Long, Beautiful Hair

Or short, crisp hair. It doesn't matter.

One of my girls had shoulder length hair. It was cute on her. Let's face it - any hair cut would have been cute on her, as she's, you know, pretty cute. She asked me, at the end of the school year, if I'd let her cut her hair really short.

I don't care. To me, hair is hair is hair. It's your head, it's your hair. If the school you attend has a dress code, I expect you to abide by it. If you are a boy and you want to grow it long, it's fine by me as long as it's clean. Both of my boys prefer short, almost shaved heads - but that's their preference. My girls have had long hair, short hair, in between - the only thing I don't especially care for is bangs, but as long as they are happy, and it's neat, I don't care.

So on Saturday we found a few spare minutes and we drove up to the hair cut place for what I thought would be a quick cut. Cut off six inches, shorter in the back, stacked in the back and a slight angle to the chin. Off center part. All the rest one length. 1 hour, 10 minutes later, we were done. it was really cute and she was delighted.

And that's all that matters. Right? In my mind.

And then we went to church and an older woman, one who takes a special interest in my kids, saw her. You would have thought that she had shaved her head bald and painted her scalp fluorescent green with pink stripes.

"Oh, your hair. Your beautiful, beautiful hair. Why did you have to cut it? At least it will grow back. You WILL grow it back, right? Right? Women should have long, beautiful hair!" said the woman - who, incidentally, has SHORT hair herself. And she went on and on until my girl returned to our seats.

And my girl was puzzled. "Why would she say that? She makes me feel bad about my hair!"

And my girl teared up. 

What I want for my kids is self assurance. The ability to like themselves, to feel good about themselves, to take pride in what they look like and to have the confidence to listen only to that inner voice and not to the millions of voices out there - those on the internet, at church, at school, in the media.

I told my girl to ignore her. I asked if SHE liked her own hair, and she looked at me with furled brow. "Of course I do!" she said as she tossed her head. "I picked it this way!"

Then that's all that matters. After all, I told her, you only have to please yourself. Not one other person. For pleasing yourself, I didn't tell her, is often the most difficult.

Comments

[KatieButler]

People are idiots. I'm sure she looks adorable!

[Jennifer]

OMG! Is she one of those Catholic women who think that women/girls should only wear long dresses and jean jumpers????

[kyooty]

I do hope this "friend" will read and see the "hurt", not to hurt her but to see that the words you say hurt others. Sometimes it's the little words that hurt the most.

[mm]

Recently I saw an old high school friend and her son. Her son being maybe 10 or 11 years old with long straight hair and the words were out out my mouth before I could think "You need a haircut buddy!" The look on his face told me that I had hurt his feelings. Where is the time machine?

[Headless Mom]

(I secretly wish I had the b**** to get my hair cut s-u-p-e-r short. You know, the short and spiky look that some women can rock? Hubby won't let me.)

[Mama Bear]

"OMG! Is she one of those Catholic women who think that women/girls should only wear long dresses and jean jumpers????"

Weird... that's one stereotype I've never heard.... and I'm Catholic. Jennifer, is this something that is new and I'm out of the loop?

[Megan]

I have to admit -- and I'm not one of those "Catholic women" or old or old-fashioned about most things -- that I prefer long hair (at least, shoulder length) on girls and young women. When someone I know cuts their hair, I tell them it looks cute but secretly I usually liked it better before.

But your daughter's hair DOES sound really cute, and the woman, maybe without realizing it, was out of line. If she didn't like it, there was really no reason she had to say anything at all. I hope your daughter can move past the hurtful comment and focus on how much she likes her new look, and I bet a lot of other people really like it too and will tell her so.

[Brandy]

If she had a comment about your daughter's hair she should have addressed it to you, not your daughter. That? Was , probably unintentional, hurtful for your daughter and she should have realized that her words would be "heard". And while I prefer long hair for ME I always admire those who can go super short and rock it. I am sure your daughter is absolutely adorable with her new "do".

[Christine X.]

Naysayers! Another life lesson, with excellent parenting by Carmen.

I just had my hair cut short too, and I LOVE it. Bring on summer!

[Katherine]

I want a picture!!! My daughter went through a stage where she wanted SUPER SHORT HAIR. She looked like a boy and MY boys teased her relentlessly. I told her if she likes it, who cares what they say. Now she is growing it out and has seen pix of her with super short hair (which I HATED but acted like I liked it) and has said, "Oh MY..." She didn't realize quite HOW short it was. But like you... if you like it, GO FOR IT! :)

[elz]

I'm with Mama Bear-Jennifer has created a new Catholic insult that doesn't even apply-hooray! My family is Catholic (including charismatic Catholics)and nobody dresses or believes that.

As long as your daughter has confidence in herself, you've done your job. I hypothesize that the woman who made the comment can't grow her hair long and so naturally is inclined to want long hair?

[KG]

Well I just got my hair cut yesterday. My girl, that I adore, cut it much shorter than I had wanted.
As I left she put all my hair (honestly enough to fit an entire wig on its own) into a bin marked "hair only".
She made a comment about how much oil my hair would soak up down in the gulf. You've seen they are using it to make oil booms? Too bad your daughter couldn't have told that woman that's where HER hair was going.
I loved your last line:
"For pleasing yourself, I didn't tell her, is often the most difficult."
How very, very true!
I bet she looks GREAT!

[ellen]

Sounds like your daughter needs to read Stephanie's Ponytail by Robert Munsch:)

[Ouida Gabriel]

Personally I like long hair on women. I think it is beautiful as can be. I have never seen a woman look bad with long hair. I also think that long gray/white/silver hair is a beauty on older women. It is a shame they cut it off.

That said, I think it is no ones business what another does with their hair. If someone asks me if I like their hair then I will answer honestly but I will never tell someone they should not cut their hair. I will share that I cut 18 inches off of my hair and loved it and hated it at the same time.

I used to be really opinionated but then I grew up. There are things to fight over and even though I think long hair is in scripture, the length of ones hair is to each their own. How do I know if shoulder length is too long/too short? I don't.

Ouida Gabriel

[Jenn W]

It's funny because that's how my Mom is. When my 8 year old got her hair cut (from below the shoulders about 5 inches or so to the nake of her neck) my Mom freaked out! Kept telling her over and over how much prettier she is with long hair. She's always done that to my sister and I too.....too much opinion when it's not your head. I feel the same way about hair and we are a fortunate family in that we all have beautiful and thick hair- my kids could die it pink and blue and spike it for all I care. I believe in individuality and if that's how they want to express themselves, so be it. They aren't hurting anyone so you don't need to hurt them with your words.

[Jenn W]

Oops! Can I change that to nape of the neck and also dye it pink....guess that's what I get for doing 2 things at once. :)

[addy]

I agree with you Carmen. The length of one's hair is no one's concern except the person attached to the head. Let her know if she is happy with her decision - so be it!

[Karen]

I bet she's adorable!

[susan]

Jada Pinkett Smith was on Oprah and her daughter has an outrageous haircut. She said her daughter said it's only hair and I don't need it to be beautiful. What a way to think. We put the pressure on ourselves and daughters. We teach that insecurity to them. The love themselves and it shouldn't matter what type of haircut they have.

[UKCraftySal]

Yes, the lady was out of line. She should only have commented out loud if asked, and then should have been tactful considering she was talking to a child, in my opinion. Good for your girl for knowing what she wants, and for being happy with it even in the face of that remark; and good for you for teaching her how to be like that.

My daughter had hair that was 34" long (and very thick and beautiful) at age 10. She had about 16" cut off the length and layers cut in, and it looked gorgeous. She has just had a side fringe (bangs) cut in, which I don't like. But either way she has, IMO, the right to do as she pleases. It's her hair; and if she does find she hates it, it will grow back!

[Deborah]

So glad that your daughter likes the hair style she picked and so sorry that someone was tactless! Hair styles are such an individual selection. I'm a fan of short hair on myself because my curls go crazy in the humidity. That being said I'm going thru an exercise in torture and trying to grow it out during the summer months. Wish me luck!

[Paige]

uGH. I can't get my daughter, who has thin, flat hair, to cut her hair into a style that would be cute for her. Too bad that lady was so without tact. I hope she Loves her cute and sassy hair.

[amy]

sounds like the same sort of idiot that would ask me if I'm expecting.........

[jennP]

and then you wonder why girls are self conscious... we blame tv and models and stuff for our insecurities... but then when a sweet little lady at church says a comment like that, it's bound to cause insecurity to a young girl. My grandmother ALWAYS had comments like that ... "you would look so much better with lipstick!" "you would look so much better with this...." etc etc... and that is how my sister and i grew up, thinking we were never good enough just being us. I try REALLY hard now to monitor what i say to my daughter and to any person and how i say it. Some comments are misplaced.
Thankfully, my daughter loves who she is. She has short hair and LOVES it. and so do i. low maintenance!

[Jennifer]

Carmen and all,
Please accept my apologies for my comment. For the record, I am a practicing Catholic. I was referring to a faction of orthodox Catholics who think that women should only wear skirts and "feminine" clothing. It was rude and insulting and I am sorry if I offended anyone.