Stress is The Mirror of Calm

I had so, so much to do on Tuesday. The morning began in a negative place and continued downhill until I was convinced it could go no further, and still, the morning eroded into the bedrock of horridness. 

I had slept poorly. I woke early - if you could say that I woke, because you'd have to be asleep to be woken, and there was really none of that happening. My husband had oh so graciously volunteered me to make 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies for the Santa Something or Another (I listen so well) and I had to bake them before I woke the kids. No one wanted to wake up, everyone was irritable, I fought with my husband (who, yes, I know, is very stressed, but WELCOME to my world) and Riley wanted Dora Chicken Noodle Soup for breakfast.

FINE by me.

I took everyone to school and came home to make my list for the next 48 hours. It was mind numbingly long and oppressively full.

Don't get me wrong - and if you are coming to my house Thursday, please don't get me wrong - but it's a lot of work to host a gathering. I like to do it, I love to have people over - but it's still a lot of work. And I'm a weirdo who decides, two days before, that the trim in the cooking half of the kitchen must be painted and don't forget to clean the tub (because who among us hasn't peeked behind the shower curtain?) and the entryway needs to be steamed and blah, blah, blah. I obsess about the dumbest stuff every single time. No one cares, but we all do it. (Admit it - you are worried about something similar RIGHT THIS SECOND in your house, aren't you?) I wanted my house to look a "certain" way and I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I balanced the checkbook and pouted over my checking account balance. To say that I'm walking a razor thin line might be a fair description, and I had just a certain amount of money, so I wanted to make sure that I bought only the things I needed. I plotted and planned, selecting and then discarding recipes as too many ingredients or too much work. Finally, I had decided a menu that I was comfortable with and made the list. Driving to the store, I felt myself sink into a dark spot.

I'm so tired of always thinking about money, worrying about money, shopping with a calculator and two lists - one for necessities and one for just in case I have extra. It's an important lesson that I have had to learn, to be able to determine what I want versus what we need.

I think I've learned that lesson - can it cease and desist now? Please? I promise to be more aware if I don't need to be.

I bought the things we needed, shopping while listening to the playlist on my phone that I've titled Quiet Reflections. I was upset with myself and thought maybe some quiet music would help soothe my ruffled areas, appease the beast of ungratefulness and hostility that I felt taking root in my soul. Really, I said to myself, It's Thanksgiving. No one CARES if you get the trim painted - don't forget to buy a paintbrush! - and so what if you serve sweet potatoes? Do you actually think anyone will care if you don't have Festive Fall Napkins or new plates - but you really should get a few wineglasses, because you broke two and now you only have a "Birthday Princess" wine glass and one lone champagne flute.

But like a tick, the ugliness had taken root and burrowed its way deep within and I was struggling with releasing it. I did the old "No, thanks, I've decided to put these things back" at the register and after packing my fabric bags any which way - cold stuff packed in with boxes, all slapped haphazardly into one bag or another, because I was just too tired/pissed off/frustrated to care - I started out to the car.

At first I didn't see her, didn't know what was going on.

There, between two cars in the handicapped section, sat a very heavy elderly woman on the ground. It was obvious she'd fallen, probably somewhat violently, for her handbag was strewn around and her shoes were off. She was attempting to insert her foot into a shoe and was having a great deal of difficulty - her middle toe was hammered and it kept getting snagged. I stopped walking and called, "Do you need help?"

She nodded and I ran over, pulling the earbuds out of my ears and tossing the phone into one of the grocery bags. I knelt down and helped her put the shoes on her feet. Her face was beet red and she stammered, I fell, I fell. My knees are bad and I fell. She seemed so embarrassed, more than a simple fall would merit, and at first I didn't understand. There was another woman with her, a middle aged lady who I thought was with the older woman. She asked me if I was strong enough to help the older woman, and nodding yes, I grabbed under the arms. It was only when I smelled the sharp, acrid tang of urine that I realized what must have happened when she fell, and realized the true level of her mortification. Poor woman.

We got her up, she thanked both of us and she walked off slowly towards the store. The other woman and I split, going in different directions to our vehicles. It was then that I realized something.

None of it matters.

Who cares if my trim gets painted? Who cares if we have canned green beans instead of fresh broccoli? Who cares if I don't get the massive laundry pile folded, but instead I toss it in my bedroom and close the door? Does it matter if I have to make different dishes than I want to serve, or that everyone will be drinking from mismatched plastic cups instead of the 16 matching clear glasses I'd wanted to buy? That we used paper towels instead of Festive Fall Cloth Napkins - paper towels probably ripped off as the roll passes around my tv room, as we all watch a football game, spilling green beans and stuffing on my (very probably vaccumed but not shampooed) carpets. That we have no centerpiece, no fancy tablecloth and no candelabras, but we have awesome, yummy, delicious and nutritious foods and fabulous family.

The Stress of right now has a mirror. The Mirror of the Stress is the Joy of Thursday. The fun of having the family over, the excitement when I see my nieces' son playing with my kids, the moody teens who warm up more and more as the meal wears on. Seeing everyone happily stuffed, stomachs groaning and buttons bursting. Knowing that we are truly blessed, maybe not monetarily, but spiritually, physically and with great family and friends.

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I did go home and paint my trim, though.

Comments

[Jennifer B]

thank you for sharing this. I needed it today.

[Patti]

so glad i am not the only one!! have a great thanksgiving.

[Elizabeth]

Thank you. I definitely need this perspective. My mom was a perfectionist, always keeping up with the Joneses person about the house. I tend to be that way when company is coming over, even if just family.

We're walking the money line too. The guest bathroom is 3 different shades of paint since I finally decided what to paint it but not primed or painted. My carpet needs cleaning but will get vacuumed. I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off yelling at Hubby and Charlie, all totally unnecessarily. And I'm working all week except Thursday.

None of which matters in the long run.

[Headless Mom]

I'm painting too. Not because I need to, but because I might as well before the floors go in. *sigh* There is no cleanliness around here. I'm saving my energy for the mounds of dust that I'll have to get out of here once the floors are in.

[Megan]

Thank you for this. I'm stressed too over holiday and travel prep, and other people's stress is rubbing off on me. And we stop and reflect as you did and then we still paint the damn trim and stress some more. I wish we could truly look at these things differently all the time.

[becky dunnell]

thank you for being you -- helping that woman, and just helping without saying anything about it to her (or the other woman), is what this world needs more of...

[KatieButler]

Not hosting Thanksgiving, but I can oh so relate to this. Thank you. And what an act of kindness you did for that woman.

[Brandy]

We're freaking out over Christmas (Not much money at all, the hubs and I are forgoing gifts for each other.) and not wanting to disappoint our kids, so this really hit home today. Thank you.

[Vicky C]

I had already decided that I am going to enjoy the holidays this year and not stress over everything. I am going to spend more time with my child, and much less time making my usual lists and obsessing about everything. Thanks for this reminder that we need to relax! And it was beautifully said.

[KG]

Did we not discuss your need to have a virtual tissue box??????
<----- right over here would be handy!

Ohhhhh so timely. If you asked again today about our favorite posts of yours? This would be right up there. SO well written.

Thanks for helping us refocus.

ps
That trim? looks FANTASTIC! ;)

[Karen P]

Beautifully written Carmen.

[Nicole]

You really have to warn a pregnant chick before you post things like this.

[A Simple Twist of Faith]

Well said, Carmen. Why do we do this to ourselves?

[Starr]

I wish I'd read this before I shampooed the carpets, washed the windows (even the ones no one will see on Thursday! Why did I do that??), and scrubbed the kitchen floor on my knees. I think the only thing I didn't do was paint trim. Not that it doesn't need it...

Anyway, thanks for the perspective. And thanks for helping that poor woman. It could have been my mother. I hope if something like that ever does happen to her, someone like you is there to help.

[addy]

thanks for being you - enjoy your holidays with family and friends - and pie is a main course if you want it to be for just one day!

[girlsmama]

Thanks Carmen. I shall now stop my search for the perfect dessert plates that has been taking up my time. I shall however still clean out the bathroom drawers and be aware of those around me and any needs I may be able to meet.

[Beth]

What a wonderful, much needed post. I too an struggling this holiday. Thank you and have a blessed, happy Thanksgiving!

[sandy]

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Sometimes we get the reminder we need just when we need it!! ENJOY . :)

[karen]

Well said!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

[Christal]

I loved the post. Way to bring it back down to the basics. BTW, I'm not cleaning or doing anything extra. Houseguests couldn't make it. Family can deal. The food is going to be great and I get a day off from work. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Enjoy a nice glass of wine or whatever you prefer to drink. We're hitting the eggnog pretty hard at our house (with extra whipped cream & nutmeg).

[kyooty]

Enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend with your family.

[Jodie in MN]

Happy Thanksgiving Carmen! I hope you enjoy it to the fullest :)

[Kait]

I last minute volunteered to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family because no one else would.

My dining room has been a state of chaos for the past three months. Adoption paperwork (it's our makeshift office), all the cast offs from the home improvement happening in other areas (cookbooks, paint brushes, paint cans, etc) and, oh yeah, we ripped out the chair rail and floor boards to pull up the wallpaper before discovering that the wallpaper was actually THREE LAYERS of wallpaper and then the adoption stuff started and the thought of pulling down three layers of wallpaper made me want to die and oh, that's right, the wall has seventeen different paint samples on it from when we were trying to come up with colors and we're going to have seventeen people at our house in a few days and I still need to start preparing food and...

I surrender.

The dining room is cleaned out so as not to be a hazard for my crawling infant nephew but the wallpaper is still half removed, there are no floor boards or chair rail, and the walls have all kinds of colors from when we were trying to pick a paint.

It's not done because it doesn't matter. I've spent my time with my kids and getting the paperwork done to get more kids and focusing on my husband and school. It will, Lord willing, be done in the weeks off between the semester ending and Christmas. And if not then, we'll get it done when my husband takes the week off between Christmas and New Years. And if not then, eventually.

Oh Thanksgiving day I'll be surrounded by family, including my amazing daughters, and my heart will be split between the joy of family and the sorrow of wishing my sons were here. I can almost guarantee I won't be thinking about the unfinished dining room.

Happy Thanksgiving Carmen.

[Katherine]

Wow, Carmen, I'm in tears over this one. Beautiful.