Why Not Just Get a Job, Already?

This is heavy and deep.  I'm requesting that we all remember to wear our big girl panties and speak civilly and respectfully to and about each other at all times.  Comments that do not follow this request will be deleted. 

Some of you know that I received a comment that was a touch difficult for me and made me grumpy.  I make no secret of the fact that money has been tight, but maybe I need to back off on this refrain a bit. On my post discussing how much back to school costs, a post I wrote to enter a Visa gift card contest, I received this comment:

I know nobody likes negative reactions to their posts and I really enjoy reading your blog. I read yours every day and really enjoy hearing about your family but I'm curious. Since your children need so many things and your husband is working so very hard to provide and since all your kids will be in school all day, do you plan to get a job to help out?

To which I replied:

Ah, Nana. I actually had to check and see if you were related to me - since my kids call my mom Nana - but I knew that my mom wouldn't ask such a pointed question.

I do work. I write for two companies part time. That takes a good chunk of my day that my kids are at school, and I'm actively trying to grow that part of my writing resume. I write on this blog. I receive income from that. Corporate blogging - as well as my own personal blogs - requires spending time online promoting and linking and such. I am working on a book and have had a proposal accepted and now have to present a rewrite within a set time frame.

The trouble with this post, one that I didn't elaborate on very well, is that my daughter is afflicted with a bad case of the gimmies. She, like many teens today, wants more and more. And, until the recession and economic slowdown, we were living a slightly higher than normal standard - and we all got used to it. She remembers her brother getting things that she's not getting as she starts high school. And with a not quite 50% pay cut over the course of two years - no matter how much money I bring in - it won't bring us to the same standard. It can't. He's been in his field for more than 25 years and has built himself a career - and any job that I start out with won't pay to that same scale. Trust me - we've both looked.

Up until Feb 17 of this year, I did work outside of the home. I'm wondering if you were reading here then, because I had a pretty public nervous breakdown from working what amounted to two part time jobs as well as being the sole parent 85% of the time. I hurt my leg and ended up on bedrest - or, to be exactly correct - sofa rest. While I was on medical leave for that 14 weeks, I was offered the writing job that replaced my salary and in fact, paid a bit more - and I could stay home and be able to actually be present.

Nana, I'm not certain how many children you have, but even if you only have one - which is still awesome in my book, as my best friend has one - you know two very big truths. One: children will never have enough of what they want, and you will will never be able to provide all of it. Ever. And the second truth - sometimes, especially if you have multiple kids, and some of have some different needs, allergies and whatnot - one parent is going to need to be more present. Those three years that I worked - my kids didn't have a parent present. The times that I was home I was exhausted, I didn't cook, I used after care pretty extensively which was to the detriment of my kids, and the entire family was in shambles. We found that we had serious behavior issues surface in two of our kids and could follow them directly back to incidents that occurred in after care. In short, it was harmful to my children. I'm not saying that it's harmful to ALL children - but this particular instance was very bad for my kids.

Nana, my husband is at work more often than not. That's the reality of his chosen profession. But we chose to have a big family, and our kids do need a parent to be there for them. Especially given the fact that I have a child with "issues" and we found that I needed to be more present than I was. Or, at least, one of us needed to be - and it wasn't going to be my husband, unless we wanted to live on the streets.

Nana, I thank you for your question and if I can clarify our family's position further, please do not hesitate to email me again.

But.  I feel that I need to clarify for everyone.  (I added one sentence to the comment about to clarify one point a bit further.) And could I say "clarify" ONE MORE TIME?  Geez, Louise.

I was kind of vague about what happened to me in late Feb of this year. Many of you know, because I sent out a mass email to readers whose names I recognized. At the point of the event, I was uncomfortable with the fact that my sister and various friends of hers read here, and none of them will speak to me - I didn't want to give further ammunition to people who do not have my best interests, and in fact, love to pull me down and take great delight in it. But what many of you may not know is that I had a nervous breakdown. I started crying at work, on the tenth day of walking on an almost completely torn calf muscle - and I could not stop crying. I was beyond stressed and completely and 100% exhausted. It was a deep physical thing, that crying, and it scared both me and my coworkers because I am typically together. I NEVER cry, and this day, I did not stop. My boss finally took me off the line and sent me home with strict instructions to visit a doctor and not return until I did so. When I went to the doctor, he told me that I was a candidate for surgery unless I spent the next 14-16 weeks on my ass.

I cried off and on for the next week. I slept as much as humanly possible and cried some more.

While off work, I went for counseling. At the time, I was working what amounted to two part time jobs.  My husband's job requires him to be away 16 hours, and so I am the parent. (Wait - I explained all of that above.) My counselor and I decided, with the input from my husband, that no job was worth my mental health - which, make no mistake about it, was rapidly slipping through my fingers. It took me WEEKS to make that decision, because I knew exactly how precarious and built on air our finances were and the fact that I was going to drop a desperately needed, although NOT huge, source of income, was a tremendous struggle for me.  I talked it through with everyone. I sought counsel from priests, nuns, friends, co workers, my mother - I all  but accosted homeless people on the street.  It was AGONY for me to quit. I felt horrifically guilty.  But part of what led to my feeling of being both overwhelmed and exhausted was the sheer physicality of cafeteria work.  Make no mistake about it - that was one of the toughest jobs I ever did.  At the end of a 5 hour shift, I was worn out and some days felt as if I'd been hit with a 2x4.  And then I'd have to come home and drop FULL SPEED and INTENSITY into my kids and their needs and issues and yadda yadda. I've been depressed before and I was deep in the throes of it again, with no way discernible to exit. I worked all day, got my kids and then spent hours doing kids/family/house and then began my writing (blogs, freelance, Zwaggle, book proposal stuff, book WRITING) at 11 or 12 at night. I'd sleep 3-4 hours and begin again.

So I have worked to help support my family. I'm STILL working to support my family. But. Even if I wasn't working outside the home to bring in a paycheck, I have a larger than normal family with a (small) handful of issues that OUR FAMILY decided needed a parent at home. Raising six kids is an ENTIRELY different bucket of wax than raising one or two.  I'm sorry, but it is. Putting my spectrum kid in school full time clued me in to the fact that I need to be able to zip into the classroom at short notice, available for field trips and fully present at home and not using After Care. Which is a good program, but was not for her. You know more than anything what has helped me to see this? How smoothly and calmly the last two days have gone.  How smooth my brain feels, how absolutely peaceful I feel.  (Well, absolute peace hasn't yet been achieved, but I feel like a different person than I did when we did return to school last year.)

As I said before, I hope that this clarifies how our family runs money - when we have it,that is - and if I'm not clear on stuff, leave me a comment and I'll address it in the comments section. And I did receive an apology email - but I still thought that this entire issue was important enough to address here. And I know that I really don't owe anyone an explanation - I live by the credo "My space, My blog" - but I thought that if it came up with one reader, odds are great that it might be thought by more than one.

Comments

[KG]

Hey Carmen,
Are you going to get a job & help out? or just sit around all day doing laundry/shopping/yard work/bill paying/paperwork/scheduling/transporting/cooking & playing nursemaid & tutor to SIX KIDS?????

Girlfriend-
you need to get a J.O.B. to help out!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

if nana had actually read here regularly as stated, she would already have KNOWN about why you aren't "working"... so your clarification wasn't necessary at all!

So get back to the couch with your bon bon eating self....
ha!

hugs-

[Maureen]

Your candor probably helped more people than you will ever know. You didn't need to open up about it but by sharing it you may have made it ok for someone to seek the help that they have been reluctant to get.

I read here everyday and love what you write because you are so honest. Thanks for being so real.

[Beth]

As everyone else has said, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. No one knows what is right for you and your family other than YOU. I don't get when people say a stay at home parent isn't work...ummm, yes it is. It is the most satisfying work anyone can have. Is it for everyone? No. If you were working 15 hours outside the home, someone would sure to give you grief about not "being" there for your family. Keep your head up. You are an awesome person and looks to me you are raising an awesome family. By the way, the teenage "gimmies" don't leave when your child is 21 either :( ..... Heck I still have a case of the gimmies and I'm just a tad older :)

[Sue @ Laundry for Six]

Amen, sistah!

That was so incredibly well said. I only have 4 and one is still in preschool, but when I do start to make money again, it HAS to be in a very flexible way. I admire people who can have big families and work full time. I don't know how they do it. But I also like to hear that we are all trying to cut back and tighten belts. Our income has not changed in this economy, but we are cutting back too. Plumping up our non-existent savings is taking priority over buying the kids stuff they can do without.

[jen]

thanks for being you... (ps did i ever tell you we decided to move to china? been here since may... thanks for your prayers)

[Evie]

Carmen, you did (and do) what is in the best interest of your family. The money may be a bit short because of it, but you already know that the price is totally worth it. I think you and your husband are good parents and just ignore anyone who says otherwise.

[Kathy]

Carmen, maybe "Nana's" comment didn't intend the tone that it put across, but it's too bad you felt you had to defend your choices. I only raised 3 children, and that was hard enough! I think you rock at everything you do, and I LOVE reading your blog. And another thing - I really respect your self-discipline at making it all work. If I had the opportunity to work from home I would probably blow it because I would spend all my time reading books & taking naps instead of the actual work thing!

[Karen (from Our Deer Baby)]

Hi Carmen,

I am a single mom of seven, at least two of them are on the spectrum, so I understand where you are coming from. As others said, you do not need to explain yourself, but I enjoyed reading about your situation because there are a lot of things applicable to mine and it is always great to hear about other peoples experiences / decisions.

So thanks for sharing and you are doing a wonderful job raising those kids!

Karen

[Nicki]

I know it is hard not to take it personally when people, innocently or not, question you about the whole working thing, but I think you are doing exactly what you need to do for your family to be healthy and happy. I get it. I have a teenager (issues inherently built in with the teen years) who has ADHD, my middle son is appearing more and more to have ADHD/anxiety/speech issues and is struggling mightily, and I have a 3-year-old. So, yeah, the whole having to be present at a moment's notice and what boss is going to appreciate the many appointments you have to make it to for each child, and oh the before/after care and daycare fees. Gee, know of any jobs that will cover all of that? :) Also, with a husband who can be out of town with little notice for a short period or a long period of time.

I am in awe of you for being able to do this with 6 kids and do it well. No matter how difficult it may be and the days when you seem to be getting down on yourself for not being better, know that you are a good mom and wife. Thank you for sharing with all of us, and, frankly, inspiring us and allowing us to not feel so alone when we are struggling. I raise my coffee cup in salute to you. :)

[Emily]

Hi Carmen -
You don't know me but I'm a constant reader of your blog. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

I only have two kids - twins no less - but they are in the toddler age and some days I wonder if I'm cut out to be a stay at home Mom.

Your blog makes me feel like I'm HUMAN for having a wide range of emotions when it comes to parents. And that it's okay to examine our decisions ... and change our minds if necessary. Thanks for pointing out that our mental health and being there for our kids is paramount. With my own emphasis on the first point :)

Keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about those who don't get it ... there are plenty of us out here that DO!

[Amber J. Heard]

Carmen, I don't think you needed to explain yourself, but after reading your post, I do appreciate your situation. We all have a threshold, and I can tell yours is a lot stronger than mine. I have no children, no husband, no mortgage, but I have had moments in my life where I have completely broke down. None of us are in a position to judge. If we haven't been there, or are not there now ,we will sometime be in the not so distant future will be.

[Keri]

carmen - I appreciate your explanation, but in my humble opinion, it wasnt needed. People need to stop judging each other. This is your personal blog. If he/she doesnt have anything nice to say, stop reading.

I dont know your sister or her friends, but same goes to them. If they actually read here and then discuss it (putting you down and such) they should be ashamed of themselves. I dont the situation between you, but gossiping etc sure doesnt set a good example does it?

Just my 2 cents.

[txhorns]

I feel terrible that you, and other bloggers, feel like you have to divulge personal situations because of harsh commenters and critics. We are all doing the best we can for ourselves and our families and unsolicited advice is unwanted and critical. But, for every critical, questioning e-mail, there are 10/15/50 of us holding you strong. Good luck.

[monique]

Carmen... just thought I'd give you a virtual high five for doing what you're doing. I am astounded (annoyed??) that we still don't recognize that staying at home (be it with one kid or 6) IS a full time job.

Women (and other mothers) can be our worst enemies when we need each other's support the most. Whether you work in the home, work from home, or work outside the home, we're all working. Why not start from the thought that everybody is doing what is best for their family instead of picking apart the details?

Keep on keepin' on, Carmen. You're an inspiration!

[Jennifer]

Your life is more visable to us because you have a blog, but keep in mind that nobody and I mean nobody has it easy on this earth. We all have our crosses to carry. On the outside you may think you know what somebody's life is like, but as somebody once wisely stated "never compare the insides of your family(life) with the outsides of someone else's family(life). You are an inspiration to me and I continue to read here because you are so funny and kind and real. Go Girl!

[penne]

I've only got two and work fulltime...from home. I find I fulfill most of my hours when they're asleep and I'm braindead...have no idea how you handle six and do all you do. Impressive. And you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

[kyslp]

You know the saying "If Mama's not happy....," I say "If Mama's going crazy the whole house is crazy". You can't put a price on your health - mental or physical. And even if you never did anything to earn extra money, taking care of your kids and house is WORK.

[Angie]

Love this post. Being a mother is like shooting at a moving target. We have to constantly keep changing our strategy. Keep it up!

[Sarah]

I love how Kai put it: learning how your family dynamic works is great! As a fellow mom of six, it's very helpful for me to get a glimpse of what my future may be, when my children are older and my world focuses less on diapers and times tables.

And I'll buy your book, too! :-)

[angie]

You are SO right about how different and more difficult raising 6 children is! And I am so impressed with all you do to take care of your family. Congrats on the writing gigs! And I'm so glad you quit before you lost your sanity. So true, it wasn't worth it. And God will continue to get you and your family through this rough financial patch. I just know it.

btw, I think you perfectly communicated how your daughter had a case of the gimmes. Something about the hidden cost of public schools--all the clothing to fit in. sheesh!

Keep on keeping on. You're doing a great job.

[Jenn E]

I'm applauding you over here. I have two kids, one on the spectrum, one typical DIVA and another one on the way. You give me hope and ideas.

Thanks for sharing!

[Gina]

Thank you! Things are tight around here, and I had actually just looked at the help wanted ads for a second job. But reading your post reminded me that my sanity and time with my two kiddos is much more important than money.

[Jodi]

We made the decision before our first child was born that I would stay home. My husband and I both agreed that daycare was no place for our children. Now five kids and 15 years later we have made it work on one income. It is not always easy and sometimes our kids have to go without things they think they absolutely "must have". But we have never had to go without food, clothes, a house, and love. Those are the important things.

[jadine]

Holy doodle; what a gracious response. I can just imagine the effort that went into it. You're cool.

[Young Wife]

Taking care of your health and family is so much more important than working 40 hours a week. I am so sorry you received negative comments about being with your kids. Even if you hadn't had a nervous break down, it sounds like you would have eventually made the decision anyway. I'm so happy you've got a book deal! Congrats!