Have you ever seen a thick piece of metal, heated to an insane temperature and then pounded thin?
That's kind of how I feel at the very end of 2008. Pounded thin. When the metal is hot - and when I am hot about something, on fire with something, burning with desire to think and to do and to create - I'm bendable and malleable. When the metal cools, and when I cool - no longer interested in something or bothered or stressed, but merely existing - then I am brittle and easily shattered.
Sometimes I think too much.
At the tail end of this year, I find myself melancholy and worn out. Not physically worn out - I'm in, arguably, the best shape of my life and I adore the exercise that I've got going on. I have energy and have gotten into many, many good habits that I think (hope) will sustain me for the long term.
Like all of you, I have regrets about how some things were handled this year - both by myself and by others. There are situations that I don't think I handled well, and situations that I know I handled to the very utmost best of my being - but still failed. I've done things I regret, said things I wish I hadn't, and didn't speak up a time or two when I should.
But there are many things to be proud of. I'm proud of the fact that I kept everyone healthy and alive for another year. (That was almost none of my doing, and all to the good of God.) I'm proud of the fact that I have a healthy strong marriage to someone who completes my half. I'm very proud of the fact that I completed my book proposal and have actually mailed it out to more than one prospective agent. I'm proud of the fact that this year I became both a paid corporate blogger and a paid author. I'm proud of the great job I did at Blogher, helping to spread the work of a company that I really believe in. I'm proud of the fact that my kids are polite in public and four of them have won the Peacemaker award at school. They represent well, no matter how much they fight in private. I'm proud to hear that people like to be around them.