The IBSC

I have a good friend. (I know, stunning.)  She's able to call me on the the crap - to see through the bravado, the hype, the hard sell  I can talk to her honestly, tell her the God's honest truth and know that she'll do the same for me.  She knows what to say, what to do, and how to tell me, at the same time preserving our friendship.  We've been friends for about 10 years now. (I can't believe I haven't driven her off.)

I've been chatting with her on some issues that I'm having, some things that I'm struggling with - things I've never blogged about here.  It's hard to blog about my entire life, knowing that I'd be baring my insides - not to mention my unders - for people I see every day in real life, for coworkers and relatives, for step kids and sisters, my mother and father, teachers and coaches of my kids.  Those hairy, dark, slightly insane parts of me that I try to keep hidden, those parts I really don't want the daily interactors to know about. 

So I chat with my friend. And she totally called me on something this past week. 

"Wow.  You are really working with the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee."

The who?  The IBSC?

Her concept is that it's the committee inside your head that tells you aren't aren't good enough, you'll never be good enough no matter what you do, and you are crazy to even try it.  The part of you that, when you send an email to someone and they don't IMMEDIATELY reply, convinces you that the recipient is busy plotting against you.  The committee that tells you when you enter a party that everyone is looking at you, everyone is talking about you and it's all negative.  The internal conversation when you apply for a job - one you don't think you'll qualify for, one that you hope and pray you'll be awarded, but you are afraid that if they REALLY knew you, they'd laugh their heads off at your temerity for applying.

Apparently, a lot of people struggle with this.  I've noticed lately that one of my kids is similarly affected. 

So, if you struggle with this, how do you get past it?  How did/do you help your kids not to listen to the IBSC, but instead to feel important and proud and, yes, worthy of everything good that comes their way? 

And how do you get over it yourself?

Comments

[amy]

Get over it? I don't know about that... but if you take a step back for a second (which is really about all the time a body can spare) and realize ALL that you are actually accomplishing...it tends to change your perspective. How many people do you know, that does all that you do? With the extra attention that goes with all the kids, all the house stuff, the job stuff, the life stuff? There aren't many people that can do all that a mom (especially a mom of many) can do... and that in its self is a MAJOR accomplishment. That is what you need to realize... it keeps the Committee at bay.
:)

[Tina]

I don't know, but if you come up with any answers, I'd appreciate you sharing them...I'm in a constant struggle with the committee.

[Daniel Bradley]

I am pretty sure that is called low self esteem and it showed in your public posts about your giving weeks. I know your intentions were genuinely good, but when you have reached a point that you are asking for recognition from strangers it is time to admit you need help in the form of support, understanding and praise from those around you and most importantly from within yourself.

[jen]

Oh, I like that name a whole lot better. I've been calling it The Voice. IBSC is a better description.
And take the IBSC out for a few drinks...and leave it at the bar. By the time it finds you, you won't need it anymore. ;)

[wookie]

For me, it was hearing someone say one day "The entire world is NOT about you. Really." (they weren't talking to me, specifically, it was part of a speech).

When I apply for a job? They don't know me from Adam, and I've got the same chance as everyone else. Not better, not worse, pretty much the same.

When I go to a part, most people there are ALSO thinking that everyone is looking at them, or wondering if they have a run in their nylons, or wether or not that little bit of finger food is ruining their diets. That one pisses me off the most... no one gives a sh*t what I put on my plate... they're all worried either about themselves or that I'm judging what they're putting on their plates!

Etc. Etc. Etc.

We are all humans. While it is fairly natural to assume that this is how other people think, they are actually usually all thinking the exact same thing as you.

[Kelli]

Wow! I really needed this today! I am going for an interview for a new job. My last one ended badly with a psycho boss. She was my personal SC. Best of luck with your committee. Sometimes I can lose mine, but, most of the time not.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I'd say that a woman who can lose 80 pounds while raising six kids can do just about anything.

[Rocky]

They used to tell us we had 3 parts,
Child= one who has fun
Adult = One that is responsible
Parent = one that tells us what or how to behave (our Mother)
I think I like IBSC better

[Erin]

I have been very close with the IBSC lately. I'm not sure how to shut them up but if you figure it out, please share with the class!! :)

[Rachel]

I have the same problem, but I don't think it is low-self esteem. My husband always says that whenever we devote all that time to thinking of ourselves, whether the thoughts are negative or positive, it is really just self-centered. One thing that always helps me is after a party or anything else that starts the Committee, I try to take one other person and remember what they wore, ate, did to embarass themselves, etc. Nine times out of ten I can't really remember anything other than their attitude. If they were happy and uplifting to be around, then all I can think is how much I appreciate them. If they were down, I just think that with all they have in their life, maybe they just need a boost. If they did embarass themselves and I do remember, usually I just smile and I like anyone who makes me smile. I guess everyone is pretty much the same and that is probably all they can remember of me, too. I started doing this after high school and it made a world of difference. The truth is that no one is plotting against us because we are all too busy in our own little worlds. By the way, I liked your giving posts. We all need some accountability and I saw them more as that than seeking recognition from strangers. Besides, they made me think and gave me good ideas for my own life. Good luck dumping the Committee!

[Headless Mom]

The IBSC gets us all down from time to time.

Capoeria- punching, kicking. Get all that bad energy out. Then get on with it.

And I'm buying the first round in SF. A good drink and a good friend should help!

[xenia kathryn]

I really struggle with low-self esteem. The IBSC is full of demons who love to torture. Just ignore them. Don't fight them, because that engages them. Just ignore them.

[Brandy]

If I ever come out on the other side of the IBSC I'll let you know. *sigh* In the meantime, you're one of the strongest women I "know". Don't let it win.

[Elizabeth]

I have a book to recommend. It is called "Learned Optimism" and was written by Dr. Martin Seligman. Dr. Seligman is a honest-to-God respected scientist in the field of mental health who decided to see if there was a way to vaccinate children against depression. He found that there are techniques that can be learned that shut the IBSC up. I used this with my oldest and she has turned into a very positive and confident adult. Child #2 is working on it and it didn't seem like it would take for a long time, but now at 16 she verbalizes when she is taking a negative automatic message and turning it around. It's not like reading this will fix it, but it will add some tools to your toolbox for fixing - both for you and your child. Best of luck!

[Jen]

IBSC. What a perfect post - thank you for this. I know exactly how you feel, and sympathise - as it really sucks, doesn't it! Thank you for putting it so succinctly and honestly.

[Anna]

The IBSC lives at my house. Or used to, until I kicked them out. I had a little bit of therapy, which helped me get the ball rolling.