Mir wrote a fantabulous post over at Off Our Chests. Seriously. It was a thing of beauty unlike any that I've ever read, and it really spoke to me as a mom of teenagers.
Today I took my 16 year old to the doctor for her check up. Between the hilarity of a teen who had an inappropriate undergarment choice, flashing me numerous times as she cavorted - for there is really no other word to describe her actions - a discussion about how unprepared she was for her "physical" because she thought she was merely having a "check up", and her startled realization that she'd forgotten to shave her legs - it was an unsettling visit.
Sure. There was the requisite 3 day old baby - not mine - to admire, the toddler to be happy I'm no longer chasing - but the 16 year old appointment remains a stumbling point for me.
My kids pediatric practice is a home for me. I've been a patient there - well, not me, but my kids - for an awful long time. I've been very pleased overall with how things have been handled, and I feel that my kids get very good care. One of the big topics of discussion is always safety. The doctors always address each kid directly beginning at about age 3 and most all issues of safety are covered. Car seats, holding hands, staying with parents, wearing helmets and seat belts - all covered.
Today's discussion touched on sexual safety, STD's, pregnancy (all issues that I've discussed but I'm not certain how much of it she's absorbed). The new discussions for today centered on issues that in particular relate to girls being safe. How to handle yourself in certain dating situations, relying on your inner sense of what isn't right, trusting your instincts, going to a party where the police show up and the reality that everyone there gets arrested, drinking, what to do if you exit the mall as a single female, and how to drive responsibly.
Oh, yeah, my daughter now has her driver's license. And these topics are ones that, call me clueless, I never thought to address. I mean, yeah, I have talked about many of these things - but not to the extent that, maybe, I should have. Cue the spasm of fear. I've discussed bullying, texting, studying, safe sex - but how to keep yourself safe as an alone female really hasn't crossed my mind. I don't really remember my parents talking to me about this kind of stuff.
How DO you leave the mall alone? What DO you do if you are on the highway and you feel like someone is following you? What if you are driving and another driver is motioning you to pull over? What SHOULD you do as a short, light weight female (granted, an almost black belt female) walking alone home from a friends house?
Maybe because people in our house are never ever alone - and I always see her with friends - but she won't always be with someone.
Anyway, how do you make sure that your daughter becomes the very best person that she can? How do you help your daughter to make good choices, to know the right thing to do, and to become the very best HER possible? The SAFEST her possible, to protect her future from realities that she cannot see and difficulties she has no idea face her.
Suffice it to say, we had a chat on the way back to school about the above scenarios that the doctor touched on, and at least I think maybe she'd know what to do. Maybe.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed as a mother.
that would overwhelm me as well! yikes! Where is that Sand I can bury my head in? I didn't learn any of these lessons either growing up, the world seemed safer?? but really was it? I do though remember walking with the guys I worked with to the bus stop after I first got married. I always had someone go with me when I left my job. Hubbie worked evenings.
Posted by: kyooty | March 29, 2011 at 06:40 PM
Run, do not walk, to the bookstore and buy a copy of "the Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Required reading for any female. It talks about how women are vulnerable because we are too "nice" to listen to that internal voice. I bought a copy for every one of my nieces (no daughters, just a son).
Posted by: Jenny | March 29, 2011 at 06:41 PM
OH I am so not ready for 16 year old doctor appointments!! Thankfully I have 13 years until we get there... and PS. I still freak if I forget to shave before going to a doctor's appointment.
Posted by: Renee | March 29, 2011 at 07:18 PM
When I was a teenager I got into the habit of ALWAYS ALWAYS A-L-W-A-Y-S parking under a street light. It allows you a chance to see around your vehicle as you are approaching and also lights up the interior of the car next to yours and yours too. I make lots of noise and I get in and lock the doors as fast as I can (after checking out the car). If she's not comfortable with leaving alone, there should always be a security guard who will walk her out.
And when being followed by someone, a police officer once told me that police cannot require you to pull over if you feel unsafe. Therefore driving to the nearest lit parking lot (with people around) is fully acceptable. You can either call the dispatch office to let them know that you see the officer and will pull over at a gas station, or just flash your lights back at them in acknowledgement. Granted, that's what an Indiana cop told me. Perhaps it's different in your neck of the woods.
Posted by: Beth A. | March 29, 2011 at 07:22 PM
Yikes! It certainly is easier with boys ... I never thought of a few of the things you mentioned. I have 13 more years to panic ... I wish I could "dog ear" some of your posts for when my daughter is a teenager!!!
Posted by: LizP | March 29, 2011 at 07:41 PM
I have no answers but may be having a panic attack just thinking about this stuff for my almost-11 y.o. ... !!!
Posted by: Rox | March 29, 2011 at 07:59 PM
Totally agree with getting the Gift of Fear! I bought a copy for myself and for my teenage niece. I will make sure my daughter reads it as well...when she is older.
Posted by: Kelly | March 29, 2011 at 11:33 PM
Healthy Fear is an absolute MUST! And I still do the street light thing. Always!
Posted by: addy | March 30, 2011 at 07:35 AM
My Mom always told me to drive to a fire station if I thought someone was following me - someone is always there.
And in Texas it is true you can drive to a safe place if you feel unsafe with a cop wanting you to pull over. But I would definitely call 911 and let the dispatcher know that is what I was doing.
Posted by: Suzy | March 30, 2011 at 08:48 AM
I don't know, but I am PARANOID to be alone at night as a female. RIDICULOUSLY paranoid. No matter how well-lit, how safe, or how ten-feet-from-my-front-door I am terrified of being by myself at night.
Good luck with this one!
Posted by: Emily C | March 30, 2011 at 01:49 PM
"Overwhelmed" doesn't even begin to describe parenting in my book. We are responsible for so much that it can be frightening when we let our imaginations wander. That's why I never watch the news!
My parents were very adamant about teaching me safety when I was alone. A common one they taught me was to always hold your biggest key in your closed fist with the sharp end sticking out through your index and middle fingers so, if you are attacked, you can throw a very painful punch.
One they taught me that I think is rarely mentioned is, when approaching your parked vehicle, ALWAYS stop about ten feet away from the car, bend over to look underneath it, and make sure there is no one under there. In my home state, there were always stories of someone getting into their car and being grabbed or stabbed in the ankle by someone under the car to incapacitate them unexpectedly and make them easy to kidnap. Frightening stuff!
Posted by: Jennifer | March 30, 2011 at 02:05 PM
Just think... only 4 more girls to get through!*cough* Ahem.
Posted by: Headless Mom | March 30, 2011 at 02:58 PM
Keys out with sharp end out before i leave the store. Think of it as between the 1st and 2nd finger with hand in fist. No cell phone talking as I approach the car. A good look on the driver side car to make sure no weirdo is standing by or under. Quickly toss any packages into back of car and slide in. Lock doors and leave. When I did volunteer work and carried a sawed off pool stick. Kept it with me and would have used it. I also carry mace put worry about spray back.
Posted by: charlene | March 30, 2011 at 04:18 PM
I feel for you. The most awkward convo I ever had with my mom was on the way home from college orientation, during which she had learned that one in four women would be raped during college. (I've also heard one in four in their lifetime, so who knows.)
If you read news stories about females who were attacked, there are almost always one of two things that apply to the situation:
1. The woman was walking alone at night and listening to an ipod or otherwise acting clueless (like many of the women who have recently been assaulted or almost assaulted in my city, Charlottesville)
2. The woman was impaired by alcohol or drugs (like the Virginia Tech student who left a concert here in Cville and disappeared; her body was found 3 months later)
You've already taught her to make good choices in many ways. Teach her why abusing alcohol and drugs is a bad idea on so many levels. Teach her that if she does choose to drink alcohol in college, to do it with trusted friends and never, ever put her drink down at the party or drink something that she doesn't know what it is. Teach her to avoid walking alone at night if possible, and if she has to, skip the ipod and walk like someone who almost has a black belt. When she starts looking at colleges, investigate with her the crime rates and what the school does to keep students safe.
Does she watch shows on TV where these subjects come up? If she does, that could be a good thing for you to do together, and less awkward for you than bringing up the topics out of the blue.
Posted by: Megan | March 30, 2011 at 09:55 PM
all those questions you asked now have me overwhelmed. haha
as a mother of an almost 16 year old daughter, who is about to get her drivers license in a month, i can totally relate to so many of the issues you have touched on. in particular, when we go get a yearly physical the daughter will worry over being touched in the breast area and whether or not she will receive a shot. we also still go to our pediatrician, and will continue until she is through high school. we have been going to this doctor for nearly 12 years.
also, i've found when it comes to the many questions my daughter has i've always answered them honestly, and she has had some out there questions. you want to know some of the more colorful questions just e-mail me. it's make your head turn. LOL
i love how your doctors talk about safety at all ages. great idea!
Posted by: Sandra | March 31, 2011 at 07:30 AM