Yet Another Post Where I Ramble on About My Body and Its Many Flaws (And Strengths)

Let's not forget the strengths.

Hi. This is going to be rambling and depressing and I almost certainly should have placed it on Elff - but that site is no more, unless I decide to revive it. And I'm too lazy to do so right now, so you get my insane ramblings here. Aren't you glad you stopped by? This is all directed AT ME, so please, don't be offended. Seriously.

I think I'm body dysmorphic. I have no idea, no REAL idea, what I look like.

Well, no. That's not true. I know what I look like. I just don't know if it's good or bad.

So, a long time ago, I thought I looked pretty good. I mean, sure, I was heavy, but I really didn't know HOW heavy, and besides, I'd had six kids and one should expect to be a certain size by that number and on and on until I realized that I weighed more than 210 pounds and decided to lose weight.

And I did. I lost 80 pounds, going from a size 18/20 to a 2/4. Going from a XXL top to a S. At that time, I was absolutely RIGOROUS with my diet choices, logging everything, obsessing over calorie counts and fat grams and not eating more than 1400 calories a day. I exercised at a minimum of three hours a day.

I couldn't sustain it. There was no way. The entire effort exhausted me and I just could not keep going at that frantic of a pace. And I didn't think that I looked all THAT thin, but many people told me that it was just too much weight lost.

Then I tore my calf muscle and put on some weight and I had a miscarriage (one year ago) and I put on a bit more. I never gave up my exercise - I love me some MMA training and Boxing class is a true and utter devotion - but I stopped going to the personal trainer - he was annoying me quite badly and, see also, expensive and no money. So, upshot of it is, I'm up about 15-20 pounds.

And I'm mostly ok with that. I no longer wear a 2-4, now more like a 6-8, but I have size 4 pants that fit comfortably and size 10 pants that I struggle to zip. I bought a dress online that was a M and I had to return it because it looked like a tent. I bought a shirt and skirt at Sears  - both M - and they were too big as well. But then I went to a clothing exchange last night and everyone that I thought was MUCH bigger than me wore clothes that I wouldn't have even tried on. And things I thought would fit clearly didn't, like a whole set of size 6 and 8 pants.It was a overwhelmingly depressing evening and I left feeling like crap about myself - when I'd felt pretty slim on the way over.

I, suddenly, no longer know if I'm classified as thin or heavy, "normal" (whatever THAT loaded word means) or odd.

I take an hour, killer, class 5-6 days a week. I try to walk/run combo 3 days a week. I can probably (certainly) ramp that up now that school will be out in a week (hold me, Internetz!) I have started trying to make 45 minutes of Crossfit mornings a week.

My legs are solid. Thick. Very muscled. They will never be slim, but, dudes, they are STRONG. At Crossfit this week we did THREE sets of this:

• 1 minute ball slams with a 12 pound medicine ball
• 1 minute wall ball - tossing the ball up against the wall and catching it in a squat and repeating - with the same 12 pound weight ball
• 1 minute 2 handed kettle bell squats with a 22 pound kettle bell
• 2 minute rest

And followed it with a 4 minute sets of Thrusters - squats with overhead presses with 10 pounds weights for 20 seconds, rest for ten with both weight at chest level, repeat. And I did all of the exercises and followed up with P90X Ab Ripper - and then died. But I did it. I'm strong.

Strong like bull. But that equates to a certain level of muscle, which equates to a certain level of bulk. And I think I'm ok with it. I WANT to be able to work hard. WANT to succeed at incredibly tough workouts. I just don't think I'll ever be slim again and I miss that.I know how to fix that -  I could be better with my diet. I know that I eat too much of the wrong things - but, damnit, sometimes you just NEED some French Fries or nachos, and a life ignoring cupcakes just might as well not be lived. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink every day or even once a week - but I'm not going to avoid having a few drinks if I'm out with friends, no matter how high the calorie count may be. I've worked hard to get down to a reasonable weight - and I (most of the time) feel ok about myself. I'm no longer avoiding being seen in a bathing suit. I can carry my 50 pound kid down the steps and can walk 8 miles. I can make it through boxing class in better shape than lots of people.

And I'll not wear this bathing suit in public again, but I'm putting these pics on here so that I can have a point of reference. NOT to make anyone feel bad about themselves, or feel awesome that "Thank God I don't look like her!" but in hopes that , maybe, one day, I can see myself how others see me.

And know that I'm ok. Pudge over the waistband be damned.

 

Comments

[kyooty]

Yeah girl you look great. You have done the work and you're doing the lifetime of challenge it takes to keep it healthy. I would think you are about a size 6. But you kow those sizes? they re vanity sizes. I have a pair of size 18 pants I wore before I got married 15years ago, and they fit, and then I have a pair of size 10 pants I wore 6yrs ago and I can almost zip them up. I also have some size 14's that are "pants on the ground" and some 11's that are comfy. It's all meant to screw with our minds. LOL

[Tish]

I'd be please and proud to look that good in that bathing suit! It sounds like you're doing all the right things. And sizes really are screwy--I never buy anything in a label I don't know without trying it on. You can never tell. And I'm really bad about realizing how large/small other people are. I remember going to WW one time with a girl whom I though was really big. I happened to glimpse her weight in her booklet and she (who was a few inches taller than I) weighed several pounds less than I did. Maybe fitness does have something to do with our perceptions.

[Thumper]

You have my goal body. Please to hand it over... ;)

I let my weight get up considerably higher than you did, and even after losing 50 I still have 35 or so more to go. I am finding that sizes mean *nothing,* even if you go by the waist size in jeans. A size 34 waist in a Levis 569 jeans isn't the same as a size 34 in a Levis 559...same manufacturer, different inches, I guess.

As badly as I'd like to look like you do now, I've hit the point where I figure that as long as I'm eating right and exercising, eventually it will balance out and I will have the body I'm supposed to have and will be healthy because of it.

(Still, I want the roll around my waist gone...)

[elizabethk]

Carmen - I can not ever convince another that they look good, just right, thin enough -- etc., as I struggle with it daily. I have recently gained back a load of weight after losing it -- because someone told me I was getting a gobbler. I took it was personally, and did not THINK things through, just got depressed. Did not consider tightening it up (yeah, surgery) - or just working out in different ways. I would do anything to have a gobbler than all these fat and unhealthiness back. You are awesome, and weight MAY always be an issue, but don't let it rule your life. I have the SAME issues -- when fat, I don't realize HOW fat (though I do this time!) -- and when thin -- I don't appreciate it, all my work, effort, self...! Sigh and hugs!!

[maggie]

First of all, you look fabulous! You work hard for it and it's OK to have those bad days. What I want to know is, when are we ever going to stop feeling so badly about ourselves and when will the daily struggle end? As I've gotten older it gets more difficult to lose and maintain. I'm convinced that the only way to really slim down is to stop eating. But now, that's not really realistic. I would miss coffee and wine, but I know I must cut down on these two things. So, the struggle continues.....

[Stimey]

I think you look awesome! Really.

[BeeBelle]

Have you done any measuring? That might help you to keep a baseline.

I saw a show once with women who really did have body dysmorphic disorder. One thing I remember is them drawing on huge paper the shape they thought they were, then lying down on it and having someone trace their real size on top. Maybe you and the kids could do it in chalk?

Anyway ... I think you look fabulous, FWIW, and definitely "fit." Beyond that - no worries, right?

[Jamie]

Carmen, your fitness odyssey has been so encouraging to me! I am sitting here all hot and sweaty from a run with my 13yo (why am I sitting at the computer instead of taking a shower? because the BEST part of running is putting it into the Google pedometer afterward!) -- anyway, I often think about your running posts while I'm out there pounding the pavement. Thanks for writing them, because they've been a real help to me.

PS You look great. :-)

[Marjie]

Read 'Women, Food and God'. I am almost finished with it. It makes you think about your food choices differently and learn to appreciate your body for what it does for you everyday.

I also started thinking about how I view other women. I don't dissect their flaws when I look at them like I dissect my flaws when I look at myself. I need to be kinder to myself and remember nobody but me cares about my weight.

[Nicki]

*blink-blink* But I want to look like that in a swimsuit.

My mom has always joked that she has reverse anorexia in that when she looks in the mirror, she always sees a thinner person no matter how much overweight she might be at the time.

I get it, truly. I could quite literally kick myself for the years when I obsessed over how "fat" I was or the imperfections that I suspect only I noticed when I weighed all of 98 pounds and just how much time I spent frantically exercising and hating myself when I ate something "bad." What a sheer amount of time I wasted. *sigh* I am a good 30+ pounds over what I probably should be, and I will never have the same body as I once did thanks to three wonderful boys, but I would like to go back to being stronger and, yes, slimmer. The funny thing is, when I exercise I feel so strong and actually feel thinner, and then I go and look in the mirror or go and try on clothes and it's almost a shock to realize that, no, I am not any smaller. :) Seriously, though, revel in how strong and capable you are, at the amazing fitness feats you can and have accomplished because that is a true measure of you, not a stupid size in the clothing. Also, the sizing system is completely out of whack and there is no uniform standard that I can tell so I believe someone out there just likes to screw with people's emotions during clothes shopping. Boo, hiss, I tell you. :)

[Emily C]

Man, I'm 24, have never been too overweight, and between my most recent pregnancies was at a good healthy weight, and I've never looked that awesome in a swimsuit.

I can relate with body dysmorphia, though. I think we often form these ideas in our head at certain crucial points of what we look like, and they stick there until something bigger comes along to shock us into thinking something else.

[Bridget]

dooood...you look amazing!

sizes are stupid.

:-)

[Megan]

This is a really, really good post. I wish we could all just forget about sizes and numbers...sigh.

I figure skate, and it's amazing to look at the different sizes and shapes at our rink. Everyone works their butt off. But you look around and you see one 12-year-old girl who's a twig, and another who's chunky but solid muscle. Both excellent skaters who put in probably 6-8 hours on the ice every week. Some of the adult skaters are a little on the heavy side, others are lean and muscular. Yet we all put in about the same level of work.

We have to learn to be proud of our bodies and what they accomplish, have a damn milkshake once in awhile, and forget about numbers.

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

Like I told you tonight, you look great, and you are more than the clothing exchange. DO NOT let something like that get you down. It has been my experience that sizes can be all over the place. You are healthy and strong, and you are keeping up with your exercise program which is very important.

[Wendy E]

You look great. About 2 years ago, right about the time I think I found your blog, I was down almost 80 pounds. After having two surgeries in a year, I gained back almost 50 of those pounds. I never saw myself as heavy as I really was, and I still don't. Except at times like today when I had to sit in a chair while my daughter was trying on clothes, and the chair was too narrow, and there was a mirror right across from it. Soooo terrible.

As for sizes, they are totally screwy. I have finally learned that I can not buy anything without trying it on. One size 20 is not the same as another, even in the same style. it is driving me crazy, and I think that is the idea.

For what it is worth, I think you look great, and I also think wearing a size 2 is awfully tiny.

[Brandy]

You look great, you look fit and healthy fabulous. I wish I looked like you! I'm 35, I work out 5 times a week-variable things like TurboKick, Zumba, Biking, Weights, and Yoga and can NOT lose weight. I feel fit, I feel strong and then look in the mirror and I'm wearing a 16/18. (I hate hypothyroidism.) I had a point somewhere....... Oh, don't focus on size. Focus on your health and how you feel.

[Shannon]

You have worked so hard and are strong in more than just the physical sense. Embrace it.

[Sarah Kaganovsky]

You look amazing. You look healthy and strong, and slim. You are working hard, you are muscular.

You are not skinny. Thank goodness. Because if you were SKINNY, you would look ILL.

[saf4kids]

Please wear the suit -- you rock it! I'm finally learning (now that I have a teenage daughter) that what I wear matters to more than me. I'm wearing about 15 more pounds than I'm comfortable with, and am going to wear my bikini this summer, because my 14 year old daughter tells me I look great in it, and I always want her to believe that we both look great.

On the size front, I've finally taken the Stacy and Clinton message to heart, and own things from 6-10, small to large, because the sizing is wild and crazy and meaningless. Also, I've learned to love the tailor :)

I only wish I'd learned all of these lessons BEFORE I turned 40!

[Headless Mom]

We've talked about this before. If you work out that hard and look that GOOD in a swimsuit? You deserve those cupcakes and margaritas!

[amie]

You know what I just realized, men just don't get this. Women look good to them, all wowmen. So therefore they have no idea how much we torture ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally trying to look different than we do to reach some ideal we have created in our minds. Sizes are subjective- screw the number and buy what fits. Weight is such a loaded subject for me ,I can't even go there. However I would say , when I was thin I didn't know it. I have had curves since I was in 4th grade. Which made me feel not thin-. Wear the damn bikini& enjoy having a tan tummy- you rock it girl!

[amie]

Loving my "wowmen" typo pun :)

[Jennifer]

It's always been hard for me not to compare myself to my lowest weights. Rather than accept the higher steady weight as the norm, I tend to think I should be back at the lowest point, which was not the norm. If you can eat within reason, exercize within reason and NOT gain weight, you are doing OK. In fact, that is the point. We are not supposed to fluctuate 10 lbs. A normal 5 lb up and down is fine. You look great btw!

[Katherine]

You do NOT look like a woman who has had ANY children. And you are showing your belly. So BE PROUD. You look fabulous, and frankly, should be wearing that bathing suit to the grocery store, to the restaurant and at daily pickup. You just look that good!

[Denise]

WHAT PUDGE OVER THE WAISTBAND? Don't make me send you a picture of my belly!!!!.. pudge.. HA!.

There is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself.. do you feel fit and healthy?

BTW do not rely on size labels.. there really is no standard, a size six one year is the equivalent of a size 8 from another. This is a TOTALLY unreliable measure.

And.. you look terrific.. I want to look like you when I grow up heheheh (er.. oops.. I think I am actually a teeeeeny bit older than you..)