Mom to the Screaming Masses: The Funniest Thing Happened at The Gym One Day

On Tuesday, day four of the Great Snowpocalypse of 2010, I had had enough. Everyone was fighting, wet clothes were tossed everywhere, dishes piled to the ceiling. I had to get out of the house. Had to do it. I called my friend Kristin and we concocted a plan. See, we work out together Monday/Wednesday/Friday mornings, and we'd missed more than we were comfortable with - what with being in the house with the kids and husbands and the wet clothes and the piles of unmatched socks and gloves - and we bolted.

We walked to the gym. It was 1/2 of a mile for me to get to her house and then it was a mile plus a little bit for us to get there. We went through snow and ice, were almost driven off the road by crazy drivers who drove WAY too fast and splashed us with dirty ice water - but we walked. It was glorious. Cold, slushy and invigorating.

As an aside, I was very grateful for the Doc Marten boots that I bought on Ebay for $25 a year ago. They REALLY came in handy.

So we arrived, and I began to work with weights. She went over to the bikes, and after an hour, we met back up. I was ready to go, but the very last exercise that I do every time is the pull up assist. I am DETERMINED to master those stupid pull ups. I went to the machines - there are two - and while one was in full use, the other was occupied by a seated man.

I'd noticed him before because after each weight set, he shadow boxed. Being a student of Muay Thai, I'm pretty hyper focused on boxing and stuff, and I wondered if this guy, who definitely looked the part, might have been in training for a fight. He looked a bit conceited, being that he watched every move he made in the mirrors. So when I approached the machine, I asked, first, "Are you using this machine?"

Pretty basic, right? I mean, I'm married, I'm not scoping people out, and, to be honest, as much as my husband worries about it - no one, and I mean NO ONE, has ever tried to pick me up at the gym. Ever. I've not had a conversation ONE with any guy that made me think they were hitting on me. So when I asked if he was using the machine, my intent was to, you know, use that machine. He jumped up, bowed, swept his arm towards the machine and said, "We can work together, Mami. After you."

Um, ok. Whatever. He stood there and watched me for a minute, and it made me nervous, so to make conversation I asked if her was training for a fight. I guess that he misunderstood me, because his eyes sharpened, and he said, "You looking for a trainer? I can always train you." Uh, no, not what I asked, and I clarified.

"No, I meant are you training for a fight? I noticed you shadow boxing, and since I'm training Muay Thai, I wondered if you were. That's all."

"No, no, pretty lady. I'm a bouncer. Where do you train?"

I mentioned my studio and he asked if I knew of another place, which happens to be our biggest competitor. I indicated yes, and he asked if I wanted to train there - he'd get me in for free. No, thanks. He remarked that I looked tough and strong and he'd stay out of my way, because I could kick his butt. The creep factor was starting to ick me out and I got a little uncomfortable. Not only that, but get out of my way, dude - I'm trying to work. Thankfully, my friend came around the corner - thankfully for ME and not for her, for he latched on to her.

"I've got the most beautiful daughter in the world. Let me show you pictures!" he crowed, and whipped out his phone.

I looked at Kristen, and she replied, "Well, we've all got kids, so we are kind of biased towards our own." But he didn't listen and began to go through his pictures, giving her the lineage of his daughter - he classified himself as a SEXY combination of several ethnic backgrounds. I was desperately trying to eek out the pull ups so we could get the heck out of there - and he rolled through the pictures, chatting on and on about his daughter and her gorgeous mother and how incredibly beautiful his little girl was - and all of a sudden, I heard this.

"Oh, sorry. That's the picture of my Rolex. Haha - it's $20,000 and you can't get them anymore."

At that point, I looked at Kristen, decided I was DONE, and she jumped up on to the machine. Probably to get away from The Charmer. I ignored him, she did her pull ups, and we got out of there as fast as we could. We barely managed to keep from hysterical laughter until we were outside.

To sum up, he smelled bad, was overly interested in my business, stared at me, was conceited enough to think only his child was beautiful - and had pictures of his Rolex to show us. Which meant, to me, either he didn't have it any more and it was pawned or he never had it and was a poser.

Or just a creep. Yeah, I'm going with that one. But that Rolex DID look pretty sweet.