Friendship, Friendship

One day, I will buy the entire set of I Love Lucy episodes.

I do not have a lot of friends.

That may or may not be a surprise to you. 

I've never been one of the "popular" people. Never been part of the "in" crowd, the group of people that decides the fate of the others, the people who sway the crowd. I'm kind of an outsider.

But that's not to say that I haven't tried.

For years, I tried my hardest to fit in with specific groups. I joined the Catholic Homeschool group, even though I didn't homeschool, simply because they seemed to be a group of nice, conservative women - who turned out to be extra Judgey McJudgerson and, well, it ended badly.

I don't seem to fit in with many of the moms at school, simply because a) I have more kids than almost all b) I have kids in high school and so most of the little kid stuff goes under my radar c) and I just plain old don't fit the mold. I don't fit in, really, at the martial arts school because a) hello, I am no longer 23 and b) it's tough to be the parent in the parent role and then switch to the student role. It's been tough to make friends when I was overwhelmed with two babies back to back and then Riley's diagnosis tossed me into oblivion for a good long while. I'm not a "hang out at the coffee shop" kind of gal, I'm too broke to shop recreationally (although, hello, we could shop the grocery together! Gee, what a draw I am!), and my kids are going in all different directions all at the same time, which means that I'm often absent from games/practices. I arrive to drop off and pick up. I'm often quiet until I get to know you, which can be misconstrued as standoffish.And I've heard from more than one person that the fact that I have a tattoo on my neck can be off putting. (Yo. Gangsta me!)

Hello. This is about me. Not about you. I'm not taking ANYONE to task, except myself. 

I have a tendency to be loud. I talk over people in my quest to show empathy and understanding. I overshare. I overcall. I overEVERYTHING. Plus, having a blog, people often shy away from me because they don't want to end up in the blog. Totally understandable.

But I can be a good friend. I think. I'm pretty lonely, so I'm going to try.

So this past month, I've really made an effort to stick myself out there - hello, anxiety and ouch, my stomach ache! - and make a couple of new friends. A couple of the best friends a girl could have I've met through this blog (darnit! a couple of you don't have blogs!) - but having a local friend makes all the difference in the world. Someone to chat with while punching the bag, or talk to at dismissal time. Someone to invite over to swim this summer, chat on the phone with, have over for drinks.

I am considerate, I think. I am kind. I am funny - and fun to be with, I think. (I have a HECK of a time when I go to Baker Street to dance to The DeLorean's - if you are local, hit me up and I'll add you to our list on the 29th. It's a slam barrel of a great time, and I'd love it if you'd join me.)

Gah. My stomach hurts just posting this. AGAIN, all about me, and so not taking ANYONE to task.

Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have just one or two that are really close to you? How do you handle the friendship dance?

Comments

[Headless Mom]

I don't really have many friends either. (Yay us that we have each other!) I did at one time but marriage and family has made it more difficult. I have made a few friends that have kids around my kids age and that helps on Fridays when you want to have a happy hour, but I still don't have anyone to go shopping with or out to coffee, etc. I tried to turn a blogger relationship into a friendship once and just ended up feeling like an ass since I was completely ignored. Doesn't help that it was local, either. So, to sum up this ridiculously long comment, most of my friends are long distance, like you. I guess that means we were 'meant' for each other? ;-)

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

What Headless Mom said (who happens to be a good friend of mine, too, YAY!) as sappy as this is going to sound, my husband is my bff.

Garth (not his real name) is the only one who's stuck by my, for almost 20 years now, and, well, he's weird like that, which is why I love him ;)

Save a hug for me at BlogHer (you going, right?)

[Julia]

If I think someone is cool, I will ask them for their email or phone number and invite them over or what have you (I have little kids, there's a lot of "what have you") even if I don't really know them. I have also discovered that what this sometimes means is that I introduce friends to each other and they become friends, but leave me out. This has actually happened a lot, and I only know this because I see the mom's weekends on FB, and I see the kids' birthday parties and realize I wasn't invited. That used to piss me off a lot (because they would never have even met if I hadn't put myself out there like an overzealous, stalker-y fool, to invite people into the fold), but then I realized, "their loss." Like you, I'm loud and funny (or not, depending on your sense of humor) and sometimes awkward, but I am a really good friend. I'm just not for everyone.

So what I realized is that I will attempt to befriend anyone I think is cool. A lot of times they're not interested, but oh well: it's only been through rather herculean effort, and a fair bit of rejection, but I do have a group of lady friends right now, and they're the best. The dozens who have blown me off? Whatevs. I see them around, and am friendly, and it does break my heart to see groups that I was once sort of part of, but oh well.

[Nicki]

I don't have a lot of friends, either. Actually, as of this move, not really any friends here. I also tend to be the one who doesn't quite fit in, and I am introverted?, shy?, anxious? so it takes me a while to feel comfortable with someone and then I'm pretty sure the person is all "would she shut up already." :) Add to that moving every 3 years, children with issues, etc. so it makes it really hard. I'm glad you have found some new friends to hang out with, for it really does make things much better to know there is someone to talk to and just be silly with.

[Karen]

I'm of the friendless persuasion too, but that's mainly by choice. I have a couple really good friends, and there are friends/acquaintances I chat with at the pool and stuff, but I really am an introvert who appears to be an extrovert so I'd just rather most of the socializing.

[Annika]

I am incredibly blessed in the friendship department. I feel so very lucky, and I wish I could remember it more instead of pining for people who are not my friends. I don't know that I will ever outgrow the little girl I was, who had no friends.

I wish you and I lived close by, because I suspect we would be great friends.

[Elizabeth Koziel]

I have a few, dear friends - ones I can call for ANYthing (but seldom do, and then they take me to task for not calling/ :P) My 2 sisters are my best friends - and three other women...other than that, I am on my own. Well, dear hub and kids. I am weird in that, I too can be loud, laugh a lot, and over think things, spiritual (love being Catholic but won't force it on anyone - but won't change that for NO one.) -- have mid-aged kids and then a 2yo, and am older (46) -- so I am happy where I am at and who I with. I am not in to being in a social scene as SO many are, I don't care who snubs me. I am finally getting comfortable in my skin and wish I had been so 10 years ago. Ah - hindsight. I love that video (they are such awful singers - together ;-)) -- and you, Carmen. Been reading you since you came on the scene... I had no idea your tattoo was on your neck! I have wanted one, and a nose piercing but will likely do neither one. Hugs - and I wish I was local to you, I think we would annoyingly love one another! LOL!

[kyoot]

I've only been in this town for 7yrs, I'm having a hard time branching out. I have 2-3 very good friends, and 1 friend I hardly see and another friend that has moved on so to speak. We broke up but we don't talk about it and we don't mention it but pretend to be comfortable when I say "'hi" . ick! I don't fit in here, I'm not french, which doensn't help. I seem to live in the "french" end of town so to speak, but not. The judgey muchdoms don't make life easy and then sometimes, I think that maybe they aren't judging it's my insecurities that are making me think I'm being judged. As the kids get older though I'm trying. My biggest flaw in the friend department is that I'm too nice? and get walked on :(

[Wendy E]

I have a few really close friends, and a LOT of acquaintances. Some that I think would make great friends, some....not so much. My husband is my best friend, with my mother close behind. I have one super close friend that I would call for anything, and believe it or not, one high school friend that I haven't talked to in over a year, but I know I could call her for absolutely anything and she would be there. I too am loud and funny, and overzealous a lot of the time. I am also very good at hiding hurt feelings, and very very good at hiding when I am uncomfortable about something. Maybe too good at times, so much that I end up getting walked on also.

I wish you were local, I have a feeling we would be great friends.

Oh, although I don't have a blog, I also have a bunch of extremely close friends that I only know through the computer.

[amanda]

I totally understand what you are saying. I am terrible at making new friends, however, I have several close friends that are lifelong friends, so I can relate to and connect with the right people. I am terrible at the high school clique stuff and I'm kind of done with having my feelings hurt. Sometimes it makes me sad, though not to have more friends.

[Sandra]

i have life long friends that would go to the ends of the earth for me and me for them, but they live 3 hours away in another city. we get together every couple of months and keep in contact thru e-mail, text, FB and phone calls.

my day to day friends aren't lifers but friends. some are friends thru my husband. our go out couple friends, my mom group friends, my friends from my old job, and neighborhood friends. all of these local friends aren't besties. my besties are in another city. i also have online friends. friends that i've known for over 8 years, and chat w/ on a daily basis. i wished i had bestie that was close and in the same city. over the years i've had close friends and then been dropped on 2 occasions. talk about feeling rejected. it was middle/high school all over again. LOL

my husband has a ton of friends. he is that guy that everyone liked in high school. he makes friends everywhere he goes, and tends to know someone everywhere we go. we tend to hang w/ his friends on weekends.

[Kerry]

I could have written this post...I've experienced it exactly the same. The good friends that I have made locally all work, while I'm home, and when they are available after work they want to spend time with their kiddos that they haven't seen all day...understandable, but it makes for a lonely me.

If we could hang out at the grocery, that would be my ideal friend date night! :)

[amie]

Hmmmm, I have lots of people I am friendly with and hang out with. However, I have about four I really click with- those r the ones I text throughout the day, trade carpooling of kids with, shop with and occasionally let them see me with no make up or worse yet in a swimsuit(ugh!).Even a few of these don't know the issues I struggle with. I hope that if we lived closer to one another we could be friends, or maybe I am just a delusional blog stalker-eek! Anyway, I am Catholic Mom of kids in catholic school,chatty, caring & often cuss like a sailor. I think I am funny & fun & I have two tatoos :)

[Tammy]

Your post strikes a cord with me and I can so relate. Yes I have friends, but someone I can count on to share with, laugh with, and have over to just hang out at the pool...no. Not anymore. The friendship dance is a hard dance. From judgement in parenting, marriage, and everything else in life it's hard to find true friendship. I have friends that have been long-lasting friends I can count on, but they are no longer local. Makes for some lonely times when you're in the mood to hang withe the gals. I'm still suffering the scars of the recent loss of a very close friend who wasn't who I thought she was and chose not to be friends with me anymore, which makes me leary to search for new ones. If I had a bestie who lived in the same town I'd so even enjoy hanging out at the grocery store! lol
Hang in there Carmen, I'm thinking we are going to be surprised how many of us are out there feeling these same things.

[Brandy]

I don't have friends. Well, let me clarify. I have friends I've met online but never met in person. And while I want them to know me, I keep part of myself separate. In real life I am uber shy and only when I am in a comfortable place of position do I open up, and then? I open up to much and try too hard to be liked. So much so it's probably off-putting. *sigh* My best wishes are that you find good friends. And maybe one of these years there will be hope for me.

[addy]

Wow, we are all the same person! I have a few good friends that I don't see as often as I like. Ihave one friend from for life that I haven't seen in years. We talk and email. "Julia's" post sounds like a good plan. Mostly HUBBING is my friend. Ya, I know kinda corny.

[mm]

I am having a helluva week- ever have one of those? hahaha. But I hear ya loud and clear. I don't hang with a big crowd, I am 29 like you, I can't stand for socialites who do the coffee shop thing, and I do spend a huge amount of time taxiing my kids around. I don't have a blog but I do Facebook. And all I can say about a tattoo that puts people "off" is "Is it ugly?" lol

[Jessica]

It took me 33 years of my life to find a very best friend and I know that some people never have a friend you can talk to about anything.

I grew up an outcast, no friends. In high school I was mean and bipolar - no friends. Navy wasn't too bad I have a few friends from there...

I have made more friends after 35 than I have my entire life.

I might have to blog about this...
thanks!

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

Most of my friends are actually my husband's friends. He is definitely the social butterfly of our family. I think it has to do with the type of personalities we have, his is more people oriented whereas mine is more task oriented. That is why I think having a blog is a great way for a busy Mom can express herself and have adult interaction...when it is convenient for her.

[Denise]

Jeepers how did you know what I was just blubbing in the shower about? Best place for it.. sigh..

[chrissie]

i have 2 friends. One I met when we were 4 and the other I met in Grade 10. Both live a 6+ hour drive away from me. I talk to neither on a regular basis due to being busy with work and kids and other crap.

that being said, we are travelling the aforementioned 6+ hours next week to spend the weekend with my friend of 33 years. and while that will be nice, yeah, i wish i had more than casual acquaintances in the city i live in.

[hollywood housewife]

I have dear, wonderful friends from my hometown and my college days, but they're all 1500+ miles away from me. I spent the first, oh, 7 or so years in Los Angeles lamenting the fact that friends here were so much harder to come by.

But I just said to my husband last night that I feel like I'm finally hitting a decent stride in the friendship department. My effort hasn't changed that much (I always tried hard, just not with the right people), something just seems to have finally "clicked." Part of it is from making a few friends online, part of it is weeding certain people out, and part of it is a book club I started.

Still, it took me NINE years.

[Shelley]

Yep, I am in the same boat. Too bad we don't all live in the same area - we could form our own kick-ass 'Don't Have No Friends' club!

I have a few close friends that live back home (way, far away), but only have a couple friends where I live now, and don't see them very much anyway. I worked until my daughter was born 4 years ago, and then went into a major culture shock/postpartum hormone blow out/shy girl episode once she was born & I became a stay at home mom. And I can't seem to break out of that shy girl crap now. I know I'm a great friend & a hell of a lot of fun, but can't seem to make a friend to save my life! WTF that silliness?!?

I try on the playground, but end up feeling like a total wack-job when I get blank looks coming back at me. Do I smell? I try to subtly smell my pits, and don't think so. Although, smelling my pits on the playground may be part of the problem. Drat.

Anyway, keep your chin up. I'm new to your blog, but I think your aces. I'd totally talk to you on the playground!

[Jenn]

I am really, really lucky in that I have a lot of friends and I've had most of them for years and years. I'm one of those people that once I make friends with you, I keep ya. I very rarely don't stay friends with someone once we become close (don't think I have lost a friend since high school). I make friends easily BUT as much as I love them, and they would do anything for me and vice versa, I actually don't see any of them very often since they all work outside the home and I my hubby works nights so I can't go out. I love them though and I'm soooo glad to have them.

[maggie]

Great post and I can totally relate. I have friends and people I can casually hang out with but I so long for a friend that I don't have to edit myself with. I also made it a goal of mine to get out there more and see if I could meet more like minded people. But, man, I notice that the older people get the more closed they are to new relationships. It's understandable, we get set in our ways. I keep looking....