The Answer to The Great Moving Question

When I asked for questions, many of you asked me the same thing.  You wondered about my move, about  which I have been somewhat vague.  I've been vague on purpose, because the story isn't really my own, but rather it is my entire family's story and it's a matter of privacy and to some extent, pride.  I'm pretty open on this blog about things that directly relate solely to me - I could care less if you all know how much I weigh, what size pants I wear, my favorite sport or what'd I'd love to do on my alone time. I will gladly talk about depression, tell you when I spill coffee all over myself or kneel on my skirt in church and it falls down.  I'd be happy to tell you that I'd love to be on the Ellen show or the Bonnie Hunt show, and I tell you every time that my kids annoy me with their constant, and I do mean CONSTANT, fighting. I'll tell you the state of my bathrooms - dirty - and what meals I cook.

But the tale of WHY are we planning to move, and the particulars of the tale, affect other people, and there are always people here who love to post negative comments and screw with me, and since it affects my entire family, I've shied away from it. Plus, you know, it's kind of a personal thing, and since my entire extended family on both sides reads, my bosses read, my co workers and the teachers at my kids schools read - well, you can sort of see the quandry I'm in, n'est-ce pas?

The fact of the matter is, the economy sux right now in a way that it hasn't for a good long while.  My husband works in a completely economy driven field. As in, he is solely commission paid.  And his particular line of work isn't chock a block full of customers right now - although he's doing really well with the ones he does have, the numbers are down. We have a larger than normal mortgage, thanks to the fact that we added on a two story addition to our house and then added another room.  We did this when rates were low and times were good, and then, you know, we elected to send our kids to private school - which is really spendy here.  Elementary not so much, but high school - man.  Paying for martial arts for three people, soccer for four and having money to have a good time as a family - and, I KNOW that not everything is expensive and there are SO many activities to do that are free or cheap, but, God as my witness, I'm SO SICK of telling my kids, "I'm sorry - we can't afford that", and that's why we decided to sell our house. I know that there is no shame, and in fact it's a good lesson, to tell kids that money is finite and you have to make choices - but it's gotten to a point that I don't like.  The insane mortage we have - and if I told you the figure, you'd spit your coffee at the screen - is easily managed in good times, but it's a large drain in more lean times and it is our biggest expense.  Our real estate taxes and insurance doubled thanks to the addition and our rate went up - and that took an affordable mortgage to a just out of reach, although sustainable in good times, level. And then, you know, gas went up - but it's come down, although I think it'll be up soon again - and my kids have been to the ER a few times at $500 a pop (thank you SO much, ASTHMA - you suck!), I had two surgeries and have to have follow up cancer screening every two months at another $150 or so, plus glasses for 5 (mine are more than FIFTEEN years old!), monthly asthma medication for four, braces, two large van repairs over $800 each, two repairs on my sons car that were pricy, other expenses unmentionable, class rings and dresses for graduation and May crowning Daddy daughter dance, and all those things that you all pay and we all deal with - well, imagine if the income that you were accustomed to was almost halved some months, and you were trying to pick up the slack as much as possible your own self, but money is hard to come by, and time is even more rare, and certain people equate their income with their worth, and you can begin to see the quandry I'm in, yes?  I dream of bills and balancing and budgeting and yadda yadda yadda. I depress myself. I KNOW that we are blessed and luckier than many, many people - we are all healthy and together and still employed and able to pay things - it's just tight. I'm sick of watching my husband work an insane amount of hours and still worry and sweat it.  It is just not fair to him. The mortgage is the sticky point that's hurting us.  We are in the same position as many, many people in America. Have you seen unemployment and foreclosure rates lately?  My husband's job has laid off over 1/3 of it's staff.  ONE THIRD, people. At least we are both employed.

I'm probably the least sentimental person out there - to me, the house is a building.  It's a HOUSE, not a home - a home is all of us.  I know that we COULD cut out martial arts and soccer - but those things are important to us - all of us - and I have no desire to be house poor and avoiding everything that makes life fun and enjoyable just to pay a huge mortgage. Make no mistake about it - it's a huge amount.  I've sold my jeep, cut our grocery budget as much as possible, delayed medical stuff that I can put off, beg to to the point of humility for as many medicine samples as I can, cut out magazines and pedicures and coffee shops and new clothing purchases and use coupons whenever I can.  I HATE that my kids worry about going roller skating because it costs, and it hurts me, although I think its admirable when they have a knowledge of costs, to hear them say, "I won't do x, because I know you don't have the money." We toyed with taking everyone out of soccer this spring, but I just couldn't do it to my kids - they love to play.  We are exploring other schooling options, which will be TOMORROWS heavy post.

I've been really hesitant to post this - I'm certain to get slammed for it. If you've read this far, and you feel like you really have something ugly to say, do me a favor - remember that my oldest three kids read here.  And, maybe, consider it your good act for the day just to let me be for once in your life. 

Comments

[kalisah]

In this economy, I wouldn't think you would have to explain to anyone WHY you're selling your house. It's not like you're the only family in the country going through this.

[Elizabeth]

If anyone could slam a post like this, it reflects more on them than on you. You hit the nail on the head when you said it's about making choices, and choices change based on circumstances, values, and individual priorities - things that you know best for yourself. That's a great lesson for your kids and for all of us.

[Annika]

Ugh. I'm sorry you're in such a rough position. I hope you can find a good alternative school option - that must be a huge drain. But I'm with you on sports. You can't give them up! Morale would be in the toilet. Being (relatively) poor is bearable if morale remains high enough.

[Allisone]

I hardly ever comment, but my thoughts seem to be exactly the opposite of what you are fearing. Good for you. We all have to make the hard decisions. If I were in the same position (given what you've said here) I think I'd make the same call. A house is just a house. The "home" part will go with you.

[andrea]

I think you are very brave! Good job!

[mary]

seriously? anyone would slam you for this? do they not know about karma? SO many or us are in the same boat; we are in construction and havent had work in months. ANd yeah< I COULD drop cable tv, internet & netflix just like you COULD drop martial arts but sheesh, that $200 or so a month aint a kick in the bucket towards my mortgage, kwim?

Maybe its age too but I dont care about this big house anymore. I want a tiny mortgage payment and YES being able to say YES to my kids instead of no, sorry we cant afford it.

Watch were you move; make sure its a good school district and think about dropping the private school. Esp for special needs kids public schools excel. I have been thrilled with ours. just MY OPINION though chicka!

[Linds]

Completely understandable. I have a lot of friends doing exactly the same thing here too, Carmen, for the same reasons. Houses are made of bricks and mortar, or wood or whatever. Homes are made of, by and with the people you love.

[SassyMarie]

I usually just lurk, but I loved your post so much that I am crawling out of the woodwork.

I think it is great that your family is flexible enough to be able to make such big changes. I am with you on the coupon badwagon and all of the other cost cutting stuff - I think its great and plan to continue even when the economy rebounds.

[Patricia]

I can't imagine anyone thinking less of you because you are trying to be money wise. I just feel super sorry for you trying to sell a house in this market.

I'm commission based too and nothing is really moving right now and thus, I'm trying to change jobs -- like try getting one after being at home working for yourself for 3+ years in this economy??

So, alas, we've cut back everything we can cut, asked for help where we can, and sold much of what we can. And yet, I still have no idea how we will handle any major crisis.

Yes, I dream in bills too these days too.

[Kathy]

I can't imagine why anyone would want to leave an ugly comment to a heart-felt post like this! I completely understand your situation - my husband's company also had some big layoffs, which fortunately did not reach him. My company just announced a 10% pay cut yesterday. Ouch. But we still have jobs & God will provide! I admire you so much for sucking it up and making such a hard decision to provide some relief for your entire family in a sucky situation.

And on a different note - I have a new question! A while back I think you posted on a meme that Diana Gabaldon's Outlander books changed your life. I also LOVE the Outlander series, but I would like to know why you say the books changed your life.

[amanda]

I totally understand what you are saying. Everyone is facing tough choices right now. Just one small thing that my help- Zenni Optical www.zennioptical.com has very inexpensive, good quality glasses. My husband and I both purchased our glasses from them last year and they are actually better quality and more comfortable than our LensCrafters glasses. We got four pairs for what we would normally spend on one pair! You may have checked it out and decided that it wouldn't work for you, but I just wanted to mention it. They can do any prescription and have an endless selection of frames.

[Deb from NY]

Carmen,

I am one of those that asked about the move. In fact, I think I was the first one. A couple of hours later, something hit me, and I wondered if I shouldn't have asked. I realized at that time that maybe it was not for good reasons and that is why you were vague. I hope I did not offend you or put pressure on you to answer. I too have been laid off since August. While I have the same feelings as you that we are the lucky ones, because my husband has a job with health insurance, we really needed to cut back. I vowed the day of the layoff that my children are not going to feel the blunt of it. I understand about soccer etc. But I did need to talk to them about picking what is important. We needed to do this as a family. It is a struggle, and I too am sick of telling them no. So I understand. I hope you don't get any negative comments, because that would suck. I wish you and your family the best and hope for all of us that things get better sometime soon. I consider what is happening a lesson learned by all of us here in the USA.

Debbie

[Jess]

When I left my hubby I was rent poor and agreed that moving again within 6 months to a cheaper townhouse was the way to go. I would rather have less room, than have to cut out one of my sons activities, or mine for that matter. Now I am going to try to budget a gym payment in mine. I hope you dont get grief, and I am glad that there are parents out there that will do anything for their children to experience a "good life"

[Frances]

I know when i was young we were really tight with money and it was hard to come by but one thing my parents gave me was my sports because it was something they knew made me happy. Why not let the kids be kids? Why do they have to grow up so fast? I know i lived it and its not fun to know your family financial situation and worry all the time.

[Deb from NY]

Carmen,

I just finished with a comment, but I also want to thank you for this blog. You take the time to tell us about your life, and I appreciate that and enjoy reading. I was never interested in cooking. In fact, I hate it. I love to clean, but cooking is not my thing. After I was laid off I had to cut back on takeout and learn to cook more things wisely. This Christmas my mother asked me what I wanted from her. I wanted a crockpot. She laughed. I was serious. Thank you for my crockpot. After seeing your recipes and your love of the crockpot, I had to have one. By the way, I am using it and somewhat enjoy it.

Debbie

[Laura]

I wrote to you a couple of days ago and now you've got me again!!

My parents had a big house in a nice town with a big mortgage. These big things equal big old stress. They would worry about money. And I would worry about them worrying.

Relatively speaking we are lucky. Timing was such that they sold the big house and bought a little one. A little one that they used to despise; then the economy problems hit and they realised that although it still affected them, if we were in that big house they would be close on suicidal with worry. Please don't feel that a house has any bearing on you as a person. I can tell you that we are happier than ever in this little house and so grateful that that mortgage worry has eased.

I think you are very brave :) And hope that noone has the audacity to slam you for that!

[Beth]

Carmen, didn't you get the message? It's tres chic to be cheap! Making decisions based on budget is the new normal for EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD NOW! I have a friend who lives in Michigan. She said it's nice to see the rest of the country joining in on the recession -- Michigan has been battling it for years! I'm personally looking at this as a gift - my children won't have to hide behind expensive clothes and trips (not like they ever did :) Chin up and thanks for the personal peek into your life. I think you'll find it's not much different than anyone elses!

[elizabeth]

To leave a mean comment at ANY time in anyone's blog is just the lowest. Give me names, anytime it happens! ;-) (just watched a mob movie last night - one with Hugh Grant, can't remember the title - cute/funny - gave me ideas... :P)

I have been thinking much, also - of our home, and down sizing for most of the same reasons. It is just a building, and like you I haven't gotten attached to it - but to the people in my community, parish and school. All the best in your decisions!

I have a late question, I am slowly losing weight - totally changed my eating and the reasons for eating badly. I am 40(ish) and have lost about 60 (or more, haven't found a scale to stand on recently.) Need 50 more off -- BUT what does one do about flabby-ness? Not that you have ever struggled with this. :D Also, does it makes a difference the surface area one is doing sit ups (the test stuff from your other blog - Elff) we have HARD floors here and it pains me to do 10 sit ups (whereas it did not before, even really heavy.) Also - how is the BOOK coming along!? And will there be recipes and exercises included?

HUG!

[Anita]

I read here a lot, but rarely comment. I admire you greatly. I totally agree that a house is just a house, but your family is "home" where that may be. I also think that trying your darnedest not to prevent your children from participating in the activites they enjoy is very admirable. Even if it saved money...what would it mean for your children's happiness and in turn your own. May God Bless you.

[kyoot]

I'm sending on the hugs! the economy is why I'm laying ever so fashionably into my mashmellowesque look today

[jen]

hug... i read here, but rarely post. don't feel bad. a lot of people have it rough. you're doing what you feel is best for you and your family and that is what matters. when you get too down remember to count your blessings. (don't smack me- sometimes i hate when people say that- i just want to be upset about my situation sometimes- but i just want to share how hard it is for some others too...) my husband is an airline pilot. he lost his job of 12 years in april. no warning. he was flying his passengers and then they shut the airline down. nice, huh? he tried desperately to get a job here in the usa for 9 months with no luck. as of the beginning of this month, he is now living in china- yes china flying there. while i'm living here with my 3 children. half a world away while my family is miserable and torn apart. i have to decide if i want to uproot my 3 kids and go and live in china or live with out my husband and have my kids live without their daddy.... and as a side note we can't sell our house either.
so- i know how hard it is............ it's tough times we live in all around...

[Liz in Seattle]

1/3 of the company? Same here, only we were in the wrong 1/3 (sigh). We're just starting down that road. Yeah, tain't no more Starbucks around here. But we'll keep martial arts as long as we can.

Keep juggling, girl. Anything I say would sound smarmy, so I won't, except that you've showed a lot of strength so far. One day at a time.

[Melanie]

Anyone who slams you for this post should be slammed themselves. You need to do what is best for your family -- and if a smaller house and soccer is best, then by all means DO IT! I admire your honesty and your effort and all that you share via your blog!

I understand the commission thing -- DH's income is down $50K from 2 years ago. I so regret that pool we put in 3 years ago bc it made our small house go from affordable to unaffordable, but upside down in equity. I'd sell in a heartbeat if I could! (Oh, and Zenni Optical for glasses. Got my 8yo 2 pair, DH 1 pair, me 1 pair for less than $100 and we all look good.)

[mhb]

I completely agree with your decision. We too have down sized and put our kids in public school. We couldn't see burying ourselves in debt for a big house and private school. We opted for being able to take our kids on a vacation every year instead, which doesn't even come close to costing as much as one year of private school. My 7 year old finally gets it that if she wants to do X, it means Mommy has to work X amount of hours. And she has actually opted out of X several times so I don't have to work extra.

[Heather]

Carmen, this is nothing to be ashamed about and if anyone slams you for it, they should be ashamed. You are doing what is best for your family and that's what matters. Hugs girl. Here's hoping the house sells and life gets easier soon.