It Sucks to Be An Adult

So I realized again.

Remember when you were a kid, and you were all, "I can't WAIT to be a grown up!  I'm gonna do what I WANT, WHEN I want it, and NOTHIN'S gonna stop me?" Yeah, reality, thanks for the sucker punch.

I am a student of capoeira. That right there is a link to my grupo - although it's not in my state, it's the one that my area belongs to, and the grupo that we test with. Part of the structure of the art is the fact that you test for a new belt level. I trained for a year before I was able to test, and you can only test in a special ceremony called a Batizado, and you must be tested by a maestre - and they come over from Brazil. So you can't just test whenever you want, or when you have enough time under your belt. It might be as long as two or more years before another opportunity comes up, although my group tries to have a Batizado at least once a year.

I received my first cord almost two years ago - I moved from white to white/yellow. Last year the batizado was canceled, I think due to Visa trouble. So I didn't test. This year I was told that I could skip a rank and move up two (from white/yellow to orange) - I have enough classes and my skill level has improved enough. I was really happy to hear that. But I can't go.

This being responsible thing sucks. Sucks BIG TIME.

We just can't afford for me to go. I'd have to leave my kids for two days, my husband can't take time off work, and my mom (rightfully!) has her own plans. Plus, leaving my kids is slam out hard. It's hard on the little ones, and it takes me a day or six to get things back in the rhythm that we need to succeed as a family. I'd miss soccer games - although, hello, I've seen enough of those that I could flat out tell you what happens each and every day - but my kids really like it when I'm there. And they need me.

But the real hard stop to the idea of going away is the non existent funding situation that we have going on right now. I'd have to drive, which is about a 4-5 hour drive, and I'd have to take THE VAN, which means about 3 tanks of gas - even with falling gas prices, still over $200. A hotel room for a night - at least $100. Food for myself - and even if I brought from home I'd still have to pay - maybe $50 or more. And then the fees for said instruction and Batizado - at least $100. So, total for a weekend away for me, for a sport - around $500. And right now, that just isn't going to fly.

I recently had a sharp internal SMACK upside the head that Christmas is coming, and I have exactly 3 paydays before said holiday. Eeek. There's no way that I can in good conscience take a weekend and go off, as my husband says, and "Get another belt - what purpose does that serve you in life? It's not like it's a money maker." True, that. It's not fair to the family to spend the money - which we don't have anyway, so that's really a non existent argument - when we've got bills/schooling costs/kids want to go to the movies/buy shoes/need new winter coats/hubby needs new shoes/van needs tires and some kind of belt (probably not even a flattering one).

So, go me. I'm being RESPONSIBLE.

Want to know a deep, dark secret? The worst part is that there is a really obnoxious person in my class - a young person - who hasn't belted and will belt at this event - and will now be my equal. And I flat out HATE that - and hate that I hate that. I want to think I'm all "Go everyone! I'm so happy you are all advancing!" and I'm really not.

And now you know.

Comments

[Headless Mom]

So understandable, even if it sucks.

Related: I colored my own hair this weekend. With birthdays and Christmas coming up I can't rationalize the 100$ for color vs. 10$ to do it myself. It actually turned out OK, so I guess I'm a do-it-yourself-er now!

[Thumper]

Therein lies an inherent problem with ranking systems. Ideally, rank shouldn't matter and students should be equal no matter how long they've been training, but it never seems to work out that way.

You're advancing in skill and that's what really matters; belts, cords, anything that symbolizes the skill level really doesn't. It sucks to not be able to go and test, but it's what you've learned and what you can do that matters...

Not that that helps with the disappointment any...

[Kimberly]

I hate being responsible. Why can't I sleep in for a change and "play" what I want to play. Oh yeah, I have a baby and a preschooler, dammit.

My mom always says that having kids knocks the selfishness out of you. No it doesn't. The selfishness is still there. We just accept the disappointment, and on our better days we don't throw tantrums. :-)

[wookie]

You're doing the right thing for the right reasons. And Christmas cannot possibly be around the corner :P

[amie]

I symapthize with you and think you should have some cookie dough & vodka to console yourself.

I SO wish you were kidding that Christmas is 3 months away. I would like some time somewhere , somehow that requires no big ticket bills or large expenditures of money. :(

[Ally from Zwaggle]

I'm so sorry Carmen, but I think that it's really cool that you've accomplished so much! It sucks that you can't go through the ceremony, though, because I know that's an important part in accomplishing something.

[Brandy]

When you're a Mom you get used to disappointment. It's just the way it is. And you're right. Selfishness doesn't go away, it's just tamped down. And the scariest thing of all? Christmas is less that 100 days away. I hear you on the paycheck thing. *sigh*

[maggie]

I like the cookies and vodka idea above, here, here! The money may not be there now, but you will be able to do this at a later date. We mommies have a tendency to put our needs last because we have to and yes, it sucks!

Thanks for the reminder about Christmas...quite a few people I know have already begun shopping for the big day. I cannot support this idea! Mainly because we will be having a lean holiday this year, funds are low. But that's not what Christmas is about now is it? I'll follow this by saying, this suck, too!

[owen's mommy]

Only having been an adult for just under 6 years and being a grown up / mommy for 1-ish, I pretty much have no room to talk about why I don't like being a grown up or dealing with responsibility... I don't think I've paid my dues yet for that =]

However, what I do know about is shopping - for Christmas in particular. Having worked in a major department store for 4 years I saw the madness that ensued over Christmas and quickly decided I wouldn't be a late shopper. EVER. People say I'm crazy for starting my Christmas shopping as early as a do - I try to start 6 months in advance. I think it's smart. When I have a little extra scratch, a knock a gift or two off of my list. Besides that I pride myself on being a thrifty person, so even then, I'm using coupons, shopping clearance and finding DEALS! And believe me, it REALLY doesn't take as much effort as people think.

That being said, try it! It's a lot easier to spread the burden of shopping throughout a longer period of time as opposed to having to buy everything in bulk at one time - I find it's less of a hit on our bank account.

Also, try www.mypoints.com... It's great! You get points for shopping with online stores that are aligned with them. Then, once a certain number of points accumulate, you can exchange them for gift cards. I always wait until before Christmas and use the gift cards I get to buy whatever Christmas gifts I couldn't swing. All major department stores participate, so do online exclusive stores like eBay and Amazon and countless of other awesome retailers.

They also send emails daily that, if you click on the ad they've emailed, you get 5 points. Seriously, a click of the mouse and you get 5 points each time (if you don't like that then block the emails, they don't mind). They also send surveys that if you qualify, you can get 50-100 points for participating. Seriously, it's awesome! Check it out!

[Young Wife]

Oh, that is a bummer! Don't feel bad about the obnoxious girl. A really good friend told me once, "You don't have to be everyone's best friend." You don't have to like everyone or even be happy that she will be advancing, in my opinion.

[kyoot]

i'm bummed for you, even my internal no way is enraged by thhe younger smartypants that will get to test. Is it wrong to think she might not pass? just saying

[Sarah]

Ugh. I so get the whole being-an-adult-isn't-all-it's-cracked-up-to-be thing.

Is there any option for car pooling and sharing a hotel room? That would likely cut your expenses in half--much easier to justify.

[mm]

My daughter turned 16 today. Happy Birthday to her. In any event she and I happened to have a conversation about jealousy this evening, a normal human emotion. My sister in law had chided me once for admitting that I was jealous of such and such. I don't believe that me wishing for whatever makes me a bad person, nor yourself. I think admitting it keeps us real.

In other news I am trying to think of something I am doing in my life that presents the challenge that your Capoeira does. I am drawing a blank.

[Megan]

I remember in college being really jealous that my best friend got to go to Disney World and the beach over the summer. Meanwhile, I was stuck at home working a job I hated and struggling to come up with enough to pay my car insurance and save up for textbooks. This summer I went through it again when my ex-boyfriend took a vacation to Europe as I was facing $1200 in car work. It's even worse when you don't like the person. And I hear ya on these tough times, every time I think I might be able to relax a little, I remember that my car needs yet more maintenance and Christmas is indeed coming.

I'm sorry you can't test, but like others said, the important thing is that you are improving and moving up. Maybe the next time a testing opportunity comes up, you can go up even more and really blow them away. Meanwhile, I'll keep my fingers crossed that somehow the money gods will smile on you and allow you to test after all.

[Nobody]

Hey Carmen, You always give us snippets of advice and now I’m going try and return the favor… First, think of all the personal satisfaction you get from being there for your family and how much they appreciate you even though I’m sure they never say it out loud enough. But the most important thing is that you are looking at your capoera belt from the wrong perspective. The color of your belt in the martial arts is only an outward indication for others to see how far you have progressed. Nothing else. The true measure of your capabilities exists in your heart and the fact that your instructor says that you have progressed enough to skip a belt should be an indicator to you that your abilities have progressed to the point where you don’t need a special belt for others to see it. Also, no matter what belt this person in your class attains, I’m sure they will never be your equal…
And just so you know, I also participate in the martial arts. I’ve taken Judo, Taekwondo, Kenpo Karate, Sambo and Jujitsu and I used to feel that I needed belts to prove my worth. They a good friend of mine pointed out what I just told you (although more eloquently) and I realized that the true measure of abilities lies within and not without and because of that he never wears a belt other than plain cloth… That friend of mine is Tim Kennedy, and if the name doesn’t ring a bell with you just take a look at the UFC championships. And then keep fighting on for the original reasons you started in the first place, to improve your life and feel good about yourself…

P.S. sorry to ramble on....

[tracey]

Hey, nothing wrong with being a little centered upon yourself. Trust me, if I DIDN'T center on myself at least a BIT, I'd go ape-shit crazy. It would be nice to be able to release all of the responsibilities and not worry about money, but then we'd lose the things we love that go hand in hand with the responsibilities.

Gah. Adulthood rocks. Yay...

[kim/hormone-colored days]

She may have the same belt color as you but she will not be your equal! Maintain a focus on your own development and train to the next level despite the color belt you wear.
Oh, and was she on the Today Show recently? I doubt it. :-)

[Lisa @ All That and a Box of Rocks]

Don't you hate being the responsible one? Ugh.

I guarantee you that the person who said 'money isn't everything' HAD money. I get so tired of telling myself no because of the 'no money' excuse. Even worse, I hate it even more when I have to use it on my kids.