A Not So Anonymous Note to the Inhabitants of My Domicile

Henceforth, the following shall be rules, mandated by the Upper Most Level of Management:

• Anyone - I'm looking at the oldest man in the house for this one in particular - who wakes up cheerful and happy? You'd better keep that to yourself. I do not appreciate a rousing version of ANY church hymns at 5:15, while you shower, run the bathroom fan, and allow your cell phone alarm to blare.
• The excuse "Well, you need to get up anyway! An hour early just gives you an extra hour to get ready!" may end up getting you shot. And I'm a good shot.
• Those of you who would prefer a particular breakfast - say, no milk in your cereal? You'd better indicate that BEFORE I pour the milk and not demonstrate your displeasure by throwing a bowl of milk and cereal at me. I don't appreciate that.
• We have SHELVES in the garage - individual shelves, even - for your shoes. If I fall over those boats in the slam middle of the hallway again - you'll be shoeless.
• Want and Need are two different concepts. Learn to differentiate between the two.
• I am not psychic.
• Check to be sure you take YOUR lunch and not someone else's.
• By the same token - if you don't like what I pack - remember that you are SUPPOSED TO BE PACKING YOUR OWN. And get to it, already.
• My one abiding joy in life is not washing your nasty clothes. You know where the washer is, and how to use it. Your floor is not the repository for your clothes, and I do not need to spend my days sniffing your clothes to see if they are clean or dirty.
• I like to sleep. Get over it, already. It's not a character flaw.
• Be it also known that I like to work out. A lot. It doesn't mean I don't like YOU, don't want to be WITH you - I like to work out.
• Just because it's your bathroom doesn't give you the right to trash it. Clean it once a week. Or more. But at least once a week.
• It doesn't take breasts and a vagina to unload the dishwasher.
• These rules are subject to change as my mood and mind see fit.

Do any of these rules speak to you? What rules would you add?

Comments

[Kalisa]

I am SO SICK of the clothes thing, too. Elijah also keeps his clothes on his bedroom floor. And BOTH my laundry baskets are full of clean, folded clothes, waiting to be put away - one of Chip's clothes, one of E's. Instead, they simply live out of the baskets & I have nothing to carry the laundry in.

Can't we just throw them all away & buy new every week?

[Megan]

Dear people who visit my house: notice that when I answer the door, I am not wearing shoes unless you are just picking me up to go somewhere. Notice that I tend to pile my shoes around the tile entryway. Notice also that somewhat stained beige carpet just past the tile entryway. That is your cue to remove your shoes as well, or at least wipe your shoes off very well on the handy mat provided for such purpose, particularly if it is raining and you have just walked through the soggy leaves that the weather has been too damn cold for me to do anything about. Thank you.

[Issa]

I am not psychic either. Gah, I wish people would understand that.

I'd also like to add, there is a laundry hamper in your room for a reason, it is not just decoration. Also? Screaming at me when I tell you that you need to brush your teeth, acting like it's the most unreasonable request ever, will get you grounded from TV. Mostly because hi, it's not a choice to not brush your teeth and I don't like to be screamed at. Oh and also? I'm the grown up.

[Kalisa]

I have a laundry hamper in my room. Every night, my husband takes his clothes off & drops them on the floor RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

[sarah k]

The back of the couch is not a laundry hamper.

Leaving your silk shirts in the laundry pile means I will desposit silk shreds on your side of the bed, remnants of said shirt.

Throw your boots in the bottom of the closet... not into my fabric bin.

Make your bed. Just the comforter. THAT IS ALL I ASK.

PJ's go on your bed. Next to your bed. But they don't go on the couch!

[Jamie]

Put your own dishes in the dishwasher! It's only a few more inches from the sink. You can do it. I'm sure of it.

[Beth A.]

Chasing the dog with a stuffed animal that "just wants a piggy back ride" will get you bit by said dog. I will not yell at the dog for this -- that stuffed animal drives me nuts too!

[Karen]

I was just grumbling to myself about the clothes on the floor thing. The Midge left her pajama tops on the floor in her bedroom and the bottoms in her bathroom. I'm thinking of relocating them both to the trash bin and seeing if she notices...

[BeeBelle]

Thou shalt not clean up thy room by depositing the clean pile of clothes into the laundry hamper, STILL FOLDED.

[Megan]

Jamie's comment reminded me of another pet peeve: the "my dishes need to soak" excuse. Yes, a lasagna pan with baked-on cheese probably does need to soak before it goes in the dishwasher, but not for a week. Especially when the pan is actually owned by your roommate, who might like to use it herself once in awhile. And a cereal bowl certainly does *not* need to "soak," and it takes as little time to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher as it does to fill it up with water and leave it there.

[Lawyer Mama]

I will superglue the toilet seats down if I fall in one more time in the middle of the night.

[kyooty]

1. if I made it you eat it, I spent the time cooking the food, and I try to make things you like some of the time. Eat the damn food.
2. the house is not the Indianapolis 500, you are not a car, there is no need ever to run in the house!
That was just starters, I'm in the right mood to keep going but for some reason today I'd rather send them right to the dungeons!

[Patty]

Lawyer Mama,

I so agree this one. I have a 10 year old who cannot put it down. I know it's him...he is the only male in the house. And my partner thinks that I am so wrong when I wake up the whole house yelling in the middle of the night because my bottom has fallen into who knows what....(10 year old also has a problem with flushing....)

[Marjie]

When I say "no", it doesn't mean the floor is open to negotiation.

My favorite is "Your role, know it. Your mouth, shut it".

[Photos by Tammy]

In my house the rule would certainly need to be added that if you put something in the trash and it rolls off, it is definitely time to TAKE IT OUT. {{and please, please do not forget to add a new liner to the receptacle}}

Oh, and cleaning your room NEVER means take everything off the floor and dump it in the closet floor.

[Donna]

When you wash the dog you have to wash its BOTTOM too!

[Patti]

It is not my job to know where your stuff is at any given moment (even though I do)...keep track of your own crap.
when i say NO I mean it, keeping at me just makes me mad and spiteful.

there are more, but, I will leave it at that

[sabz]

Do not walk in the livingroom with shoes that leave marks on the floor.

Either wash your mug/bowl/spoon or put in dish washer. Do not leave in just-cleaned sink.

[lucy]

I am not the busgirl. Carry the dishes to the kitchen, to the sink, to the dishwasher.

Or your maid. For that matter, the dining room table and bay windows are not your personal cubby holes.

Or your personal secretary. It is not my responsibility to keep track of your personal life. You're a big boy, write on the calendar and then check back.

If the garbage is overflowing, take it out. If the garbage has already overflowed and you take it out, PICK UP THE SHIT THAT FELL ON THE FLOOR.

Doing the dishes means wiping down the counter. They're miniscule and it takes two seconds. Just do it and shut up.

Do not throw a tantrum because you have to turn off a game/music/tv show that you just started watching when it is already past your bedtime. I don't care. No, really, I don't care.

Telling me that I am an absolute dictator does not hurt my feelings. I do not feel badly when you invoke outrage at the lack of democracy in our home. Tough shit. Me adult; you child.

That's just off the top of my head....

[melissa]

clothes go IN THE CLOTHES HAMPER.
shoes go ON THE SHOE RACK.

its not rocket science, people.

[Patricia]

Ah here are mine:

1. Doing the dishes, does mean doing ALL the dishes. This is not limited to the ones that we ate off of at the table, but also includes the ones used in the preparation of said meal. It also includes those cans of soda/pop/coke that aren't 'technically' dishes, but have no business being on my table in the morning.

2. Mama's "No" ends the conversation, not starts one. If the next words out of your mouth are going to be anything other "Thank you for considering my request" Stuff it, because I'm not listening.

3. Whining will not be heard in this house. Like our dog who can only hear certain sounds, I've become deaf to all whining and thus I can't hear it. No request/beg will be granted if a whine was used.

4. Until further notice, all school papers will be reviewed once per week. Trash will go into the trash. If you think one of those papers is NOT in fact trash -- you must deal with it before I get to the pile.

5. I am not made of money. Not all requests for stuff will be granted. This will be ok with you -- even the tall guy who is older than me. (and no, we still aren't getting that damn xBox)

[Beth]

One in, one out. This applies to t-shirts, beer bottles in your "collection", and "projects" in the garage. Just because I am AWESOME at organizing your crap to keep the house functional and presentable, doesn't mean I enjoy it. Don't think I won't follow through and caller the A&E Hoarder folks for the damn garage. Stop. Acquiring.
What the ef are we going to do when we have kids?! There is *nowhere* to put them!!!

Whew. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest Carmen!!!
:)

[mary]

OMG my hubbie cant put his clothes in the hamper either? WHY? Because he is GOING TO wear them again! Does he? HELLS NO. Last summer every piece of clothing he owns was in a pile next to the bed (where I cant see it so I could stand this). Did he learn a lesson? Nope. He is 44 next weekend. There is no hope for him.

[Michele]

I'm not sure I appreciate your spying on my household. Ahem. I would add one thing.

If there is pee outside of the toilet, you are cleaning it up. I sit, I guarantee you it's not mine, but one of the three males living in this house.

[elz]

Funny, and true!
Add- to my Husband. Yes, I love you dearly, but pleas enotice that we have BOTH a washer AND a dryer. The doors open on both, please remove clothes after washing and put int he dryer and turn it ON. It's that little button that says "On."

GAH!