If You Need Me, I'll Be in the Corner - Curled Up in a Fetal Position

Friday started off so promising. It was my kids last day of school, the first day of the church carnival, my girlfriend invited us to hang out with her - and I had a hair appt. I had my new computer - purchased for me for Mother's Day, bought on store credit - sitting on the table. I still had no Internet, but a tech was scheduled to arrive and repair. My three days without Internet had been tough, but the end was in sight.

It was pretty good, in other words. And it's AMAZING to me how incredibly quickly THAT went SOUTH.

I was ready to leave the house and I grabbed a cup of coffee on my way out. My daughter's boyfriend was over and he was on the sofa with my spectrum kiddo, and he stood up. She got upset, grabbed for him and missed, crying, and fell into me.

And knocked the cup of iced coffee that I was holding out of my hand, and I watched in horror as it fell ALL OVER THE BRAND NEW LAPTOP. The one I have yet to even make a payment on, the one I'd barely used, and as fast as I grabbed/dried/shook/prayed - I knew inside it wasn't enough.

And I took it to Best Buy and it was pronounced hosed, and as I left the store I knew it was coming.

THE UGLY CRY.

And it started in the parking lot and as I dialed my husband's phone number, the cry escalated and soon I was sobbing. The full on ugly cry, the one I haven't done since that fateful day last year when I had me my nervous breakdown and cried for a week straight.

See, I haven't really shared with you the fact that, as well as my spectrum kiddo does at school and with other people - she's a serious solid mess with me. And I know, I know, I've been told a bajillion times that I'm her comfort zone, she can let it out with me, blah, blah, blah. We have daily temper tantrums, screaming and crying, rapid mood swings that rival any PMS victim, and it's wearing me out. Add that to the end of school tossing a wrench in her carefully wrought out schedule and she's just driving me bananas. I worry about her, for this type of stuff isn't getting any better, isn't going away, and I worry about the future.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of being her mom. I'm tired of hearing that she's beautifully behaved for EVERYONE else and an absolute terror for me.

Yes. I said that. I know it makes me a bad mother. I don't care. My husband is never, ever, EVER here to spell me, my older kids in equal parts tolerate and avoid her, and I HATE being the safe place. And her fits are frequent, annoying, loud, and she'd just cost me a brand new computer with her temper.

I sat in the car and cried. I called my hubby and we made arrangements to go visit a friend whose husband does computer repair, and I cried all the way there. I'm tired. I'm the sole parent 99% of the day, my big kids fight all the time, my house is a disaster and no one else seems to care, and I'm just exhausted from dealing with so many people, so many problems, and trying to be all things for all people in this house.

I cried all over his friend's shoulder as she told me the story of her own special needs kid and she opened my eyes to many things I need to work on, both with my SPD kid and my big kids. Despite the fact that I've created chore charts, schedules and cleaning routines, I get very little help here, and an awful large amount of lip. I clean all the time, but my house is never clean - there's no way one person can keep up with 8. I have big plans and ideas for the summer, things I want to do both with my kids and for my kids and being a full time house cleaner and maid doesn't fit in with those plans. I drive people all over the flippin' land and now, thanks to one daughter's volunteer instructing this summer - that driving time grew again. 

I'm tired.

Saturday morning began with a plan to have a nice, calm, "Come to Jesus" meeting - and that didn't go so well. My husband made new rules that included cleaning the house before computer or tv time, and no more rides without help and before he left for work he instructed me to share them. Unfortunately, the meeting of the minds didn't mesh and it ended poorly - and then the phone rang.

My husband was involved in a car accident. In a company car.

It wasn't his fault, but it was still a car accident.While I was talking with him, the daughter who had the hives all week came downstairs furiously clawing at her arms, and I realized she was covered with them again, and complaining of a fierce sore throat to boot. Facts which necessitated an early morning trip to the pediatrician. To end with a negative strep test and a diagnosis of "hives, origin unknown".

But. While I was there, I took the time to talk to the doctor about my spectrum kid, and I asked for a recommendation to visit a behaviorist. Instead, she encouraged me to go back to the specialist that had originally diagnosed my kid. I feel good about that. I'm not sure if it will help, but at least being able to talk to someone about how hard this is and possibly glean some wisdom as to how to deal with her would be so nice.

I want to enjoy my kid. I don't want to cry again. I don't want to have other pieces of expensive equipment ruined by someone's temper tantrums.

And I need the rest of the family to chip in, to be less demanding, less self centered and more content with each other. To lose the fighting, the tattling, the physical retaliation, and the screaming.

I don't want to cry again.

Comments

[Jen]

I only have three kids (& a husband) but I have had many of the same thoughts as you. Thank you for saying them out loud.

[margalit]

Carmen, only two kids here, one on the spectrum and one with a severe mental illness. Your thoughts are often my thoughts. And I've been in the same place you're in now... many times. What has saved me, and saved my family is that a few years back, when things were so bad I thought about surrendering my kids and just giving up, I was guided to a support group for parents of special needs kids. We're a group that has been through thick and thin together. We've got various diagnosises to deal with, from Smith McGuinnes to bipolar to full on pyschosis. And we've got plenty of dual diagnosis kids, who not only have neuro issues, but alcoholism, drug use, etc. In other words, we're all living hellacious lives with incredibly tough kids, but we meet weekly and share, laugh, and cry together. Having a group of women that GET it, that understand what it means to have a constantly tantrumming kid, a house so filthy that the state literally hired cleaners to dig it out, and the total physical, mental, and emotional stress that we all endure.

I wish you lived closer so I could add you to the group, but alas, you don't. So I'm recommending that you take care of YOU, and forget that your house is messy (who doesn't have a messy house with a spectrum kid?) right now. You need a support system, and if your husband is absent, then you have to look outside the home and find one at your local mental health center.

I'm so sorry your husband is so unsupportive and helpful, and I know that your older kids, especially the teens, are not ever going to be helpful until they have kids of their own. It's just what teens are like. Unless it's all about them, they don't care.

I think the plan about taking away their rides and privilges is a good one, and it's what I do as well. I don"t recall my job description as including doormat. I doubt yours does either.

[Shelly]

I am so sorry. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. It would do me good as well as I have been dangling in a similar spot myself. I have a child on the spectrum with a ton of other medical issues as well. No one to help clean up their messes and an unemployed husband who also doesn't help.

I will be thinking of you!!!

[Laura Horner]

For Pete's sake, Carmen! Stop calling yourself a bad mom because you DARED to admit to a feeling that I'm sure many mothers in your situation have had from time to time. I can't imagine how you do what you do. You are a strong person, don't forget that. And PLEASE, quit beating yourself up! Hug yourself for me, and please, take care of yourself.

[Amy]

ugh. How frustrating. I can't even imagine to be in your shoes, but I'm sending tons of hugs (and lots of coffee!). You have no idea how much your posts occasionally make me wish I lived next door to you so I could watch the kids for awhile or heck, even drive them somewhere to give you a break. You are inspiring though with all you do :)

[hollywood housewife]

this sounds really, really hard. it makes me want to cry with frustration for you.

i don't want you to cry again, either.

[Rox]

Hugs to you, Carmen -- big, huge hugs. I'm just so sorry and hope that this rough patch is replaced quickly by the best summer ever for you and yours.

[Julia Roberts]

We do not know each other but many days over a two year period I had many of the same thoughts about my son, who just recently suffered a mental breakdown and spent nearly a week in a mental hospital. Things are better now with a host medication (many of the behaviors you describe are his)and we see a tiny pinhole of light in the tunnel. I hope soon you have that too.

It's ridiculous, because I am sure you do not have time, but there is a new (May 1 launch) social networking site for special needs parents and there's already a very active group for parents of kids on the spectrum. www.supportforspecialneeds.com (there's also a group for caregiver stress and a Room for Rants, where you can feels safe to talk about anything because it's private).

At any rate, I hope things get better soon.

[Headless Mom]

I'm with Margalit. I agree that you need to find a support group. Maybe the specialist that you take her to will have a lead or two?

And, get tough with the teens. No help/no ride sounds like a great solution. But seriously, you have to stick to your guns. And then call me when you need an ear. I'm always here!

[Lucy]

Tonight I had a major meltdown and sobbed hysterically- and a huge chunk of it was about my very challenging 15yo- who has been in therapy for over two years now and on meds for over one.

And that led me to the 'I do everything and am responsible for everything and I don't do anything well anymore and my life is a mess and I'm just so damn tired." crying jag.

And some days, I want to walk away from it all. Some days, I think maybe I should write off the youngest as a lost cause, let his father finish fucking him up, and stop banging my head up against the wall with a kid who apparently would prefer *anyone* to me for a mother.

But. I am stubborn, and so are you. I love my recalcitrant, difficult child, and so do you. And I will *not* give up....and neither will you.

But. Some days are bad. Very, very bad- and worthy of a full-blown breakdown. Don't feel guilty, don't apologize. Just blow your nose, wash your face, get some sleep, and start anew tomorrow.

Hugs, honey. Have a glass of wine for me. Have two. :-)

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

Carmen,
Thanks for sharing this. I think it helps Moms everywhere to know they are not alone.

I think Margalit and Headless Mom have some good suggestions. I know it is tough to enforce the chore charts, but delegating in a family your size is not an option.

Don't beat yourself up, but at the same time, something needs to change for your own sanity.

[Sandy]

Carmen, Never feel bad bad about saying how you feel. I think it is healthy to admit the truth, and the truth is all mothers feel that way at one time or another. I have only one child, grown now with 2 of his own. But there were many times when I felt the same way. My mom even did a cross stitch piece for me that said "M stands for mother, not maid", much like the blogger who said your job description doesn't say doormat. Hang in there girl........they grow up!!!

[Deborah Hubbard]

like the one of the other commenters, i wish i loived on your street. i would come and be your cleaning fairy for an hour or two! i have a good cry about once a month when everything refuses to go right. i agree with the get tough on your older kids, they have working arms and legs and should be reminded of that. mum is mum, not a unwaged slave. good luck xx

[kyooty]

hugs!!! so many hugs and i'm so sorry that your husband's career involves so much family away time. :( It certainly makes it hard for you to Get that "other adult" feeling. Sometimes you want to be the babysitter that can hand the kids back to the real parent. (dad)
It's very hard to be the everything for everyone. Crying isn't aways a bad thing, maybe crying once a day"? would give you the outlet to release that feeling of UGH! vs trying to keep it all stuffed inside you. Feelings happen. Just like your Spectrum child needs to release her feelings. Unfortunately the electronics got the brunt of her release this time.
now looking at some pluses.
Hubbie is ok and safe,
You do have older children, they could take the bus to work...
The cleaning? it's just a house, it wont fall down in a day, I know you are the type of person that functions better with neat and tidy, so keep your parts neat and tidy, use the doors, close them!
I went out and bout 3 $ store baskets yesterday to put all the things I collect off the floors and counters in and they will take them to the room at the end of the day or I can sell them. I made 4.00 yesterday for the words "idiot,moron, and I hate you" being thrown at me. You are not alone.

[Elizabeth]

You are NOT a bad mom! Heck, my only child doesn't have any major issues and there are days I really really want nothing to do with him. And we chose to have a child, payed tons of money for the privilege via adoption!

I echo every one else about a support group, whether online or in person.

Your older kids will eventually get with the program if you & your hubby enforce the new rules. Make your 18yr old be a chauffer if he wants car priveleges. I don't think my mom drove my sister anywhere the first 2 years I got my drivers license. :) It will be hard at first. Post the new house rules on a posterboard somewhere & just point to them when the whining starts. Make your hubby be the bad guy/enforcer. Having him back you up will make life easier for you. For the older kids, there is nothing wrong with delayed discipline when their father gets home.

I suggest you email Christine Moers as a resourse. She is on BlogHer, twitter, and has a blog. Her kids are a mix of OCD, Tourettes, and RAD. She totally GETS where you are trust me. Awesome parenting tips all the time & she isn't afraid to say it sucks majorly at times either. Her twitter name is @christinemoers and her website is http://welcometomybrain.net

Lots of prayers!

[Katie]

I'm not married and I don't have kids...but you shouldn't feel bad! We can't do it all every day of the week! You are spectacular with your family!

[Amy]

{{{Carmen}}}}
My house is a mess without a spectrum kid. It's not that I don't care...and when I do care I do something about it. I just let it roll. I have also learned to just say no. Even when my kid really really really wants to do something I am allowed to say NO if it is going to cause me more stress to get them to/from where ever or what ever it is they 'think' they must join, do, be. If it causes the family more stress it's not good for anyone.
And part of me being able to find 'peace' where I am have been with me beginning to read the Byron Katie books. Some of which still seem really really hokey and other times make perfect sense. Either way it causes me to pause and look at what is really bothering me, is it my place to be bothered about it, has it already happened? if so then there is nothing I can do about it and go forward from there

[Karen]

Big huge {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}, Carmen.

Parenting is a tough job -- even tougher when you've got a spectrum kid (yes, I've got one too). We moms seem to always get the brunt of it; and even when we lay down the law, it still doesn't always go as planned.

Take care of yourself, my friend, and seek solace in your support system -- health care professionals who can guide you and friends who are in the same boat. As they say, "It takes a village...."

[dcgirl]

Carmen - I'm so sympathetic. I don't have anywhere near the challenges you do (only 2 kids and a husband who is around a lot more). But even so I get overwhelmed and sometimes I look at the mess in the kitchen and just want to Walk. Away. And. Keep. Walking.

You sound like a great mom and I wish we lived closer so we could meet for iced coffee. Sending you virtual support.

[Tish]

Hugs to you, darling. I'm a little farther down the road, with grown kids, one of whom has special needs and still lives with us, but I want to tell you that things will start to look up Don't worry about the house. Can I suggest that you might hire someone (an education major or even a teacher on summer break) to spend a couple of hours a day with you special kid? This might give you some much needed respite time.

[Bridget]

Oh, Carmen...

I'm not good for much, but I can surely throw out some good vibes and lots of prayers.

xoxo

[Nicki]

Hugs to you. Been there many, many times with my kids with issues. It can be so hard and defeating when you have to be the one who shoulders all of the screaming and crying and trying to keep everything together for everyone else, let alone trying to take care of yourself. I used to completely resent it when I would hear how wonderful and polite and helpful my oldest son was from his teachers and his friends' parents, etc., but at home I had the mouthy child who would put holes in doors and cause chaos.

I can't offer any good advice as we are still struggling here with our own issues. What I can do is put you in my prayers and hope that things start easing up for you and the stress levels drop. Hang in there. :)

[melissa]

oh, carmen. you are so not a bad mom! i was tearing up for you reading this - every mom reading this will understand how frustrated you must be and especially after that ruined laptop. (my kids once threw our digital camera down the stairs. OMG i was so mad!!)
hang in there - we'll all make it through the summer somehow!
((hug))

[Annika]

Oh honey. I don't want you to cry again either.

[Megan]

Oh Carmen, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. I bet the specialist has heard this many times and will have some ideas for how to help your daughter. Especially since I know she has come so far already.

As for the untidy house issue, this may sound harsh, but I would try assigning specific chores and a deadline for when they have to be done. And if they're not done by that time, then that kid does not get to go to muay thai/soccer/pool/friend's house/volunteering. It may sound harsh, but I bet after one time of your kids having to explain to the soccer coach or the volunteer person why they weren't there, they won't let it happen again.