I Can't Write About This On My Blog

PSST - check out Scrutiny, where I'm giving away some amazing gifts, including Visa gift cards, a Picnic Basket and an AfterSchool Packet! You might need to scroll down a bit, but there's great stuff to be found!

While I'm away enjoying the surf and sand of Grand Cayman - thank you SO much to my husband's job for allowing us to have this wonderful vacation - please enjoy this gues post provided by Ashley of A Young Wifes Tale.

My husband, David and I have been married for three years. Two years ago, David was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. The doctors felt that they’d caught it early, and that he’d be in remission soon. A year later he was worse. Much worse. There were times when he was bedridden, and I had to bathe him. He is more stable now, but due to his chronic illness and the medications he takes to keep his arthritis under control, we are currently unable to have children.

And we want them so badly. At parties with friends, we fight over who gets to hold babies. David even did a cost/benefit analysis of cloth diapers. In spite of this urge to procreate, I’d been handling it pretty well.

Until my stupid kid brother got his girlfriend pregnant.

It ate me alive that he was going to give my parents their first grandchild and not me. That God would bless him with a child. Kid Brother didn’t even have the nerve to tell my parents! His girlfriend’s father called my father. How could Kid Brother be a decent father?

I struggle with guilt over the whole situation. Why am I angry with my brother? It’s not like he did this to me. What kind of a person am I to be so jealous?  Do I really think my parents are going to love my future children less than kid brother’s child?

Then one of my other brothers told me that Kid Brother was worried about my reaction. Like he thought I was going to preach a sermon to him about abstinence or something. Then I felt even more guilt. I hadn’t seen kid brother or spoken to him on the phone, so I sent him a text message that simply said, “I love you.”

He replied with a text that said, “I love you, too!”

A few days later I actually got to see him in person. David and I bought him a book, and it’s a book I can’t imagine buying for anyone but him. It’s called Oh Crap, I’m Having a Baby!

He loved it! We laughed as he flipped through it and read about meconium. I asked him not to show it to his girlfriend. She’s a very sweet girl, and well, it’s very irreverent.

Kid brother is 20, in school, working part time and still living at home. So is his girlfriend. At least they’re not in high school, right?

You might be thinking, “Kid Brother is going to have a hard time now, providing for this child. He’ll have to face the consequences of his actions.”

Probably not. His girlfriend’s parents are fairly well off, so money won’t be much of an issue. Girlfriend has good health insurance, so there are no worries there. And Kid Brother is manipulative and charismatic. He gets people to do things for him. He might never even have to change a diaper.

You might say, “Oh, congratulations! You’re going to be an aunt!”

Well, thanks, but actually, I am already an aunt. My sisters-in-law have children. I adore my nieces and nephews. Each year David and I put tons of money and effort into their Christmas and birthday presents.

But…so far I have absolutely no desire to buy this baby anything. More guilt. I am a bad aunt.

A few weeks after all of this, my husband accepted a job in New Jersey and we moved there from Texas. Although we would have liked to have stayed in Texas with our friends and family, it has been nice being a little more removed from the situation.

I still feel so much jealousy, guilt and frustration over the whole situation. I hope that this turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to kid brother. I hope that this situation causes him to become a mature, responsible adult.  And maybe this situation will shape me into a better, less jealous sister, and an amazing aunt.

Comments

[addy]

It is tough I am sure. You will get there eventually. Hang in there.

[Kalisa]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I imagine the frustration and powerlessness you feel from your husband's illness needs an outlet. I suspect it's not so much that you're personally angry about your brother's news, so much as it's an opportunity for a lot of previously "stuffed" emotions to come bubbling to the surface.

Emotions are God-given. Give yourself permission to FEEL them — whatever they are — and then give yourself permission to move on. You're going to be okay. X

[Kait]

I was bitterly angry when my childhood best friend/cousin got pregnant twice in two years from two different guys. It was much the same situation in that she didn't have to grow up. Her parents were well off and paid for everything. She managed to pawn the kids off on anyone who would take them. And there stood me, and my husband, desperate for a family and unable to get pregnant.

It's an ugly feeling and I have no advice. I just know that in the middle of it, I wished someone had told me "I know how you feel and it's okay to feel that way."

So. I know how you feel. And it is okay to feel that way.

[Donna]

My husband and I were married 12 years before we got pregnant. Our miracle son was our sixth attempt at IVF. When my sister got pregnant with her second child- straight after one of our failed attempts, she got our mother to break the news to me. Of course I acted glad and happy (which I was) but after I got off the phone I cried for hours. I know how you feel. But I don't think it's guilt you feel- it's just a sense of unfairness and you are most understandably sad. This too shall pass and when you and your husband are able, a baby will come to bless you and your life will be even more complete than it is now. My thoughts are with you.

[Gina]

We tried on and off for 3 years to get pregnant. For a year there I was surrounded by pregnant friends and relatives. I have 4 nieces and nephews who are 2 right now. But the hardest were some of the parents of students I worked with at school. They were barely parenting the kids they had and were having more. It was so frustrating!
It's okay to feel how you feel.

[Elizabeth]

I'm infertile & we had several failed IVF's. In the middle of this my hubby's nephews' got their girlfriends pregnant just out of high school. I had to attend baby showers full of teenage moms & act nice. It was not pretty when I got home. I so totally get where you are coming from!

And it is OK to have these feelings. There is no shame nor guilt attached to them. It isn't fair, it is ok to be jealous & bitter, & it will work out in the end. It just takes time & honestly (for me at least) removing myself from the situation for awhile.

I still get ticked off at how my SIL/BIL made it so easy for their boys & their girlfriends. They let them live with them, paid for everything, & basically parented the babies. While neither of the parents worked or went to school!

We have a son now (adopted) but I still have negative feelings sometimes towards my nephews & their families. It is what makes us human. And to be honest, I'm okay with it.

[Katherine]

Has your husband been tested for Lyme?

[joy smith]

I know what you mean a baby is such a blessing and so many people don't take them that way.

[mm]

It took us for freaking ever to get pregnant. We.did.everything. I won't bore you with the details but in the end it was no longer fun. when we finally did get pregnant I was about 12 weeks along when I finally accepted it and told people. The next bloody week my sister called and told me that she was having a baby. An unplanned pregnancy with an idiot of a boyfriend. I could not have been more mad with her for stealing my thunder.

And I have never admitted that fact until just now. Even though that child is 16.

I guess I am just human like everybody else.

[Kerri Sweeris]

Wow. Thanks for sharing this...I totally get it. Before we had Jacob, when I couldn't have a child because of MY health, everywhere I looked people were pregnant. Teenage girls. Drug addicted women. It seemed everywhere I looked I saw child abuse, drug addicted babies, and so on. Then, my NIECE got pregnant. My NIECE!! I thought I would die. I put on a happy face, but I just cried and cried. It seemed so unfair.

All I can say is that I agree with what some of the others have said. It's SO okay that you feel that way. It's natural. I don't think it's sin, and I don't think you're a bad sister. I think you're an amazing young lady who wants very badly to be a mom. And WHEN the time comes, and it will, God will bless your socks off.
Loveyou.

[Young Wife]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words!