Making a Change

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Don't act so stunned. I do think. Once in a while - I try not to make TOO big of a habit of it.

What I've been pondering, a little bit here but mostly just in my head - is myself. Lots of little stuff, that crystallized for me this week. Especially when I read this phenomenal post by Michele.

This year is somehow different.  I’m ready to change my life.  But I didn’t come to some sort of decision..... After these small incremental changes, I realized something.  I hate to quote Justin Timberlake, but I’m totally bringing the sexy back.  And?  It has nothing to do with my husband.  Now, there are fringe benefits that go with it, surely, but I realized that what’s really happening, is I’m reclaiming me.  I’m reclaiming my womanhood.  I’m doing things slowly but surely that make me feel sexy, confident, and attractive inside and out.  I’m learning about myself – what makes me tick, and how to make these changes work with me instead of against me.  Somewhere along the line, “it just doesn’t matter,” stopped creeping in my head.  Life is just so short.  This is still the case.  Whereas before, that made me feel defeated, and as if what I was doing didn’t matter, who cares?  Why take the time or the energy?  Now, it’s as if that very fact is prodding me on.

It was kind of a big chunk of cut and paste. I do apologize. Her post was so, so much more than this snippet - I think everyone should go and read it. It's powerful. Dare it not to resonate with you.

I was, at the same time, thinking about Blissdom next week. I'm speaking, which means my fees and room are paid -and the ticket includes food. I bought my flight on Southwest -$39 each way. I'm very very excited to go, especially since I get to see great friends, make new ones - AND I've signed up to have my pictures taken by the incomparable Mishi.

So much to look forward to.

Last year, when I returned home from Blissdom, I got a book in the mail. It was a remembrance of the week, pictures of all of the events and people and what it showed was a bunch of women really having a great time.

And there was not.one.single.picture of me in it.

I had a great time, but you'd never know it. I shied away from the camera. Sat out on the dancing. Was too concerned that I'd make a fool of myself or cause conversation amongst others. "Did you see HER? How silly she looked! Who ever told her that SHE could dance?" It's the FAT girl voice that runs through my head - the "don't look at me, nothing to see, I'm nobody." I like to think I'm past that - but I'm not as past it as I want to be.

I don't have any pictures of me at Blogher either. I was too afraid I'd look stupid.

One of my kids has absolutely zero fear. She jumps in there and does whatever, whenever. While I was discussing this post and my thoughts with my husband today, he said You need to be more like her. You don't have a terrible voice, It's not as bad as you think, and anyway, who cares? Just go and have fun. Dance like you do when you go out with your girlfriends here (note: with extreme and utter abandon, almost like I've been electrocuted) and I'll bet that everyone will just say Look at Carmen having fun. Dance like you do when you play Wii Just Dance or Michael Jackson. Just do it.

Over the past year, I've been doing things to break out of my comfort zone. I went to Victoria's Secret and bought new panties. No more ugly practical underwear. I went to Sephora this week and had the nicest time learning to apply eye shadow - which I NEVER ever wear. Shaving every day, not just when I think it might be "practical". Putting on perfume and getting dressed up once in a while - just because. Pushed myself physically to the limits with training and running and exercise. Trying my best to be the best that I can be.

Witness yesterday's shopping endeavors - which was completely girly - and then I went to boxing class...

And I am GOING to dance and I am going to Karaoke - but only with a group! - and I'm not going to turn away when someone pulls the camera out. I'm going to smile and have fun.

I want to be the girl who is having fun, both internally and externally.

 

Comments

[FireMom]

Oh honey, this post makes me so happy for you. I was sad that we didn't get any pics of us at BlogHer. Work on that. ;)

[Jenn]

Go get'em Tiger. I hope you have a wonderful time and lots and lots and lots of pictures as proof of your fabulous time.

[MJ]

This post speaks to me. While Im not doing the exact same things, I am rediscovering me. I paint my nails, I work out when I want to and gasp ... I say no somtimes. Simply wearing a necklace and bracelet ... those are the little things ... but just as important.

[Tammy]

You GO girl!!! I keep hearing a song my mom sent to Heather and it speaks volumes to me: "I hope you dance." Because I never have. Just like you I sit out, afraid to look like a fool. No more. I think we've learned a lot from our fearless daughters.

[kyooty]

I started selling Avon in September and it's total brought my girl back. :) I find I can totally get lost in the "it doesn't matter" because I live in a house full of boys. boys don't see these things (well sons don't) but now I see what I like.

[Headless Mom]

*big smile*

[kalisa]

SING WITH ME!!!

[Marie]

GO CARMEN !!

[Shannon]

Good for you Carmen! I hope you have an awesome time. :-)

[Iowamom]

Good for you! Have a wonderful time and dance your heart out!

[Beth]

After my 6th kid, I vowed to bring "the sexy back" too, (but with my tubes tied, so their wouldn't be a 7th!)
I always shave, color my hair, wear matching panties/bras, paint my toes and nails (matching or at least coordinated), wear perfume (the good stuff) and keep my hair, makeup and clothes "current". It totally changed my attitude and now I do dance and sing and have so much fun, cause I'm worth it! Good for you Carmen!!!!

[Brandy]

Yay for Carmen! Go you!

[Deborah]

Good for you! Have fun dancing and singing on your way to fully reclaiming yourself. Loved Michele's article - thanks for sharing.

[jan]

Excellent post Carmen! Have fun, what the hell, do NOT worry what others think ... most would wish they could be carefree like that! After I respond I'm going to read the link that you provided. I just wanted to tell you that I too decided to make some changes, to take better care of myself ... Shoot, I'm 46 freakin years and I felt I was starting to definately get that old hag look :) So got me some good eye stuff (gelly like) for the sleepy time, some ROC for day time and another tube for night time, and make an effort every stinkin moment to not leave the bathroom until I put on that lotion AND a coat of mascara. My girlfriend told me last week that I looked "dewy" ... I'm still smiling about that as I believe thats a good thing (oh, and getting the sexy back, bonus for all around as it certainly changes your attitude!) ...

[Michele]

I'm exactly the same way at the conferences. I'm fat. I hate my teeth. I can't afford new clothes, so I feel all frumpy. As you saw from my post, I'm trying to change that. In little ways. I'm glad it resonated with you. I also am not totally going to buy new panties to wear while I'm tapping. (My tap shoes arrive tomorrow, and my class starts in a week!)

[Liz @thisfullhouse]

Just wish I could go and do it all with you, just because, too!

Okay, not the singing part. Trust me!

[Issa]

Carmen? I have a photo of you and me. Taken at BlogHer. The night of the Sparkle party. It's a beautiful photo of you.

I fake it often. The having fun. When I look back though? I never regret it. In the end I realize I was having fun. I hope you have a blast at Blissdom.

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

Dance, sing, have a blast at Blissdom.
Knock'em dead.I wish I could go too!

[amy]

I am so darned worried about living my life worrying about what everyone else thinks about me. Seriously. That they think i look fat or wear ill fitting clothing or move awkwardly. I don't know where it came from. Or the voices in my head for being real and honest and me. The indelible sense of failure so why bother trying AGAIN. Wondering why I can't be as comfortable in my own skin as other people appear to be. I'll follow you as you glide through it. Keep me posted and who knows maybe I'll jump off the cliff of self consciousness with you.

[beth]

Over the last few months I've stocked up on pretty AND comfortable undies and just last week I tossed out all the ugly "practicaL" one sI was holding on to for no good reason. It was a very good choice!

[mbillock]

I LOVE this post. I was talking to one of my girlfriends last week about this exact thing. I don't consider myself high maintenance, but I do feel as if I need to spend more time doing things that make ME feel sexy. If Nick finds them sexy too, then that is a bonus. It is very easy to let the "who cares anyway" mentality creep in to our busy schedules. But, it is so important to feel good about ourselves. It makes us better people. I went to Victoria's Secret yesterday and bought some new panties! This girl is bringing sexy back too!

[Shellie McHenry]

I, of course, have your blog bookmarked (makes lurking much easier). However, I am going to specifically bookmark this post. It is inspirational.I hope to be here one day.

[zena]

we all want good changes, believe me