No Pity Parties Allowed

But, oh how I wanted to have one today...

I decided, long about the time that the fourth kid came, when my first kid was ten, that I wasn't going to use the fact that we had a larger than average amount of children keep me from doing anything, or keep my kids from experiencing stuff. (Man, that's a long sentence.)

I made a firm promise to myself. I didn't want my kids to resent their siblings, to say that child X kept them from doing anything, that if only you didn't have the baby I could have done x/y/z. And that's a promise that I've stuck with, through thick and thin, even though it's caused me some stress and some angst and makes my life complicated. I still stand by it.

I know that I've said here before that my husband works long hours - and he does. Incredibly long hours that, although they don't involve travel, they might as well, for there are days when he leaves for work and comes home and I'm asleep. He works in a very stressful field and doesn't get a lot of time off work, and when he does, he likes to do stuff with the family - for, as he's said before, the kids are growing up and he's just not here.

I knew what his work entailed when we were married. I was maybe a little unprepared for the reality of that as the family grew, for it's not the added baby that screws you up, but the schedules and needs of the older ones. A baby just kind of folds in, but those big kids, with their big mouths and their big sports and their big needs - those kids are the ones that cause me to wish desperately for a time/space shift just once.

I try, as much as I can, to avoid playing the I have six kids card. I don't want there to be any excuse, I don't want to hear Well, you shouldn't have had those kids, and I DEFINITELY don't want to hide behind my kids and make excuses. I hate to play that card - but I had to today - and I pissed some people off.

Riley had soccer pictures immediately after school. Mackenzie had a cross country meet at another school. Allegra had to be driven to the martial arts studio. Nik had to go to work. It was POURING rain. If Riley was able to get her picture taken first, and if I was able to get Mackenzie a ride, and if Allegra was ready when I got there - I could maybe make it back to the end of the race in time to see Mackenzie finish. I HATE to miss her races. I'm there for everyone else's games, practices, etc and I don't like to see her go to a race and have no one cheer for her. It's just not fair and she doesn't deserve it. When we went for the pictures, I had to ask to have Riley's taken first, so we could leave - and I could tell, there were some unhappy people. Some angry looks.

But what could I have done? I had to get home to get Allegra, drive her across town, get back to get Mackenzie, take everyone home, give them dinner (Thank GOD I always have extra spaghetti sauce in the freezer) and get back an hour later to get Allegra. I made it to the race in time to see Mackenzie cross the finish line, and as we walked back to the van - parked across the way in a grocery store lot because the school was too full - my eyes filled. But I don't DO pity parties and I will be damned if I'm going to feel sorry for myself and I swiped at the tears and bit my lip and moved on.

And then I remembered that we were out of V8 and milk and it's supposed to rain AGAIN tomorrow and Gabe has no rain coat and Allegra wanted boots and so I picked Allegra up and dropped everyone at home and went to Target...

Where there were no raincoats or boots. Payless, same thing. I called my husband in frustration but he couldn't talk and I decided to take my annoyed personality into Wal-Mart. I was feeling sorry for myself - because, really, this just SUCKS and it's hard to do all of this by myself and I'm so so so sick of it and I was ready for someone else to take over and I walked in through the doors...

and my feet slipped on the wet floor and I landed smack on my butt. And I just started to laugh.

Because, really, what else was there to do?

Comments

[Wendy]

Honestly, you had every right to ask that she go first. It wasn't a case of having 6 kids, it was just a case of being a mom who needed to be in 14 different places at once. I have 3 kids, 14, 7, and 5 and even with a husband who is very helpful and doesn't work crazy hours, I can't manage to do it all. But oh how I try. There are so many times where I wish I could be in more than one place, as evidence by me having to miss "family night" in my son's kindergarten class to attend a volleyball game for my oldest. Daddy went to "family night," but Mom was not happy about it.

Also, that definitely sounds like something that would also happen to me while walking into Walmart after a day like that..

[QuatroMama]

Oh sweet mama. Pity Parties ALLOWED. It's your pity party and you can laugh if you want to...

(((((Hugs))))

[Amie]

Sorry:( tomorrow will be better or at least different. My day was disappointing too. When exactly will I learn to never volunteer for anything?

[Kristie]

I would invite you over for coffee, but while trying to be efficient at 11:30pm last night (waiting for uniforms to finish washing so I could put them in the dryer) I busted my third Cuisinart coffee pot. All I was trying to do was put the dishes away so I could be ready to greet the day. Then I spent a half an hour cleaning glass off a floor I had just mopped. Pity parties all around...we'll go out for coffee :-)

[addy]

So sorry - hope your butt is ok. And you just have to laugh out loud sometimes. And yes it is tough when you have a large family. It.just.is.

[moosh in indy.]

I'm proud of you.

If you made the whole six kids thing look effortless I wouldn't be your friend.

My mom never made it to a single one of my games.

Not. a. single. one.

And there were only two of us.

I know she did the best she could, but I know for a fact I'm going to be doing my hardest to do better than her best. Because her best, albeit it being her best, hurt me, a lot.

I didn't see the kind of effort out of her ever that you put out in one day of your life.

Sorry mommy, I love you. But, we have a lot of issues.

[Karen]

Hugs

[Ashley]

Good for you for laughing instead of sobbing hysterically.

I have no children, 2 jobs, am a full-time student, and teach private music lessons to 10 children.

I have no idea how you manage what you do. You are an amazing person. Keep up the good work. :-)

[Headless Mom]

My #2 had a crappy day today and I asked him if he'd ever heard this: "Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug". He laughed and said, "Yep, Mom, I'm the big fat bug today!"

((hugs))

You do more for your kids than many I know with only 2, and sometimes you just can't do it all-it's physically impossible. They know how hard you try and will appreciate it ALL someday.

[Carolyn]

That's my life motto: sometimes, when things get bad, the only thing left to do is laugh. (I'm sorry you had a bad day though, that is never fun! But it does seem like the universe got your attention in the end!)

[Jennifer Joyner]

I thought you were going to say that you asked for some big, huge favor because you have six kids. Asking to go first for pictures is not a big deal, and any parent that gave you a hard time about it can go stick it! I don't know how you keep it all together, but I applaud you. I only have two kids because I can barely keep it together with just them--I applaud moms like you!

[kyooty]

I don't have 6 kids? I have 3 and still I'm doing the same thing. I'm running all over gods green earth picking up or dropping off or waiting for buses and trying to be everywhere for everyone. My oldest isn't quite old enough to babysit. He can though stay here for a few minutes on his own while I'm collecting others? GUILT! last week the worry just about killed me. TJ's school gets out at 250pm. MJ's bus gets here at 250pm, AJ gets out at 315pm. I had to collect MJ at the bus (cause school for him is out at 210pm and not worth the drive in and back out here to the boonies) drag him into town to pick up AJ, get him in the car, with "Stuff", drive down the road to the middle school and when I get there? NO TJ!!!!!!!!! I walk in, leaving two in car with an apple, get the secretary to page TJ? nope! drive to the grocerystore, call hubbie at work to be on teh look out incase TJ calls? leave message at home for TJ to tell him incase he;s there? nope! because I locked the house.. I then yelled at myself the whole way home. I get home? He's sitting on the porch swing reading his homework, he forgot about the meet! And relax! supper, home work, showers, bed not enough hours in the day!
todya? we get to do it again but the meet is closer to the school so I can wait on buses and meet TJ at the finish line. They haven't started Band, and Curling yet and MJ hasn't decided what to "do"

[Nicki]

Don't sweat the picture thing, lots of parents have to do that because of schedules. As far as everything else, don't beat yourself up over not being able to get to everything. Your kids know full well that you love them and are doing your level best, but I hardly think they will put you in a bad home and never speak to you again because you couldn't always be at their meets/races, etc. :)The guilt, she is truly a parent thing. I only have 3 and one of them I would him serious money if he would go find an activity and would cheerfully add even more driving time to our schedule, but even then there are days where we are scrambling and things are just a mess.

Some days, you really do just have to laugh.

[Nicki]

Oh for crying out loud, that was supposed to be pay him serious money. Teach me to type at the same time I am fixing my 4-year-old something to eat. Oy.

[Beth]

Oh my gosh, that's my life to the "T". I just love it when I'm running all over to get milk or whatever, fly home for the next event, only to find out we have no _____. And we need it. Now. I also try not to play the 6 kids card, and not let it hold anyone back from what they want to do, but seriously, I think they really don't want to do as much as society pushes them to do. One sport at a time (times 6) is really all we can handle, with one "off-season" for everybody at the same time. It keeps me sane!

[Emily C]

Nice. I'm glad you laughed :-)

[Jenn]

I feel the same way. I have three kiddos- ages 9 (birthday today), 6 and 5. I feel as though I am a single mom with financial backing. Between them, the puppy and volunteering....there isn't a whole lot of good going on right now. As a matter of fact, yesterday was a horrible day and to top it off, after the dog peed in the house, i took him out and them he pulled the leash which knocked me flat on my butt in a pile of mud. I had to clean up his mess, get changed and leave the dinner mess out bc I had exactly 2 minutes till I had to leave for church. Yay. Lately, every day is a little bit worse than the one before it. It will get better though and I am blessed in many ways.

[Brandy]

I've always been amazed at all your kids do, and the way you sacrifice for them to do the things they want to do. I have two kids and maybe half the activities y'all do and feel guilty for not doing more. HUGS!

[Elizabeth]

Pbbtth! on the parents who got upset. There was ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with asking to go first for whatever reason. If the photographer had an issue, then they would have said so. It's not like there is a hard and fast rule for taking pics. I've done it myself & I have only 1 kid but we had somewhere else to be. I could have skipped the photo session but Charlie really wanted his picture taken.

Glad you managed to laugh at some point during the day.

[Shelly]

My mom and Dad never came to any of my games, musical performances or Teacher Conferences. I am the oldest of 7. I have my 4 boys, with 2 having severe health issues and we spend quite a bit of time at our local childrens hospital. I work hard to keep those two healthy as it impacts the lives of my other children and our family routines. I keep their appts so they don't mess up our schedules too much and so far, so good. No hospital stays in almost 4 years, when they use to be every week for the 1st 6 years.
I am at every cub pack meeting, court of honor, sports event, musical productions. I think the Cross Country meets were the things I missed since they were far away and traveling wasn't something I could do with one hooked to machines 24/7. I have never asked for help, because the help wasn't there. I have never made our situation an excuse for why something didn't happen...except the Cross Country things.

[Molly]

I don't think it's a pity party at all. It's just a reality party. And sometimes reality is tricky and messy and hard.

[Jules]

You can only do your best with what you have to work with. As for the request to have pictures done first - screw the people that gave you a look. As a mom of 4, with 4 different crazy schedules, I know that you can't make everyone happy and I'd rather piss off a stranger (or at least an acquaintance) than disappoint one of my kids. I've been reading here a long time and I think you do an amazing job Carmen. I hope today was better.

[~ifer @ The Mind of ~Ifer]

I am the second of 6 kids in my family, and I have to say, sometimes people just need to cut a break for the woman with the most! I admire your resolve not to use that as an excuse for anything, but I also think you need to cut yourself some slack. And pat yourself on the back, because after a day like yesterday? You deserve it.

[maggie]

Me too!

[Kati]

I only have two, but with a hubby and his long-hour job on top of crazy-hour job (HS teacher), it's similar for us too. I actually made up a typical daily schedule and pie chart that I whip out every year for the inevitable kid who wonders why I cannot get his/her test graded by the next day. Well, I'm "on stage" all day, then tutor after school, then I tend to family until 9, then I have 4 different types of classes to prep...and dear me, I have to sleep for a few hours as well.

The dawning look of shocked comprehension is always a tad vindicating.

As far as the picture "cutting in line" goes, fuggetaboudit. Great goodly moogly, everybody has days where, if the pieces don't fit together just so, one will fall to the floor and shatter. For all anyone else knew, you had someone in the hospital to tend to, or any other number of emergencies.

They are probably the same people who cut you off on the highway to save themselves three useless seconds.

Anyway, let the guilt go because it's totally unwarranted. Some days are successful simply because you survived them. And your ability to still laugh at the end of such a frazzling day is a gift indeed.