Make Up Your Mind Already, Muriel

One of the "things" about me, the quirks I have, is the ability to make up my mind in an instant.  A split second, if you will.  My husband is the exact opposite.  I get SO annoyed when we go together to buy cards.  He reads CARD after CARD after CARD, and I just want to GO already.  I look at two, pick one, and I'm gone. It's not that I don't care - because I do, very deeply.  I just get very annoyed with the process that it takes to make up your mind. I'm decisive - I know what I want and when I want it.  It is usually a pretty good thing - until it's not.  Occasionally, I've made up my mind too fast and suffered the consequences of my speedy thinking.  Most often, though, I find that my first choice is usually the best one and I rarely second guess myself.

This decision is different.  I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice with regards to the kids and their schools for next year that I almost feel paralyzed with indecision. I've consulted various people, talked my mouth off, looked online and basically, done most of the research that any one person could hope to do. I'm afraid, though, that no matter what I choose, it will be the wrong choice.  I'm afraid that I'm doing my kids a disservice.  I'm afraid that I'm failing them by not being able to provide the schooling choice that we've made since forever, but wondering not so secretly aloud if the choice I made so long ago is still the best one.  I feel extremely guilty that I even have to entertain the thought of taking them out of Catholic school and that I've been somehow unwise with my money, when it is the reality of a shitty economy. Sure, if I didn't have an enormous mortgage I might now be facing this decision, but I still might. As if I'm a failure, as if people will talk.  Well, sure, and hell's bells we ALL know people will talk. People always have something to say - but it's not like I've been irresponsible with my money and blown it all on twinkies and gin and betting on ponies.  (Well,technically it was Ho-Ho's and vodka and playing the lottery - but let's keep that between us, shall we?  Thanx.)

So I'm taking my time.  Looking at every possible situation from every possible angle, creating elaborate pro and con lists for each and every choice.  I do not want to rush this decision - but I'm getting to the point where I'm beginning to go just a tiny bit mad with the continued internal debate. Every morning when I wake up, it's the first thing on my mind.  For that matter, it's what comes to mind when I wake up in the small hours of the night as well.  I've created elaborate pro/con charts and add to them - and erase from them - at least once every day.  No matter who I talk to, everyone has a definite answer.  They should go public, says one corner.  No, no, keep them private cries the other.

In my gut, I really want to keep them private.  But mostly I think that's for my own convenience.  We've been there 12 years, and with a few exceptions, I love every teacher in the school - since many of them read here, rest assured that it's not YOU - it's a different teacher.  Maybe the one you don't like as well. There's no denying that staying where we are has deep benefits to me - everyone knows about the food allergies, the migraines, the SPD, the lack of vocalization, the everything.  I can literally drop off and not look back.

I have to say that I've been very very impressed by the public schools.  I've been all over the elementary in particular and every question, every dilemma has been answered with patience and quiet respect for me and my frightening inability to make.a.decision.already, woman.  I've talked with neighbors who love the schools and learned some really, really good things that calmed my nerves.  PLUS - I realized that a reader here lives literally within a mile AND has a little girl the same age as my Emma - and I've picked her brain and the result was great indeed.  As hard as I try, I can find NOTHING wrong. Except for the amount of work that I'd need to do, the trouble with one child in particular changing schools, and the fact that two kids would, in essence, be repeating a year.  And, once again, it's all about me.

It's almost turned into me vs. my hubby, who is a clear and honest advocate for public.  To give him his due, when we did bills this month, we decided that the end result, the figure left over after we paid everything, would tell us if we could afford to re enroll.  When that figure was way, way, WAY different - he volunteered to get a job at night, stocking shelves.  After he worked a full  14 hour day.  No way in hell.  And we all know that I just about had a nervous breakdown last year, after working out of the home for three years. 

I've got to make a decision, both for my kids sake and for my own.  I have to know where they will be next year so that I can begin to get my mind straight, for if I don't, my mind is going to leave me.  Or my husband might.  And I think I'm almost settled, but still, my brain cries out, What if?

Comments

[amie]

You have answered your own question- they have to go public this year due to economy. It does not have to be permanent. The change will save your sanity and your credit. You will make it work bc you love your kids and you are a great Mom. If by some remote chance it is not working , you will create plan c bc you are smart and resourceful.

[Mert]

No decision is set in stone. Go public and if it awful reevaluate later. Cross that bridge when you come to it. You can always go back to private. If your children are behind you will help them catch up. Really. Give it a try. And I speak as someone who has had one graduate from Catholic schooling and still has two in Catholic high school. My kids would thrive anywhere as long as I have the ability to advocate for them. I wish you peace.

[mm]

Thursday of this week will mark the one year anniversary of my major brain surgery. Just over a year ago I was like you, wrestling with major migraines and monumental decisions with my three kids and their education. Meeting with my kids' teachers and trying to not lose it at every visit as I was an emotional wreck for a billion reasons. I am sure that you will make what you feel are the right decisions, and a year from now this will be just another bump in the road. Figure this one out and then let your kids know how the fall will play out. I am sure they are wondering too.

[kalisah]

I don't know if this helps, but I find that when things work out very smoothly it is typically when I am doing God's will. When things are difficult and just don't seem to work out no matter which way I turn, it's because I'm trying to do it my way. Whichever way you go with your kids' school, if it's God's will, your decision can't be "wrong."

I know that sounds corny & simplistic but it's what works for me.

[Jenn Ethirveerasingam]

That paralyzing fear of making a decision that can profoundly affect your kids and I am so right there with you.

You aren't alone. Trust yourself.

[ggroszek]

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, PRIVATE SCHOOL, 6 KIDS, AT 12 YEARS, THATS A LOT OF TUITION, NEEDLESS TO SAY THEY ALL HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR 12 YEARS, BUT GEEZE, WON'T THE SCHOOL WORK WITH YOU ON THIS, LIKE A LOW OR NO INTEREST LOAN, PAYABLE WHEN THE ECONOMY GETS BETTER. HAVE YOU DISCUSSED THIS WITH THEM. I CAN'T SEE THEM LETTING YOU LEAVE, AFTER ALL THE GOOD YOU'VE DONE FOR THE PARISH OVER THE YEARS FINANCIALLY. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE IF THEY DO. THIS IS JUST A SUGGESTION, I FEEL FOR YOUR DILEMA, I REALLY DO. G

[Beth]

I'm Catholic with 6 kids also, and even though I would LOVE to give them a Catholic education -- with God and prayer in their daily life, I can't because we can't even remotely afford it. My girlfriend, who isn't Catholic, but a southern baptist, gave me excellent advice. She also couldn't afford a private, bible based school, even though all of her "friends" gave her hell for it. They thought she should eat cereal for every meal if that's what it took (and truth be told, many nights, this recently divorced mother DID eat cereal). But, after much prayer, she decided that public, city (not suburban) school would give her kids the chance to "flex their moral muscles" and quite frankly, it was her only affordable choice. And it was DEFINITELY the right choice. The kids won awesome, full ride college scholarships because of the opportunities they were given, and showed such leadership to their peers. I feel blessed to have known them. She told me to stop fretting about my kids' education. God would take care of his own, and he so surely does! A Catholic education is wonderful, but it does not substitue for a calm, loving family who gives lessons about living within their means. Sorry this sounds "preachy", because I so am not, but sometimes, you have to let God take the reins and sit back and enjoy the ride! Sleep tight tonight!

[madge]

I spent the last two years agonizing about this. I'm pretty certain that a small, private classroom is where my kid would be most successful, academically. However, she would need several additional therapies, to be coordinated and funded BY ME outside of her school experience.

The public school system is required by law to provide the "least restrictive" learning environment for my kid. (That phrasing makes me roll my eyes, like all they need to do is meet the minimum.) What it means in reality is the necessary therapies are covered by the district and integrated into her school day.

So, we've decided to give the Public School a chance. It seems like no matter where we send our kids, we have to stay right on top of their education. If that means providing extra challenges for a kid who's bored, at least we'll have the financial wiggle room to do that.

[Headless Mom]

I seem to agree with Kalisa, and think that madge also gave some wonderful advice.

Only 2 days until we can hash it out over INK!

[Jennifer]

Carmen, You have gotten great advice here! I have home schooled the last three years and my dd really wants to go back to public school (we are in the same city), and I really think she is going to be okay and she honestly will experience more then we can give her because of money. And like others said, if it doesn't work then pull them out. Good luck!

[girlsmama]

Oh there are days when I hate being the one responsible for the decisions that will effect my kids. I think that it will work out. The most important thing in my book is that you are at peace with the decision. Prayers to you.

[KatieButler]

Carmen, I've never had to make a decision like the one you are, but have two close friends who ended up pulling their kids from Catholic and putting them into public. In the end, both are happy with the choice they made, but I know how difficult it was for them at the time.

As a mom, I have had several moments where I wondered if I was making the right choice for my kids. Sending positive thoughts, prayers and that you find peace with your final decision.

[Kim]

Sounds like you will wrestle with this even after the decision is made, well into the school year. Yes, make a decision but don't think it has to be all black and white. Nothing stays the same for too long and other than death and taxes, another thing we can count on is change. What ever decisions you make, it will all work out fine. Trust yourself and the guidance you receive.

[Jill A.]

I'm sorry but it sounds like Catholic school isn't even an option due to finances. Perhaps it's time to accept this and start focusing on a plan to make public school work for you guys.

[Jennifer]

We transferred our two oldest children from Catholic to public school five years ago. It was a heart wrenching decision for me (my husband, not so much). But here's what I learned: sometimes your fears can get the best of you. Trust in God to show you the right way.
We had a daughter who was deemed "unteachable" by the Catholic school. In a profound moment of Christian charity, her teacher told me to take her to the public school and enroll her. I did just that. In fact, when I met with the public school kindergarten teacher, we sat in a room and I cried. She told me not to worry, that it would be all right. And you know what? This same child recently graduated from 5th grade, she has friends, she can read!, she is happy and well adjusted. She was teachable, she just needed more one on one instruction.

Sometimes God takes you places where you never imagined you would be, but He never abandons his children.

[kyoot]

what ever happens happen, you just have to roll with it?

[Brandi]

Have you ever read about the 10-10-10 way to make decisions:

http://www.christianpf.com/10-minutes-10-months-10-years-review/

And I heartily second everyone else--nothing is permanent. Try public and it doesn't work, you can switch back.

--Brandi

[Pearl]

Carmen,
I recently read a great blog post by a lady who was needing to make an important decision. You may find it as inspiring as I did. I was particulary impressed by two things. First, with her willingness to make the hard decision even though she didn't WANT to. And second by the fact that even when things didn't go exactly as she had hoped, she didn't let it keep her down.
Remember, most things are never as bad as we imagine that they might be.

http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/mom_to_the_screaming_mass/2009/07/for-your-viewing-pleasure.html

Hugs,
Pearl

[Dawn]

Carmen, although it is not the same as the dilemma you're faced with, I know how you feel about paralyzation. I had to make a horrible decision a year and a half ago- stay in a marriage to an abusive and mentally ill man, or take my three kids and leave- with no family support, no education and no work history.
I learned that God will step in and carry us when we think we can't go forward. And He will carry your family through this as well.

[Sylvia]

I drive my friends and family crazy with all of the "what if's" in life. I have issues. Only one of mine is school-age and I regretfully CANNOT send him to private school because I have to feed his brothers. And the damn cat. Can I say damn here? Anyhow, it horrifies me that I didn't think about this five years ago when I gave birth to him, but then again, I don't believe anybody knew how bad the economy was going to be. Your children have a lot of things other children never get, like parents who actually love them and a happy home and good food to eat. Don't beat yourself up...and really, Carmen. You've got to know that you've done a great job with your kids so stop worrying. They will be fine.

[Wendy]

Let me know if I can help you with anything else. I'll give you the email address of my son's first-grade teacher if you want. She is really nice. I was surprised to find out how close we live too! Now I keep expecting to run into you. :-)

[UKCraftySal]

SO sorry you have this dilemma...but you already worked out the answer: it's public school. You've done the research, you know it's not your dream solution, but you know it will be OK. You know already how to work with a school to get the best out of it for your kids' different needs: you've been doing it for years. And once upon a time, you had to do it at the Catholic school for the first time.

Your kids have two fine parents to help them; they will adjust. They will experience things they wouldn't have been able to in Catholic school. They WILL be OK.

And you'll start to be OK once you have actually made a definite decision; it's the worrying about making a decision that is so hard. I'll be thinking of you, and I know you'll let us all know how it pans out. But it WILL BE OK.

[mary]

Try Public, keep an eye on everything. You can always go back but I think you wont. Volunteer some so you are there and get to know people. Write down the amount of money you are saving and look at it every once in awhile. :)

my 2 oldest got full ride college scholarships through their public high school to boot. Just puttin it out there.

[Nancy Chrabot]

I was in this same situation 13 years ago. Our boys were in private school before we moved to our new city. We assumed we would enroll them in private school but we chose public because they could walk to their new schools. But there were things I MISSED about the Catholic School Day: going to First Friday Mass, missing a crucifix in the classroom, not seeing statues around in the school, etc. I can tell you, I was sad the first year or so and second guessed our decision to enroll them in public vs. private. But really, the main issue is that our job as a parent is to plant the seed of faith in our kids and God's job to cultivate that seed. If you live your faith at home and your children have a good example to follow, then you are doing what you're supposed to. This will also give your kids their "moral compass" as they make new friends.
You may have already made your decision already, but I will keep you in my prayers.