And then, I realized it just.wasn't.my.night

I decided to do something tonight that I rarely do.  Something that, whenever I do it, I realize what an IDIOT I am to attempt it, and, yet, I FORGET that and I go AGAIN.  Hope springs eternal, you know, and sometimes I think I'm a better parent than I actually am, and I forget that - wait - you probably want to know what I did, don't you?

Duh-duh-duh.

I went to church by myself with the four youngest kids.  Clue the stupidity music right now.

My first clue should have been the conversation that began while they ate pizza slices for dinner.  "I was the first one up, right Mom?"  I looked blankly at the child - I have no idea who got up when.  She continued, "It goes me, Daddy, Mommy" and then she listed her siblings in various order.  Another child piped up, "No, no - I was up before him. The order goes..."  and a third child said, "I was up before you!  Why did you say that?"

Who cares who was up first?  THAT conversation continued all the way to church.  We stopped at the bathroom before heading into the sanctuary, and I reminded the kids that the bathroom was now off limits.  We had the "Quick" priest scheduled - I felt reasonably certain that they were all capable of holding it for 45 minutes.  (Me, now that's another story for another day.  Ahem.)

And then the games began.  One child was horrific.  She whined, she cried, she threw herself on the floor.  She threw herself back into the pew and slammed her head smack into the praying hands of an older woman behind us. I'm pretty certain it left bruises.  She popped one of my necklaces, grabbed my earring, and threw her flip flops twice.  We went "outside" three times - fill in the euphemism with what you will - I'm not going into the dynamics of what the punishment was, but she was punished.  We garnered quite an insane amount of attention, but it was nothing compared to the finale.

For, you see, she began to whine dramatically that she was thirsty, which reminded my other kids that  they were in need of the potty, and soon, all four were wiggling and whining. In my frustration, I picked her up.  She immediately went boneless above the hips, flopping her body sideways, smacking her head on the pew in front of her, and taking the front of my blouse along with her. 

Not quite as classy as the time my skirt fell down in church, but pretty damned close.

NEVER going solo with kids again. 

Comments

[Traci]

I made that mistake...once and only once. I empathize with you. Why is it that our most embarassing moments happen because of our kids?

I hope blogging was a bit of therapy for you!

[Headless Mom]

Yikes.

Just 4 days until you get a break, though.

[FishyGirl]

Oh, Carmen. It's situations like that that make me glad sometimes that my husband isn't Catholic and won't attend Mass. I take my kids one at a time, on a rotating schedule, and I only recently got the point where I'll take the 2 bigs at the same time. They just fight, and then they do something embarrassing, and none of us are getting anything out of it - Nothing. Yet they do fine one at a time. It's so crazy-making.

[Backpacking Dad]

wow.

[Elizabeth]

When you say "taking the front of your blouse along with her", do you mean like it actually came UNDONE? in Church? oh, oh, (trying not to laugh) I'm so sorry!

P.S. Will you be at BlogHer? I have a new cell phone number which I would like to give you, email me!

[amy]

I'll try to channel the calm of you as I corral my 4 at Dicks Sporting goods since H (my oldest) informed me YESTERDAY that field hockey practice starts Monday @@ DH is at a sales conference so that = me + 4 kids at the sporting goods store alone. I can be calm. All is zen....I can be calm...no one will ask for anything. There will be running or fighting in the store. No racks will be tipped no bikes fallen over.
I can be calm. They can be good.
Here's to hoping

[Jamie]

I took my girls solo to church in June and haven't been back. ;)

Yikes!

It's those moments that are somewhat humbling.

[angie]

Something about night-time and church and kids that is just wrong. I feel for you. How embarrassing!

[Kathleen]

Another chapter in your book WHY I LOVE BEING A MOM.

Good for you for taking them, and not leaving them home. Jesus said, "Bring me the children..." good and bad. Personally, I think each time that happens to me (though I have never lost a shirt at Mass),I am 2 steps closer to heaven.

[jen]

Uh-oh. Un-good. ;) I only have two, we go on Sundays, and I still won't take in the boys by myself. No way I could do it and stay sane in church. Of course, I'm usually playing my flute at church, but that's a different topic. ;)

[Starr]

Oh, Carmen. ((hugs)) I hope everyone around you was sympathetic. I get very irked at people who are impatient when young ones aren't at their absolute best in church. How are they supposed to learn if you don't take them, right?

And God bless the "Quick" priest. My kids always loved him--especially on Christmas Eve! LOL

[kalisah]

you DO have a penchant for losing your clothes in church, don't you?

[Peanut]

Oh, Carmen! I know it was probably horrible, but you made me laugh aloud. My siblings and I used to torture my mother by choosing "the Word" before Mass every Sunday. We would then proceed to keep a mental count of how many times that word was spoken by the priest during the next hour. The higher the number got, the more hysterical we became every time it was spoken. Aahhh...the good old days!

[Brandy]

Sorry to hear things went, um, wrong. You have my admiration for trying!
I just have two and when hubs isn't able to attend during Holy Days during the week, I take them. But, to be honest. I cheat. I load my purse up with gum or dum-dums beforehand.

[Jess]

Did you threaten them with eternal damnation if they did not behave? Did you warn them that Jesus was watching and then point to the crucifix on the wall?

One of the ladies in our church who has 13 children, I heard her do all of the above and more one Sunday. I almost peed my pants.

[G Groszek]

Hmmm, judging by the quick priest responce I would have to guess, Luke, since John hasn't been around in a while, and a Sat night matinee seeing how I didn't see you there today, and I can honestlt say that I don't think I've ever seen any of your kids misbehave in church, I've always thought they are very good children, or maybe because Dad is usually there. I hope today was much better for you :-)

[N.]

Boy, does that ever bring back memories!!! Thank goodness we are a military family and had to rotate churches several times when they were all little. Most military churches do not have crying rooms, plus we thought it would teach them to sit quietly... It actually helped when the 2 older ones were old enough to be alter boys. We made them serve mass together so we would only have the ADD kid to deal with. He used to lay under the kneeler -- at least he was the quiet one. We NEVER, no matter how much they begged, to bring ziploc bags of cheerios. The best thing we ever did was bribe them, if they were good they get a donut after Mass. It worked most of the time. :)
Bless you, Carmen, for your effort!!!
But hey, when I was reading that, I thought: I'm one of 5 kids. I KNOW my parents never had issues with us in church. All my dad had to do was give us the look.....

[Heatherl]

Wow! Nice to know my children, specifically my daughter are not the only ones who do that in church. I've had several people tell me how much fun it is to watch my children during mass. Glad someone's entertained. But it wasn't the woman behind me last Sunday who wouldn't even shake my hand at the sign of peace.

[Amanda]

Funny stuff. Alas, this is one of the main reasons I turned my back on Catholicism and now go to a non-denominational church where the kids are in Sunday School while I'm at service. Not having to focus on kids makes me enjoy the sermon and I find myself looking forward to going to church every week.