What Do You Owe The Public?

 

This is kind of a heavy post, so I wanted to let you know up here that I have a new post up over at Zwaggle.  And don't forget the giveaways at Scrutiny by The Masses - I don't have many entries for the photography book!

Last week we had our big fishing trip. We took a meal with us, thinking that there might be an eating space nearby.  And there was, and so while we set everything up, the kids sat under the gazebo and ate.  When the lines were set up and the bait had been (euw!) prepped, we called them out to us and they came running.  All except Riley.  Often, Riley doesn't join in, preferring to keep to herself.  That's fine with me.  I don't force her to join in - often, that's counterproductive to our family enjoyment. 

So we were fishing, or, rather the family was fishing and I was watching, because, euw! She strolled from the fishing area to the gazebo, bit her hamburger and walked back.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  She sang songs to herself and played finger games, stopped to admire some flowers, climbed on the bench and called to me often.  When she wasn't next to me, I kept my eye on her most of the time, flipping from "watch me fish, Mom!" to watching her play.  She was satisfied to be alone.  In short, it was a time that worked for her.  She was content, and that's a state I strive for.  I relaxed, admiring the boats docked in the marina and waving to a woman who walked by with her medium sized dog on a leash.

Until I heard her scream, and scream, and scream - long, ear piercing, heart rending screams that seemed follow each other - as soon as one ended, she began again, without taking a breath.  Wondering what in the world was going on, thinking maybe she'd been hurt, I looked around frantically.  I couldn't see her at first.  I got up and ran over to the gazebo, where I could hear her shrieking - no words, just one long, repeated scream.  As I rounded the edge of the gazebo, I noticed the woman I'd seen earlier running in my direction - carrying the dog leash.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.  An EMPTY dog leash. 

My child is petrified of dogs.  As in an actual, physical fear, one that causes her to shut down and close off.  And this dog was chasing her, because, in her fear and absolute insistence on escaping, she was running.  Around and around the perimeter of the gazebo - and at one point, the dog CAUGHT UP TO HER AND HE JUMPED UP on her.  She climbed the seat, stood on the rail, and the dog followed.  The screaming didn't stop, even when I caught up to her, even when I picked her up and held her level with my shoulders, even when the owner of the dog grabbed said dog by his collar and pulled him away.

"I'm sorry!"  she said.  "Why is your daughter so upset?"

Gee, maybe because your dog is chasing her, and jumping on her, and your dog outweighs my daughter by about 20 pounds, and, anyway, why is your dog loose???

"This is an area we are allowed to let our dogs run," she explained over Riley's screams which hadn't abated.  She screamed, took a breath, and screamed again.  Her heart thumped crazily on mine, and she clung to me with all her strength, wrapping her arms around me and burying her face in my neck.  I tried to get in front of her, to get eye contact, to help her calm down, but she was not listening to me.  No matter what I did, I couldn't get her to stop - and then I heard it.  Clearly, over the sounds of my daughter:

"What's wrong with her?"

Which caused me to stop.  And think, for just a second, and I later wondered why I did it, why I felt that I owed her an explanation, why I immediately was on the defensive, why this anonymous opinion even mattered to me - and I told her.

"She's on the Spectrum."

To me, it was the quickest, easiest explanation. But it brought to mind something I've been pondering ever since I attended the Special Needs panel at Blogher '08.  As a parent of a child, any child, much less one on the Spectrum - how much information do you owe the public?  If your kid is freaking out in the store, inconsolable in the parking lot, pulling at her eyebrows and eyelashes and screaming non stop - do you owe John Q Public an explanation?  Even if your child isn't on the Spectrum, isn't visibly handicapped, isn't in a wheelchair or using a prosthetic - but a normal kid who might be hungry or angry or tired - do you owe it to the public to explain yourself?

My husband felt that I shouldn't have said anything - the fault was with the loose dog, and what happens in our house is our own business.  My thoughts are far different.  I tell because I want to rip the shutters off, to let others know that there ARE kids with different characteristics and traits and they are the same as you and me, but may require a bit of extra work or attention.  To let other families know that if they have something that's not normal, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's a conundrum, to be sure.  One I don't think I'll EVER solve.

Comments

[Karen Sugarpants]

Oh Carmen...this reminds me so much of my girlfriend's son Ryan. His needs are different to your daughter, but it's the same ignorant ways of the public that breaks his mother's heart.
(I blogged it here: http://karensugarpants.com/2007/08/27/judgy-judgmental-pants/)

I hope the woman's question didn't hurt Riley's feelings, though I know it hurt yours. That sucks.

[Annika]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I can't believe her. You did NOT have to tell her anything, but at the same time I kind of hope that maybe the fact that you answered will make her think next time.

I have a post brewing about the idiotic flight attendant who asked me what was wrong with Sam on our flight home this weekend. Um, he is two and he is crying. END OF STORY. What the hell was she thinking? What if that HADN'T been the end of the story?

[kalisah]

You know, I have FAR more respect for other people & their kids since I've been reading you. I used to be so judgmental. If a kid was having a meltdown in the grocery store b/c his mom wouldn't buy him cookies, I'd be all, "Geez, control your child." Not out loud, of course - I'd never actually SAY anything. But I was definitely intolerant.

Look, I was lucky. I had one child and he's always been a perfect child. We never really even had a tantrum phase. But I understand now. I get that there are issues that maybe aren't apparent on the surface. And I try to be understanding about that.

No, you don't OWE the public anything. But I think that you should be commended for the fact that you've done so much to enlighten us.

[Sasha]

I tell about my kid's disorders and about my husband's disability because I like to think for the majority of people it would broaden their minds, most people don't know what's out there and when they are educated it makes them more aware.

I know having learned about all this about my own family as I go along it's easier when there is an answer to why something is happening.

You don't owe anyone anything but if you could open someone else's mind and make them look beyond appearances, wouldn't that be great?

That's the way I see it. :-)

[Tina]

The woman's question was rude. However, I believe that the biggest problem we have as parents, the one that causes us the most heartache, is that we DON'T talk to each other enough about just how hard this job of parenting is and we assume that because other families look like they have their acts together and we don't, that there's something wrong with us or with our kids - when we're all going through the same damn things. So I applaud you answering her as you did and wish more parents would be real with each other.

[Kia]

Hey there,

I hesitate to post a comment right after I've read this for the first time, because I'd like to put some real thought into my response. I'll try to map it out here and if I need to edit, I'll do that later.

First off, we've had similar occurences with dogs. I think you read about our first negative experience with a dog. It involved our neighbor's dog coming into our yard and, similar to Riley's reaction, Little Man screamed repeatedly, looked at me with the fear of death in his eyes, then proceeded to puke his lunch all over my kitchen when we got inside, because he just couldn't. calm. himself. down. This is, apparently, an inevitable conclusion in our household. It happens a lot.

As for explaining or not explaining our children's "differences" to John Q. Public, I don't think we have a responsibility at all. People will react the way they react, whether we explain our children to them or we don't. Where I think we DO have a responsibility is in how WE react to other people's children.

This bit about having a child who's "different" has been a real eye-opener for me. I'll admit it: I used to be pretty judgmental about people and their children. BEFORE I had my son. After going through the past four years with a boy who broke all the parenting rules and refused to be slotted into a box called "normal," I've really learned that when I see a parent struggling/"neglecting"/lacking-to-parent their child, I need to remember that I don't KNOW all the details. All I can do is be glad that today it's not me and it's not my kid who's turning heads in the mall or the park or the parking lot.

There's so much more that I could say, but I'll do it in my own post one day. Just know that you don't owe anyone anything except Riley. You owe it to her to accept who she is (and you're clearly doing an AWESOME job of that!), and do your best to make the world a place where she feels at home. Everyone else can learn this life lesson in their own time, with their own children. And if they don't, then they're the ones who suffer for not having known a kid as awesome as your Riley and my Little Man.

Hugs and support and immense respect,

Kia - Good Enough Mama

[Kathleen]

Flashback to a company picnic...7 year old SI (as we playfully called it-- "Sports Illustrated") son stepped on a bee. Imagine the inconsolable screams-- because he never saw the bee, just felt the PAIN.

My heart goes out to you, some adults can be such pains. I don't know what's worse, seeing your child in pain/fear or wanting to cuss out strangers (or your husband's co-workers) for insensitive remarks and being "too nice" to do it.

[Petra]

Hi Carmen,

I'm with you, let them know. I am lucky not to have children with any (discernable) disabilities, but I have fibromyalgia myself, which is not visible, but limits me from doing a lot of things. It took a while for me to get the courage up to tell people why and before that I just felt the judgments and sometimes I even pushed myself to do it anyway just to prevent those. Good for you for standing up for your daughter. Nothing is "wrong" with her, it's wrong to have your dog scare a child! But people need to start realizing there are many forms of "normal"!

[Kati]

I think you should look at the situation outside of your daughter's issues. In other words, the woman wasn't exactly a responsible dog owner.

/begin rant/

We all have topics that really irritate us, and one that truly chaps my cheeks is lackadaisical dog owners. First, you don't need to have to be on "the spectrum" to have an all-encompassing fear of dogs, or a distaste for letting them up in your lap or near your in-view lunch. Letting a dog off the leash in an area not specifically marked as a dog run is a signal to me to let folks in the vicinity know what's happening. A simple shout-out - "Hey, I'm going to let my dog off the leash, just so you know." - would've solved the problem before it started. Good manners and simple courtesy never steer you wrong.

Next, when the dog jumps up on people...there is absolutely no reason that this should happen. The most pleasant of dogs can still hurt someone, especially a small someone, during play (nail scratches, nips, etc.). And if the dog suddenly feels the need to show dominance, well, things can get ugly really fast.

In short, having a dog in a populated area, especially off the leash, is a responsiblity, and should be treated as such. Well-trainied and -managed dogs are a treat to be around for everyone, owner and public both. If my dog misbehaved, I'd be beside myself with worry for the person involved in the incident and full of apologies, not placing the blame with the person who was very justifiably freaking out from being attacked by a dog. (Yes, attacked - what dog-fearing person is going to be able to tell the difference in those first few terrifying moments?)

/end rant/

Sorry about that - it's just one of those things that gets under my skin. So my whole point is that the woman should not own a dog if she cannot control it, irregardless of your daughter's special concerns. At the very least, you should have gotten a profuse apology for the dog's poor behavior.

[Kati]

OK, I've done some deep breathing exercises, so maybe I can answer your actual question...

Did that lady need an explanation? No, absolutely not, since your daughter's reaction wasn't the problem. Should you hide your daughter's condition, or keep it "in house?" No again. I think you have the right of it - there's nothing to hide, and the more you talk about it, the more you'll help folks see that kids on The Spectrum are no more inexplicable than kids with diabetes, with eyeglasses, or with any other disability large or small.

You are so brave and right to share your daughter's specialness with others. The more we talk about it, the larger our worldview will be.

Please note that I am not minimizing your daughter's special concerns - of course there is more involved in meeting her needs than a simple visit to the optomitrist or an injection of insulin. I'm just trying to say that we (those of us on the "outside") cannot understand and accommodate Spectrum issues until we internalize that they exist and that there is nothing "wrong" with the children who have them. So be loud and proud - you're doing a world of good with your matter-of-fact attitude.

[Cathy]

I think coming up with a one sentence synopsis of the situation is reasonable. What if the sentence were, "She was bit by a dog when she was two."

I think that the dog owner would reasonably expect that some kids are going to be scared of the dog or not know how to react (in fear) without causing the dog to get more excited (and scary). I think also that she would reasonably expect that most kids, when picked up by their mother would start to feel better.

You don't really *owe* her an explanation, but it's helpful to give her one. It would have also been helpful for her to give you an apology.

[Denise]

Well then.. I'm with Kati! woosh!

[Kati]

Denise - when I delurk, I *really* delurk...

[Headless Mom]

I agree with you and probably would have said the same thing. Well, at least in that situation. If it had been a 'simple' grocery store issue (I realize they are never simple, but some things are more routine, right?) I may have just left it alone.

I do agree with Kalisah though-you've enlightened a bunch of us!

[chris]

Sorry your daughter had to go through such an ordeal. I am afraid of large dogs because I was attacked by a big dog when I was 10. Hope she is feeling better.

[Anna]

Tough question. My daughter has arthritis. We have a wheelchair sticker. She walks in the store, she doesn't walk out. I don't feel I owe an explanation for that situation- stickers are given with a purpose, and if my doctor signed the note, there's no reason why you should question my presence there.
I do, however, end up explaining to the utility clerk (read: bagger/sacker) why we have to be a pain and insist on putting the groceries back in the same cart.
Beyond that, YES! A thousand times yes- we should be ready and willing to share the story with others simply because awareness is minimal and judgmental attitudes are in abundance.
There's no easy answer, of course. :) The other part of me really wants to NOT share her story because I want her to be as normal as possible. So many of my e-mails recently have been like this: Rachel is learning how to subract, Danielle was diagnosed with JRA, Carol is talking up a storm. UGH. Why can't she be more than an acronym?
Very good question. I wasn't there, but I have to wonder if the woman was feeling a bit off-kilter because she didn't anticipate that a simple choice could have such major implication. Hugs to you and Riley.

[Anna]

ugh, I saw it as I posted... it's SUBTRACT.

[madge]

Uh, yeah. I'm with Kati. Both times.

Having a kid on The Spectrum, I waffle about when to disclose. In this situation, I probably would have done the same thing you did. But later I would have kicked myself for it. ANY kid could react that way and it was inexcusable for that woman to make what amounts to an accusation.

As always happens, I would have come up with the right thing to say on the drive home: "What's wrong with her? What's wrong with YOU!?! Get a hold of your dog and get away from my kid."

[Sandra]

people are ignorant and don't even realize it. i'm sorry the dog scared riley. hugs to her and you!
Sandra

[Allyson]

Hi Carmen, this post made my blood boil. My 11 year old Hallee is profoundly autistic and is terrified by dogs as well. We were at a public beach near my family's home here on the coast of Maine. It's a very small beach, mostly locals and it's very well known that there's no dogs allowed off leashes, but every summer you have the asshole who thinks the rules don't apply to them, or their dog is "GOOD" so they don't need the leash. My sister and I were up on a blanket talking and Hallee was about 10 yards away at the waters edge looking at rocks. We're sitting there talking, and all of a sudden we see this huge yellow lab flat out racing down the beach, right at my child. I'm up and running (tossed my 4 yr old off to the side, by the way) and before I can get to her, the dog does. He leaps up on her, knocks her down and races in circles around her. I saw red, Carmen. I wanted to kill the dog, forget the owner. I grabbed Hallee, who was hysterical and had huge claw marks down her chest. I ran with her back to the car to try to calm her down and see the damage while my sister went after the owner, a tourist who because she spends an ass load of money to rent a cottage there every summer felt like she didn't need to obey the leash law. Now I've seen my sister angry plenty of times, but this was unique. She's 6 feet tall in bare feet and she had this woman by the front of her shirt speaking very quietly right into her ear. Then she turned around, yanked the leash out of the woman's hand and put it on the dog. Long story shorter, Hallee was OK, but bruised and scraped, the mental damage lasted longer than the physical. While my sister had a death grip on the owner of the dog, she had been directing what she was going to need to do to keep me from suing her blind. That week in our tiny local paper a letter appeared in the editor's section FROM the woman apologizing to Hallee and her family because Daisy the lab "got away from her" and she hoped that other visitors would remember to keep their pets under control.
Carmen I'm so sorry this happened to your baby and I'm so glad you didn't wrap the leash around that bitch's neck.

[Patricia]

Ok, I have an opinion -- shocked, I know...but an opinion to share.

First, I have to say that as a girl who isn't 'on the spectrum' but grew up INTO COLLEGE with a horrible paralyzing fear of dogs -- yes, even little ones, even 'nice ones', and even ones who didn't lift their head to notice as I RAN by. I was embarrassingly afraid of dogs. This means that the incident you outline would have been met by the EXACT same reaction as the four year old me. And to answer the other question, I would not have calmed down until the dog was well out of sight.

I can't count the number of times my mother had to explain that "No, she's never been bitten by a dog. She's just really afraid. Now please go so she'll stop climbing me and calm down."

So, I'm going to say that the woman with the off-leash dog was horribly out of line and merely asked the "What's wrong with her?" question as a method to calm her own guilt. The situation would have been prevented had she been a responsible dog owner and she wasn't -- that has nothing to do with Riley, her disability or her fear of dogs.

Now to answer the question you really have which is do I have to explain that I'm not a bad mother and my child isn't horrible because she has this disability that makes it harder for her? The answer is no. I frankly believe that you were within your right to go at dog woman with both barrels explaining that a well trained dog would not give chase, would have returned to you when called and the escalation of the situation would not have occurred and until such time as she can control her dog under EVERY circumstance, she ought to keep the dog on a leash.

Now, I could go so far as to say that you may have lessened her need to be sorry for her transgression because she can chalk up the reaction to something other than being because she was not in control of her dog. Remember, Riley is not wrong because she's afraid of dogs -- that is her right. It is not the right of any dog owner (and I am one today) to terrorize the afraid by having unleashed animals.

And for the dog lovers out there, my dog has a ton of off leash time in my fenced backyard or dog parks. He has been to more obedience schools to be trained to sit when told even with distracted -- and with that I still don't allow him off a leash in public unless it is in a dog park. I was once that little girl and if I can save just one girl from having to have a screaming fit because I was careless, so be it.
/end rant

[AJMick]

Oh, I'm totally with Kati. I don't have kids, I don't even have a dog, but I grew up with a very nice little cocker spaniel mix. And while Buffy (yes, Buffy) was a very nice dog, we were always extra careful with her around kids and food, because let's face it, we simply didn't know what to expect from an animal in this situation and we wanted to be responsible owners. I mean Buffy had snapped food out of our hands at times when she was in the right (or wrong) mood. So, yeah, seeing a family with little ones who are obviously doing the fishing and picnic thing, I would've held off from letting the dog off the leash that day if for nothing else than to avoid a possible problem. Geesh.

[Jodi]

Ummmmmmm! A dog was chasing her!

Even kids without "issues" would freak out if a dog ran after them and jumped up on them. I would freak out as an adult.

We have three children who we adopted out of the foster care system. Two have Reactive Attachment Disorder amongst other "issues" (as I call them at our house). It ALWAYS irks me when people comment on something we are doing with our child.

At first I tried to explain, feeling almost guilty for what was happening as a child raged in the middle of a store. Now I just tell them they wouldn't understand. Because they won't no matter how much I say or how well I explain it. They just won't. Unless they have been there themselves.

[CharmingDriver]

First, I commend you for not telling her to eat a bag of dicks.

Second, the right or wrongness in this given situation of the dog being off the leash isn't the point. The point is that your child was frightened out of her mind and the dog owner was being rude as fuck. And needed to eat a bag of dicks.

Third, never feel like you owe anyone a damn thing on behalf of your children, Riley or anybody else. Because you most emphatically DO NOT.

While I agree that educating the public about spectrum disorders is a good thing, a public service of sorts I also feel that people who approach a child melting down with, ''So. What is her PROBLEM??'' aren't prone to listen to or believe any explanation given other than a self/child flaggelating one in the vein of, ''I suck as a parent/She is a horrible kid.''

Deep breath - I really, really wish for your husband to get and understand that this isn't something contained to being at home and will be an issue for her, always. Forget what the public thinks, to me it's far more damaging to have a parent refuse to accept what is now and will always be part of who she is. I'm sorry, damaging is likely too strong of a word but I hope you get what it is I'm saying; not beating up hubby, just wanting more for Riley.

ANYWAY. If you feel comfortable sharing and explaining, do so. If not, tell them to snack on a cock and be done with it.

[Stephanie C.]

Wow. First let me say how sorry I am for you, but esp. for poor Riley. She must've been terrified.
Secondly, thanks for this post. I used to be a very judgmental person on how parents and children interacted in public. And I didn't get why some parents seemed to be so nonchalant when their kids were screaming about what appeared to me to be nothing. Just reading you over the years has awakened me to the world and so many things I just.don't.know.
Oh, and the woman was rude to ask "what's wrong?"; I can't even imagine. That would set me off alone.
Thanks.