Vanity, Thy Name is Carmen

I needed a lip wax.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will share two things - I often need a lip wax, being a hairy, hairy beast of a woman, and I hate to get a lip wax, simply because I am a whiny, cryie baby and it hurts so freaking bad. SO I wait until it's much too late and then it hurts worse. I have discovered, however, that if I go to the uber cushy spa in my area I don't break out after the fact - an unfortunate side effect of going to a less expensive salon type area, namely the nail salons that serve as multi purpose locations. There's really nothing worse than getting said lip wax and spending the next week with a very visible reminder that you are a hairy freak of nature.

While I was pondering the need for a lip wax one day, I was also contemplating said pain, and I flashed on a totally brilliant idea - what about the lidocaine cream I had in the cabinet? I could conceivably coat coat my upper lip in the cream, let it do its brilliant job of numbing and then go have all of the hair ripped off my upper lip completely pain free. Congratulating myself on my brilliance, I coated my upper lip about fifteen minutes before it was time to leave. It was only then that I realized how much of a mess I was in, and how, exactly, I thought I'd drive across town sporting said very thick white moustache.

Getting out to the van was no trouble - I just ducked my head and covered my mouth with my hand. I jumped into the van and started it up, and backing out of the driveway I ran into my first stumbling block - a neighbor, walking towards me and waving. What to do, what to do I frantically thought. I'm just vain enough that I didn't want her to see me sporting what could be construed as a face full of mayonnaise, so I quickly leaned my left elbow on the door and dropped my chin into my hand.  Curling my fingers around my nose, I used the other hand to wave energetically and sped off, choosing to ignore the puzzled looks she gave me.

Driving on the interstate, I thought, would be the best way, but I hadn't counted on the social curiosity that most people feel as they pass or are passed by another driver. You know what I mean - the sideways glance. Each time, I tried to lean back and shield myself with the door frame, but that got old quickly - there's nothing more distracting to other drivers than the puzzlement of trying to figure out another driver's bobble head activities. So I settled for driving with my chin in my hand, eyes of COURSE on the road, fingers curved around my face, trying to appear nonchalant and relaxed and why, no, of course there's nothing on my face, whatever might you be looking at? It was a very. very long ride to the spa, and I did everything I could to both avoid other drivers and concentrate on the road without distracting anyone. I gladly grabbed the tissues I had in the van at the last stop light and wiped my upper lip clean. It felt funny - kind of tingly and numb and I thought, hey, maybe it's worth looking like an idiot, because maybe I won't feel ANYTHING, and this could be the secret to getting a more frequent lip wax - because if it doesn't hurt, I'm coming here every WEEK.

And all of that drama and concern was completely ridiculous, of course - because not only did the lip wax still hurt - but I broke out, to boot.

Just embrace the pain, idiot.

Comments

[Young Wife]

Hee, hee! I could totally see myself doing that! Who would have thought lidocaine would make you break out?

[Karen]

The lady who does my eyebrows puts something on them before she puts the wax on so they get kind of numb. I don't know what it is, but I'll ask her the next time I go.

[Mama Cas]

You think a lip wax is bad? Have you ever had your Lady Bits waxed? Oh. my. gawd. I did it a few times, thinking it would get a little easier to bear over time. It didn't. I need an ice pack just thinking about it.

[Camille]

Carmen, have you heard of threading? Don't know if it's available in your area, but it is MUCH less painful than waxing and no breakouts!

[mm]

Mama Cas I shiver for you. Don't do that. Ever. Again. If you feel you must do something artistic might I suggest these new hair colors for "down there?" lol

My doctor recommended these Emla patches for my daughter when she had to get bloodwork done. You can get them at the drug store without a prescription. They are anaesthetic and you put them on an hour ahead of time, something like a bandaid.

Or when she had her ears pierced, the lady put this cream on her ears that numbed them for just a few minutes. I don't know that I break out so much when I get my eyebrows done so much as just have this lovely red mark for days after.

The price of vanity....

[melissa from girlymama]

hee hee - that was hilarious.
i got my eyebrows waxed two days before my brother's wedding and the lady ripped off my SKIN so i had two big scabs under my eyebrows for the wedding.
classy.

[elizabethk]

Yes - I was going to recommend EMLA also - but the gel form. I think though one needs a 'scrip for it. I ALMOST went for getting a FREE brow wax at a women's trade show, but knew I would disturb the entire place with my screaming! I have yet to get one done. I home bleach my moustache :( (the other day I reread Anne Frank and noted she even used/heard of putting hydrogen peroxide on her upper lip at night...to lighten her hairs)

[A]

Sheesh, my eyebrows break out in huge hives everytime I have ever had them waxed. Cannot imagine my lovely 'stach covered in bumps for weeks. If you ever find someone that does threading around here, please let me know!

[Brandy]

I'm sorry, but I am laughing about your description of bobble head drivers! *G*

[kalisa]

lip waxes actually hurt me worse than my brazilian. Just sayin.

[mel]

Carmen, can I suggest laser hair removal? It works like a charm, it stings, but it's longer lasting, not totally permanent unfortunately since it only gets the ones that are currently dark, and hormonal changes mean that the currently blonde/lighter ones are just biding their time...

[Sabz]

Threading is awesome. Try getting a tub of hot wax from the drugstore and DIY. It's not that bad. If you have an Indian grocery store, walk in and ask for a recommendation. Many ladies do threading out of their homes. It takes 5 mins and you'll be good to go for a few weeks.

[kyooty]

ouch!!can you bleach it?

[amie]

Too funny! Don't u just love being a girl, with all the waxing, plucking, etc? Was there something about texting I missed in this post?

[des]

you make me laugh, dear ;o)

[beth]

Some things are just worth the money. I got suckered in, not once, but Twice (welll I'll give it one more try maybe she was having an off day) to the sketchy place that offers up bikini waxing for half the cost of everywhere else. Mmmm. Yea. Again, some things are just worth the money! And a pain pill 20 mins before you go.
:)

[Mariah]

The only time I ever had my lip waxed I broke out so badly that it needed waxing again before it was healed up. (Why do some ppl break out and others don't??) I usually just pluck the dark hairs every couple of days. Much less painful and far more attractive than an upper lip full of sores!

[Allison Mitchell]

I too am a hairy beast and get self conscious about it. Fortunately I am a massage therapist and even though I have my own business I started renting a booth a couple days a week out of a salon mainly so I can trade with the hair dressers and estheticians. But no matter how much I brace myself getting your lips waxed hurts. So I decided to try laser hair removal, it is way more expensive but I don't have 6 kids to support so I decided to it. Ok, I no longer think getting your lip waxed hurts. I felt this pain go all through my teeth and a burning from the inside out. At least the results last longer than waxing and they tell me now to put my tongue inbetween my teeth and lips so it doesn't hurt as much. But I'm not sure if I care so much anymore that I'm a hairy beast. Maybe I can live with it.

[Addy]

I have tried the laser hair removal as well with similar results to Allison's. I'd take the wax any day.

[Mom of 2]

Hilarious! I am currently sorting a large zit on my lip thanks to a recent lip wax!