The Mockingbird Has Spoken

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Rob Thomas, "Mockingbird".

This is my new music obsession. I've listened to it a ton of times today and it's on frequent rotation. It's speaking to me right now in ways too difficult to imagine.

No, I am not getting a divorce. The you and me I'm referencing is me and my brain. Let me 'splain.

I have a terrible habit. I have tried and tried to break this habit, and I can't seem to stop it. It's my default mode, my "go to", my every day remark. It's my standard brain response, my running commentary that goes on and on and on. It's been remarked on before, by a very good friend who has become a more distant friend - in part because of this habit of mine. She told me that she didn't feel comfortable talking to me because of this bad habit. Our conversations have dwindled, and yet I never comprehended why. People change, friendships move on - and it didn't crystalize for me until today that my very bad habit was quite possibly the reason behind this.

My very bad habit isn't smoking, or drinking - although I talk a wild talk about drinking, I really don't drink all that much - or eating to excess. Quite simply, I self disparage. I am my own worst enemy. I have a constant refrain of negative self talk running in my head. You are stupid. No one cares what you think. No one wants to hear what you have to say. Anyway, you aren't smart. You never finished your college degree - clearly, you must be dumb. I do it without thinking, all of the time, and in just about every area of my life.

What makes you think that you can earn a black belt? Everyone at the studio probably laughs at you when you are gone. You are the laughing stock of everyone.There's a reason you got 382 rejection letters for your query letter and an even better reason why the agent ultimately turned down your book.

If someone compliments me, I immediately wonder what they want, why would they say nice things. I look behind me when someone says something nice, and look for an ulterior motive each and every time. It's absolutely ingrained and so deeply a part of me that I don't even realize I'm doing it 99.98% of the time. I think it started out as modesty, for no one likes a cocky individual.

It is a default.

But it took a Twitter exchange that I had with a man I just met to really make me realize what I had going on.

When I wrote my post detailing the Philly trip that I took, I emailed the link to the PR connection that booked everything. He emailed me back and passed on a link written by another blogger. I read it, thought to myself, Whoa. She's really smart, and I'm really stupid. I wrote about the trip, and she wrote about the chemical reasons and the scientific terms and... and promptly emailed this to him. His response came back to me:

 

Um, whoa. And full stop.

I have to stop it. HAVE to.

i need to stop the internal dialogue. Cut the mortar that bricks in my brain with negativity, clear the cobwebs that say NO and YOU CAN'T and WHO WOULD WANT YOU. Stop cutting myself down at every chance, stop telling other people that *I* think I'm stupid, for if I say it, even in a joking manner, why should I expect them to take me seriously? I repeat; If I want to be taken seriously, I MUST take myself in hand. Stop internally - and externally - saying that I don't matter, that I'm not important, that I am stupid.

I need to divorce my brain. And I have *no* idea how to do so.

Comments

[Theresa De Lay]

Thank you Carmen, for sharing such an amazing post! You're definitely not alone in this type of thinking.

For the record, Stephen King wall-papered the room of his office with rejection letters. He had THAT MANY. He said it kept him humble and motivated. At least, that's what my grandpa told me but maybe he was just trying to make me feel better ;)

Regardless, you're fabulous and I learn a lot from reading what you write. When you figure out how to divorce that evil little voice in your mind, let me know! I'd like to hear the secret ;)

[Michele]

I agree, you are fabulous. I have the same problem that you do with the demeaning myself. Have you ever been to operationbeautiful.com? It's an amazing site.

[Kaitlyn]

I'd say turn to God. It might seem like a weak response, but it's where our true value lies. I posted on my Facebook the other day... "Ladies you are a daughter of the KING, and that makes you a princess! You are made in the image of God, and that makes you perfect just the way He made you. Better still, God is perfect so He definitely "didn't make no mistakes on" YOU. She sings "What God gave me is just fine." AMEN!" You're perfect just the way you are dear, kind of amazing actually :)

[Bridget]

Oh my, how I do this, too! It's really a huge problem for me.

Thanks for sharing!

[Headless Mom]

I like that you realized it for yourself. ;-)

[MamaCas]

I have the same problem. While I certainly haven't conquered it, I have found a way to decrease it's frequency a teeny bit. I try to remember who is watching and listening. If, in front of my 4 young kids, I say something like, "UGH...I'm so STUPID for forgetting to take the popcorn out before it burned. I'm such an idiot!", how long do you think it will be before they believe it? "Ugh. Mom burned the toast this morning. She's so stupid." Also, I DO NOT want them to develop the habit. Nothing makes me crazier than when my 10 year old son talks badly about himself.

The other side of this coin is that my mother does it ALL. THE. TIME. But for her, I think it's an attention seeking thing. (No, I'm not saying that's why you do it...I'm just giving an example.) I think she figures that she'll badmouth herself and the people around her will feel compelled to respond with something complimentary to counteract her negativity. Does that make sense? Anyway, I've managed to beat her at her own game....when she starts in with her nonsense, I give a heavy sigh and walk away.

Anyway, I've gotten MUCH better at keeping my mouth closed! Now if I could just figure out how to make the internal dialogue go away!

[Carol]

Look into cognitive behavior therapy. The whole focus is learning to hear those 'automatic' thoughts and see how they don't match up with the facts or reality. Can be done with a trained therapist but you can also get the job done with one of the many workbooks available that use the techniques. Having the courage to tackle this issue will not only benefit you but your kids as well. I wish you lots of luck :)

[elizabethk]

Carmen, I have been online for YEARS with women (moms) that go on and on about all the chemical components, etc. -- of ALL things, including of course- vaxxes. I loved your post on it -- truthfully, I rolled my eyes a bit before reading -- as I THOUGHT I knew how a *vax* talk would be. Well, as usual you surprised and taught me a lot! I appreciate your real perspective. You are da bomb -- but I KNOW all too well about beating self up. I too - have to agree that we must turn to God to really grasp our worth and His breadth, depth and width of love -- JUST the way we are.

(I delayed shots for my first -- but none of the others -- we did not do the h1n1, but did the flu shot this year. I make sure too the vax contains no aborted fetus cell lines -- and that there is no thimerosal...)

What a nice guy that PR connection is -- hugs to him!!

sending ya a *sock in the arm* -- but not the one that had the flu shot ;-)

[Jenn E]

I try to keep it to a minimum because I don't want to pass my bullshit on to my girls. If someone EVER spoke to my girls the way I "talk"to myself I'd punch their lights out!

So that being said, you're fabulous! You help alot of people!

xo

[Karen P]

Carmen,
I would just like to say I really enjoy reading your writing and hearing what you have to say. I am amazed at all that you do in regards to your family and getting everyone to everywhere they have to go. I also have issues with looking at things from a negative position. I think it is just my nature. I try to laugh it off so to speak. My husband is always telling me to look at things in a positive way. After 37 years sometimes I just want to punch him when he says that, but I think we balance each other out. I think you can change the way you look at yourself. Not sure how to go about doing that. I also did some therapy called Rational Emotive Therapy about 17 years ago. Trying to look at things from a more rational point of view. My therapist called my excessive worrying voodoo magic and would always ask me how my voodoo magic was working for me. Was it helping the situation any? And my response was no it never helped the situation. Please be kind to yourself I think you are amazing.

[Nicki]

I do it as well, always have. It is hard to rewire the thinking, but I don't want my sons having the same issue so I have to stop it now.

I think you are fabulous as well and am thankful that I stumbled upon your site when I did because I have definitely benefited from "knowing" you. :)

[addy]

You make a concerted effort everytime you become aware of the negative self-talk. You stop it!! You give yourself a compliment of some sort, smile and move-on. Over and Over and Over and over and over and over and over again. You will conquer it with practice!

[Mariah]

As the wife of a pastor, I have contact with a lot of women on a regular basis. I think this is something very common to all of us, though some struggle with it more than others. I am one of those who have struggled plenty! I have to second Kaitlyn's comment. You need to know Jesus and how He feels about you. he loves you enough to have actually died for your sake! When we can remember that, nothing else matters! I actually did a talk on this very issue for women some years ago...if you are interested I'd be happy to share it with you...but it's too long for a comment!

[Shelly]

I do the same. I think it is because I grew up being told I was stupid or not pretty. Or too fat, when actually was I was too thin. My self esteem was pretty low and still is. I had to force myself to stop thinking or saying those things of myself. It was having children because I did not want them to go through what I did. I have missed out on opportunities that could have taken me farther than I am right now.
It is hard to stop...it is like an addiction.

[sandy]

I think it's a self-defense mechanism, we all have it for the most part. When we say we are dumb first, no on else can point that out to us and make us feel bad. Most of us have been told something from the time we were young and impressionable and it just sticks. My dad used to tell me all the time, all that meat and no potatoes, meaning I was fat. He was teasing me, but there was an underlayment of truth and I have been self conscience all my life. To me, I can't believe you are......but then......aren't we all?

[kyooty]

Thinks I know you are good at...
Baking,
Making kids
raising kids
Patience
Writing
thinking
emailing
taking time for yourself
Taking time for your kids
organizing your life
organizing your kids around your life and with your life
Communicating with your hubbie
Telling us everything :) Sharing.

You rOCK! now repeat this to yourself.. think of the kid in the youtube video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

[Angie]

Good grief, I relate to this more than I care to admit. I figure if I admit to everyone up front that I know I'm not perfect then they will lower their expectations of me and not be disappointed when I don't deliver. In turn then I will have less to be disappointed and be hard on myself about. It's an awful cycle, isn't it?

[Beth]

Oh Carmen, how did you get inside my head too! It's not just your problem, but most women struggle with it - maybe because society expects just way.too.much out of moms. When I turned 40, (umm, 6 years ago next month!) I decided to become EMPOWERED! I was 40 dammit, not some stupid (ha) youngster! I've seen enough, read enough, experienced enough to actually know some sh*t! I still struggle with that voice, but not nearly as much. By being positive with myself, (and praying - that's my secret ammo) I'm actually enjoying this time of my life! Hugs!

[Erika]

I totally feel you on this post. I do the SAME thing all the time. I think it comes partly from society always telling us we need to be thinner, prettier, greener, healthier, etc. etc. ad nauseum. We are never good enough because we need to buy X to complete us!! I'm with all the others that say when you figure it out, clue me in! For the record, I *really* enjoy your writing and look up to you a lot because of all the weight you have managed to lose when other people say "I'm too busy!" Who could be busier than you and yet you kicked that weight problem's butt into neverland! You go girl! I don't know if you ever read the book to Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe, but if not you should, and then yell "TOWANDA!!" (also there is a kickin' collection of Southern recipes in the back of the book) Love ya!

[Brandy]

I do this. I tell myself all the time I am not good enough, smart enough, quick enough, tough enough.... It keeps me from so many things. Add in a supremely shy personality when around those I don't know or in situations I am not comfortable with and it makes being me depressing. I've been thinking about this lately because I want to do more with my amateur photography and the person holding me back.... is me.
But you? You work hard at so many things. You take fantastic care of your children, you work hard at your MA, you have persevered with your writing. You are caring and kind and have a fun sense of humor. You (and I) we can work on this. This is something that can be stopped. I have faith in you!

[Barbara]

I wouldn't read your blog if it wasn't entertaining and well written. You have to stop thinking like this or your kids may pick it up. Wouldn't it break your heart if they doubted themselves like you do?
BTW, this is my first comment even though I read all the time.

[KG]

I don't think you need to divorce your brain. I think you need to love Carmen as much as the rest of us do. Would you continue reading a blog that was not engaging, well written, insightful, full of humor, as real as it gets? Nope & neither would we.

This post had me in tears because some of your points really hit home with me. I have some of those same feelings & thoughts. I think we all do to some extent. Start changing the dialogue.

I am IN AWE of what you do going for your black belt. That takes GUTS GIRLFRIEND!

You have been through so much. You DO so much. You are amazing. Quit lying to yourself. You're honest with others aren't you? It's time to be honest with yourself. Start NOW so your girls won't earn the same song you have been singing to yourself. Time for a new tune. My personal favorite is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield-

"Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten!"

Thanks Carmen, your post has motivated me to make a better effort to change that voice too!

ps
Costco PopChips:
BBQ=yes -- SC&O = no :(

[Katherine]

I SO GET THIS POST Carmen. I do the same. And it is bad for me, bad for you, bad for ALL women. AND men. We are gorgeous, wonderful, smart and amazing creatures! We have to remind eachother of that! OK so here goes:

Carmen, you are gorgeous, wonderful, smart and are an amazing creature. SO THERE!

[tag replicas]

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, and for taking the trouble to post it.replica watches|

[Jennifer]

Try reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living". I read it for book group and IT CHANGED MY LIFE. Seriously.