The Answer to The Great Moving Question

When I asked for questions, many of you asked me the same thing.  You wondered about my move, about  which I have been somewhat vague.  I've been vague on purpose, because the story isn't really my own, but rather it is my entire family's story and it's a matter of privacy and to some extent, pride.  I'm pretty open on this blog about things that directly relate solely to me - I could care less if you all know how much I weigh, what size pants I wear, my favorite sport or what'd I'd love to do on my alone time. I will gladly talk about depression, tell you when I spill coffee all over myself or kneel on my skirt in church and it falls down.  I'd be happy to tell you that I'd love to be on the Ellen show or the Bonnie Hunt show, and I tell you every time that my kids annoy me with their constant, and I do mean CONSTANT, fighting. I'll tell you the state of my bathrooms - dirty - and what meals I cook.

But the tale of WHY are we planning to move, and the particulars of the tale, affect other people, and there are always people here who love to post negative comments and screw with me, and since it affects my entire family, I've shied away from it. Plus, you know, it's kind of a personal thing, and since my entire extended family on both sides reads, my bosses read, my co workers and the teachers at my kids schools read - well, you can sort of see the quandry I'm in, n'est-ce pas?

The fact of the matter is, the economy sux right now in a way that it hasn't for a good long while.  My husband works in a completely economy driven field. As in, he is solely commission paid.  And his particular line of work isn't chock a block full of customers right now - although he's doing really well with the ones he does have, the numbers are down. We have a larger than normal mortgage, thanks to the fact that we added on a two story addition to our house and then added another room.  We did this when rates were low and times were good, and then, you know, we elected to send our kids to private school - which is really spendy here.  Elementary not so much, but high school - man.  Paying for martial arts for three people, soccer for four and having money to have a good time as a family - and, I KNOW that not everything is expensive and there are SO many activities to do that are free or cheap, but, God as my witness, I'm SO SICK of telling my kids, "I'm sorry - we can't afford that", and that's why we decided to sell our house. I know that there is no shame, and in fact it's a good lesson, to tell kids that money is finite and you have to make choices - but it's gotten to a point that I don't like.  The insane mortage we have - and if I told you the figure, you'd spit your coffee at the screen - is easily managed in good times, but it's a large drain in more lean times and it is our biggest expense.  Our real estate taxes and insurance doubled thanks to the addition and our rate went up - and that took an affordable mortgage to a just out of reach, although sustainable in good times, level. And then, you know, gas went up - but it's come down, although I think it'll be up soon again - and my kids have been to the ER a few times at $500 a pop (thank you SO much, ASTHMA - you suck!), I had two surgeries and have to have follow up cancer screening every two months at another $150 or so, plus glasses for 5 (mine are more than FIFTEEN years old!), monthly asthma medication for four, braces, two large van repairs over $800 each, two repairs on my sons car that were pricy, other expenses unmentionable, class rings and dresses for graduation and May crowning Daddy daughter dance, and all those things that you all pay and we all deal with - well, imagine if the income that you were accustomed to was almost halved some months, and you were trying to pick up the slack as much as possible your own self, but money is hard to come by, and time is even more rare, and certain people equate their income with their worth, and you can begin to see the quandry I'm in, yes?  I dream of bills and balancing and budgeting and yadda yadda yadda. I depress myself. I KNOW that we are blessed and luckier than many, many people - we are all healthy and together and still employed and able to pay things - it's just tight. I'm sick of watching my husband work an insane amount of hours and still worry and sweat it.  It is just not fair to him. The mortgage is the sticky point that's hurting us.  We are in the same position as many, many people in America. Have you seen unemployment and foreclosure rates lately?  My husband's job has laid off over 1/3 of it's staff.  ONE THIRD, people. At least we are both employed.

I'm probably the least sentimental person out there - to me, the house is a building.  It's a HOUSE, not a home - a home is all of us.  I know that we COULD cut out martial arts and soccer - but those things are important to us - all of us - and I have no desire to be house poor and avoiding everything that makes life fun and enjoyable just to pay a huge mortgage. Make no mistake about it - it's a huge amount.  I've sold my jeep, cut our grocery budget as much as possible, delayed medical stuff that I can put off, beg to to the point of humility for as many medicine samples as I can, cut out magazines and pedicures and coffee shops and new clothing purchases and use coupons whenever I can.  I HATE that my kids worry about going roller skating because it costs, and it hurts me, although I think its admirable when they have a knowledge of costs, to hear them say, "I won't do x, because I know you don't have the money." We toyed with taking everyone out of soccer this spring, but I just couldn't do it to my kids - they love to play.  We are exploring other schooling options, which will be TOMORROWS heavy post.

I've been really hesitant to post this - I'm certain to get slammed for it. If you've read this far, and you feel like you really have something ugly to say, do me a favor - remember that my oldest three kids read here.  And, maybe, consider it your good act for the day just to let me be for once in your life. 

Comments

[girlsmama]

We made a similar decision. WE decided to keep on going in our 1600 sqft of space with our family of 6 instead of upgrading and being mortgage poor. Way to be savvy.

[Sarah]

::Hugs::
I think,,, you are doing a wonderful job of juggling the needs of your family with your goals for them. If only I could do so well.
Keep up the good work girl!

[margalit]

No slams from this corner. I totally understand. I pay over 80% of our income for housing. Not even good housing, just a teeny townhouse with a LOT of problems. It's literally killing me every month to write that check and if we could get out we would get out. But we can't. Both of my kids are in sp. ed. programs that aren't offered in other towns so we're stuck here for another full year. And it sickens me to know that we have to keep living like this for that long.

This isn't anything to be embarrassed about. It's the economy, and you're not at fault. If you can find a cheaper, more manageable place to live, go for it! Housing is just that, a roof over your head. It doesn't define who you are or what your worth is. If this move makes your lives easier, than who the hell cares what other people think? You're doing the right thing for YOUR family. Good for you!

[Azul]

Y'know, you're doing a good thing by modeling for your children the need to make choices, and not be so attached to the material things that it just kills you to give them up.

In a perfect world, you'd never have to make a choice like this, but kudos to you for the way you're handling it.

If anyone slams you for this post, it would say much more about them than it would you. They'd just look foolish.

[B. Dots]

I think you are making the best decision given the circumstances for your family and you shouldn't ever feel like you have to apologize for that.

I am curious (as someone who lives in the same city as you) where will you go to reduce your costs? Further out of town, rent, smaller house, all of the above? I'm honestly not trying to be nosy, I am really just curious as to how you will be able to cut housing costs.

I find the cost of housing relative to salaries here so appalling that we are actively seeking employment in another state. Though my husband has a very good and very stable job here, it just isn't enough to get ahead on. We aren't from here though, so it is no hardship to leave.

[Cookie]

Ah, hon, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you're doing the right thing for you and your family and I know if anyone can make it work, it's going to be you.

No slammage here at all, but lots and lots of hugs. Hang in there.

[Brandy]

I don't understand why someone would slam you. And I totally understand your down-sizing your mortgage. I wish you nothing but the best!

[Mariah]

Just wanted to contribute my commentthough I have nothing else to add...it's all been said in the above comments. My hat is off to you. Has been ever since I started reading here. You are an amazing person and I'd love to know you in "real life." Keep on keepin' on. You are so right: "to me, the house is a building. It's a HOUSE, not a home - a home is all of us." All the best to you!!!!

[tina]

We are in the same boat. The big HOUSE just isn't worth it. We've been struggling for two years now and I've been working 14 hours a day from home (hubby is self employed and hit by economy). Everyone has suffered.. me, husband and the two kids. Who really cares about the stupid house. We are down sizing in a few months and I can't be happier. And if I told you my mortgage payment you would do more then spit out your coffee. We have finally (FINALLY) put the kids in martial arts after all these years of saying we can't afford it. NOW that we have prioritized our life I get much more joy watching the kids do that then play in a big house. Keep your chin up and as I know EXACTLY how you feel.. your still not alone! :)

[sandy]

I am a lurker too. I read your blog daily, and I feel for you at this time. I think many, many more of us will be in the same position as you before things start to improve. I have 1 married son, and they have a toddler. Both are working, but I worry for their financial future too. God bless you, and I hope all works out well for you.

[Angie - heartchild]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I think choosing your family and what makes them happy over 4 walls is a great way to go. Home is truly where your heart is and that's where your people are.

[kellyann]

I commend you on all of this. We too have had to downsize almost everything. I am blessed to have a home that is already paid for(its small but its ours). Remember people first, money second, things last. As long as your children are loved it will be ok, and we are all making them better people for sharing with them the financial burdens instead of hiding behind them.

I commend you and your family. And I will pray for you to if you dont mind(im catholic so one of my girls is serving mass every day)

kelly

[AmyW]

A lot of people are in your position and a lot more will probably join you before this recession is over. You're right a house is just wood and mortar. Hang in there. When all of this is over, we'll all be a little smarter and wiser for the experience.

[Kate's Mama]

I totally understand, my husband's business is also down 30% and they have had to lay out many of their employees.

I think the decision to sell your house is a smart one. Good luck!

[Kathy B in West Texas]

Carmen, do you guys have a Service Drug where you live? When I go there to get an RX filled, it's A LOT CHEAPER than Walgreens, Wal*Mart, places like that. I have a RX Card & my RX should have been like $20, and it turned out to be 3.00! Boy was I shocked! It was for an antibiotic.

I know Walgreens has special discounts as well, but I don't think they are all that great.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. My parents had to do the same thing with their house about 20 years ago. They moved from a large 4 BR house in one town, to a small 2 BR Apt in another town where my dad got a different job. Eventually things got better, and now they have their own home again. But it was a long road! And now they are retired as well.

Good luck to ya'll, and God bless you!

Kathy

[amie]

Ia sked about the move _ I think . I think I mentioned prev how much fun(gag) we had loading up twins, pets & dirty dishes everytime we had to show the house. Sorry to hit sensitive topic- though I completely understand bc everybody is feeling this economy- we know many successful contractors in our are feeling it & as well as people we usually consider safe like docs & lawyers saying they r having to postpone retirement. We have a physical therapy clinic so we get to talk to lots of people in lots of fields. The thing is God alwasy has a plan and if it allows you to spend more stress free time as a family thenit is a good one. I have moved 7 times in 17 yrs of marriage- the last 2 completely by myself except for movers for big stuff bc my hub was busy working 70 hours a week. If you need moving advice- I am your girl:)

[Annie]

This was obviously a difficult decision for you, and not one that you made lightly without looking at ALL of the other solutions and trying to make things work out for a while. I think your ability to prioritize and think what your family really values and wants is AMAZING. I hope your kids and your husband appreciate you!!

[Jenn Ethirveerasingam]

Carmen, You rock! I know it will all turn out ok for you and your family because you'll all be together.

Jenn

[madge]

Making hard choices like this sets the best possible example for your kids. You show them 1) Life isn't always easy. 2) Money doesn't grow on trees. And, most importantly, 3) You value your them as people enough to figure their quality of life into your overall decisions for the family.

So, YAY! Good for you.

[Victoria]

Carmen, I appreciate you so much. Yours is the only blog I check out every day. I can so relate to your post today; we are getting our house ready to put on the market b/c we are struggling w/our mortgage, and we are also hoping to move back to our homestate in the next year or so. Our daughter is in private pre-K; this is her 3rd year at this school & we love it. It pains me to think of taking her out of there, so I'm trying to cut costs & save money everywhere I can to keep her in her school. Hang in there & know that you are an inspiration to so many of us.

[susan]

I'm sending hugs your way, also. And I'm thinking you should be proud of yourself for knowing what is the best way to go. Really.
This economy really does stink - I'm retired on a pension and the raising prices doesn't help.
Keep your chin up - I know you are doing the best you possibly can.

[Pearl]

You know, since we all have to be in this boat anyway, it's really nice to be in it with such a great bunch of folks.
My family has been in this boat for as far back as I can remember- some years a bit better and some a bit worse. And yes, it is all about choices. What may be easy for one family to give up or do without may be an essential for another family. No one has the right to determine those things for you, even though they may think they do. We chose to homeschool for 16 years, living on one fluctuating income, and believe me, it was really tight at times, but for us, the sacrifices were worth it. You have to do what is best for your family whether anyone else agrees or even understands.
I admire your willingness to be open and share as much of your life as you do, even at the risk of backlash. It seems to me that those who don't like what you have to say should have the good sense to just leave quietly and go do something else.

[Annonymous]

I just wanted to share: the first few years of our marriage we lived very simply. In this time span we moved to Iowa with our then 7 mo. old. (The day we moved it was -10). My husband was starting a business, so needless to say we had no extra $$ at all. I stayed home with our son. I remember eating only dinners made a million different ways with ground beef and chicken. I never bought anything for myself, and the only dates we ever went on were walks/hikes. As I look back on those days, I remember fretting about alot of things, but God took care of us. We always had food in the house and gas to get my husband to work. Through faith, we had learned to be content.
Hang in there, and praying that God will work it all out!

[Glenda]

I am like others - I read here but rarely comment. I feel for ya. We are in a similar boat with our income tied directly to the economy. Good for you for making the choice to put your kids first - many don't. God Bless and I'll pray for a quick sale!

[Amy]

Carmen - I totally understand. I have a home in TN that I cannot sell do to the bad market and I am renting a place in MO thanks to the military for moving us and then immediately deploying my husband. Luckily, my TN is rented for the next few months, but I'm getting the most mileage out of every penny now and saving for the day the renters move out. Hope everything works out well for you. :)