Revenge: A Tale in Two Parts

Part the First:

When my children grow up and move out into their own places of residence, I hereby pledge to always do the following:

• creep into their rooms and stand by the side of the bed. I won't say anything, just stare - until the presence of my body alerts them and they awaken with a scream
• drop food under the enormous kitchen table and make them clean it up by crawling on their hands and knees
• Use all of the toilet paper and never replace it
• Same for the paper towels
• And the dish soap and the milk
• Never ever cover anything in the microwave and be blind to the splatters that become concrete
• Leave my dirty socks shoved under the computer desk
• Leave the new loaf of bread open and hanging off the end of the shelf, so that, in the morning, they will wake up to 3/4 of a loaf on the floor - stale as a brick
• And always, ALWAYS forget to flush the toilet

Part the Second:

I bought new, non Method Peppermint-Vanilla soap for myself. I've only been using that soap, and I mixed some hydro cortisone with Cerave (thanks for the many reminders on the wonders of this lotion - both the lotion and the HC to mix it with have been recommended for my kids that have eczema, and I'd forgotten about it!). My hands are almost back to normal from the severe cracking and bleeding that I experienced, thanks to the brutally cheap and very drying jumbo bottle of soap that my husband bought. He scoffed at me and has continued to use his soap, deliberately passing my lovely soap over. He claimed I was too fussy and high maintenance. "It's just SOAP. Use what we have, don't buy anything new. We don't have the extra money to waste on frills."

Yeah. Whatever, dude.

While we were out walking today, he asked me how my hands were, and remarked that his hands were really feeling awful. I looked at his hands. They were cracked and peeling - and looked a WHOLE LOT like mine from just a short time ago.

It was all I could do to hold back the hysterical laughter.

And immediately upon our arrival home, I went online and ordered a 6 pack of My Precious from Amazon.

Payback's a bitch, yo.

Comments

[amie]

I pledge to leave huge gobs of toothapaste in the sink at my kids houses when they become adults. I will also leave my underwear in the exact spot on the floor where I take them off.I will also say "ewww gross" & " disgusting" whenever they prepare a meal for me. I will also giggle whenever I burp or fart instead of saying excuse me.

[The Only Girl]

Great list! But I would also add "rub toothpaste all over the sides of the sink a let it dry there."

[Beth]

And of course I'll empty their shampoo bottles and make a mixture of water and gooey bar soap to use instead.

[Lesli]

I think I'll just leave every bottle of shampoo open and emptying into the drain after I use all of the hot water with the curtain open just enough so that a huge amount of water collects on the bathroom floor and cools into a chilly lake to greet the unwary socked foot. This after I leave the cereal out and open so it gets stale, the milk out so it warms and spoils, and the dishes left for the resident maid to clear away, of course. ;)

[Misa]

This is hilarious!!!!

[Laura H]

When my almost 4 year old son grows up, I pledge to say "Jaydon, Jaydon, Jaydon" EVERY two minutes, all day long, to tell him I want something, or ask for something, or request food... more frequently if he's trying to do something that requires actual thought. And when my 8 year old daughter grows up, I will not get off the bus at my stop one day, just to watch the heart attacks that ensue. LOL Can you tell it has been a looooong day??

[Patti]

hmmm, how about
I will use an inappropriately loud voice when people are still sleeping.
I will start a craft project RIGHT before we need to leave the house that involves cutting up a clean white piece of paper into a million shards.
I will ask the same (or variation of) question over and over and over regardless of what the answer was.
I will find ridiculous reasons to ague with ANYONE all the time.
I will eat food off their plate... especially if it is their favorite thing and all that is left is what they have in front of them.

[Patti]

also....I will get up at an obscene hour and loudly demand some breakfast then when they finally give in and get up to get it for me I will refuse to eat it until right before we need to go out. then cry two minutes later that I am starving.

[mary]

I will walk all over the house with muddy shoes on and THEN SAY IT WASNT ME! Cant wait!

[heidi]

Just a comment to Laura H: You can do that to Jaydon when he's a teen. Will drive him nuts!

[Bobbie]

I will drink all but one sip of milk out of the gallon of milk and put it back in the refrigerator.

[Laura H]

LMAO Heidi... what a GREAT idea!

[elz]

Too true. Why is it that they forget the flushing?! Augh. At least they wash their hands though.

[kalisa]

Can you give us the link to this miracle soap? For years I've bought the Kroger Lemongrass & Basil because it's cheap and I like the way it smells. It never occurred to me that changing soaps could prevent all this cracking & bleeding. X

[sharilyn]

I can solve one (but only one) of the above dilemmas. If you want them to remember to flush the toilet, simply have them clean (THOROUGHLY) the entire toilet each and EVERY time they forget to flush. My youngest brother once spent a few weeks with us. He never remembered to flush at home. I warned him of my rule. He forgot. Once. My kids know this rule and they never forget.

[sharilyn]

I, on the other hand, will leave all their lights on. In every room of their house. (Does anyone have a method of correcting this one? Maybe using their allowance to pay the electric bill???????)

[Issa]

Nah, you don't even need to do that...I mean it seems like a lot of work to go to six separate houses and do this. Just hope that each of them has children. :)

[Katherine]

I'm going to put chicken wing bones (still on the plate) in a dresser drawer. Under some clean clothes. I'm going to call them and tell them I forgot something and tell them to please bring it to me immediately. I'm going to make inappropriate or offensive jokes in front of their mother. Wait, that would be me... but you get the point. And I can't wait to go number two in my pants, take the pants off and leave them open spread eagle on the floor right in front of the toilet. Yea, that's gonna be a GOOD one.

[kyooty]

insert evil laughter... love it!!! :)

[kyooty]

I'm here for sharilyn up there, light bulbs? either remove them, or when they are "Dead" don't replace them for a week, because they would have lasted a week longer if they weren't left on? I guess that's a bit extreme

[mm]

I am going to sneak into my children's rooms when they have "their own place" and leave some food article in a random spot, like under the sofa or the drawer of the computer desk. And I will giggle to myself as I imagine them searching for the source of that horrid smell.

[Jodie]

I will get really wet and muddy then come inside and take all my clothes off and leave them right in front of the door.
I will never, ever put my dirty clothes in a hamper.
I will pee all over the toilet and floor as often as possible.
I will be slower than dirt when trying to get out the door on time.
I will wake up in the middle of the night begging for chocolate milk and not quit screaming until I get it.

I could go on, but you get the idea!

[Sabz]

Too funny... All of you :))

[amie]

ugggh- hate the pee all over the toilet

[Kait]

I'm going to argue with every.single.thing that comes out of their mouth. I'm also going to take markers to their walls and clothing, use crayons on their cell phones, and any time they are eating I will push my plate away and demand theirs, even if we have the same thing.

Oh! And I'm going to crawl in to their beds at 5 in the morning and stick my cold feet on their bare stomachs.