Yet Another Post Where I Ramble on About My Body and Its Many Flaws (And Strengths)

Let's not forget the strengths.

Hi. This is going to be rambling and depressing and I almost certainly should have placed it on Elff - but that site is no more, unless I decide to revive it. And I'm too lazy to do so right now, so you get my insane ramblings here. Aren't you glad you stopped by? This is all directed AT ME, so please, don't be offended. Seriously.

I think I'm body dysmorphic. I have no idea, no REAL idea, what I look like.

Well, no. That's not true. I know what I look like. I just don't know if it's good or bad.

So, a long time ago, I thought I looked pretty good. I mean, sure, I was heavy, but I really didn't know HOW heavy, and besides, I'd had six kids and one should expect to be a certain size by that number and on and on until I realized that I weighed more than 210 pounds and decided to lose weight.

And I did. I lost 80 pounds, going from a size 18/20 to a 2/4. Going from a XXL top to a S. At that time, I was absolutely RIGOROUS with my diet choices, logging everything, obsessing over calorie counts and fat grams and not eating more than 1400 calories a day. I exercised at a minimum of three hours a day.

I couldn't sustain it. There was no way. The entire effort exhausted me and I just could not keep going at that frantic of a pace. And I didn't think that I looked all THAT thin, but many people told me that it was just too much weight lost.

Then I tore my calf muscle and put on some weight and I had a miscarriage (one year ago) and I put on a bit more. I never gave up my exercise - I love me some MMA training and Boxing class is a true and utter devotion - but I stopped going to the personal trainer - he was annoying me quite badly and, see also, expensive and no money. So, upshot of it is, I'm up about 15-20 pounds.

And I'm mostly ok with that. I no longer wear a 2-4, now more like a 6-8, but I have size 4 pants that fit comfortably and size 10 pants that I struggle to zip. I bought a dress online that was a M and I had to return it because it looked like a tent. I bought a shirt and skirt at Sears  - both M - and they were too big as well. But then I went to a clothing exchange last night and everyone that I thought was MUCH bigger than me wore clothes that I wouldn't have even tried on. And things I thought would fit clearly didn't, like a whole set of size 6 and 8 pants.It was a overwhelmingly depressing evening and I left feeling like crap about myself - when I'd felt pretty slim on the way over.

I, suddenly, no longer know if I'm classified as thin or heavy, "normal" (whatever THAT loaded word means) or odd.

I take an hour, killer, class 5-6 days a week. I try to walk/run combo 3 days a week. I can probably (certainly) ramp that up now that school will be out in a week (hold me, Internetz!) I have started trying to make 45 minutes of Crossfit mornings a week.

My legs are solid. Thick. Very muscled. They will never be slim, but, dudes, they are STRONG. At Crossfit this week we did THREE sets of this:

• 1 minute ball slams with a 12 pound medicine ball
• 1 minute wall ball - tossing the ball up against the wall and catching it in a squat and repeating - with the same 12 pound weight ball
• 1 minute 2 handed kettle bell squats with a 22 pound kettle bell
• 2 minute rest

And followed it with a 4 minute sets of Thrusters - squats with overhead presses with 10 pounds weights for 20 seconds, rest for ten with both weight at chest level, repeat. And I did all of the exercises and followed up with P90X Ab Ripper - and then died. But I did it. I'm strong.

Strong like bull. But that equates to a certain level of muscle, which equates to a certain level of bulk. And I think I'm ok with it. I WANT to be able to work hard. WANT to succeed at incredibly tough workouts. I just don't think I'll ever be slim again and I miss that.I know how to fix that -  I could be better with my diet. I know that I eat too much of the wrong things - but, damnit, sometimes you just NEED some French Fries or nachos, and a life ignoring cupcakes just might as well not be lived. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink every day or even once a week - but I'm not going to avoid having a few drinks if I'm out with friends, no matter how high the calorie count may be. I've worked hard to get down to a reasonable weight - and I (most of the time) feel ok about myself. I'm no longer avoiding being seen in a bathing suit. I can carry my 50 pound kid down the steps and can walk 8 miles. I can make it through boxing class in better shape than lots of people.

And I'll not wear this bathing suit in public again, but I'm putting these pics on here so that I can have a point of reference. NOT to make anyone feel bad about themselves, or feel awesome that "Thank God I don't look like her!" but in hopes that , maybe, one day, I can see myself how others see me.

And know that I'm ok. Pudge over the waistband be damned.

 

Comments

[elizabethk]

ugh~ just wanting to apologize for all my poor grammar and mistakes...if I ever get a second to myself I will be able to comment so one might understand. Anyway -- you rock!!

[Jodie]

Carmen. You look freakin awesome! Even at my best (many years ago) I never looked that good.

[mm]

I have never worn a bikini. I am one of those well endowed gals. But if you could not fit into whatever last week I always blame it on PMS days.

But darling you look marvelous!

[Tammy]

You look fabulous! I like the commenter above who said women look good to men, all of them. She has a point. It's women who tear one another down and become critical...when we should be lifting one another up and being encouraging because we all know how easy it is to put ourSELVES down without any outside help. It doesn't matter what size we are...someone will find flaws and will point them out. We have to learn to ignore, and to love ourselves. You work harder than anyone I know and are stronger than anyone I know. Be proud of that and your accomplishment. And let's all make an effort to be more encouraging to all the women in our life (doesn't appear the women who are posting here are the ones who need to hear this though).

[addy]

You are amazing. Your accomplishments, drive and effort are those things you should be looking at for self-worth. Your weight is a number, your health and well-being are far more important. Sizes are absolutely ridiculous! I own sizes 2-8 and wear them all. I actually have a couple of kids t-shirts I wear. Fuuggettaboutit!

[Lisa]

I am with you. I feel the same way about my body. I am strong but I wish I could be thin again.

[Amy]

damn the voices in our heads never allowing us contentment where we are are at this very moment!
No matter what I say or don't won't change the play back in your brain. I think you look awesome. You are still the same rocking hot mama I've never met from 11 years ago. And I'd kill to look like YOU in a bathing suit.
xoxo
me

[Dawn]

It would be a crime not to wear that bathing suit again, you look amazing in it!

[Sara]

How in heck do you have ZERO stretch marks?????

SIX kids and your tummy looks like it belongs to a 25 year old aerobics instructor.

You are hot, you do not have a "pudge". Please just accept it and for goodness sake QUIT PICKING ON YOURSELF!!!

I think you should love yourself and accept your body... there is nothing wrong with you. You look like you are a very fit and slender woman. NOT THICK at all.

H.O.T.
Rock it!

[Ouida Gabriel]

I had to laugh out loud at this. I was at Mels (Diet Naked) blog earlier and said that i don't really get jealous any more and here you show us pictures of yourself and I was like "DANG!" Seriously Carmen. You Look Awesome!

I only wish I could find 3 hours to work out. How in teh world do you do it???

Ouida Gabriel

[Dianna]

Carmen, wow. I am really not sure why you wouldn't wear that bathing suot again, you look great. You have had 6 children and I evny your body, you look amazing. I hope to have a stomach as flat as yours someday! Please do not feel discouraged, you look terific.

[UKCraftySal]

(Just got back to your blog after hard drive meltdown...)

Carmen, you look amazing: fit, strong and healthy. You don't look heavy, you also don't look like you are too thin. It sounds like your body can do what it needs to do and what you want it to do.

I agree that size labels are a work of fiction; the item fits or it doesn't. I have clothes in my wardrobe in a range covering 6 sizes, and they all fit me the same!

The only room for improvement is for you to learn to love how you look, because you look pretty damn perfect to me (and I'm not even STARTING on "how can you look that way after 6 kids"...!)