The Introspective Insight into My (Admittedly Mostly Insane) Ramblings

I realized something about myself while I was away this week.  I need time alone. 

Wow.  That's not so amazing and introspective, I'm sure. I mean, I've said that many times on this here blog, ranted about the feeling of being trapped and closed in, in need of a change and a break and just TIME OFF.  We all know that feeling.  We ALL have that feeling.  Even those of us who profess to be "So happy!" in their lives - and, believe me, I am happy in my life, do NOT misconstrue this post or shade it with your thoughts, feelings and desires.  I love and adore and, quite frankly, am surprised at how much I missed my family. Just the same, I needed to go away, was torn by the twin desires of responsibility to my family and the need of space for myself for my mental sanity and overwhelmed by the rush I feel as I depart.  It's frighteningly both addictive and powerful, that rush.

Just getting to go to Blogher was a big deal for me.  I go every year, and have already made big plans for next years conference, to be held in NYC.  (Whoot!  My favorite city!)  But it's not so much going FOR the conference as it is to go FOR me.  I'm not sure if that concept makes sense, but I'm going to try to explain it to you, and maybe clear the muddy waters a bit for me.  (I've been thinking a lot this week.)

The first year I went to Blogher, and the second, it was really all about the networking for me.  I brought a fistful of cards and spent lots of time trying to get my blog out!there! and find more!readers! and get myself noticed!known!important!  To BE an A list blogger.  Everyone I met received a card, and I took all the cards I could.  I went back to the room and read other blogs, commenting and trying to squeeze my screamingly square peg self into a very round hole. I checked my stats obsessively that entire first and second conference - were new people reading me?  Was I making a good impression?  Were they going to stay faithful and loyal readers?  Was this my ticket into the BIG TIMES?  I studied writing styles and tried to find the lines of form to copy, certain that if I just found that one thing, that little secret, I'd catapult my way straight to the top.

But I didn't, and it didn't. And you know what?  I'm GLAD it didn't. 

Last years conference was different for me.  I spent lots of time in the Zwaggle recycle room - a feature that I, as well as many other attendees sorely missed this year - and spoke to far fewer people. But the relationships I made last year were real.  Were solid.  Were quality.  I was embarrassed of my prior conference behavior - well, no.  That's too strong of a word.  Embarrassment implies that I did something WRONG, a BAD THING. I did nothing that was BAD. I can't hold it against myself.  I didn't know better, wasn't sure of myself or happy with the place I was in and clung to whatever I could reach. Tried to be someone, or something, that I wasn't - and we all know how well that works.

This year, I went to the opening speech, and when speed dating began - form a circle around the entire ballroom with half of the attendees and have the other half form a circle inside that one.  The two circles face each other and every 30 seconds, one circle moves over one spot - essentially meeting a metric butt ton of people in a small amount of time - I bailed. I can't explain why - I'm not anti crowds, anti meeting people, anti speed dating - I just - didn't want to work the room. 

I had a different goal this year.  I wanted to see the people I know, meet a few new ones, and not feel as if I was working so hard.  I went to a couple of sessions, wasn't really feeling it, and I left.  I met Roxane and we clicked, and we hung out together quite a bit.  In years past, I may have rushed by her in my QUEST to BE SOMEBODY - and I'm delighted that I didn't do that. Meeting her and forming a friendship was one of the great things about this entire week.  We had coffee in a quiet corner Saturday and it rocked. I met with old friends like MJ, talked about DIR and Zwaggle to more than a few people - but when I felt like it, I went back to the room - the uncleaned room, but, hey, at least I was alone, right? - and spent time with my new favorite person - me.  I missed a great deal of what happened at Blogher.  I went to the cocktail parties, mostly so I could get a drink and some dinner, and left after a little while.  I went to the Room 704 party and it became such a crush and so out of control I left after a very few minutes.  I went to the SocialLuxe party and left with a huge scrape across my arm from someone pushing for a bag - a bag I signed up for, but didn't get, but whatever.  The only thing I really wanted to get out of that bag was a camera for my mom, who has terrible luck with cameras and this happened to be the one she liked.  But just because I signed up for it didn't mean I was owed it, and so I left. The CheeseburgHER party - THE social event of the weekend?  Well, I talked for about fifteen minutes with Amy and SJ and Mrs. CPA.  I'd met Amy before at the Great Wolf Lodge event and she introduced me to the others. We had a great conversation - but I didn't want to work the room and so I left.  Coincidentally, I passed security coming to break up the party as I was leaving.

The only party that I can honestly say I thoroughly enjoyed was the Lush experience, put on by the amazing ladies of Blogalicious on Friday.  They just got me - massages and products and the ability to sample each and every item in the store, all while eating 2 bite desserts - well, that was difficult to pass up and oh so easy to enjoy.  There was no networking, no "my blog is better than yours", no "I'm an A list and you are a C list" - just women getting massages and enjoying the ability to sample the awesome product. I didn't pass out any cards and I don't think I told one person my blog name.

But after that party, I went back to the hotel, peeked in on two others, took a cup of coffee and went back to my room. I watched Food Network, went on the computer - after two days of being virtually offline - showered and read a book.  I did the same on Saturday. Friday I was signed up for the Blogher 5K and instead of running it, I walked it with Karen, Laurie and Deb. I had a blast just talking with them and strengthening our friendships.  Saturday morning I went for a run by myself and was out 2 hours exploring and admiring the Chicago waterfront.  Sunday, I left the hotel, went to the bookstore, went back to Lush, visited my first ever American Girl store where I only bought the pair of pajamas I wanted to purchase for Riley - jammies that matched the Bitty Baby she received for Christmas that I could not afford at the time.

And I went to Gino's and ate pizza at the bar and read a book.  For two hours. 

I got out of the weekend exactly what I wanted - time to myself, to replenish myself, to listen to the quiet me that I ignored for far too long.  I strengthened my friendships, and most importantly, I am proud of who I was and how I handled myself. In fact, I still have a lot of my own business cards, and only came home with about 40 new ones - and I can remember each and every one of those wonderful ladies, why I took their cards and the conversations we had.

To me, that's the best part.

Comments

[Headless Mom]

Bravo, Sister! Well done.

[Kim]

Not a bad run, all in all. There is no price you can put on getting away - no matter what you getting away from. The quiet time to choose to have no sound. Aaahhh....

[Cindy]

Wonderfully said Carmen. Thank you!

[angie]

Sounds like how to do BlogHer.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

C, you know you're always on my A-list. I really missed seeing you this year. Next year, for sure. There'll be no keeping me away from New York.

[Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!}]

Good for you, Carmen. It's interesting to read from someone who has attended before '09, thanks for sharing. :)

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

This is exactly how I felt about Blogher this year. I, too, decided to use the time for me. I like the conference, the panels, & the swag, but doing my own thing, & talking for more than 5 seconds with people is the heart of the Blogher conference. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with you and I look forward to next year, where I plan to do it just like this, again.

[jennster]

i think that's great! i'm really excited for next years and i plan on being there.. planning as in i am saving NOW. :) we all need time away for ourselves and i love what blogher gives us- time with people we consider friends outside of the computer. :) SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!

[jen]

Sometimes a little alone time is more healing than anything else in the world. I have a convention next month and I can't wait, simply because I get some alone time. Balm to the soul.

[Rox]

I am so happy to have met you, too! It was really awesome to find some downtime with a friend during that otherwise manic weekend. Let's find a way to grab another quiet coffee in NYC next year!

[Melanie]

Well, I consider you an A-lister. At least in my book -- I stopped reading the "A-listers" long ago but I still like reading about your life and am inspired how you take care of yourself. I totally get the alone-time thing, and am glad you had plenty while in Chicago.

[Sylvia]

Oh Carmen gross! I think you just became a grown-up! Lol...I am kidding of course. I am so glad that you got some time to be alone and I think that it's wonderful that you realize how much you deserved it. Bravo!

[Karen Sugarpants]

I'm thrilled you got what you wanted out of the conference. I did too and a lot of us veterns seem to have felt the same way - like we went with really no expectations and had fun doing what we wanted.
It was awesome getting quality time with you. You are fantastic, lady.
xo

[Young Wife]

Sounds awesome! I love it when you can leave a party exactly when you want to. It so rarely happens. Reading, making friends, eating yummy food. Sounds like a great conference.

[mayberry]

I know just how you feel. I'm glad you had the blogher experience you needed! I really enjoyed meeting you at Thursday's event.

[Tresha Thorsen]

being true to you...it doesn't get any better. huggin you for sharing...time and again when i stop looking to externals for any sense of identity, purpose, validation, whatevah...i reconnect with me :) as you said so well. grateful to hear you had a fulfilling wknd...:)

[Nancy]

Nice Post..

[Mommy Cracked]

This is a great post. And not that it matters, but I totally consider you an A list blogger.

[elizabeth]

Way behind on reading - but just wish to say, I love your writing...and your realness. I hope to meet you irl someday.
Glad you had such a blissful blogher time. :D

[workout mommy]

Sounds like you had a great experience! I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk more, I really wanted to sit down and chat with you. The next time I'm in your area, I'm coming over! :)

[kyoot]

Very nicely done. I think that "rush rush rush" would be the part I wouldn't enjoy. I like people, and I like meeting people but I like talking to people not just "oh I forgot your name and everything about you because I only talked for 2minutes, next!" :)

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