Bullies and Their Stupid Heads and Stupid Faces

While I'm away at the Johnson and Johnson's Camp Baby, please enjoy this guest post by The Backpacking Dad.

I am a new father. And being a new father I am consumed with worry and dread about the things my daughter will have to face in her life.

I'm not worried about the near future, of course. Because I am a big, strong, guy and I carry her on my back, and I will do that figuratively long after I can no longer do it literally. So as far as the near future is concerned, I'm pretty certain I can protect her as much as she needs to be protected; and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize when she doesn't need protection.

But no, my real worries, and I developed them almost instantly when I saw her face in the delivery room, are worries about her adolescence. How can I raise her to be smart about boys (or girls?) when most people are just stupid about that stuff when they are teenagers? How can I raise her to be self-confident, when most teenagers are constant self-doubters.

How can I raise her to deal with bullying?

There is some folk wisdom about bullying that says: "Bullies just want to control you, so ignore them and they'll go away."

I have heard this advice my whole life, and I've made use of it when I had to deal with bullies in my own adolescence and pre-adolescence. But because of my own experience implementing this little tidbit in real life I've had to conclude that this advice is just plain dangerous and wrong.

Now, I don't mean that there aren't cases in which the bully can be ignored into irrelevance. But the advice assumes something about every bully, or even most bullies, that is just not true in my experience with them.

It is a common assumption that bullies are bullying you to control <i>you</i>. And this is false in many, many cases.

I think I can identify three types of bullies that I've encountered in my own life. There are probably more, but I think three is enough to show that the common assumption about is missing something.

1. The Psychopath:   This bully is driven by a need to see which of your buttons can be pushed,   and how you will react to him pushing them. He wants to control you. He   lacks both empathy and fear, so neither reasoned argument nor violent   reactions work to dissuade him. This is the classic bully profile, and   the one against whom ignoring might actually work. If you are uninteresting,   this bully might just leave you alone because you are no fun.
2. The Sadist: This   bully is actually driven by a need to cause pain and discomfort in other   people so that he can change the way <i>he</i> feels; he   does it to control his own emotions, not necessarily yours. Unlike the   Psychopath, the Sadist does not bully out of curiosity and and a lack   of fear and empathy. This bully actually feels things very acutely,   and it is his very empathy that makes him so good at causing pain. This   bully cannot be ignored; he takes pleasure in even the imagined pain   he is causing you, so it doesn't matter if you give no outward sign   of your discomfort. The Sadist has a good imagination. But, having a   good imagination also comes with a good dose of fear; this is the type   of bully that will most quickly cease his activities if he is hurt badly   enough. If you are going to react violently to a bully, this is the   one to do it against. This one is the coward.
3. The Glory Hound:   This bully is actually not out to control either you or himself, but   the crowd. He wants to be in charge of the group around him, and you   are just the convenient tool that he can use to intimidate or entertain   the crowd. He is the one most likely to subtly marginalize an individual,   forcing them to the outside of the social group, and then once this   marginalization is accomplished he will use more overt tactics (violence,   intimidation, mockery) to keep his victim from rejoining the crowd and   regaining the protection it affords. Violence will not work against   this bully, because he cannot afford to lose control of the group, so   he will fight long past his own pain to make sure he does not lose that   advantage. Ignoring him will not work either, because he cannot let   himself be seen as ineffective at intimidation, so his behavior will   escalate rather than taper off when he is presented with a victim who   ignores him. Unfortunately, the only way to rid yourself of this nuisance   is to find some way to be protected by the crowd again, by either wresting   control of the crowd away from him entirely, or otherwise blending in   with the group and thereby becoming useless as a tool of crowd control.

   Unfortunately, the classic tactic of ignoring the bully will only work against one of the types I've encountered. When I tried to deploy it as a tactic against the Sadist and the Glory Hound I just ended up drawing out my own torment.

   Now that I'm 6'1, 200 lbs, I don't worry about bullies in my own life. But I hope that my experience with them will help my daughter when she has to deal with them. I want to be able to tell her something more than "Just ignore them." That kind of wishful thinking might get her hurt.

Comments

[Anne]

I think you're spot on, but it's a bit different with girls as they have this whole passive/aggressive behind-the-scenes stuff going on. Fortunately, my daughter saw, at an early age, the folly of all that "drama" and stayed out of it. Good luck ... it was definitely different than with my boys.

[Anne]

I think you're spot on, but it's a bit different with girls as they have this whole passive/aggressive behind-the-scenes stuff going on. Fortunately, my daughter saw, at an early age, the folly of all that "drama" and stayed out of it. Good luck ... it was definitely different than with my boys.

[Backpacking Dad]

No doubt girls have to deal with bullies differently. I wouldn't even have the first clue how to type girl bullies. So I'm going to have to solicit advice from many other people by the time my daughter is old enough to have to deal with it.

The one thing that's slipped out into popular culture is how much more vicious girl bullies are seen/depicted than boys. But that might be a sensationalization (new word!) rather than fact.

[Headless Mom]

As the mom of a teenage girl I feel somewhat in touch with this subject. (My girl is similar to Anne's though, hates the drama for the most part.) The girl stuff is definitely more emotional, and in general girls scar with this way worse than something physical or more aggressive.

My general advice for the parent of a girl is to keep the lines of communication open and early-they'll keep talking as teens if you have the relationship established. Then if/when any bully (or other) situation comes up you'll know better which kind (!) and how to handle it within her personality.

Great post BpD!

[amy]

I too have a teenage daughter...2 of them, 14 & 12. I started reading books that deal with these issues long before they ever became reality in our house. Good book for girl issues is Odd Girl Out all about cliques etc. Another one for both genders at all ages is The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander. Identifies the types of kids that bully, their motivation, and how to empower our kids to deal or report and the difference between reporting and tattling. Very good book. A book I have yet to get my hands on but is worth the purchase price from what I've heard is Queen Bees and Wannabees. Again about teen girls and cliques.
Unfortunately we can't protect/shield them from everything. They learn hard lessons about true friends and the value of them at an early age. Unfortunately it's a lesson learned not usually taught so we can't protect them from it 100%.

[Jennifer]

I agree with the above poster. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with people and not everyone is going to like you and want to be your friend. Life is hard. I have three daughters and the only advise I can offer is to love your daughter and make your home a safe, loving refuge for her. Home is where your children will find their strength, with family, not hanging out at the Mall with their crew. The teenage years are very short.

[Brandy]

As a woman who was bullied as a child, I can say that your analysis of the types of bullies is correct. And now that I have children I worry incessantly that they will be bullied as well. But, I will say that bullies can not be ignored. Not by the child being bullied, not by the parents and certainly not by the authorities.

[foradifferentkindofgirl]

I had experience with being bullied in late middle school/high school. I was a very quiet girl. VERY. I also just wanted to get through the days and deal with what I'd have to deal with when I got home at night, which was an entirely different ballgame. For some reason, being a quiet kid helped target me as being "too good" for others, for one. Lots of drama, and an inability to know how to deal with it, made my later school years an exercise in frustration.

Now, my oldest son will be entering middle school next fall, and there is a part of me that dreads the change this part of his life could bring. This is a time when kids start testing their power, and, should he have to deal with bullies, I want to be able to help. I believe we've raised him to be a kid who won't be a bully, nor a victim, but I can't imagine we'll get through the remainder of his school years unscathed by it.

[Samurai Beetle]

When I was in high school, girls were cruel in an attempt to make themselves feel better. It really hit me one day when the ugliest girl in class - really she had rat shaped features and I felt rather bad for her until she started viciously attacking me in Food 101 for something I can't even remember. I just remember thinking wow, this bully thing is really just a way for her to feel better about herself.

[Rachel]

I appreciate this post... Not so much because I am worried about bullies for my kids (I am.), but because I'm worried that my kid IS the bully.

It is so important for him to be right and/or to look good, he has hurt other kids who get in his way. He has had difficulty dealing with being angry and looses control at the least provocation.

The thing you wrote about "the glory hound" fits him, I think. One of the ways that it's possible to dissapate his anger is to direct it toward something funny. - which is basically, another good way to deal with this kind of bully (for all you other parents out there).

And... anyone have suggestions for moms of the angry ones?

[Backpacking Dad]

Thanks a lot for that comment, Rachel. I think it's just as important for us as parents to be worried that our kids are becoming bullies.

It's probably easier to worry about being bullied because those of us who have dealt with bullies retain those memories pretty strongly; I don't know how strongly former bullies remember how they dealt with those around them, but I imagine that they end up at a little remove, and so they don't worry about the bullying issue, from either side, as much as the rest.

Excellent question, Rachel.