The Uncomprehensible Goal of Perfection

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

ee cummings, US poet

I read an AMAZING post this week. Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing, wrote: The Disease Called Perfection. ( I also swiped the thought of that quote from the post)

It was probably the single most inspiring post I've read this year, and maybe for several years. Please go and read it. I'll wait right here for you.

Did you find it inspiring? I certainly did. I strive for perfection all of the time, and beat myself silly when I fall flat. And yet, I will fall flat every single time I aim to be perfect, for there is no way that I ever COULD be perfect. I am perfectly imperfect, and I'm ok with that. Better than ok with it - I'm glad with it. I think it makes me a better friend.

I had a conversation with another mother this week, who said that she thinks of me as a pretty much perfect mom and person. She told me that she wanted to be just like me. She held up several examples of areas while I sat aghast and open mouthed at her words - for there could be nothing further from the truth. Hearing this wonderful woman speak, and reading the above post, really crystallized something both in me and for me.

I use this space here on my blog to help. To help myself remember things that I've done, that my kids have done or said. I use this space to help others - to see that often, what appears impossible can really be done. I use this space to keep myself real - to show the good and the bad and the reality. I don't have it all together, don't know what I'm doing 99% of the time, and make much of everything up as I go along. I think that there is a faith and a validity to being able to say to other women This is hard. Life is hard. Raising kids is insanely difficult and I make so many mistakes that it's not even funny.

Dan wrote: What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism.

And again, later: You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.

You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.

You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.

You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.

You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.

He encouraged his readers to share the post, to Facebook and tweet it, and above all, to discuss how they aren't perfect. I'm all for it. Shall I begin?

I am always the one wearing the wrong clothes. I am either over or under dressed EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. No matter where I go, you can count on me to be the one incorrectly dressed. Unless I have to wear a uniform.

I am tops at washing the clothes and drying them, and I never can get them put away.  We root around for clothes in baskets. Well, except for towels. I always put those away for some reason. And my husband's clothes. But not mine. And the big kids are on their own.

My kitchen floor is sticky in spots because I can't be bothered to mop it - unless someone is coming over. I clean the toilets and change the sheets when they look dirty - not on a schedule or because someone else said to. Speaking of which...

My house is clean when it needs to be and untidy much of the rest of the time. I'm wildly ADD about the deep cleaning. I spot clean when something catches my eye - trim in the dining room, for example - but the rest of the time, I'm too busy keeping up with daily dishes and laundry. In fact, I tried FlyLady once - maybe twice - and got so frustrated after a couple of days that I simply unsubbed. I feel a lot of guilt about the fact that it doesn't get done when it should - but then I ignore it.

I yelled so much at my overly sensitive kid this week, when he just would NOT do what he was told, that I made him cry.

I gave my kids pancakes for lunch. I had a piece of apple pie. AND 2 pancakes. I had the pie because I hid it from my kids. Yes. I do that all the time - hide the good things that I might want from the kids.

Listen - I love to cook. LOVE to cook, to create, to experiment - but I don't care if you don't. I love to make my own bread - but I am not looking down on you if you buy a grocery store bread. Or blue box macaroni and cheese. I don't care. We all make choices and we all make decisions - and what works for me doesn't work for you. I'm cool with that.

Let me repeat that - I don't care if you don't make food at home - I do it because I like to do it, not because I'm trying to make you feel inadequate. It's fun for me. I don't like to sew. I don't like to scrapbook. I don't like to do lots of things that other people do - but I like to cook.

My kids have scrapbooks that are undone, pictures that haven't been catalogued, and in fact, I forget to take pics of important stuff like my kids receiving awards and sometimes, I even forget to go to the ceremonies. But I take tons of pictures of other stuff. I'm unbalanced that way.

I'm grumpy. Oh, how I'm grumpy. My hubby gets the brunt of it most often, and then I feel guilty, for I'm sending him to a stressful, grumpy work place - and sometimes, I don't care. I'm impatient.

I would rather take a boxing class than do just about anything else. Except maybe nap.

I'm me. I'm NOT perfect. I'm not a Madonna martyr - I question my religion all the time. My hubby hates that part of me.

I'm me. I'm NOT perfect. I curse. A lot. I am sarcastic and rude and don't keep my opinions to myself. I'm tough on my kids and have been the parent who tells the teacher at back to school night - Good luck with that one - talking about my own kid.

I lost a lot of weight - and still battle with hatred of my body every.single.day.

I'm late - I try not to be late, but something always comes up.

I'm not thrifty with my money. If I have it, there's always something I want to spend it on.

But here's the thing, the root of this entirely much too long post: I LIKE ME. I think I'm a good friend, because I have no pretense. I am unequivocally me. And I'm pretty fun and not at all fake.

I think.

Now, your turn. Lay it on me.

Comments

[Headless Mom]

Thanks for this, and for the link. You'll have to wait for my response because I WILL write my own post.(Yes, I had tears.)

[Hayes]

Dear Carmen, today was a banner day for bad at my house. Thank you for this. Seriously. Thanks.
Hayes

[Nicole]

I weighed in on my blog.

And I want to thank you for posting both the link and your message! It's exactly what I needed to hear today!

[maggie]

Once again, thank you for your honesty and for the link! I also strive for perfection. For who? And when said perfection is not achieved I become withdrawn and you would never know there is a perfectionist in me. I've been struggling with this lately, thank you for the perspective!

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

Wow, a lot to think about...I would like to write about this, but tonight I am exhausted from a "less than perfect" day at my house.

[addy]

Thank you - I too am Imperfect. And ok with it. I will write more later. Thank you for being the incomprable Carmen!

[Kelly]

This post is EXACTLY why I read your blog! You are real and you make me feel OK about being real, too.
Perfection is something I see some of my friends trying to achieve and it brings them more stress than just being themselves.

[Lawyer Mama]

Great reminder. Although, I've discovered that when I write about the really nasty imperfections (and we're not talking sticky floor type stuff), people are uncomfortable. (The "real" bloggy friends, they do stick around and it's a good way to find out who they are!)
But we have to talk about all the messy stuff we hide under the bed or the perpetual cycle of impossible happiness continues. So keep bringing the messy stuff on, sister!

[Katie]

Thanks for this post i've been a bit down on myself lately for not achieving enough but it helps to realize everyone has there flaws/doubts/struggles. We are all in this together!

[Kait]

I yell at my perfectionist kid sometimes. I know her need to have perfect balance to everything is something she can't help but come on! I asked you to put your shoes away, not reorganize the entire closet!

Even though my goal is to always have the kitchen clean before going to bed it almost never gets done.

My kids sometimes don't eat breakfast until ten am. Sometimes they stay in their pajamas all day, only taking them off to put new ones on at bedtime.

I pulled my daughter out of preschool because I felt like she wasn't learning anything I couldn't teach her and because I missed her. I'm not sure how I'll handle sending her to kindergarten.

We are always broke. There is no reason for this except poor impulse control. It makes me sick to think of how much money we waste.

Sometimes I skip church because I just don't feel up to the smiling and shaking hands and playing nice with people.

[MelissaS]

Thank you for that link. I needed that! We just moved across the country to have a "better quality of life." I love where we are living now, the new house, good schools, sense of community. However, I am feeling guilty about not volunteering enough for all the activities that are going on. I stay home with my 1 year old, so can't be a class mom for my 2nd grader. My husband travels, so I can't regularly volunteer in the evenings. I like my alone time and don't always want to go to the neighborhood parties. Money is not an issue for us, thank goodness, but we have plenty of other issues to keep us busy. It's good to know we are NOT ALONE!

[Issa]

It's funny, but I've seen that link about 6 times in various places and I still haven't clicked it. Guess maybe it's time too.

I am not perfect. Not by any means. I'll give you a few. :)

I don't do art projects with my kids. We sit and play Angry Birds instead.

I don't cook very well. My kids think grilled cheese is a homemade meal.

I haven't cleaned my kitchen since Friday.

I yell more than I should and other times, I spoil and give in, more than I should.

I plan vacations alone, but haven't taken my kids on a vacation in a few years. (although their dad has and my mother has..so they aren't lacking in Disney trips and such places.)

[Brandy]

Very thought provoking post. I try hard to be perfect and then harangue myself when I fail at something. I'm trying to learn to let go of certain things/beliefs, but it's hard.

[Jennifer]

When my father died unexpectedly & suddenly a few years ago I was yanked out of the "perfection" syndrome. What I learned through that experience, is that everybody has a hard life - and nobody is immune from suffering. Sometimes it's visibly obvious what someone else's cross is, but other times it's hidden. It's funny (and I say this not to point fingers at anyone) but it cured me of the jealousy bug. And when you're not jealous of other people, what they look like, their kids, whom they're married to, what kind of house they live in or places they vacation, you begin to see them as "real" too.

But I still loathe reading aloud to my kids; I'm terrible at saving $ and food shopping and I'd rather read a bunch of blogs all afternoon than volunteer at my kid's school and make small talk to other moms.

[Dan Pearce]

Hey, it's Dan from Single Dad Laughing. Just wanted to tell you how beautiful this post was. THANK YOU for helping spread the message.

Single Dad Laughing

[Megsie]

I think that the people missing light bulbs in their halos are more interesting.

I agree with Lawyer Mama, there needs to be an end to the judgmental attitudes and dirty looks when some one divulges their own imperfections. We all know that passing judgment on others isn't too perfect now don't we.

[S.]

There are plenty of little ways in which I'm not perfect -- of course that's true for everyone -- but maybe the biggest way, right now at least, is that I find myself hating my mother. I can't admit it to anybody. But she makes me so freaking angry. An accumulation of things about her over the years have pissed me off again and again and again. But I mean she's my mother, shouldn't I be able to nod sagely like a priest and just forgive her, just like that POOF You are forgiven Mom!! No I can't do it. I'm avoiding her phone calls and feeling cold blooded inside me because I'm so angry. Well, I could go on... but that's it in a nutshell. I ought to be forgiving her but right now I just can't.

[Debby Pucci]

Headless told me about this post so I came over to read yours and his. I know that I have to go back and read them again. I am not very good at absorbing what I read.

[Rox]

My aunt used to have a plaque hanging on her wall that I take to heart as I'm raising my kids. It read:
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For babies grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs
Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.