I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Don't act so stunned. I do think. Once in a while - I try not to make TOO big of a habit of it.
What I've been pondering, a little bit here but mostly just in my head - is myself. Lots of little stuff, that crystallized for me this week. Especially when I read this phenomenal post by Michele.
This year is somehow different. I’m ready to change my life. But I didn’t come to some sort of decision..... After these small incremental changes, I realized something. I hate to quote Justin Timberlake, but I’m totally bringing the sexy back. And? It has nothing to do with my husband. Now, there are fringe benefits that go with it, surely, but I realized that what’s really happening, is I’m reclaiming me. I’m reclaiming my womanhood. I’m doing things slowly but surely that make me feel sexy, confident, and attractive inside and out. I’m learning about myself – what makes me tick, and how to make these changes work with me instead of against me. Somewhere along the line, “it just doesn’t matter,” stopped creeping in my head. Life is just so short. This is still the case. Whereas before, that made me feel defeated, and as if what I was doing didn’t matter, who cares? Why take the time or the energy? Now, it’s as if that very fact is prodding me on.
It was kind of a big chunk of cut and paste. I do apologize. Her post was so, so much more than this snippet - I think everyone should go and read it. It's powerful. Dare it not to resonate with you.
I was, at the same time, thinking about Blissdom next week. I'm speaking, which means my fees and room are paid -and the ticket includes food. I bought my flight on Southwest -$39 each way. I'm very very excited to go, especially since I get to see great friends, make new ones - AND I've signed up to have my pictures taken by the incomparable Mishi.
So much to look forward to.
Last year, when I returned home from Blissdom, I got a book in the mail. It was a remembrance of the week, pictures of all of the events and people and what it showed was a bunch of women really having a great time.
And there was not.one.single.picture of me in it.
I had a great time, but you'd never know it. I shied away from the camera. Sat out on the dancing. Was too concerned that I'd make a fool of myself or cause conversation amongst others. "Did you see HER? How silly she looked! Who ever told her that SHE could dance?" It's the FAT girl voice that runs through my head - the "don't look at me, nothing to see, I'm nobody." I like to think I'm past that - but I'm not as past it as I want to be.
I don't have any pictures of me at Blogher either. I was too afraid I'd look stupid.
One of my kids has absolutely zero fear. She jumps in there and does whatever, whenever. While I was discussing this post and my thoughts with my husband today, he said You need to be more like her. You don't have a terrible voice, It's not as bad as you think, and anyway, who cares? Just go and have fun. Dance like you do when you go out with your girlfriends here (note: with extreme and utter abandon, almost like I've been electrocuted) and I'll bet that everyone will just say Look at Carmen having fun. Dance like you do when you play Wii Just Dance or Michael Jackson. Just do it.
Over the past year, I've been doing things to break out of my comfort zone. I went to Victoria's Secret and bought new panties. No more ugly practical underwear. I went to Sephora this week and had the nicest time learning to apply eye shadow - which I NEVER ever wear. Shaving every day, not just when I think it might be "practical". Putting on perfume and getting dressed up once in a while - just because. Pushed myself physically to the limits with training and running and exercise. Trying my best to be the best that I can be.
Witness yesterday's shopping endeavors - which was completely girly - and then I went to boxing class...
And I am GOING to dance and I am going to Karaoke - but only with a group! - and I'm not going to turn away when someone pulls the camera out. I'm going to smile and have fun.
I want to be the girl who is having fun, both internally and externally.