I had a very interesting conversation with my husband the other day. Apparently, he's been telling people to read my blog, saying that it's all about being a mother and raising kids.
Except, you know, it's not. Because that's not all I am. But he, uh, doesn't see it that way. Which reminded me of something that happened last week.
I went to the fights. I cannot TELL you how many people were surprised by that. One older person - not a relative, so rest your protestations - even told me that, as a mother, I had no business being at that type of entertainment, never mind have a drink or three like I did. This person told me that I should stay at home and be happy to be a mom. I shouldn't take muay thai or capoeira, NEVER should go out, only go to the pool or beach along with my kids - in short, my family should be enough for my fulfillment all the time. Every minute of every day.
I used to do that. I lived for my kids, spent every minute with my kids, and did nothing for myself - not even a trip to the grocery store alone or the book store. I showered with an audience, peed with people on my lap or peeking under the door - slept with multiple little bodies crammed around me in the bed. I never ever ever got a break. And I went through a terrible depression and ended up on large amounts of anti depressants, gained a ton of weight and thought very often about driving on the other side of the road into oncoming traffic. I was very, extremely unhappy for a good long while, but with the help of medication, large amounts of exercise, some really good "discussions" with quality people, and other interventions, I came through with one very valuable piece of knowledge that ultimately helped me more than anything.
I am not just a Mom. I know, shocking to those of you women out there who were SMART and did it the right way - didn't have to go through the different levels of introspection that I did. Now I take time every single day to do something for me. NO one comes in my bathroom, no one sleeps in by bed, no one sits on my lap when I'm eating dinner. And I take martial arts classes, go shopping my myself, go to the movies or get my hair done, or just sit in my room with the door shut and let the pieces fall where they may. And, Gasp! Shock of all shocks - I do drink and I do go out to the fights and I enjoy myself.
Life is short. I plan to enjoy it now. Being a mom is a great and wonderful and awesomely scary and completely overwhelming thing, and I'm fully up to the challenge. I have fun with my kids and take them all kinds of places and do all kinds of things with them. Some of those things I even blog about here. I blog about other things too - things that have to do with ME and not with MOM.
I can't do it at the expense of me, who I am and who I was and who I will be. "Each life affects the other, and the other affects the next" - 5 people you meet in heaven - and it's true. If I do things that fulfill me, that make me happy - I affect the lives of my kids, and they affect the lives of their (way in the future) children.
Does that make sense? I don't think that many people read here because they want to hear my perspective on being a mom. Here it is - it's tough, I never know what I'm doing, it's fulfilling, and sometimes, when you go shopping for Father's Day gifts, SOMEONE takes their panties off as you are crossing a busy street. I think people read here to see that they aren't alone in the insanity - that they might desire to be good parents at the same time that they still feel like looking around for the REAL parents to show up.
At least, I know I am.
amen
I'm glad I'm learning this now, and that other women have the courage to speak out about finding the balance.
Because selflessness is useless if you have nothing valuable to give.
Posted by: Emily C | June 21, 2009 at 03:02 PM
Well written...well said. Thank you.
My own mother was HORRIFIED to find out that I'd enrolled my child in nursery school at the tender age of 2.5yrs.old because I needed some time off. I can't always afford a babysitter and I don't have family members beating down my door to take my kids for a bit. Soooo, an inexpensive nursery school got to take him for a whole 4 hours a week. She wrote me a letter. In summary..."You're a bad mother for wanting to push your children away at such an early age and I was such an amazing mother that I wanted to spend every single minute of every single day with my children and it's entirely shameful that you don't feel the same way and what on earth is wrong with you."
Thanks for your support, Mom.
Grrr.
Posted by: Chris in NY | June 21, 2009 at 03:06 PM
Your so right. I wish I had this place to go when I was raising my kids. When I was divorced years ago I always felt like I was always yelling at my kids. One day when I was on the phone with a happily married friend of mine & she started yelling at her kids and suddenly I realized that it was normal, not just a divorced mothers thing.
So what you share is important and helps others along their path. Also, when you take care of yourself, your happy self is what your children see.
Posted by: Debby Pucci | June 21, 2009 at 04:07 PM
Over the last few years, I have slowly learned that I HAVE to take care of me to be able to stay sane and strong and able to take care of my kids.
Took me long enough ^^
I still sleep with kids, but at least I am not peeing with kids, and I make sure to take time off for myself. And try to find out who I am. Beyond a single mom of seven. Beyond the mom of ... Beyond that woman who drives that big van.
Great article, I totally agree.
Karen
Posted by: Karen (from Our Deer Baby) | June 21, 2009 at 04:08 PM
Good grief. Does anyone say to your husband that he should be satisfied with his job, and not want to spend time with his family because that is selfish? I mean, honestly. You have to be really, really sexist to offend me, and I am SO offended.
Posted by: Annika | June 21, 2009 at 04:22 PM
(Just to clarify, it was the comment Carmen got about being satisfied just being a mother that offended me. Not anything Carmen wrote.)
Posted by: Annika | June 21, 2009 at 04:34 PM
I agree Annika! Why should we as women "be satisfied" with a single thing in our lives? (motherhood) When we've been told that we can have it all? I realize that that is a bunch of crap because we can't have it all at once, but there's nothing saying we can't have a little of a lot of things-yes, some even just for US. Carmen, you do a great job of taking care of you and your husband and your family. Imagine...whenever I get down on some crappy thing that I've done I say to myself, "If Carmen can do this with twice as many kids as me, then I can certainly do _____." You inspire me every day-not in your perfection, but despite your imperfection.
Posted by: Headless Mom | June 21, 2009 at 04:43 PM
Hey, I only have one kid and I totally admire what my good friend Carmen does. She is so attentive and loving and caring to all of her kids. They are good kids and lucky to have a mom like her. I have alot of sacrifies myself being a military wife and all. I need time to MAKE sure I know myself especially when the hubby isn't home. We definietly need to have our own interests and stay true to ourselves.
Posted by: Frances | June 21, 2009 at 08:14 PM
Glad to know I'm not alone! I always thought I wasn't a good mom unless I was always with my kids, and did EVERYTHING for them.. No me time, I'm now starting to get that is making life harder for me. I need that ME time... So I am working on getting some of that. Great post.
Posted by: Monica Bertone | June 21, 2009 at 08:16 PM
AMEN SISTER! I am so much more than a mom, and that part of myself has been on hiatus for eight years. She's coming back with a roar and I can't WAIT to meet her again. :)
Posted by: jen | June 21, 2009 at 11:59 PM
I LOVE being a mother, but know I am currently failing at it because it is NOT what defines me - alone. I do need something more, first and foremost - to realize who I am in God's eyes. Not my husband, kids or neighbors...and then I need more then washing, cooking and cleaning up. ::sigh:: Working on it...
Love you, Carmen!
SHAME on you - people, who judge her or any one!
Posted by: elizabeth | June 22, 2009 at 04:55 AM
It's a tough lesson but you have to find yourself, respect and love yourself before you can be anything to anyone else. Good for you! Very well written and expressed.
Posted by: Bama Cheryl | June 22, 2009 at 06:43 AM
Something has changed in our society in that parents can not be adults anymore. It's sad. Everything is so kid centric, and there is so much pressure to be the kind of mom who makes everything happen for their children. I envy my parents who were able to enjoy cocktails with their friends on Friday nights and smoke and drink while we ran around the neighborhood playing flash light tag. They certainly weren't too concerned about setting bad examples for us, and we knew that adults got to do adult stuff. Now it's everything for the children. So admitting in public that you actually enjoy being an adult (sans enfants) is akin to admitting that you are selfish and aren't putting your children above your needs.
I could never sleep in a bed with any of my children, although I enjoyed breastfeeding. I failed at being an AP parent big time. Once I got the babies out of my bed, they miracously started sleeping through the night. Hello sunshine! I've learned over the years to ignore the sanctimommies out there. There is something so sad about a women who lives through her children and has no outside interests or talents. Children eventually grow up.
Posted by: Jennifer | June 22, 2009 at 01:28 PM
There are a few days I've felt like the babysitter here in teh day waiting for the parent to comehome! that's so true! I also do more for "me" then I used to ever do but my kids are growing up too. :)
Posted by: kyoot | June 22, 2009 at 02:34 PM
I envy my parents who were able to enjoy cocktails with their friends on Friday nights and smoke and drink while we ran around the neighborhood playing flash light tag. They certainly weren't too concerned about setting bad examples for us, and we knew that adults got to do adult stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love this! Yes adults do adult things with other adults. We must always remember to nurture ourselves and our adult relationships (including the one with our spouse!) or else we end up or can end up losing it all.
Carmen you rock! I love that you have created a space that is honest and human and safe for all of us to share.
Amy
Posted by: amy | June 22, 2009 at 02:40 PM
So long as it wasn't you that was removing your panties while crossing the street, than I say you're doing just fine! ;)
I suspect that we like all the sides of your life, the crazy, the mundane, and everything in between!
Posted by: Crisanne | June 22, 2009 at 03:42 PM
I read this great book a few years back: http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Family-Always-Kathryn-Sansone/dp/0696228327/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245699614&sr=1-1
woman first, family always by K Sansone
It totally helped me deal with the me time guilt. this chick GETS it. I WAS the 100% mom and I looked like crap, felt like crap and wasnt happy.
I changed my diet, started working out, started delegating and letting stuff slide if possible. Now I look great and better yet I feel great and guess what? IM A BETTER MOM!
I would love go to the fights and have cocktails btw, sounds way fun. Life is SHORT
Posted by: mary | June 22, 2009 at 03:45 PM
Up until two years ago, I used to refer to myself as "just a Mom". Now, it seems some switch has flipped and I understand that in order to be a good Mom, I need to be a well rounded Mom. Now, when I go to Yoga and place the kids in Childwatch, I don't feel guilty. Thanks Carmen, for sharing this.
Posted by: Brandy | June 22, 2009 at 05:40 PM
Good for you! I think you have to take care of yourself in order to be the best wife and mother possible. I wish my mother had done more for herself when I was a child.
Posted by: Young Wife | June 22, 2009 at 05:49 PM
I remember seeing you at church a few years ago... your children were adorable, however at the time you looked tired, and overwhelmed. Now, you are a bounce in your step, a fit body, a stylish hair do, and a air of confidence.
Good for you!
I think it is important for kids, especially girls,to grow up with mothers who value themselves as individuals.
Posted by: Kate's Mama | June 22, 2009 at 08:05 PM
I remember reading that if you said "I raise horses" at a party you are interesting. If you say "I raise humans" you are not. Sad but true!
Posted by: BeeBelle | June 22, 2009 at 10:19 PM
I wish I had the courage to focus more on me, but the guilt, the bloody guilt! Haven't figured out how to shake it yet. I've put myself on a time line to guilt free living, though (at least as it pertains to mommy neglecting in favor of over parenting). By the time these kids are 18, I'm hoping it's gone:)!
Posted by: parenting BY dummies | June 22, 2009 at 11:02 PM
My random thoughts- I Love love love the book Five People you Meet in Heaven. I think being an adult person is very much like a puzzle- being a parent is one piece of the puzzle- right now it is a very big piece of mu puzzle but eh other pieces are important too. I want to do a good job of demonstrating that so my daughter & son don't think parenting equals martyring one's sense of self.
Posted by: amie | June 23, 2009 at 06:50 AM
Great post. I got a few pieces of flack (that I shrugged off) when I joined our local show choir this past fall. I needed SOMETHING for me. I NEEDED adult interaction. And, man, am I a better person (wife, mom, friend, etc) all around now.
Posted by: FireMom | June 23, 2009 at 09:55 AM
love the article! Thanks Carmen! I think your children are so much happier if you are yourself and happy rather than "a sacrificial mom" and unhappy. Being myself meant going back to work 2 days a week and reading uninterrupted for at least an hour a day. When they interupt me during "my time", I ask if they would like me to take them off of the computer/video games/playing with friends/etc. to do something that I would like. Their answer is always "no." So why should a mommy be any different? My needs and interests are just as important (if not more so) as theirs and I think that they can and should respect that.
Posted by: azmomof4 | June 23, 2009 at 11:35 AM