Why Not Just Get a Job, Already?

This is heavy and deep.  I'm requesting that we all remember to wear our big girl panties and speak civilly and respectfully to and about each other at all times.  Comments that do not follow this request will be deleted. 

Some of you know that I received a comment that was a touch difficult for me and made me grumpy.  I make no secret of the fact that money has been tight, but maybe I need to back off on this refrain a bit. On my post discussing how much back to school costs, a post I wrote to enter a Visa gift card contest, I received this comment:

I know nobody likes negative reactions to their posts and I really enjoy reading your blog. I read yours every day and really enjoy hearing about your family but I'm curious. Since your children need so many things and your husband is working so very hard to provide and since all your kids will be in school all day, do you plan to get a job to help out?

To which I replied:

Ah, Nana. I actually had to check and see if you were related to me - since my kids call my mom Nana - but I knew that my mom wouldn't ask such a pointed question.

I do work. I write for two companies part time. That takes a good chunk of my day that my kids are at school, and I'm actively trying to grow that part of my writing resume. I write on this blog. I receive income from that. Corporate blogging - as well as my own personal blogs - requires spending time online promoting and linking and such. I am working on a book and have had a proposal accepted and now have to present a rewrite within a set time frame.

The trouble with this post, one that I didn't elaborate on very well, is that my daughter is afflicted with a bad case of the gimmies. She, like many teens today, wants more and more. And, until the recession and economic slowdown, we were living a slightly higher than normal standard - and we all got used to it. She remembers her brother getting things that she's not getting as she starts high school. And with a not quite 50% pay cut over the course of two years - no matter how much money I bring in - it won't bring us to the same standard. It can't. He's been in his field for more than 25 years and has built himself a career - and any job that I start out with won't pay to that same scale. Trust me - we've both looked.

Up until Feb 17 of this year, I did work outside of the home. I'm wondering if you were reading here then, because I had a pretty public nervous breakdown from working what amounted to two part time jobs as well as being the sole parent 85% of the time. I hurt my leg and ended up on bedrest - or, to be exactly correct - sofa rest. While I was on medical leave for that 14 weeks, I was offered the writing job that replaced my salary and in fact, paid a bit more - and I could stay home and be able to actually be present.

Nana, I'm not certain how many children you have, but even if you only have one - which is still awesome in my book, as my best friend has one - you know two very big truths. One: children will never have enough of what they want, and you will will never be able to provide all of it. Ever. And the second truth - sometimes, especially if you have multiple kids, and some of have some different needs, allergies and whatnot - one parent is going to need to be more present. Those three years that I worked - my kids didn't have a parent present. The times that I was home I was exhausted, I didn't cook, I used after care pretty extensively which was to the detriment of my kids, and the entire family was in shambles. We found that we had serious behavior issues surface in two of our kids and could follow them directly back to incidents that occurred in after care. In short, it was harmful to my children. I'm not saying that it's harmful to ALL children - but this particular instance was very bad for my kids.

Nana, my husband is at work more often than not. That's the reality of his chosen profession. But we chose to have a big family, and our kids do need a parent to be there for them. Especially given the fact that I have a child with "issues" and we found that I needed to be more present than I was. Or, at least, one of us needed to be - and it wasn't going to be my husband, unless we wanted to live on the streets.

Nana, I thank you for your question and if I can clarify our family's position further, please do not hesitate to email me again.

But.  I feel that I need to clarify for everyone.  (I added one sentence to the comment about to clarify one point a bit further.) And could I say "clarify" ONE MORE TIME?  Geez, Louise.

I was kind of vague about what happened to me in late Feb of this year. Many of you know, because I sent out a mass email to readers whose names I recognized. At the point of the event, I was uncomfortable with the fact that my sister and various friends of hers read here, and none of them will speak to me - I didn't want to give further ammunition to people who do not have my best interests, and in fact, love to pull me down and take great delight in it. But what many of you may not know is that I had a nervous breakdown. I started crying at work, on the tenth day of walking on an almost completely torn calf muscle - and I could not stop crying. I was beyond stressed and completely and 100% exhausted. It was a deep physical thing, that crying, and it scared both me and my coworkers because I am typically together. I NEVER cry, and this day, I did not stop. My boss finally took me off the line and sent me home with strict instructions to visit a doctor and not return until I did so. When I went to the doctor, he told me that I was a candidate for surgery unless I spent the next 14-16 weeks on my ass.

I cried off and on for the next week. I slept as much as humanly possible and cried some more.

While off work, I went for counseling. At the time, I was working what amounted to two part time jobs.  My husband's job requires him to be away 16 hours, and so I am the parent. (Wait - I explained all of that above.) My counselor and I decided, with the input from my husband, that no job was worth my mental health - which, make no mistake about it, was rapidly slipping through my fingers. It took me WEEKS to make that decision, because I knew exactly how precarious and built on air our finances were and the fact that I was going to drop a desperately needed, although NOT huge, source of income, was a tremendous struggle for me.  I talked it through with everyone. I sought counsel from priests, nuns, friends, co workers, my mother - I all  but accosted homeless people on the street.  It was AGONY for me to quit. I felt horrifically guilty.  But part of what led to my feeling of being both overwhelmed and exhausted was the sheer physicality of cafeteria work.  Make no mistake about it - that was one of the toughest jobs I ever did.  At the end of a 5 hour shift, I was worn out and some days felt as if I'd been hit with a 2x4.  And then I'd have to come home and drop FULL SPEED and INTENSITY into my kids and their needs and issues and yadda yadda. I've been depressed before and I was deep in the throes of it again, with no way discernible to exit. I worked all day, got my kids and then spent hours doing kids/family/house and then began my writing (blogs, freelance, Zwaggle, book proposal stuff, book WRITING) at 11 or 12 at night. I'd sleep 3-4 hours and begin again.

So I have worked to help support my family. I'm STILL working to support my family. But. Even if I wasn't working outside the home to bring in a paycheck, I have a larger than normal family with a (small) handful of issues that OUR FAMILY decided needed a parent at home. Raising six kids is an ENTIRELY different bucket of wax than raising one or two.  I'm sorry, but it is. Putting my spectrum kid in school full time clued me in to the fact that I need to be able to zip into the classroom at short notice, available for field trips and fully present at home and not using After Care. Which is a good program, but was not for her. You know more than anything what has helped me to see this? How smoothly and calmly the last two days have gone.  How smooth my brain feels, how absolutely peaceful I feel.  (Well, absolute peace hasn't yet been achieved, but I feel like a different person than I did when we did return to school last year.)

As I said before, I hope that this clarifies how our family runs money - when we have it,that is - and if I'm not clear on stuff, leave me a comment and I'll address it in the comments section. And I did receive an apology email - but I still thought that this entire issue was important enough to address here. And I know that I really don't owe anyone an explanation - I live by the credo "My space, My blog" - but I thought that if it came up with one reader, odds are great that it might be thought by more than one.

Comments

[mhb]

While I am sure Nana meant no ill will, some people just don't get it. I still today applaud you, as I did last April for quitting your job. I wish everyday we were able to make it on my husband's income alone. I only have two kids and I about had a stroke buying them their school supplies thie year. I went without them today to get them ONE outfit each for the first day of school. I can't take them with me because they too ask for everything they see. And just one outfit each was as much as I would have spent on my own clothes! So having said that, I think you are doing a great job raising SIX kids and being present in their lives is so much more needed than an Aeropostale shirt!!!

[Issa]

I think that this post is a great explanation. However, I'm not sure you needed to do it. Really, it's your space and like I said yesterday, you can choose to share what you want in it. Bitching in the moment, is the joy of having a blog.

[Jessica]

I am starting to see that sometimes having many people reading your blog is not always a good thing. Even though you did not have to explain it all, you did a great job in doing so. We are fortunate enough to be able to read about peoples lives and interests as though reading a page of a novel. This is how I take it. Your trials and tribulations amaze me and I always look forward to a post from you and a few others, as I do when I go to bed at night and get to read a few pages of my book.

I dont know if this helps, but I will never stop reading your book.

[Dianna]

Hi Carmen, I don't have anything to comment here. I don't believe you should have to explain yourself here, I would assume you know what is best for your family. Anyways, I just want to make sure you receive an email I sent you a few minutes ago so it doesn't go to your spam folder. That's all. Have a super day.

[maggie]

Carmen, thank you for sharing parts of your life here. I agree with the above comments that you really didn't have to explain yourself at all. You are honest and an inspiration to many of us readers. We are all doing the best we can! And don't ever let the negative comments get ya down.

[Jennifer W.]

Hi Carmen, I agree with the other comments...You did a great job explaining your self and your life -- but you certainly didn't have to. It's your life and your choices and you certainly don't owe us any explanation of those choices.
PS enjoy the quiet this week and as a middle school teacher, I can tell you that these "discussions" with teenagers over clothing are totally normal. I know that's not too helpful, but know you're not alone in this battle.

[She Likes Purple]

I have to agree with mhb -- and I'm new here! -- but some people just don't understand. They will always think your choice isn't right because it's just not the choice they'd make.

I work outside the home and someone commented earlier today how "most people can stay home if they really wanted to, if they'd rope in their spending/extravagances." And ... well, that's lovely that they think that. It just doesn't apply to my life. Even if I explained to them all the reasons I work outside the home, they wouldn't get why I made the choice and they'd never encourage/support it.

I really think some people feel because others choose differently, their choice isn't valid when the real beauty in life (at least life for so many of us) is having the choice at all.

You should never have to explain your choices because you made them for you and your family and that automatically makes them the right choices, but I completely understand the need to clarify. I wish people "got it" but they just don't sometimes.

[Marie]

Carmen, Thank you for sharing your life with us. No explanation is/was needed.

[Debby Pucci]

Excellent post. I am in awe of what you do.
You go girl!

[Laura]

I've commented a few times here, with the utmost respect for what you do and how you do it and the way that you write (btw, I will be buying that book, please write it!)

I am sorry that you felt you had to justify yourself to one person, whom I'm sure (well I hope) is now feeling a bit silly. I would imagine that most other people reading here would never have expected you to. My mum stayed at home looking after just me, I can't imagine how you could have had a job outside of looking after your children! Your happiness and theirs is worth lots more than your daughter needing skinny jeans for school (I feel her pain, but she'll understand it one day just like I did!)

I think you do an amazing 'job' already :)

[Patty Madden]

Carmen,

I have been reading your blog for a little more than a year now. Your blog is your space and your life is your life. You inspire me. I am a foster mother and foster up to 4 children at a time. When we get up to 4, I often feel ready to pull my hair out....so reading your blog has given me some helpful hints and some inspiration to keep going. Please do not feel that you have to explain yourself to your criticizers. They really do not have to read your blog. That said, thank you for sharing your life so completely. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable to so many strangers. I think that your mental health is so much more important to your family than money. Thank you for your blog.

[Jules]

I don't usually comment. But i wanted to say thank you for sharing... although I never think some one should have to explain their life choices on their own blog. I think as moms... we're always misunderstood by 1 person or another for our choices. My in-laws don't understand why my husband and I (I wanted it, but it was his choice for me to do it) chose for me to stay home with our daughter. I, like you... Do work. It's just not the conventional way. But there are moms out there who work full time who are in the same boat, judged for working.

It kinda goes with that saying of until you've walked in some else's shoes, you shouldn't judge... or whatever that proverb is.

Sadly, we all still judge each other. When will it ever stop? I never questioned why you stay home, i started reading AFTER April, but to me, it doesn't matter why. :) YOU CHOSE. Not me. :)Anyhow... I LOVE LOVE LOVE you're blog. I'm jealous of your large family and love reading your experiences and thoughts. It makes me feel not so alone at times. :)

Have a beautiful day! :)

[Tamara]

Just wanted to add that I'd buy that book too...even though I'm new to your blog, I'm hooked already and would love to read anything you write! Thanks for the laughs, and the insight.

[amie]

This too shall pass- (after we fuss about it for a while).

[Erin]

Like you, I too would have felt the need to justify myself in a post. HOWEVER, you don't need to. Anyone who pays day care know why there are stay at home parents. I'm tight on cash too, why do I not work outside the home? Salary would equal day care, so what's the point. Well, that and I enjoy being home with my kids... most of the time.

You don't need to explain yourself, it's no ones business.

((Hugs))

[Kai]

I, for one, am grateful you explained yourself and gave us all an opportunity to see one option of how a family dynamic works. I think all too often people forget that families come in all sizes and structures with varying needs and priorities and there isn't one singular way to live. Isn't that why we all read blogs, to glimpse into the lives of others and celebrate the plurality of the world? It's certainly why I do.

Hugs to you for not only making the tough decisions and sacrifices for the good of your health and your family, but doing it publicly and enduring the commentary on it!

[Chantel]

You are obviously a great mom and doing what's right for you and your family. It's a cliche, but you have to take care of you before you can take care of others.

I think all moms need to support each other more and judge and criticize each other a lot less. There are too many lines being drawn (one kid vs six, work vs stay-at-home, breastfeed vs formula, public school vs homeschool, etc.). Being a mom is a tough job and there are a million different ways to do it and still do it well. We should celebrate our choices and support each other!

[Tina]

I also feel the "guilt" sometimes that why don't I work NOW? But I did work for two years growing a business from the ground up and working 14 hours a day... I was in the home but I was working. I wish I could go back and take back all those hours spent on my business and put them back into my family.
Don't feel guilty for being a "mom" your kids need you and your husband needs you and let your husband handle the "money". OUR JOB should be to provide a good home and be as frugal as we can! Cheers to you! :)

[Glenda]

Thanks for the post. I second and third all the comments from above!

[girlsmama]

Dear Carmen,

As usual you rock my world. As one big family mama to another, thanks. I so often have the moment of "guilt" (whether from my own brain or another's comment)that I don't work outside the home.

But then we run the numbers and the possible problems we might encounter with day care and all of a sudden it becomes so clear that my job as Mom is the most important and beneficial to me and my family.

I like you work part time out of my home (I run a preschool a couple days a week from the basement) and am so grateful to be ready at the drop of a hat should my children, husband, or neighbor need my assistance through out the day.

It's so good to be blessed my a loving God who knows the needs of us and our family.

Love you girl.

[Emily C]

I think you're awesome, Carmen.

I hope this school year goes much more smoothly for you. In the words of Prince Humperdink, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

[Sheila Scarborough]

You haven't heard from me since we spoke together with Christine Kane on the BlogHer panel in 2007, but I think of you often and have you on my My Alltop page because I can't handle being "Mom to the Screaming Masses" for only TWO kids, much less six! :)

You don't need any platitudes from me, but for what it's worth, I give the "there are starving children in XYZ nation!" speech at least every other day, to no avail. Other than sending kids on a volunteer trip to poverty-stricken places, there's sometimes no way to convince them to buck up. It's not you; it's human nature.

You're doing the right thing, and even though I only parachute in to read about every 6 months, I love you and your blog.

[kyooty]

I'm so happy that we live in a time when mom's have a choice to work or not work and how to work. There are so many more doors open for the "choosing".
Thank you for posting and sharing your family

[elizabeth]

Kisses and Hugs! (though I know you're not that sort, I'm not really either - but I make exceptions on the giving and receiving in times like these...) Too much to say here, but I heartfully support you, and do not ever need explanantions, but love that you did for the people who just can't/won't grow up and MTOB! (mind their own business!)

[Lisa @ All That and a Box of Rocks]

Carmen,
As the mom of 5, two being 'spectrum kids', I know where you are coming from. Sometimes it takes a little less *here* to give a little more *there*. It's called living on a balance scale-every day there's a chance of tipping too far the wrong way: teens, finances, special needs, housework, working at home.....Mercy! Keep doing what you're doing~
Lisa