hours

Tomorrow I am making:

• carrot souffle - a recipe that I got from my sister - it is one of the only things that my family requests every single holiday
• cheesy Risotto - I read a recipe that has my beloved Laughing Cow Garlic and Herb Spreadable Cheese stirred in at the end, and I'm hoping it's as good as it sounds
• homemade crescent rolls
• green beans

My only company will be my father in law, who is bringing the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and stuffing with him.  Methinks I'm getting the better end of this swap. 

Have a GREAT turkey day!  My non American readers, enjoy your November 22!

I got nothing

I am fatigued.  Wiped.  Crabby and out of sorts.

So, I'm resorting to the tried and true "Ask Me a Question!" format that seems to be becoming popular, now that we are into Day 20 of National Blog Posting Month.  Not that I'm running out of stuff to talk about.  No sir, not me.

Ask me whatever and I'll do my best to answer it.  Remember, though, my kids read here, my coworkers read here, my kids teachers read here - sometimes while my kids are in class with them (!) - my parents read here, my sisters who don't speak to me read here, parents of my kids friends read here and share the info with their kids - my point is, don't ask me anything raunchy that my kids shouldn't read, because you know they'll hear about it pronto.

In a previous question, which I will go ahead and answer now, I was asked a question about magazines.  I read lots of them - they are quick to read, I can take them to work with me, I can digest small bits of info rapidly.  I read Prevention, Women's Health, Shape, Self, Real Simple, Good Housekeeping, Reader's Digest, Oprah, Runner, Fitness, Fitness RX, Coping with Asthma and Allergies (at the allergist!), Mental Floss, Redbook, Family Fun, occasional copies of the Autism-Asperger's Digest, and probably something else.  I think that's enough!

If you don't have a question for me, what magazines do you read?

Exhausted!

I've got a kid with an ear infection and asthma.  Thank goodness we have two nebulizers, because an older kid needs the other one.  I skipped capoeira tonight, a feat that is rare around these parts, to stay home and listen for coughing. 

Not that I've heard ANYTHING ELSE for the past five or so nights.  Ye gods, I'm tired and I don't even have a newborn.

But this is a short work week, only two days, and then I have five days to listen to whining  break up fights   clean up the house  rest and relax. 

Asthma sucks wind.  Literally.  Five of my six kids have it.  Two are mild, one is exercise induced, two are moderate, flaring to severe occasionally, just to keep things exciting. :)

OH!  I almost forgot - I colored my hair half a shade darker.  I really like it - maybe I'll post a pic later this week - but was told by someone that it makes me look older and she much prefers it blond.  Whatever.

What are you cooking this week?

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I'm up over at Zwaggle again!  Come check me out, why don't you?