Deep Thoughts and Deep Breathing and Letting Go

This has been the summer that I've let my big kids go. My son went to Europe with my mom - and we all know the experiences that they went through there! - one daughter flew to Texas to visit my dad - and she had a phenomenal time and can't wait to go again - and today I sent another daughter off on a trip with her friend to New York. They return the day before I leave for Blogher. Also in New York.

Today I went to the water park with my kids. I bought them season passes for Christmas at a reduced rate and it was the best thing I ever did. My kids love to go there and I've seen great jumps in both swimming ability and confidence.

When my spectrum kiddo was in therapy, it was all about making her do the things that she didn't like. It was about forcing her to face the actions and activities that caused her to scream uncontrollably, bang her head and bite her fingers until they bled. I watched the therapist force her in tubes and down slides, cover her with sand and coat her hands with shaving cream. 

While at the water park, most of my kids begged to go on the rapids ride. As these things go, it's fairly tame. I'm not a rider of rides at ALL, and I do ride this one. It goes from a pool down a slide and repeats a couple of times as you ride in an inner tube. It ends by going under a short waterfall.

It's a fun thing to do, but going to the water park as the only parent with four kids means that I have to make some tough choices. I can't do everything I want - namely, lay on a chair, read a book and nap - I'm easy to please. It stands to reason that they can't do everything that they want - especially when going on said rapids ride entails an 80+stair climb. I can't get up to the top with the other kids and turn around with the reluctant rider and try to meet up at the bottom.

Today I was really in the mood to ride that ride, though, and I forced her to go on it. Yes, it's Riley I'm speaking of, and I'll tell you why I forced her, when I'm not typically that type of parent. She's very, very stubborn and if she doesn't want to do something, she won't. Fine. Whatever. I don't eat beets and I don't ride roller coasters - she can have her own borders. I'm cool with that.

But I really wanted her to try it. If she tried, and didn't like it, I promised I'd never ask her again.

So we went and at the end of every slide, when we bottomed out in the pools, I'd turn to her in the tube and ask excitedly, "Isn't this fun?" to which she'd cry, "No!". And my heart broke for her, for I'm not typically that parent. I flashed back to therapy, when she was forced to play with play dough and eat applesauce, blow bubbles and pick up beans in the sand. She hated all of it but she did it and now she does those activities. Loves play dough, stings beads for hours, makes the biggest, messiest messes possible.

We exited the ride and my other kids begged - again, again. She cried and begged not to go, and so we split. I climbed into the pool with her in front of the ride exit so I could watch for the other kids and held my hands up to her. She jumped in to me and instinctively, I pulled her into the cradle of my arms. She nestled her head in the spot below my chin where she used to rest her head years ago, a spot that she's almost outgrown. She jockeyed for position for a minute and I teared up - just a little - knowing that this was one of the last times I'd ever hold a little one like this. I rested my head on hers and thought about life. Pondered being a grown up and feeling verklempt.

And then she kicked me in the crotch to get me to let go and, laughing, swam away in her little float vest.

"Watch me! Catch me!"

As if I could ever stop watching. As if I could ever catch up - this summer, they are all moving farther away from me. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.

Comments

[maggie]

Well put. You have reminded me of the days when my oldest couldn't stand to get wet if in regular clothes - and forcing him to do so. As I am sure you have learned, there are a lot of rides that entail getting wet while not in a swim suit. He is 23 now and I think he can now handle it, but maybe not...

[KatieButler]

I'm waiting for my oldest (14) to get in from a 3-day camping trip with a friend. I so hear you.

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

I love this post and feel for you.

This is why I quit my job and am now at home with my girls, they grow up so fast, I just didn't want to miss anymore of it.

[Kristi]

I love those small moments where you get to see the small children your babies once were. I believe it keeps you going as a parent...without those moments I think I would run away, join the circus, or sell them on e-bay :)

[Tish]

I'm glad you had that moment with R and that you wrote about it. You'll like looking back at this. I know--mine are big kids now with kids of their own.

[madge]

*wells up*

[Sandra]

you had me laughing and crying at the same time w/ that last bit of your story and the kick in the crotch. nothing better to take you out of your mommy moment!! LOL

my littlest is 18 months old, and is growing too quickly! she is becoming SO independent too quickly. i'm savouring every moment w/ her.

[Brenda]

Ocean Breeze? What's the discounted rate that you got at Christmas? (I may be interested for next summer.)

[addy]

It doesn't get easier. She is 20 and still making mistakes. And I WANT TO DO IT FOR HER!! Enjoy the water park it is so much family fun.

[Brandy]

This hit close to home. My eight year old is still at that stage where he wants me close when we're out, but I know the time is coming where that will change.

[KG]

Oh I had to grab a handful of kleenex for that one! Such great writing... thanks for sharing!

And a little off topic: what is up with your shop you have coming???

[Jordan Flipsyde]

Business underlies everything in our national life, including our spiritual life, Witness the fact that in the Lord's prayer the first petition is for daily bread, No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach. Very reasonable!Post by Jordan Flipsyde

[Sharilyn]

Oh, did you have to make me cry???

[UKCraftySal]

This was really poignant, Carmen.I had tears in my eyes.