Quicksilver. Fleeting. Ephemeral. Transient. Momentary.
It's already February, and I am just now getting to pick my focus for 2011.
I've never been what you could call a quick study, I guess.
My focus - getting right with myself.
I had a blinding moment in my life when I jokingly told a friend that I really had no memory of my 20's and most of my 30's. She laughed, and I laughed, but inside, I clenched. It was and is true. I remember the birth of each of my children, naturally, but I remember very little else. I think this is because - and I've said this before - I tried so hard to be so many things for so many people and make everyone happy all the time that I forgot who I am.
Sounds like a Lifetime movie.
I saw myself and I did not like myself and I changed. I changed my outside dramatically but my inside needed work. I struggled along until the Great "Tear of the Calf Muscle" of 2009, the "I'm not hurt because everyone NEEDS me SO MUCH I have no time to go to the doctor and I'll walk on this leg for 10 days", which lead to "crying at work one day in front of everyone, causing my boss to send me to the principal's office" and, ultimately, sent me to a counselor for emergency care.
I was a complete and total interior mess, in spite of being an amazingly pulled together outside. I've been a work in progress and I've fixed various aspects - the next part of the puzzle is balance.
Having an online presence means that a lot of people know an awful lot about me. I'm imminently google-able, at any given moment on just about any subject. I love my blog, I really do. I love every person that reads here, that takes the time to get to know me and is my friend. I have made some amazing connections here that I hope will last until I'm an old woman. I need to be careful, though, to keep my online life in check. So easily it can consume my real life - when I'm laying in bed reading books with my girls, I don't need to contemplate how to spin it into a post - I need to live it.
I spent a lot of time today deleting emails of things that I really should do, people I really should contact and opportunities that I really shouldn't let pass me by.
It's not the season for those things.
I culled from Facebook and Twitter, cut blogs that depressed or bothered me from my long list of "should read's" and really tried to make the widening circle around me smaller. It felt right - even though I had a lot of inner angst and turmoil and hoped like crazy that no one would be mad.
I hoped that people would understand.
I'm trying to be me. Imperfect, not finished, unvarnished - but real and unapologetically, honestly ME.
Yet another in a series of rambly, angsty me me me posts. Blissdom was an amazing conference that caused me to reflect on myself and my life. Where I'm going, where I've been, how I got here - they've all been heavy on my mind lately. I've been told that I could be in a mid life crisis - it's entirely possible, but I don't feel like a crisis is looming. I just want to be happy with me. No need to comment and tell me great things about me - although, HELLO, we all know me very well, that I'm a HUGE lover of said comments - I really just need to get some thoughts straight in my brain. Please do not feel obligated to say rah-rah-rah - unless of course, you want to. :)