Do For Others?

I'm having a little bit of a frustrating couple of days and it's brought to mind a question that I've been pondering for QUITE a while..,

How much do you do for others in your life? Do you feel like it's an equal equation, with regards to what others do for you?

Comments

[BeeBelle]

Oh, my goodness, you hit a sore spot. I do it all. My 18-year-old and I were talking about gender roles this week (because of a class she is taking) and I pointed out that early in my marriage I was going to be a LIBERATED woman who could take out the trash, assemble furniture, kill the spiders, and cook the meals, take care of the kids, cars, house, laundry, money etc. - BUT! Because I did, he never did. He says he will do anything I ask, but he never does anything (mowing, taking out the trash) unless I tell him to do it, often more than once. When reminded, he always says "Sure!" cheerfully, but often forgets over some online poker or watching DVDs of old TV shows from the library. The kids are actually better, but they have all noticed that it seems to work for him and have tried it. At this point I have contracts with everyone in the family with daily and weekly contributions - guess who never remembers where his list is or what is on it. For the record, we both work full time and our kids are mostly grown. At least when jobs had gender roles, some of them were definitely HIS.

[Kait]

I do most of it but the husband helps A LOT. To be honest, he helps more than I would if the roles were switched. The girls pick up after themselves, make their own beds, put their own dishes away, etc. Obviously there is still a lot that I help with since they're only 4 and 3 but they do a lot for themselves.

When I first became a SAHW, before we had kids, I kind of became the extended family slave. My parents and siblings would call me to run errands for them all the time, ignoring the fact that I had a house and a life of my own, including school to attend. It took me a long time to be comfortable with telling them no instead of just avoiding their phone calls. It's gotten much better.

I make an effort to be kind of selfish. I take two hours every Saturday while the girls are napping and my husband is home to sneak out for a while. I usually end up at the library or Starbucks but after being trapped at home with two small children all week (no vehicle otherwise we'd be out a lot more!) it's those little things that help. And on Friday nights we put the girls to bed early and have a date night in the house. I refuse to be a martyr and am very open with my needs to my husband. If I need a night of not cooking, he cooks or we go out. If I need a nap when he gets home, I take it. I know myself well enough to know that depriving myself because I don't want to hurt any feelings is just going to cause HUGE problems down the road. I try not to take advantage of it, but it is something I feel free to express to my spouse.

[kyooty]

This comes up a lot here. We are a family of givers. We offer to help our neighbours for little things like loaning out a tool or help for babysitting, or help with coaching different things. I find myself offering out help as a "time" thing more then anything. time to fix a computer. time to talk to a friend. Time to go to the store for a friend's presciption, time to pick up someone else's child. I never though ask for us. I have a tendency to keep my needs to myself. I hate to ask others to help with babysitting (free) or fixing something (Free) because I'd feel like I was taking time away from their families?

[Debby Pucci]

It's not equal and I can tell you as an almost 59 year old woman it will never be equal. I had some frustrating days this week. Maybe it was the full moon!

[Brandy]

I'm the giver and my family are the takers. I do everything for everyone most the time. There are some occasions where the hubs will cook, but other than that? Not much else. My kids? Only when they're told and only after bugging them so often I become frustrated and just do it myself. I know that this isn't the ideal situation, but am at a loss to have it any other way as I want things done.

[Headless Mom]

I could write a novel on JUST.THIS. kyooty sounds a lot like me. and Deb, and Brandy and Beebelle. With HD out of town this week I realized that I still would have been the one doing everything. *sigh*

[Beth]

I read this as I bitterly sip my coffee, waiting for my next gig - a soccer game. Meanwhile, all six kids are doing what they want on their "day off", and my hubby gets to exercise because I'm doing everything else. I may get to ride my bike before the soccer game starts - for only 30 minutes mind you. That's the problem in our house. I work 2 jobs (one is our own business and I do everything there too!), do all the housework, shopping, carpooling, etc. I never have a day off! I guess they think I'm magic because it always all gets done, but really, I'm a witch inside! Must be the full moon, cause I'm frustrated as hell too!

[Emily C]

Something I've been thinking about a lot, too. I've followed your blog for a while and commented my fair share--I have three boys, the oldest is 3 years old. My husband is in graduate school (five years of school down, five to go). He also has an autoimmune disorder.

So he works (which right now is his coursework, research, etc) and I do everything else. Is this fair? I don't know. I can get by on a lot less sleep than he can. I'm at home or with the kids all day while he works 12 hours at school.

I'm usually okay with it, but yesterday he slept for 13 hours. The five hours he was sleeping and the kids were awake were HARD.

[Rox]

If you're talking outside my house, then yes: I give a lot to others, and I feel I get a lot in return. When I was really sick, friends showed up and made a difference in loads of unexpected ways; so I'm even more quick to help if I see a friend in need. (That said, it's also surprising to me who did and who didn't show up!)

Within my house ... yeah, that needs work. We're getting better at shared responsibilities, but the house is also not as clean as it should be, we don't eat as much home-cooking as we ought to, etc etc because I refuse to be made miserable. Everyone here is responsible for finding/making his/her own happiness. I try to help with that, but I'm not responsible for it alone. (And that doesn't always fly: the worst arguments we have are usually over housekeeping.)

[Emily C]

I just took the time to read through the comments, and I think Kait's got the right idea.

I need to not be a martyr.

[Mama Fly]

I often times feel I do not do enough for others. My husband travels alot for work and we have four young children, three of whom play hockey and soccer. I rely a lot on our parents, good friends, my brother and sister-in-law, to help me when he is away. We are so busy and he is gone so much that I usually feel I don't do enough in return. Within the house, I carry the load while he is gone, but it's pretty even when he's home and we work hard to get our kids to do their share.

[Christal]

I used to do too much for the others in my life but now it's shifting. I am learning how to put myself in the list. It's hard to do it, but it allows me to still be me instead of wife, mother, friend, sister, etc.