Dear Children: The Church Edition

Don't forget - I'm giving away CASH MONEY and I'd love to give it to someone I know here. Also, did you participate in the NFL post, and the interview of my kids (the one where you all were able to ask them questions) is now live. ALSO - want to enter to win a copy of Petz Nursery 2 for DS - go nooooowwww!

 

Dear Children:

I know that you have been going to church since before you can remember. Today we saw absolutely no evidence of any of the lessons that you've learned growing up - not to mention the lessons of your Catholic school teachers. So, in order to avoid any further trouble, I present to you a list of what is and is not appropriate behavior. Please take a few minutes to study this - after all, the holidays are almost upon us and you know we will be at church even more.

As of right this minute, the following activities are not allowed:

• jumping up and down
• flipping the pages of one hymnal back and forth
• ultimately ripping said pages
• crying about ripping said pages
• grabbing your sister in a head lock and giving her a noogie
• even if she did push you off the kneeler
• laying on the floor with the hymnal
• and using that as a "prayer posture"
• Keeping up a running commentary while you perform altar server duties
• Lifting your skirt to adjust your tights
• twisting my fingers into a pretzel
• balking right before you are adminstered communion, because you've decided that it's more appropriate to let me go first
• thereby confusing Father into puzzlement as he wonders if you are old enough to receive
• laying across the pew immediately before your sibling attempts to sit
• and then screaming when you get your hair sat on
• Wiping your nose on your hand
• and then performing the Sign of Peace

I'll add to this list as necessary.

Love,

Mom

Comments

[Elizabeth]

We're working on how to behave in church as well since Charlie has moved from extended session to worship service, at least until dismissed for "The Great Adventure" right before the sermon. That's what we're calling the children's service.

[Busy Mom]

It must have been something in the air yesterday. We had issues (more than usual), too.

[Betsy]

I have one who tests me like this weekly. I call him my ticket to heaven.

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

for my family, I will add sitting down in the middle of the aisle and refusing to move during communion.

[KarenP]

My husband grew up Catholic, I converted several years ago. Guess who has to mention the idea of going to Mass...not him. Last night I asked if he wanted to go to church since we didn't go in the morning. His response was why do you always ask, am I supposed to be excited about going? I don't like going by myself. If I don't say something about going we don't go. Sigh.

[Pat]

My parents had their routine for avoiding church melt-downs: Mom and Dad went to two different Masses. Mom went to early (7:00 am Mass) and then came home and watched the little kids while fixing Sunday breakfast for the older (school-age) kids who Dad took to 9:00 am Mass. As an ex-military man, Dad would have taken us out of church and walloped us six ways to Sunday if we misbehaved. When Mom and Dad were going to Mass in their 80s, they had a hard time with the accepted practice of it being ok for kids to read books and eat Cheerios while at Mass.

[bama cheryl]

We took our (non-Catholic) granddaughters, ages 3 and 5, with us to church yesterday for the first time in a long time. They do go to church so they knew to be quiet but I was still really nervous. After Mass, the 5 year old gave the pictures she drew to the priest. Adorable and yet nerve wracking. However, I've seen all the behaviors you mention in other people's kids. It's just the full moon, no worries!

[Megan]

Hilarious! I'm sure my parents could have written this. I was confirmed in the Episcopal church and went almost every Sunday for 17 years. Yet to this day I still don't really know what happens more than 10 minutes into the service because my mind has always wandered by then.

[Kathleen]

Oh how I laughed! Good one, as I had to threaten my ELEVEN year old with a "do-over" for chatting during Mass. Every tried that one? One "repeat" Mass is all it takes to get them to sit still (helps if the rest of the family gets donuts while you two stay for the next Mass).

You forgot elbow fighting, crawling under the pew to say hi to the people behind you, squeezing your brothers' hands as HARD as you can during the Our Father or staring cross-eyed at the siblings who are altar serving (forgetting that the priest and deacon see you too-- until they mention it after Mass)...

We just keep on trucking, every Mass is extra grace (for them AND me!) and it doesn't hurt to just kindly ask that grumpy grandma sitting in front of you to say an extra prayer for kids too sick to be rambunctious -- gets 'em every time!!

[Barbara]

What no climbing on the pews or performing step exercises on the kneelers? I'm glad my kids aren't the only ones misbehaving in church. At least they're there. ;)

[amie]

Oh my! My kids have done all these at mass & I only have two. I esp love the squeezing of hands extra hard during Our Father, the loud stage whispers & fighting over who to sit by. Everyone wants to sit by Daddy bc he is nicer . Btw we did the mass do-over once & it was not pretty but never required again.

[Nanette]

This made me laugh - but I totally get where you are coming from.

Imagine this:
I am sitting in the front pew right in front of our pastor with my 3 boys(dad on business trip). My oldest (8 at the time) hands me a piece of hard candy very quietly (it was already unwrapped. I pop it into my mouth and within a second I realize that it is a SOUR WARHEAD! As I sat there trying not to react he starts to smile and giggle. I managed to get through it pretty quickly. After the service we walked through to greet the pastor - he asked me quite discreetly what was going on during the service. I looked at him and asked my son to tell him what he did. The pastor laughed and high fived him! We still laugh at this.

[Headless Mom]

This is one of the funniest things that you've written in a long time! I read it out loud and my 9yo decided that he should dance. Smart alec.

xoxo

[Brandy]

I just have two and the teenager is fine. The eight year old? He curls himself around me every time we stand up and to keep him busy I take a pack of gum with me every week. *g* Great post!

[Nicole]

Oh, my goodness! At least my little one is still at the age where he dances to the music and now that he can say "Amen," he always echoes it at the end of prayers. I wish i could hold on to his stage a bit longer.

And maybe send him to yours in the hopes it'll rub off?

[Katherine]

Oops... you aren't supposed to lift your skirt to adjust your tights? (writing that one down now..)

[Jennifer]

Ha ha. We do the "repeat" Mass too! We've also made certain children WALK home from Mass if they're behavior warrants it. We only live 1.5 miles from church so it's not bad.

[kimmie]

My kids sit in front of us with a friend of our's and her daughter. It's easier to grab them when you're behind them. *tee-hee*

[elz]

Is it bad that I not so surreptitiously use Purell after the sign of peace? Man, people are all coughy and sneezy and gross! I don't take the wine for the same reason- nasty communicable diseases.

[Lyz]

Ok, the post was funny, but the comments just keep it going! Awesome.

Evangelicals here. I firmly believe in shipping the kids out to Sunday School during the service. They can sit with us when they are old enough to understand more. (And in the summers when there is no SS. We are always very excited for fall, even though the kids do alright.:)

[kyooty]

That list is nice and short. I find every sunday a challenge to get my biggest child there. (married him)

[Jodie in MN]

I could have written that list! Is it really that hard to sit quietly for an hour? Last week, my middle boy was stage whispering, "Evil" Our only saving grace is that we sit in a section with lots of young families and ours aren't always the loudest and most annoying. I have to say I would definitely do the do-over if we had more than one service.

[Mar]

Our list would also include no you may not go to the bathroom and you will not die of thirst in an hours time.

If you can make it through school mass you can make it through Sunday mass. And if not, I would be happy to ask your teacher what mass they will be at next week and if you can sit with her.

[LizP]

I'm going to borrow your list! I wish I had it when I'd first gotten married so I could have educated my stepsons better. Apparently "behave" is not specific enough :-)