My Inner High School Girl

Mad, MAD props to Mrs.Chicken for that one. It was the MOST appropriate label I could use for myself today.

In a very short while, I'll be up on stage, spilling my guts.

I'm starting to get a wee bit nervous.

I'm at the Blissdom conference, and I've been invited to speak on the panel titled Balance. The description is as follows:

The infinite possibilities available to creative women online gives us grand disappointments and crazy conflicts along with wild success. Just when you think you’ve figured out a balance that works for you day-to-day and long term, it seems like more opportunities appear to push you off balance again!  Strategize how to make decisions to optimize the good and achieve your goals while also protecting your time, your home life, your health and your sanity.

And just why might I have been chosen to speak on this panel, with some amazing women that I am not worthy of being on the stage with? (Yeah, that sentence didn't end right. Forgive me. I'm tired. And stressed.)

I'm speaking because, just about a year ago, I had a small nervous breakdown. Not an enormous one, and you won't find much mention of it here on this blog. Many of my readers know bits and pieces of it, for I emailed those that requested the information, those who I count as friends, and those who offered to help. Having this blog, as well as my rock star hubby, was one of the things that kept me grounded, kept me sane, and helped me out of the hole. I've never really talked about the entire thing to anyone, except my husband, and my therapist - who I discharged before the summer. So it's been a while since I've even really consciously reflected on it, and I'm scared and nervous that I won't say what I want to say, and won't get across the point I am so serious about other women taking from this panel.

SuperWoman doesn't live here. 

Men don't have these issues, at least not to the extent that women do. And men's roles really haven't changed in eons - they've always been the hunters/gathers/providers since time began. They aren't expected to do everything that women are. Over the past 50 years, though, women have truly come a long way. As women, we are expected to be amazing employees, fearless leaders, mothers beyond reproach, porn star sex goddesses, Julia Child in the kitchen, Danica Patrick in the drivers seat and to do it ALL while never screaming, crying, yelling, being sick or tired, having cramps, or showing any difficulty in ANY WAY, wearing 4 inch heels and red lipstick.

I'm calling foul. I KNOW that I tried to do it all, tried to be it all - Mary Poppins with the kids and Donna Reed of the house, while training two marital arts, running 3+ miles a day, working two part time jobs and trying to grow my writing and blogging. All while my house was on the market and my husbands job was cutting pay and increasing hours and my kids fought constantly and I had NO help at home.

I crumbled. I fell. And I cried on the sofa for a month.

Not you. Not me again. Not another woman.

So I'm taking my heart in my hands, practicing my lamaze breathing, and going out on that stage. I'll probably make a fool of myself, for I'm FAR more eloquent here than I am in person - but I'm determined to try.

And I think I'm going to write a book about it.

For showing difficulty = weakness. We can't have that now, can we?

BTW, the surgery didn't work. Ugh. Today, of all days...

Comments

[Elizabeth]

So sorry to hear the surgery didn't work. Maybe the stress of speaking in the panel triggered it? I'm quite sure you will be spectactular!

[mrs. chicken]

You're going to be great! You are. Good for you for writing this. xoxox

[BeeBelle]

Oh, I wasn't feeling the high school girl part quite as much until I got to your last line - urgh! I know you will rock (or have rocked, by the time you read this) that panel because you will have the chance to speak from your heart.

[Headless Mom]

You know that i wish I was there with you...

I'm sure you rocked it!

[Domestic Extraordinaire]

first...why wasn't I following you on twitter & your blog? I spoke with you briefly last night (Mommystory's friend) But I just wanted to tell you that I am watching you in the panel now and you are doing such a fantastic job-thank you for sharing your life with us. For opening up to show others that they don't have to be super woman, its totally okay.

much love.....xoxo

[Patti]

amen sister!

[Nancy M.]

You totally nailed it! Thank you for sharing your story today. Enjoy a round of Diet Mountain Dew on me!

[Nicki]

You are one of my favorite people, which is weird I know because we don't actually "know" each other, but still. I think you got it exactly right.

Also, as far as the surgery not working, a friend of mine had to have it done twice before it finally worked, but now she is much, much happier.

[Beth]

I wish I could be there to hear you - this topic is SO relevent to all women today. Hope you feel better!

[Deborah]

I hope it went well and you feel comfortable with what you said!

[Marjie]

I know you will rock the house!

[mary]

know why I like you Carmen? B/c you are REAL. YOU will do great girl!!

{and btw get a mirena IUD; I dont have periods anymore. Keeping mine until menopause, I am on my third!}

[amy]

Carmen your speaking will be great. I wish I was there to be witness to your rockstar greatness.
Call the dr pronto about the issues. No reason to keep on keepin on when there are ways around it.
I can't wait to hear what you have to say on the other side of it!
Love you Carmen!

[addy]

You are more than capable of doing this - you will rock! Call the dr when you get back and try again. Do not suffer needlessly.

[kelly]

Praying for the Lord to give you strenght. Remember the fears we face can not defeat us.

[patois]

I bet you did great!

And I'm so sorry the surgery was a fail.

[kyooty]

remember to enjoy yourself while you are there. Sorry the surgery didn't work, I hope you brought LOTS of extras for you. hugs!

[mm]

Did you feel triumphant though, telling your story as a thing of the past?

Sorry to hear about your procedure being a bust. Move on up to the big H as I did and you will never have to worry about such things again! Ask me when you are ready!

[ali]

A topic near and dear to my heart... will there be a way to hear the sessions in the future? mp3 downloads or cds?

[Mary]

I think your honesty, and your sense of is what makes your blog great! I hope the panel discusssion went well.

[Gina]

I really hope the discussion went well. It drives me nuts how we do this to ourselves!

[UKCraftySal]

I hope it went well. You are a total winner whatever, because you have had the courage to do something scary...and everyone who heard you will have gained from the experience, because you speak from the heart.

So sorry to hear the surgery hasn't worked this time. Will be thinking of you and hoping your doc is helpful and understanding.

[Young Wife]

Darn! I was really hoping the surgery would help. Let us know how it went at Blissdom.

[Vicky]

So sorry your surgery didn't work. And I would definitely buy any book that you write!