Untidy

After three incredibly fun filled days home for the long holiday weekend, I've been able to pin point what is, I think, going to be the death of me this summer vacation.

It's the untidy aspect of life with a big family.

It's a concept that I'm trying to get through the skulls of my family without much success.

There is NO MAID in this house.

It's not the cleaning, per se. Well, no. I did spend three hours cleaning TWO bathrooms this past week, scrubbing floors, toilets, tubs and showers. There is always a LOT of cleaning to do here. What I'm referring to is the general untidiness of 7 OTHER people who seem to be missing the "let's put this item back where it belongs!" gene.

I'm sitting on the sofa, and without moving, I can see:

• an enormous pile of clean laundry for one kid, who can't be bothered to carry his stuff upstairs, even though every other family member has already done so
• 2 5 9(!) pairs of shoes
• 6 books
• 3 empty cups
• dvds that have been separated from their cases
• a skirt that my daughter wants me to mend
• 2 outlet covers - we don't use them anymore, so where did they come from?
• a broken balsa wood plane
• the list of songs that my husband needs for his weekly cantoring
• an eyeglasses strap

I'm sure there's more - I'm just too tired to get up and look around. The floors are cleaned, the dusting is done - but there's just stuff all.flippin'.over.the.house. And when I point it out, say, to the husband, he (rightly) says, "Well, what about your shoes sitting there?"

The difference is that I have to pick up MY shoes. I don't leave them for someone else the way that they all do.

The other problem? Stuff, not put away where it belongs, quickly disappears. Case in point: people have borrowed my iPhone headphones - the ones with the microphone - and not returned them. I have TWO pairs, and each kid has AT LEAST one pair of their own ear buds - and not one pair can be found in this entire house.

And my husband's BRIGHT idea - just sit everyone down and have a conference and tell them that they have to pick up their stuff, that you are not the maid - well, now, THAT'S one novel idea I've never tried.

<insert sarcastic font usage RIGHT HERE>

I tossed my daughter's Reef Flip Flops into the closet and she couldn't get them back for a couple of days, but I don't think I can do that with everything that is laying out - the closets aren't that big.

Surely you must have some words of wisdom to share.

Lay it on me, Internets.

Comments

[Starr]

Considering I just this minute finished having a conference with three college kids--COLLEGE kids, mind you how ridiculous is that?!!-- on this very subject...I don't think I have any words of wisdom at all. I'm right here with you, Carmen, anxiously awaiting them from everyone else.

[Karen]

Sorry. I've got nothin'. I've got only one kid at home and I have yet to tame the slob in her...:(

[Jenni]

Don't do it for them...they will just grow up to be men and women who don't do it for themselves. I speak as a wife of a husband whose mother always (to this day) cleans up after her boys...it makes my job impossible!

I don't have children, but when I do, I will employ the idea of a friend's mother. When anyone left anything around the house, she would put it in a box that she kept hidden in the garage. If no one asked about it a week after it was put in there, it went to goodwill. If they asked about it, she would tell them she had it but they could have it back in a week.

I'm telling you, it took her about a month before things changed. They quickly learned that if they didn't take care of it they wouldn't have it anymore.

Just an idea.

Oh, and they don't get a replacement! EVER! Until they earn the money themselves...and even then, it's still fair game if they leave it around.

[addy]

Yup I got nuthin'. Though a friend of mine made her kids put all their misplaced "stuff" in garbage bags and hauled it out of their site overnite. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth later a calmer conversation was had by all. "There is no MAID" being the topic. Somewhat effective for her.

[Elizabeth]

I'm a clutter by nature so it is hard for me but Jenni's idea is similar to what my mom did for us growing up.

Mom hated clutter! Periodically she would round up anything not in it's proper place, put it all in big black trash bags, & then put the bags in the trunk of her car. From there it all went to Goodwill whenever she got around to it. If we got to the car before she made it to Goodwill, then great, we could get our stuff back. If not, oh well. I am telling you it didn't take long before my cluttering was minimized! And no replacements either. Mom held strong (and I'm sure it wasn't easy) but we learned to pick up after ourselves.

I remember her saying "it takes just as much effort to hang that sweater on the back of a chair as it does to put it on a hanger".

[Amber]

I solved this problem by actually getting a maid in the house. Well, once a week at least. It handles the deep and dirty cleaning anyways, and it's still up to my to attack the clutter gremlins. Some people say they can't afford it, but if it's worth your sanity...

[Alana]

I'm liking what I'm reading here. I have the same problems. My problem, though, is that I'm just as bad a culprit as everyone else. Often I'll declare that it's time to tidy up and everyone pitches in to help.

[kyooty]

Charge them a Quarter for every little thing that doesn't go back to it's home. :) then go buy yourself some coffee :p (or something stronger)

[BeeBelle]

I picked up my own stuff only, and first reminded, then nagged, on everything else. This was the result of a dear psychologist friend who said just what Jenni said above - if you do it for them, they won't do it themselves. Then, when I mentioned it to him again after what was literally several years, he told me that of course they weren't cleaning up, because they were used to living in such untidiness, and that clearly the solution was to set a better example by showing them how to pick up.

Fact is, I've tried it all. I took stuff and charged money to get it back. I've charged 5 push-ups for every sock left out. I've gotten boxes for everyone and thrown their stuff in it and then suspended priveleges until they put everything in the box away. The only good news is that a couple of mine finally improved - that is to say, they grew up and moved out. Still working on the others.

[Headless Mom]

Take the stuff and charge them to get it back, quarter, dollar, depends on the age of the culprit and the worth of the item. (I've done this before and actually tucked the $ back in her drawer to 'find' later. She learned! I I didn't feel guilty about 'taking' her $)

Yeah, the shi---clutter is killing me, too!

[becky d.]

when i was a nanny, i put all the crap from the living room in 2 garbage bags (with their mom's blessing) and they earned it back -- gameboys, library books, favorite clothes...

[Beth]

...or you could just move out! Not an option? Charge them dearly! I do $5 for the older kids and $2 for the littles. Then, when they don't have "bail" money, I make them do extra chores to earn more. It works for a while, which is all that I can hope for, I guess!

[mm]

As the unpaid and over-worked maid in my house, I finally had enough of it all one day. I went on strike. I stayed on strike for three days and all I got out of it was being behind in everything by three days. So I will be watching for some good tips!

[LizP]

When you come up with the secret be sure to post it here!!!

I think my 4 year old is the tidy-est! The husband is the worst with 19 year old and 16 year old coming in a close second.For the time being the 2 year old gets a pass. Oy, the clutter! I pile the husband's stuff on his office chair, the two teenagers get their stuff dumped in front of their respective bedroom doors (the 16 year old will actually walk OVER his junk to get into his room). I clean up after the 2 year old.

[maggie]

I've been on strike for three days and I'm paying for it dearly. My youngest made a huge mess upstairs today in her room. When I saw what she did and looked at her she just burst into tears. Me, too! I like Jenni's ideas above. Do you think that one day when everyone is out of the house we'll miss the mess?

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

If you do not pick it up, it goes to the poor...believe it or not, this worked for my girls.

[Kait]

My mom implemented the 2 warning rule. She told us to take care of it twice and then it was hers. To get it back we had to clean a room for a week. If the room wasn't kept clean, the item went to Goodwill and was not repurchased for us. The only thing I can remember her not actually donating was a Gameboy of my brother's that she saved for a Christmas present. He was VERY careful with it from then on.

With my kids, we just started as soon as we got them with the cleaning. My daughters are three and two now and they will put their shoes away, put their dishes in the sink, clean their playroom and make their beds on their own. The two year old will sometimes refuse but a quick visit to time out fixes that.

Good luck!

[Tish]

I never did figure this out with our kids. Now I watch two of my grandkids and I'm trying again. The 2 yr old will clean up happily if we sing the "Clean up clean up everybody everywhere" song. The 10 mo old will put things in the toy basket, but takes it all out a second later. I'm waiting with baited breath to read the solution in these comments!!

[Charming Bitch]

I always feel like the jerkiest jerk that ever did jerk responding to these inquiries (not from you personally, just in general). Granted the littles (8 (in 4 days), 6 and 4) can't do everything to clean up after themselves but they absolutely are able to help with dishes, folding their laundry, picking up the bathroom & after themselves. Chrissie (16)(!!!) can of course do pretty much anything I ask of her; she doesn't necessarily ''want'' to but...join the club, sister. Me neither.

Blah, all that said: chore charts gave us a good start but can be a pain to maintain and really after a few weeks, should be ingrained. My best suggestion is starting the day ''clean''. Beds made in morning, breakfast dishes cleared, bathroom picked up (which shouldn't be hard if it's not destroyed the night before). Individually it may take 5-10 mins. If I have to do it all, it's much more time consuming and frankly, I have things to do that don't include scrubbing hardened toothpaste after 4 people every day. Same for afternoons & evenings. Dinner set up & clean up, folding and putting away laundry, putting away toys & back packs after homework. 5-10 of their time vs two or more hours of my time. And my time is more important, period. Even moreso now with the baby (love her love her love her).

20 mins a day times 6 kids is two hours, Carmen. For all the shuttling, cooking, entertaining and care you give them, they can spend 20 mins a day to make things run smoother. I second Frank's suggestion (not that it's new or hasn't been done before, ha). No threats, cajoling or emotional appeals. 10 mins in the morning, 10 mins in the evening is expected and barring sickness or sudden onset paralysis, no excuses or negotiations. Routines become routine when they're enforced as habit (and please know I don't mean that in the asshole perfectionist know-it-all way it sounds; my living room looks like an autopsy was performed there right now).

[Sabz]

What do you do when the culprits are adults aged 40-70? My 3 yo is aware of 'clean up time' and will 'help' in his way. But the grown ups leave things around and clutter. I do it too but I clean up, do dishes, laundry etc all. Day. Long.

How do you deal with adults in the house not pitching in?

[Jenn E]

My mom did the Hefty Bag trick but we also feared her properly so we pretty much picked up!

Good Luck!

[Jess]

So easy to say, I'd throw it in the garbage, but damn that gets costly after awhile. Could you get a big box, and put all of the crap in it, and just dump it in any child's room? Since you are always cleaning the house, dump it all in one of their "houses" then they will have to go to everyone in the house to get them to come find their junk in said child's room. It will annoy them to no end, and basically they are doing the same thing you are doing. Going crazy cuz everyone's stuff is in your space. I know there is more too it. But i bet after dumping in each of the kids rooms, they might get a clue. Good luck, cuz it is going to be a long hot summer!!!!

[a]

My system is pretty much the same as some of your other comments...I put everything I see in a bag,,when they start missing it, they have to clean their room to earn it back or it goes to goodwill. I also make sure everything is in its place at night, so we are not running around crazy in the morning. Needless to say, it is not a perfect system, and I have one child that could care less if he sees his belongings again... ;)

[Denise]

I do like the idea of the 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening... with 6 of us in the house we can get alot done in 10 minutes. I have tried this idea with other chores.. like the leaves in the fall.. we go out and work for 15-20 minutes straight and see how much we can get done. I also have a few boxes of toys tucked away that need to disappear permanently.. though we have a WHOLE lot of storage space.. I'm thinking YARD SALE!! need the money. hehehe

[Nicki]

I'm so taking notes. I would love to offer some advice, but right now I am currently engaged with my husband in a battle over the countertop in the kitchen and his stacks of mail that I cannot throw away but he cannot seem to file or do, well, anything with but will still throw a fit over the countertop being cluttered. Nice, huh? I also have apparently given birth to one hoarder and two junior lazy pants in training, but I am determined to break them of this habit so I do not have future DIL's who hate me and send them back to live with me. :) Good luck!