It May be Sappy and Contrived, but It's Real

Did you your kids get too much candy last night? Before you dive into that stash, take a minute - won't you please?  - and watch this cool slideshow. (Full disclosure - I created this bad boy. I worked hard on it and could badly use some love on the post.) Get a glimpse of what 100 calories of some of your favorite candy looks like and how much exercise you need to fit in - if you decide to go for that second Butterfinger...

I went on a short trip last week. A fully sponsored blog junket, which I won't be writing about here, due to Ad Network restrictions, but instead will be writing over on Scrutiny in the next couple of days. It was for a cause that I believe in and I had a good time.

It came to me at almost the last minute and as soon as I saw the date, I knew I had a conflict.

I think that the first email came to me about a week ago. I'm not sure, but it was from a trusted blog idol and she asked if I'd be interested in taking a trip on Friday, Oct 29. I'd leave on Thursday, spend the night in Philly, attend the function on Friday and fly back that night. On the calendar was one thing.

Riley's Saints Parade.

In first grade religion, they focus on the Saints. Each child picks a saint and they learn a part of a speech, usually about 3 lines. It's only part of a speech because they kids do the production in groups. One speech is written for St. Therese - Riley's saint, and all of the St. Therese's get up there - in full costume - and they each say their part of the speech, passing the microphone down. Riley knew her speech cold. She said it several times a day for me.

I was one of nine children. My four sisters and I were the only ones to survive. We were very close all our lives.

But, there was a problem. You know that, right? There's always a problem.

I couldn't get her to say the speech in public. Her teacher had trouble getting her to say the speech. We worked and worked on it, and she was difficult and stubborn and she wasn't going to do it. When I pushed, she clammed up. She told me she was nervous, and when I told her that everyone gets nervous, she said I'm nervous up to the moon and back. Her teacher said worst case, she'd let her dress up and walk and if she didn't do the speech, it was fine.

I've never missed a function. Ever. I am at every game for her, every everything for just about every kid. I bust my tail to be there for my kids. I did miss Back to School night for my high schooler (Who, btw, was told by a teacher that I didn't come because I don't love her (!!!!!) instead of understanding that people work and have lives. Oh, yay.) If I went on this trip, I'd miss her Saints parade. (And trick or trunk, but the parade was what I was more concerned with missing.)

I weighed back and forth, talked to my mom and my husband, and ultimately decided to go. My mom would be there. My husband would be there. My three younger kids who go to this school would be there. She'd have a lot of support, and I felt conflicted still, but I went. I wasn't even sure that she'd do the speech. I told a select few that I would miss the production, and I could tell there was some judgment there. Who misses the parade? I reasoned with myself - maybe she'd do better if I wasn't there. So I went.

And at 2:17 p.m. on Friday, my cell phone buzzed with a message from my friend and one from my mother. She did the speech.

My mom called me after dismissal and put Riley on the phone. She was nonchalant about the entire matter. Of course she did it. She never thought she wouldn't. She offered to sing the song for me and I accepted. As she sang, tears filled my eyes and I turned my back on the bus - we were on our way back to the hotel.  I listened to her sing from more than 270 miles away. As the beauty of Lancaster county scrolled past the windows of the bus, I listened to the crystal clear voice of my child sing a song of praise and entreaty to the saints and marveled at how far she's come and what she did when I was sure she'd do none of it. She wasn't upset that I missed it. But listening to her, I felt like the worst mom in the world.

Being a parent is hard, hard, hard.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Does it help at all to think about how you are empowering your kids to do things for themselves and to respect your life outside of them? Eh, probably not. But it's what I tell myself.

I visited your rockin' slide show and left a comment to be moderated.

[Nelson's Mama]

Wise, wise words from Elizabeth.

[liz]

What Elizabeth said. Also, my son tends to do better when I'm NOT there watching him. When I'm there, he gets distracted in looking for me, making sure I'm looking at him, etc. Just a thought.

[Brandy]

She knew that no matter where you were you lover her. That was enough.

[Brandy]

Ack. Meant "loved" her.

[KG]

Nice try. Again. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times ....
I am the worst mom in the world!!!
ME! ME! ME! got it?

:D

I love these little victories. Riley must be so proud of herself. Or, then again, she knew all along she could do it- you know why? Because she KNEW you were behind her the whole time... even if she couldn't see you in front of her. So yeah- worst mom ever? Sorry, you'll have to go back to the end of the line & try again another day.

Now, if you'd missed the Saint's Parade for, say... a mani-pedi... I'd scoot you riiiiiight up to the front of the WORST MOTHER EVER line- maybe even crown you queen of the worst lol

Halloween candy slide show? You're like the grinch of Halloween!!! lol No really, thanks for the reminder!

[kellyann smith]

I am so happy. But gee im kinda sad that you were in philly...and I live in philly...and I didnt get to see ya :( Does that sound stalkerish...its not I swear. LOL

[mayberry]

Sometimes I think it would be easier if the kids WERE upset, you know?! Of course, I'm biased because you're so nice to me.

[Rox]

Often, I think my kids do better when I'm not around to watch.

And that makes me think that I've done my job exactly right... just like you do.

Long-distance hug to you!

[Maureen]

It is sooooo hard to be a parent - especially to be a mom! You did the right thing but because you are a mom you will question it forever which just proves you are a good mom!

Great slide show!

[Erika]

Caring is what makes you a good mom. Not being there for every single thing is unavoidable, and we are always going to face judgement from other parents no matter how hard we work. One blogger I read that has a lot of kids said that someone at her school made a comment about her having so many kids she could not take care of them, and she is a fantastic mom. In some ways, we never really grow out of that middle-school mentality where we pick on others' shortcomings in order to deflect attention from our own. But nothing anyone can say will do a thing to assuage mommy guilt - that is some powerful stuff right there! But rest assured I am very impressed with you. I only have 3 kids and I can't keep up with everything they have to do. You do a great job!

[Jenn W]

I go to every baseball game my kids have. BUT when my daughter is up to bat, I have to look away. She gets nervous if I watch, plays better when I don't look. Sometimes, kids need to not feel like they need to please you and do better when you aren't there. I don't pressure her at all but it is what it is.

[elz]

We can not physically be there for every moment. Remember, it's not just the "big" moments that make a kid grow into a wonderful adult, it's the little ones too. If it makes you feel better, I was out of state at a football game when my youngest slammed her head into the kitchen cabinets and got 4 staples IN HER HEAD when she was 3 years old! Oh, the guilt.

[LizP]

She won't remember that you weren't there. She'll remember that she did her speech and that you are proud of her. Let the guilt go! :-)

My mom never went to anything when I was in school. And I don't feel obligated to go to every one of my kids' events (step and bio kids).

As parents we are allowed to have jobs and lives. It is ok! :-)

I tried leaving a comment at DIR but it won't let me log in :-(

[coach outlet]

I agree with your idea.You look like very talented.It is very happy to meet you. Thank you!

[UKCraftySal]

So many wise words above, I can't really do more than say I agree with all of them. Of course you feel guilty. And of course you don't need to: Riley had lots of support, and she was happy to share what had happened at the parade with you. But you're right: being a parent IS hard. xx

[kyooty]

YAY!! she did it. I'm proud of you both. :)

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