Trying To Be In Love With Me

That's my focus for 2011. Trying to be in love with me. (I heard this sentiment on The Biggest Loser tonight and it really stuck with me.)

This is part two. Part one was yesterday.

Here are some of the best things I heard at Blissdom - most from the INCREDIBLE speaker Brene Brown. Presented in bullet points, with my comments along. I'd love to hear your own. She really crystallized some things that I've been pondering and internally debating for a long while now. She just said everything FAR better than I think I ever could.

And to the person who told me that I've been focusing just a bit too much on pictures of yourself, my blog. My space. Red X. Move on. I can't remember my 20's and 30's because I focused on every other person in my family. It's MY TURN. If I seem to need a little bit of reassurance, and you don't like it, I'm really sorry. Probably next week my kids will do something boneheaded and I'll make sure to post it. 

That was the first bullet point. Crud. I've already messed up. Ok, moving on. Starting over.

• It's in our DNA to belong. I cannot remember a statement that I've ever agreed with more. I constantly feel like I'm trying to belong. Trying to fit in. Moving from one group to another. Shaping  myself to fit into the Catholic Homeschooling group, The Mommy Mafia at school (you know what group I'm talking about), the Unschooling group, the Radical Mothers, the Rich and Snotty who run the companies, the other groups. There have been so many that I can't even name them all. I've molded myself to try to fit in to this or that, chopping off salient bits that I REALLY LIKED because good Catholic moms/moms of big families/women with older husbands/school parents just didn't do "that" or say "that". It wasn't me and I wasn't happy. Yes. I did have a nervous breakdown. It was a small one, but it was enough for me. I DO want to belong. I DO want to walk down the street and not wonder if people are looking at me because I'm WEIRD or ODD. That process, I think, is going to take time. And for me, right now, it's starting with purposefully being seen in photos. NOT jumping behind or covering up, but being there and present.
• Choose Discomfort Over Resentment. Brene told a story about being asked to make cookies. Not wanting to make the cookies, she still said yes. Because she didn't want to make anyone mad at her. Instead, she made the cookies, being short with her children and ugly with everyone else. when she turned in the cookies, she said, Oh, it was nothing, I don't mind. I was so busy and it took all my time...Making herself appear selfless and giving, but resenting it all the while - in order not to make someone else unhappy. Instead, she made herself AND her family miserable. I'm not doing that any more. I swear on this blog that if I am asked to do something, I will not respond with YES!!!! like I always do. I will think about it, and if I can't do it happily, without causing stress to myself OR my family - I'm saying no. If it makes the person unhappy, better them than me. And I totally just wanted to apologize for this statement (I'm sorry! I'm sorry! PLEASE don't be mad at me!!!) but I'm not going to apologize for putting me first.
• Value Your Work. What I do as a freelance writer and blogger is just as important as anything anyone else does. I'm really good at making the cashier at the grocery feel good, and the salesperson at the fast food restaurant - I need to make myself feel good about what I'm doing. I can't do the same things that everyone else does - none of us is good at everything. But those things I am good at - baking, cooking, writing, multitasking, making people feel good - I'm pledging right here, right now, to VALUE them. If you ask me what I do for a living, I'm no longer going to stutter and mumble and try to evade. I value what I do and you should value what you do as well. We are all vital to the world. Remember, "To the world, you may be one person - but to one person, you may be the world".
• We Get Courage From "Couraging". I will be couraging. I will take my fear in my hands and I will stop saying no and I can't!, along with I'm 41, women my age act like THIS and not like THAT. I will embody courage and just do what I want. If it means making myself uncomfortable in the stretching of me, that's good.
• I Am Enough. Really. I am. I will not disparage myself and say things like, "Of course I'm enough. Who wants more of me? I'm trouble and difficult and high maintenance and really, you want to be less like me." What's wrong with being a little (ok, more than a little) high maintenance? So what if I took 2 suitcases for 5 days. So what if I take up half of the bathroom. So what if I love to wear heels and dresses. So what if I need 8 hours of sleep, protein at every meal and to have some quiet time for reading every night before I go to sleep. It's not bad. It. Just. Is. Everyone is high maintenance in some way. I have a TON of fun by myself at home, dancing around and singing. I'm going to do it forever.
• I'm Thinking Big. I'm Not Going To Limit Myself. 

This post is so unfinished, but I'm stopping. Mostly because I want to hear what you have to say. I'm not looking for compliments and I don't need you to agree - but I hope you do. If you don't, I'm interested in why.

You? Are BEAUTIFUL.

Comments

[MJ]

Carmen

I swear somtimes I think you must be reading my thoughts and then writing about them in the most awesome way. I read thru each bullet point and that she just nailed it. I have always been a people pleaser, even if that meant my life was disrupted or stressed or i had to give up something i wanted. No more ... Im worth more than that, its okay to say IM sorry that just wont work for me.

Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us.

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

I totally agree with the statement, "if I can't do it happily, without causing stress to myself OR my family - I'm saying no."

[Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith]

BTW, what's wrong with dresses and high heels? I LOVE them! and they always make me feel good.

[Headless Mom]

The one thing I'm good at is saying no. I usually start by saying..."I'm not sure. I'll have to check my calendar/with my husband/the sports schedule...." (You get the drift.) It gives me a chance to really examine what I'm being asked to do and then evaluate if I truly have the time or not.

[Katherine]

Gosh I wish you lived next door to me!

[Domestic Extraordinaire]

Brene was a fabulous speaker. I know this because she captivated me. When normally I could multi task, I could not while listening to her. I really wanted to hear all that she had to say and I found myself nodding along with lots of it.

Being happy with who you are took a lot of years for me. Now I am just as content to be at home and I don't get asked to do quite as much anymore because I say no too often. I have to admit that I was saddened that I lost friends when I decided to truly be myself, but looking back they really weren't friends that would help me to move a body anyway.

I am so glad that I got to know you better last week. You are amazing and I truly look forward to seeing more of you here-the real you.

xo

[Emily C]

I'm reminded again why I still read your blog, after I've dropped just about every other one from my reader.

Can I just say, "Amen"?

[Jennifer]

I'm 44. I've discovered over the past few years that the less I do for the "outside" ie school & volunteer work, the happier I am on the inside - my family, myself. Just say "no". The truth is, when you eliminate all the clutter and "busy work" in your lives, you are able to be truly present for the most important people in your life. You're just not bogged down with a lot of meaningless crap. It's liberating.

[Around the Page]

Breakdowns can be excellent things sometimes. Not so much while they are happening, but the lessons learned are completely invaluable. You should totally immerse yourself in 'me' for a while, I think it's great that you are doing it. Very much enjoyed this post.

[Karen from A Glimpse Into My Reveries]

"Amen!" to Emily C.

BTW, you rock that dress!

I am so glad you are sharing your Blissdom experience with us. Brene sounds like I would have really enjoyed hearing her speak!

And yes, it's okay to be high maintenance, especially when you spend all day doing for others! You can't give & give without having your own needs met. Years ago my own hubby once said I was high maintenance and it really took me aback. I was trying to raise three kids, work 40+ hours outside our home with an hour and a half commute each day, travel with him every weekend from Friday afternoon till late Sunday night for tournament softball (from March to August each year) and keep a home, and keep my sanity! So we had a little talk about how I don't need or expect a large home, anything beyond a basic running car to get me from here to there, don't ask for fancy vacations, wear clothes that require shopping anywear other than Walllyworld or maybe JCPenney--if it's on clearance. So, yes, I do expect him to notice me occasionally, if I want some physical attention, or want him to do some of the home maintenance, then suck it up & be a man and do it! Pick up a card on Valentines Day, bring me a flower (even a 79 cent primrose from the rack outside a grocery store), remember my birthday-after all it's only comes once a year!

Things ran a little smoother once I vocalized what I wanted in exchange for all I do instead of resenting yet another unmet (but unspoken) need.

I say speak up and let him and the kids step up! You might be surprised. And if not, remember, the "it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease". And how about, "If Mama ain't happy, then nobody is happy". They are cliche's for a reason!

[LizP]

We are all works in progress. Please keep being you and keep sharing :-)

[Kelly H]

I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU WROTE. Every word. Especially the part where you responded to the person who said you were posting too many pictures of yourself on your blog. You know what I think? F them. Seriously. I turned 40 last fall and I decided that I'm now at an age where IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. Yeah, I take care of my kids and my husband and my job BUT...at the end of the day, I make sure that there was time made for me. For what I want to do or see or experience. And I don't wait around for someone else to make it happen. I make time in my day and life to make it happen.

I really wanted to have a 40th birthday party to celebrate all that is fun in life and being 40. So I invited 8 of my best girlfriends to girls overnight. The theme was "Rock N Roll All Night...and Party Every Day". KISS makeup was REQUIRED for admission. And you know? Not one of my friends balked at doing it. And we had A RIOT of a good time! We danced and were silly and took silly pictures and just were our authentic selves. We were not wondering what people would say or think we just did what we thought was fun. And now that's a code I try to live by each and every day. And I don't give a flying F what anyone thinks of it. My husband thinks I've gone crazy but, he also acknowledges that I'm happier and having more fun than ever. Even my kids say "mom, you do such fun stuff with your friends." YES. I. DO. (Maybe that comment had something to do with the ladies only Wii "Just Dance" Dance party I had last Friday night at my house....) I'm certain my mother could not say the same thing when she was 40.

So here's to being all you can be and not giving a rat's hoot about what other people say or think!

[Tammy]

First, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that photo of you! It's so you and personifies (at least to me) what you are trying to be.
Second, are you sure you haven't been listening to my rambling thoughts??? wow, what you've said here is powerful and if more of us women would follow this example we'd all be a lot happier and not so unhappy because we think we can't be ourselves and still "fit in" anywhere.
Can't wait to see what's next in this line of posts! You always give me more to think about. :)

[Karen at A Glimpse Into My Reveries]

@ Domestic Extraordinaire: your comment about moving a body made me laugh out loud! Way to slip a good one in there! That would be a measurement of friendship, wouldn't it! Hahaha

It sounds like turning forty sparks a new awareness in us. I, too, became more of accepting of myself, and ready to take charge of my own happiness. Funny thing is I've come to realize since becoming more accepting/ embracing of myself, I've become more accepting/ embracing of others. I am willing to make more allowances for foibles & quirks and find myself enjoying a broader scope of friends!

[Katie]

I so needed a post like this to remind me that I need to love me too...not just let the boy tell me how wonderful I am...to actually believe him!

[Carly]

LOVE it!!!! LOVE You!!!! :):):)

[Barbara]

I'm posting a link to this to my friends on facebook.

[Bridget]

Man, I wish I'd been there to hear that!

[Karen P]

Years ago I was asked to make tutus for my daughter's ballet class when she was little. I think I made 11 out of the 13 needed. I wasn't very happy with myself for volunteering. I left a voice message for the instructor and when I replayed it before sending I noticed how angry I sounded. Needless to say, I rerecorded my message. That was a real eye opener. I have tried to be more selective about what I volunteer for lately. I was asked to do a big project for church. I said yes, but backed out before the project was to start because I didn't really agree with what was going on. But I did volunteer to make a quilt out of the squares the first communion class made. I enjoyed doing it...but I very rarely tell anyone that I sew anymore. Want to bet I will be asked to make the quilt this year?

[Erika]

I wish we could live next door to each other and be besties in real life.

[elz]

The power of NO and my ability to say No have been two lessons I'm trying to learn. I just can't do everything and be fair to me or my family.

[Lisa]

Love it!! "It. Just. Is." Wonderful and Bravo to you!!

[UKCraftySal]

So many points to agree with in this! As always, you've made me stop and think. Especially about not always saying yes...

[Ouida Gabriel]

You know, I saved this post because I really wanted to comment on it. After thinking about it for a couple days I realized something; I think what I have to say is important and really it is not. So, while I was going to share my list with you instead I see that I comment entirely too much about things in general. I think this is my very last post ever on the web. ;-)

Ouida Gabriel

[Musings of a Housewife]

I loved her talk too. For me, the part I took away was not apologizing for being high maintenance. I always joke that I am high maintenance and I'm okay with that, but I'm really not okay with that and I hate it when I feel like I'm putting people out. I think I need to get better about standing up for myself. Why is it that women always feel the need to be the martyr? Anyway, I "get" this post. I'm with ya.