I Know Where She's Coming From

Yeah, I know, it's not grammatically correct to end a sentence with a preposition. Sue me. The title didn't flow if I wrote it grammatically correct.

I saw a woman at Target yesterday. She had a newborn baby in a Bjorn on her front. She had a one year old on her back. She was chasing a (maybe) three year old. I was so there, so many times in my life. Carrying one, corralling two more, harried and frustrated and never alone.

I was thinking about this, and other deep thoughts, while I was shopping. I'm at a place in my life now where, when the kids have been dropped off at school - I have several hours to myself. I can go to the post office. Yeah, I might have to wait in line for 20 minutes, like I did earlier this week - but I don't have to talk to anyone. I can take my time in the grocery store, try on as many pairs of jeans as I want, and take a nap - without worrying about a little person. I'm really the only one I have to please during the day.

Well, no, I take that back - on days that Nik isn't working, he hangs around like a 2 year old. But I can, at least, tell him to go away.

If I hadn't miscarried last year, I'd have an 8 month old baby. I'd be doing drop off and pick up around breastfeeding and nap time. I'd have a diaper bag instead of a purse. I would again be the mom at high school night with a baby. I would be that mom at Target with the baby strapped to her front. I'd have been the mom I saw at back to school flustered with a sobbing inconsolable infant.

I would have been ok with it. I know I would have, for I feel like it would have been an exciting and enjoyable thing - and I am sad about the fact that I won't get to see my kids as they are now, with a new baby. A new baby is a sweet present that I'd never turn down, no matter how inconvenient or difficult I may have found it.

But I cannot lie that I am happy with where I am right now. And if I am really 100% truthful - I am relieved. And so, so guilt ridden for that relief. I am overwhelmed. I never sleep enough. Never have enough time to do the things I want to do, never mind the things that I MUST do. I feel like my kids often get the short end of the stick, especially the middle ones, and wonder if having another child would have made things even more lopsided. I'm frequently cranky, short tempered, yelling and unhappy with how I handle situations. Even though I'm doing the best I can.

And then I reflect on people who suffer from infertility, and read comments like this:

I do have a pair of $100 jeans and a trip to Puerto Rico. But you have 6 kids & I would have given anything to have had that. After 10 yrs of infertility... daily shots for mama, daily vaginal suppositories  for mama, 3 bouts of bed rest for mama, 30 days hospital in-patient for mama, medivac by helicopter for mama, premature labor at 28 weeks... what you have is priceless.

I know that. I know it. (I count this person as a good friend, and I am SO NOT offended at what she said.) I know that I'm blessed beyond belief, that I have what many women would give their arms and legs to have. I know that I have been so, so lucky to have been entrusted to raise up these six individuals, to be the one who helps them form the concepts that will guide them throughout their lives. To be the one that teaches them right from wrong, the one who is there for them to ask questions of, to be there when they need a shoulder.

But I won't lie that seeing the woman in Target pulled at my heart in ways I wasn't expecting. I thought I'd processed the miscarriage, the unexpected surgical end of my fertility, and the fact that my family was complete. I don't think that I will ever be truly grateful for what I have.

Self induced guilt. My ever present companion.

Comments

[amie]

Love u girl :)

[Beth]

It's been 14 1/2 years since my stillborn, and even though I had 3 more kids later, I cannot help but see kids that age and wonder... One of my good friends had her fourth child, her only son, on the day of my son's death. In fact, we were 2 rooms down from her in the hospital. So every time I see Stephen, I am reminded. It never goes away, but it does serve as a very necessary reminder to me that I should be happy, blessed, and content with what I do have. And I am. God knows our hearts and also our breaking points ;) He is good!

[Headless Mom]

Wow Carmen. This is a terrific post. I have tears.

I sometimes mourn for the baby that I wish that I'd had after my youngest, the third pregnancy that I'd always wanted but never got since we already had one child when we got married.

xoxo

[Wendy]

Hugs. Every single time April 4 rolls around I think my third child was due that day. I wonder if that baby was a He or a She. Then I look at my Zoe that came after and I wouldn't have her. Zoe is meant to be my daughter and meant to complete this family.

[Bridget]

SO much of this hits home with me.

I currently *am* that mom in Target-5yo, 4yo, 1 yo and then pregnant again. And there are days that I bitch and moan and cry because of...well, everything. And then? I think of this person or that person and I think, "I am so lucky. I have it all. I should really quit fussing about it." But it's hard.

This is my 4th(and final planned pregnancy) and the second baby after a miscarriage a few years ago. I thought I was over it, but those emotions still bubble up sometimes when I least expect it.

And the guilt, oh the guilt! So much guilt, most of my mind's imagination. But too much to even verbalize.

Thank you and hugs to you, Carmen.

[Kait]

Even though we're about to add two more to our family I still think about the one (adoption) that didn't get to happen, the baby that is buried on the other side of the world that we were convinced was our son. I still think about the babies my body didn't let me give birth to. I still think about how old they would be and wonder what our family would look like with ALL those kids.

I know that somehow our family will end up being exactly as it is supposed to. I know that I'll probably never give birth even though I'll be a mom to at least four kids.

But that doesn't mean I ever stop wondering. I don't think it's possible.

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

I lost a baby when I was 23, she would have been 21 years old this year, I still think about my Aubrey Rose and thank God for the two sweet babies I have now.

[Rox]

Hugs to you. Because of my health issues, we'll never have the third and fourth kids we were planning to have; and, while that doesn't take away from the blessings of the two I do have, I wonder when it'll stop hurting a little bit when friends get pregnant with their third (even though I rejoice with them, of course). Especially when I hold a sweet little baby, my heart beats a little harder. To want something so badly, knowing that I have it in me to be a mom again yet can't be, is the hardest emotional struggle I've faced, I think. All that said, I've accepted the completeness of my life as-is and find my kids' growth exciting ... and there will be grandchildren someday, right...?

[UKCraftySal]

Thank you for - again - reminding me to count my blessings. I have 2 healthy children from 2 pregnancies, and should remember how lucky I am more often.

[J from Ireland]

You are so right. I moan all the time about all that I have to do for my kids, never having alone time etc., but you have really made me feel grateful for the little frickers.
Sláinte Carmen.

[kyooty]

You are doing what you are meant to do, we don't ever know the grand plan. We just do with what we are given. I too am alone for various hours in the day. There is guilt in me for feeling excited about being out during the day and getting my hair done alone. It's an amazing feeling but then I wonder "what's next". I went out lastnight with a friend shopping. She said "I started today" and I looked at her and said "today???????????" because all summer we were relatively synced up... I sat in her car counting backwards. I was convinced the 25th was the day I was last starting...... so I thought about that all night all kinds of babies were popping out of aisles in the store, all kinds of tiny little new born cuddly in carseat size. I came home and did my calendar the 25th was eggday of lastttttttttttt cycle.. so I'm good, but agin there is guilt should I be relieved?

[Jennifer]

I hear you sister. I am happy and sad at the same time - those years were tough but worth it.

[Pat]

My Mom had 4 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth. She needed to talk one day and I was the person who was there (in high school at the time). Among other things, she said that as sad as the miscarriages were, the still-birth tore her heart out. Her OB wouldn't tell her if the still-born baby was a boy or girl because he said she would be thinking, "My son/daughter would have been x years old today" every year when the expected delivery date came around. Mom was mad at him at the time (thought he was being presumptious, to tell her what she would be thinking.) Years later she told me that the doc. had been right. She never really singled out the miscarriages, but every year she did think that that still-born baby would have been x years old now.

Mom had 8 living children but she still thought about that still-born one.

[Issa]

I think the guilt is built into our DNA. Truly I do. Also, I wonder if we are ever happy with the way it turned out, or do we still always wonder, what if?

I have no answers. I'd like more kids. How, when, where...all questions that I don't have the answers too.

[Christal]

Another thought provoking post. Thank you. I am on another end of the spectrum. Drama and stress and I just want to walk away from it all. I'm tired of being the only adult in our house. May next month be better. Though I guess I'm not as bad as my co-worker. She said yesterday if she had to keep working here (in this job with us) for the next 30 years she'd rather shoot herself. I wondered if she was always this negative and if when she was sick for a week this month if she was really just really depressed about work...

But I also wonder about those other children I didn't have. What would they have been like and would it work for me to just go into a field where I'd work with children?